Is it me or am I justified in feeling so ``~`

[enoughalready]

Hi, I need some serious advice and have no one to discuss anything with it

seems, at least no one I can trust.

 

I'm a little sad these days - self inflicted clearly.

 

Anyway, this may be long ... sorry and so hard to explain, just hope I do enough of it.

 

I met *him nearly 5 months ago, admittingly things moved a bit fast ... I blame it partly on being

alone for so long before that, or at least the sense of feeling alone for so long - if that

makes sense ` Whatever.

 

We seemed to have so much in common honestly, or at least a great respect for anything we didn't. Just felt

like there was such chemistry.

 

He has 3 kids too, son lives with him - and 2 girls that don't. They've all different moms, that you

pretty much have to deal with nearly every other day.

 

Hmmm - where to start? I'm so lost.

 

Over the course of a few months I'd learned a lot, seemed some what tight with money (I'm definetly not), ok really

tight with money if it wasn't being spent on himself. I seemed to be paying for everything.

And I know that people 'look' BUT *him - right. In my opinion, if you're looking to the point where the one you're

with notices and the one you're looking AT notices you checking them out, isn't that a tad bit disrespectful? It's

pretty embarrassing. I asked him about it one day and told him it didnt feel very nice - his response was 'I like

bums' ... really. My response was 'I like DI*k' but you don't see me staring at everyones package, do you? My

suggestion was that I START and be damned sure to let the one I'm checking out KNOW that I'm looking. Anyway.

I feel too old for this crap.

 

Moving on.

 

Time passes and the kids and I notice the routine ~`

 

Everyone stays/lives here at my house, I'm the only one paying for anything - groceries, bills, etc. He still

has his 'apartment' but doesn't spend much time there. His stuff is all here ... he goes there every now and then, for

what I don't know (get away for an hour or two?) OR to collect money from the couple that 'rent' a room from him.

He goes to school by the way and is receiving 'assistance' which is pretty ... weird. To say the least, though school or not it's clear he has no desire

to work. Ever. (I own a house and work full time as a graphic designer)

 

One day he leaves his email open and I (long story short) discover an email from the ex. O my.

 

Talks about 'meeting' even see the words I love you, etc etc. So I panick, have a fit and contact her - give her my email

and phone number to call me.

 

She tells me they'd been talking all along, he says he wants her back, etc etc. You can imagine.

I confront him, he tells me I'm losing it, get a grip and gets angry that I'm taking her word over his.

 

Time passes.

 

She emails me a million times (I'd asked her not to contact me again - unless he contacted her) o, before I forget ... she

says she doesnt want him back, he's a loser - will never be the man she wants him to be, blah blah blah. Says he'll never

work and only uses people, he's incapable of loving anyone ... omg the list goes on. Runs him down to the lowest.

 

Anyway - put of the blue one day she emails me and attached are several msn logs. Him saying I love you, wanna see you, and so on.

 

She even asked if she could call and tells me by the way, that she has only been talking to him because she is trying

to prove to me what the 'real' *him is like and that with him, one will never be enough.

 

This was approx one month ago - I confronted him and just so know - it was all true as I'd installed a keylogger on his computer, and well,

you can imagine what I'd learned.

 

He admitted to not only talking and saying 'things' but also that he's been talking to her the entire time we'd been

together. Says he didn't know why he was doing it, because he didnt want to be with her, etc etc. Pfft.

 

Ok, so we have quite the fight that day - I'm lost, heart is broken ... have you any idea how hard it is to see someone

you've fallen in love with telling someone else they love them and not you? No words can describe how I felt.

And I know what you're thinking, that shouldve been it. What's wrong with me I know ...

 

Gets better.

 

I've been doing things to the house, laying flooring, painting, etc.

 

So, on a Friday (NOvember 3rd) he seemed pretty anxious that day, but I never paid any attention to it. He sent me to the store,

to pick up a few things he needed to finish whatever AND ...

 

When I was walking into another store, just before coming home - where I needed to pick up a few new blinds, I saw a friend

and she said to me 'Do you know that Shanw is moving out as we speak?' I thought she was retarded and laughed at her. I'd only

just talked to him about what I needed to get AND of course, he did the usual 'love you' and such.

