He wants meback after an extremely bad breakup -5 months ago

[HangingInThere]

Hello Fellow ENAs,

 

Here the scoop:

 

My birthday was 2 weeks ago and my ex sent me 10 dozen roses (5 dozen on my bday, and another 5 dozen 4 days after) - he signed the card, from a friend. Take note, we had a very bad breakup and have not spoken to him in 5 months.

 

Anyway, on the day after my bday he sent me a text saying that he hope I like the roses and they were all supposed to be one color (the florist sent mixed colors)...apparently him and his sister have been discussing this all along because i told her that I received 5 dozen roses from someone and not sure who it is (but i knew it was him - i thought the 5 months signified the duration of time we had broken up)..Well apparently she conveyed this message to him, so he sent a text saying they screwed up the order and blah blah blah. I waited about 30 minutes before replying to his text - I simply said, " thanks for the roses, they are pretty" nothing more!

 

A few minutes later he sends me another text, about he is still the champ (a game we played) and tell mom he said hi and to have a nice day. I didnt see a need to respond to that, so i didn't...a few minutes he resends the text, I still didnt respond...a few more minutes he resends it again, I finally decided to respond so he can stop texting me, so I said, "have a nice day as well"

 

Now 4 days after the 1st set of roses, I rec'd another 5 dozen, signed a friend...i knew it was him again, so this time i decided to call him to say thank you!

 

Days have past and we have been speaking on the phoone. He is telling me that he really screwed up and he was going through depression that is why he acted out and treated me the way he did. Since then he have overextended himself and suprisingly paid my car insurance ($368) and paid for a flat on my car ($200)..i told him he didnt have to but he insisted! ..telling me he wants to take me on vacation...he is also telling me what he wants to do for Valentines day and the holidays with me.

 

He is consistly talking to me about how he has changed and wants a 2nd chance and the reasons why he behave the way he did back then.

 

What should I do? i really miss doing the things we did. Should i rekindle what we once had, can a person really change?

 

Advice is needed!

[Scout]

Hmmm...went back over some of your threads...you guys definitely have a bit of history in the "roller coaster" department.

 

Let me ask you something. What is it that you really hope has changed about him? Also, were either of you ever abusive to each other...emotionally, verbally, physically? If so, I would suggest relationship counseling if you two really want to get back together. Otherwise, I almost predict the same patterns will come back, if neither of you has really learned how to control your behavior/get a grip on your emotions before you act on them.

[HangingInThere]

Hmmm...went back over some of your threads...you guys definitely have a bit of history in the "roller coaster" department.

 

Let me ask you something. What is it that you really hope has changed about him? Also, were either of you ever abusive to each other...emotionally, verbally, physically? If so, I would suggest relationship counseling if you two really want to get back together. Otherwise, I almost predict the same patterns will come back, if neither of you has really learned how to control your behavior/get a grip on your emotions before you act on them.

 

we were verbally and emotionally abusive! I basically reacted off of him - I was never that way in any other relationship...i never delat with anyone going through 'depression'. so i didnt know how to react but hostile!

 

His living situation has changed, his money situation has changed - he basically said he is not depress anymore and he realizes that ppl have a bad day but that day too will pass, so he will not get bent out of shape like he did before! he said he realized he didnt pay attention to my needs, because he was too focus on his.

 

I am not sure what I want to do, i am seeking advice! I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, I dont want to go there again and he slips up! I mean there is no guarantee in knowing if he changed or not, so is this a situation where I should get back into and see what happens?

[Scout]

Well now, wait a minute. You said you were both abusive to an extent (and I remember posting on one of your threads after you had yelled at him in front of his family).

 

So my question is...have you also changed? Will you be able to handle how you communicate to him next time he becomes depressed? Because depression comes and goes throughout our life, it's not always peachy keen.

[HangingInThere]

Well now, wait a minute. You said you were both abusive to an extent (and I remember posting on one of your threads after you had yelled at him in front of his family).

 

So my question is...have you also changed? Will you be able to handle how you communicate to him next time he becomes depressed? Because depression comes and goes throughout our life, it's not always peachy keen.

 

i guess you didnt see the part where i said, that relationships (the constant illtreatment from him) and me being overwhelmed and tired made me act out that way. So to answer your question, yes i have changed, I never did that before him and i haven't done it after him!

 

For the most part, i hope he communicates with me when he is depress (if it happens again) and not just let me think he is just treating me uncouth. I definitely know they are rough patches in a relationship, and I was always and still is willing to be that throop to ride with it and deal with it accordingly!

 

This man was totally depress and his behavior towrds me was ridiculous - I was actually 'a good gf' and was hanging in there, until i coiuldnt take it anymore and became overwhelmed.

 

oh btw, he also mentioned he learned to communicate better and that was definitely one of our downfalls! and I was the best girlfriend he ever had and i thought him a lot of things during our time together...He said it and he told me allof his friends and family said it...and he realizes what he did to scrw it up! I took some blame for the relationship demise, but trust me when i said, his behavior cause me to react the way i did!

[Scout]

I'm sure his behavior was unpleasant and unfair at times. I don't question your love for him, or the patience you obviously had to stay in the relationship. So, please except my sincere apologies for overlooking that.

 

Can I just tell you one thing, though? It really helps to forge a deeper connection with people when we always behave maturely towards them, no matter how they act to us. It actually disarms them, and helps to dissipate their own bad feelings, and take a closer look at how they're acting to you.

 

Think about it. Let's say you were driving on the freeway, and you suddenly stopped on your breaks, causing the person behind you to get angry, get out of their car, and angrily confront you. If you responded with a resounding, "F you!!!" the dialogue would quickly get worse, and possibly end in a violent confrontation. But, if you instead were silent for a few seconds after their diatribe, then said calmly, "I'm sorry I almost caused you an accident. The sun was in my eyes, and the driver ahead had stopped, and I didn't see it in time. Are you ok?"

 

I can practically guarantee, by putting aside your first inclination to chew that person out and instead talking to them quietly and reasonably, and following with a question out of concern for them, they would be completely taken off guard, and feel very uncomfortable about how they just behaved. They would probably end up apologizing to you, to boot.

 

Do you see where I'm going with this? It's the same thing when we're in a relationship and our partner acts out. By not responding in kind, we're accomplishing a couple of important things. We're turning the communication back to an adult, mature manner...and in turn, we're teaching our partner better communication skills. In other words, we're creating a safe environment to express our feelings and communicate more respectfully with our loved one.

 

Unfortunately, I had to go through a few relationships before I discovered this, myself. But it's such a simple thing, really, and I believe if more of us were willing to set aside our pride a bit, and learn the fine art of not acting on our emotions, we'd have less of a need for forums like eNotalone.

 

Anyway, if you feel there is real love there between you and the ex, I wish you all the luck in the world for a fresh start, and eventually, a much closer bond this second time around.

[stunned]

HaningInThere,

 

I think Scout makes a good point about both of you undergoing relationship counseling. It can only help if you both want to restart a relationship. I would also agree with Scout that it's possible that your ex could suffer depresson again at some point in the future. Counseling might help you both recognize the signs of depresson coming on so you can tackle it right away.

 

If my ex ever wanted to get back together, I would insist on going through relationship counseling first. It would lay the ground work for understanding each other's disappointments in the previous relationship and maybe foster better communication and understanding of each other.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would ask him more questions about how he has changed and why... ie., how did he discover his problem was depression, has he had counseling since you left, been to a doctor, taken medication, etc.?

 

if he has made some genuine attempts to get help and work with a doctor or therapist to solve his problem, then it might be worth at least talking to him IF you think the relationship really would be worthwhile...

 

but this could also just be lip service on his part, excuses for his behavior that he thinks you will buy and take him back, then it just goes back to business as usual, more fighting etc.

 

it bothers me a bit that he is trying to buy himself back into your good graces with expensive showy flowers and paying your insurance etc. that's a bit manipulative, and a few flowers and a paid insurance bill won't undo the damage he did to you before... sometimes men who put on a big show like that are just engaging the cycles of abuse, i.e., big blow up, then extensive courting and promises to behave and never do it again, then tension building, then another blowup etc. so it's a cycle that repeats, and just because you are in the 'good' phase now with flowers and promises doesn't mean anything has changed.

 

please educate yourself on the cycle of abuse (lots of info online and in books) to see if this is just another loop in the cycle, or whether he has really done something to change (professional counseling and treatment). words that he has changed are pretty meaningless unless you have proof he is doing something about it. and if he's not in counseling, then see how serious he is and say you would consider seeing him IF he attends counseling... if he say no, than don't believe he is serious about change, just move on.