 

I called his cell (we each have one, same package and yeah, I've been paying the bill)

 

I call his cell (he's anal about keeping it on him, god forbid) my youngest son answers it and I ask him where *him is and why he has

his cell - cant imagine he'd let any of the kids have it ... then it dawns on me. Where the hell is he? I start

asking Jay all these questions, like - where is J. (his son), is the car in the yard, is his computer gone, etc ...

 

Yeah, he's snuck everything out while I was gone.

 

I freaked, ran through the store (had my 16 year old with me)... drove to his place, which is

only down the road from my place ... dont remember the drive there though, just that I couldnt breathe. My son said

I scared him.

 

Dont laugh, I was devastated. I had been caring for his son as if he were mine, J. even calls me mom sometimes ...

he doesnt have a relationship with his mother at all and I'd been making plans with *him, you know, future stuff,

we'd been in the process of redoing a bedroom downstairs, so J. could have his own room, etc. I can't explain how

yet AGAIN, I'd felt let down, but this time - I was just in such a pain I couldnt describe it. I felt he looked right

through me when I tried speaking to him ... he seemed so cold honestly.

 

I was pretty hysterical that night/evening and ended up drinking quite a little bit. I'd left his place with the

understanding that he was going to come and see me Saturday and well ... I dont know what else.

 

I find out the next day that he's spoken with the ex that night ... I would've thought he's wanna check and see if I was ok, maybe I'm wrong.

 

I couldnt believe he'd done that, neither could the kids - his and mine both were upset, crying, so hurt. Honestly,

that was much worse then what he'd been found doing the weekend before that. I know, what the hell is wrong with me for

even wanting him right?

 

I'm tired of typing.

 

But really, that 'day' as I refer to it, was likely, even at my age - I can say one of the most hurtful things anyone

has even done to me. I thought we'd been doing fine and was on top of the world, so to speak.

 

So - since then, until these past few days things seemed to be going alright.

 

I'm afraid a lot, like a fear of him just leaving out of the blue, etc. I hate when he spends anytime at his place alone,

I fear he's talking to her, etc. Terrible way to live I know ... I'd just felt so betrayed I don't know how or if I can

even get over it.

 

Some days are ok, while some I just feel like breaking down and crying, I feel sad a lot - OR sometimes I just wanna go

into a rage and smash something. Helpful I know. I'm working on it. When things get so out of my control that I feel helpless, I wanna

go into such a rage.

 

SO - since he spends most of his time here and implys he wants this to be his home and such - he told me he'd have the phone and internet

at the apartment disconnected (why does he need it there afterall? besides, i would think he'd wanna do whatever it takes

to help me get over whats happened and for me to trust him again - or am I wrong?) all was supposed to be disconnected today. He just told me

that he wasnt having the internet disconnected because he 'needs' it. For what? He has it at school and here, and besides, if he plans on living here - why

the hell would you want another bill if you dont need it? Not the point in my opionion.

 

I just feel like sayinf * * * * it. I'm angry, hurt and feel that he just doesnt care about what he's done. In fact a part of me hates myself for even wanting

him to begin with, because clearly it's another one sided love affair, isnt it?

 

Why is it so hard to just meet someone, let me love them and they love me back.

 

I said to him, "Please disconnect the internet like you said you would, I really need this ~`" His response was, and I quote. "I said no."

 

I wish I could tell ya more, but I'm hating all this typing and you're no doubt tired of hearing it by now ... please dont write me back with the obvious that

everyone else gives me 'you're too good for him' etc etc, that isn't goign to help right now

 

What can I say to him as a real tester if you know what I mean? Like something I should say/do to really make it or break it? I really need your help guys

 

I'm really sad these days and a part of me wants to just get the hell out of this place and move on with a new life, find new friends, etc.

 

I wish someone would just tell me what to do honestly.

 

O, one thing I wanna mention, as odd as it may sound, you'll likely not wanna hear it BUT ... he seldom wants to have sex, I'm serious. I mean, the

guy can spend 3/4 hours playing PS2 and I could get teasing him to drop his pants, etc and he'll get pissed off about it ... I dont know about you, but for

a woman to be pushed away when it comes to that - it really hurts. Lucky if he wants to do it once a week. Is that weird or am I just paranoid?