[missmebaby]

oh i have definitely been through this before. situations like this are very hard and you need to be careful. about 9 months ago i had a boyfriend who started treating me bad and he ended up cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. right after it happened he begged and pleaded to me to take him back. he swore up and down that he had changed, he took the blame for all the horrible things he did to me and said how sorry he was and he knows he was a jerk. he swore that he wants to change and is going to change and devote his life to making me happy. he cried and said how much he loves me and he couldnt live without me and i told him i needed a week or so to think about it. so during that week he was the sweetest guy ever, calling and texting me just to say i love you, he bought me expensive things and wrote me a letter explaining how he feels about me. so i took him back and for 5months things were better than ever. they were the best 5 months of my life. then he gradually began to change back into the jerk he was before and by the time we broke up just 3 months ago he was treating me horribly.

 

so what im trying to say is, you never really know anybody. i thought for sure he had really changed and because of it we were meant to be together and he would never leave me. but it is very hard for people to change and it doesnt really happen very often. they can put on a front for awhile but they almost always revert back to who they really are. i learned that the hard way, dont let it happen to you

[HangingInThere]

Hmmm...went back over some of your threads...you guys definitely have a bit of history in the "roller coaster" department.

 

Let me ask you something. What is it that you really hope has changed about him? Also, were either of you ever abusive to each other...emotionally, verbally, physically? If so, I would suggest relationship counseling if you two really want to get back together. Otherwise, I almost predict the same patterns will come back, if neither of you has really learned how to control your behavior/get a grip on your emotions before you act on them.

 

hello Scout, over the weekend he suggested we go to couples thearapy without me having to say anything about it....I almost choked on my food when he said it. He wants to make this work so bad and he is really doing everything (at this moment) to lead us in the right direction.

 

We have an appt for Wednesday, he is going away Wednesday for a few days and wanted to do this before he leaves.

 

What should iexpect from couples therapy?

[Scout]

Hey, that's TERRIFIC! Now, what you should expect from a good therapist is someone who creates a comfortable, safe environment for both of you to talk in. Someone who is very adept at helping you both "See the light" on certain things, without one of you feeling the other is being favored by the therapist. A therapist who really helps you both learn better communication skills.

 

You might want to talk to the therapist beforehand to get an idea of the kind of techniques they prefer. Ask if they believe in certain guidelines that both partners should follow in the therapy process.

[HangingInThere]

Hey, that's TERRIFIC! Now, what you should expect from a good therapist is someone who creates a comfortable, safe environment for both of you to talk in. Someone who is very adept at helping you both "See the light" on certain things, without one of you feeling the other is being favored by the therapist. A therapist who really helps you both learn better communication skills.

 

You might want to talk to the therapist beforehand to get an idea of the kind of techniques they prefer. Ask if they believe in certain guidelines that both partners should follow in the therapy process.

 

thank you so much. but how does therapy work, meaning, do we sit down and tell him bout the past and all of our issues?

 

I am a bit nervous going into this now

[Scout]

It depends on the therapist, and it also depends on how open you two are willing to be. Generally, the therapist will ask you both at the beginning what is it you are hoping therapy will accomplish for your relationship. This is important, because it verbalizes and makes official the key goals you two are hoping you will reach with therapy. And you need to know these goals so that your therapy has a real structure and point to it.

 

I really suggest you and your boyfriend both go into therapy with something agreed upon beforehand: a) you're both committed to therapy and b)you're committed to therapy with a therapist you're BOTH comfortable with.

 

In other words, if after a session or two one of you really doesn't care for the therapist, the other partner has to respect that, but both partners have to agree on continuing therapy, but just finding a different therapist.

[HangingInThere]

I mentioned to him this mornign, what if we do not like the therapist or one of us is not comfortbale with the therapist, can we go to someone else, he agreed!

 

sidebar: does this mean that he really loves me and wants this to work, beng that he initiated it?

[Scout]

I certainly view it as an indication of his love for you...and possibly some growing maturity, to boot! And kudos to you for already bringing up the issue that you two will work as a team to settle on the right therapist.

 

This is a good thing you two are doing. Too many relationships struggle because of communication problems, and too many couples throw in the towel instead of both actively trying to work through the problems. We all get a little stuck from time to time, and too emotionally close to the situation to be objective, and in these cases, I think some counseling is a very smart idea.

[HangingInThere]

Hey Scout, we are going to therapy today.

 

Any tips for me?

[Scout]

Yes...be respectful of your boyfriend's feelings and point of view, don't interrupt him, etc. Hopefully, he'll do the same, if not, make an agreement right there that you both need to do this to create a safe and objective environment to talk in.

 

I think you'll actually enjoy this, if you have a good therapist.