 

Sorry for the novel.

[agent1607307371]

Hi enoughalready,

 

blunt as it is, this guy is a user and is only sticking with you until he finds someone else who will pay his way and take care of his kids.

 

I think your best bet is to cut your losses and cut him out of your life.

 

There is no real test with this guy because he has no concern for you, only for himself, you like him more than he likes you and he knows this and is using it to his advantage.

[shelly7]

Wow! I can relate to your situation minus the children.

The bottom line is if you're sticking with him you haven't reached your rock bottom yet. However, it sounds like at the rate he's going you will soon. Your anger is beginning to build, but if you're like me you'll lose it on him (which he deserves) but then you'll find it in your heart to take him back. This will continue on as a pattern until you are emotionally exhausted and have no love left to give him. At that point (and it will come) you will grieve the ending of the relationship and move on. Right now, I would begin to open my eyes to other men, I know you're not ready to end things let alone date, but begin to look around. Good luck to you.

[Juliana]

Would it do any good for me to point out that you already know what you want to do? I don't think that's why you're posting.

 

You know what you need to do; I think you're just confused as to why you're not doing it, and wondering if that indicates that you need to continue with this relationship awhile longer -- No. It doesn't.

 

What has happened here is that you have gotten into a cycle of seeking love & approbation from this man, confirmation that you have reason to hope, which he gives you. However, he is not actively moving in the direction he claims he wants to go in. So you notice that, feel badly, go to him, he lies to you, you hang on awhile longer, and the cycle repeats.

 

Andrew Vachss, a very smart guy who works with abused children, tells us to remember: Behaviour is truth. People tell you who they are by what they do. So that's the end of the mystery about this guy; he's showing you exactly who he is. And you don't like him at all.

 

I would even go so far as to suggest that you look up the profile for sociopaths (antisocial personality disorder) online. Sociopaths are easily bored, and frequently keep women on the side, using the primary relationship for food and shelter. They are not concerned about what happens to their children. They are emotionally flat, apart from anger, boredom and the pleasure of game-playing with the people in their lives. There is a book by Martha Stout called The Sociopath Next Door, in which she describes a man who could be your boyfriend. If you get a chance to read it, I think you'll see what I mean. Not all sociopaths are violent, but all are strictly concerned with what benefits them most.

 

What you need to do is get yourself to a therapist or other major source of support, fast. You need to emotionally disconnect from this man, and reconnect and reground yourself within yourself, and I think a therapist is what's required here. You sound so devastated, self-blaming and beat down, I think some professional skills should be brought to bear on extricating yourself from this terrible situation as soon as possible.

 

In the meantime, you've seen what he can do when you're not looking. Please secure all your finances, and make sure that he doesn't have access to your accounts.

[enoughalready]

Thank you for the replies and advice all ~`

 

Juliana, while it's really difficult to hear what you're telling me, I do believe you have me pegged and quite honestly it's embarrassing.

 

Tomorrow morning I will be contacting someone at my local hospital in hopes of finding someone I can actually talk to in person.

 

And just so you know, he is here - with the promises, and the 'I wanna be with you' etc, etc. Just saying all the 'right' things yet again. But making me feel like I'm the unreasonable one.

[caro33]

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. You are worth much more than this. The 'facts' of the case are not ambiguous, this guy is not for you.

 

I agree 100% with Juliana and think she has put it much better than I could. Don't be embarrassed about this, no need to beat yourself up. It's the kind of situation people find themselves in all the time, it kind of builds up without you seeing it sometimes. It shows that you have a loving and trusting personality, but that you have been exploited. You can now see you are being exploited, and you need to take appropriate steps to protect yourself and your children from further exploitation.

 

I wish you all the best, and come here any time for support, we're here. There is definitely a good life after this guy, the sooner he's gone the sooner you get to enjoy it.

[Survictor]

Please end this relationship. You are so obviously unhappy in it? You were a lot more confident before embarking on this relationship, right? And you will be a lot more so after you have ended it.

 

He plays horrible emotional games with you and will completely erode your self esteem unless you have courage and show him where the door is.

 

I know that his kids will hurt and I am sure they have seen all this before, poor things but you have to put yourself first and end this for your own sake.

 

I am sorry.