enoughalready

Thank you for the replies and advice all ~` Juliana, while it's really difficult to hear what you're telling me, I do believe you have me pegged and quite honestly it's embarrassing. Tomorrow morning I will be contacting someone at my local hospital in hopes of finding someone I can actually talk to in person. And just so you know, he is here - with the promises, and the 'I wanna be with you' etc, etc. Just saying all the 'right' things yet again. But making me feel like I'm the unreasonable one.

Hi, I need some serious advice and have no one to discuss anything with it seems, at least no one I can trust. I'm a little sad these days - self inflicted clearly. Anyway, this may be long ... sorry and so hard to explain, just hope I do enough of it. I met *him nearly 5 months ago, admittingly things moved a bit fast ... I blame it partly on being alone for so long before that, or at least the sense of feeling alone for so long - if that makes sense ` Whatever. We seemed to have so much in common honestly, or at least a great respect for anything we didn't. Just felt like there was such chemistry. He has 3 kids too, son lives with him - and 2 girls that don't. They've all different moms, that you pretty much have to deal with nearly every other day. Hmmm - where to start? I'm so lost. Over the course of a few months I'd learned a lot, seemed some what tight with money (I'm definetly not), ok really tight with money if it wasn't being spent on himself. I seemed to be paying for everything. And I know that people 'look' BUT *him - right. In my opinion, if you're looking to the point where the one you're with notices and the one you're looking AT notices you checking them out, isn't that a tad bit disrespectful? It's pretty embarrassing. I asked him about it one day and told him it didnt feel very nice - his response was 'I like bums' ... really. My response was 'I like DI*k' but you don't see me staring at everyones package, do you? My suggestion was that I START and be damned sure to let the one I'm checking out KNOW that I'm looking. Anyway. I feel too old for this crap. Moving on. Time passes and the kids and I notice the routine ~` Everyone stays/lives here at my house, I'm the only one paying for anything - groceries, bills, etc. He still has his 'apartment' but doesn't spend much time there. His stuff is all here ... he goes there every now and then, for what I don't know (get away for an hour or two?) OR to collect money from the couple that 'rent' a room from him. He goes to school by the way and is receiving 'assistance' which is pretty ... weird. To say the least, though school or not it's clear he has no desire to work. Ever. (I own a house and work full time as a graphic designer) One day he leaves his email open and I (long story short) discover an email from the ex. O my. Talks about 'meeting' even see the words I love you, etc etc. So I panick, have a fit and contact her - give her my email and phone number to call me. She tells me they'd been talking all along, he says he wants her back, etc etc. You can imagine. I confront him, he tells me I'm losing it, get a grip and gets angry that I'm taking her word over his. Time passes. She emails me a million times (I'd asked her not to contact me again - unless he contacted her) o, before I forget ... she says she doesnt want him back, he's a loser - will never be the man she wants him to be, blah blah blah. Says he'll never work and only uses people, he's incapable of loving anyone ... omg the list goes on. Runs him down to the lowest. Anyway - put of the blue one day she emails me and attached are several msn logs. Him saying I love you, wanna see you, and so on. She even asked if she could call and tells me by the way, that she has only been talking to him because she is trying to prove to me what the 'real' *him is like and that with him, one will never be enough. This was approx one month ago - I confronted him and just so know - it was all true as I'd installed a keylogger on his computer, and well, you can imagine what I'd learned. He admitted to not only talking and saying 'things' but also that he's been talking to her the entire time we'd been together. Says he didn't know why he was doing it, because he didnt want to be with her, etc etc. Pfft. Ok, so we have quite the fight that day - I'm lost, heart is broken ... have you any idea how hard it is to see someone you've fallen in love with telling someone else they love them and not you? No words can describe how I felt. And I know what you're thinking, that shouldve been it. What's wrong with me I know ... Gets better. I've been doing things to the house, laying flooring, painting, etc. So, on a Friday (NOvember 3rd) he seemed pretty anxious that day, but I never paid any attention to it. He sent me to the store, to pick up a few things he needed to finish whatever AND ... When I was walking into another store, just before coming home - where I needed to pick up a few new blinds, I saw a friend and she said to me 'Do you know that Shanw is moving out as we speak?' I thought she was retarded and laughed at her. I'd only just talked to him about what I needed to get AND of course, he did the usual 'love you' and such. I called his cell (we each have one, same package and yeah, I've been paying the bill) I call his cell (he's anal about keeping it on him, god forbid) my youngest son answers it and I ask him where *him is and why he has his cell - cant imagine he'd let any of the kids have it ... then it dawns on me. Where the hell is he? I start asking Jay all these questions, like - where is J. (his son), is the car in the yard, is his computer gone, etc ... Yeah, he's snuck everything out while I was gone. I freaked, ran through the store (had my 16 year old with me)... drove to his place, which is only down the road from my place ... dont remember the drive there though, just that I couldnt breathe. My son said I scared him. Dont laugh, I was devastated. I had been caring for his son as if he were mine, J. even calls me mom sometimes ... he doesnt have a relationship with his mother at all and I'd been making plans with *him, you know, future stuff, we'd been in the process of redoing a bedroom downstairs, so J. could have his own room, etc. I can't explain how yet AGAIN, I'd felt let down, but this time - I was just in such a pain I couldnt describe it. I felt he looked right through me when I tried speaking to him ... he seemed so cold honestly. I was pretty hysterical that night/evening and ended up drinking quite a little bit. I'd left his place with the understanding that he was going to come and see me Saturday and well ... I dont know what else. I find out the next day that he's spoken with the ex that night ... I would've thought he's wanna check and see if I was ok, maybe I'm wrong. I couldnt believe he'd done that, neither could the kids - his and mine both were upset, crying, so hurt. Honestly, that was much worse then what he'd been found doing the weekend before that. I know, what the hell is wrong with me for even wanting him right? I'm tired of typing. But really, that 'day' as I refer to it, was likely, even at my age - I can say one of the most hurtful things anyone has even done to me. I thought we'd been doing fine and was on top of the world, so to speak. So - since then, until these past few days things seemed to be going alright. I'm afraid a lot, like a fear of him just leaving out of the blue, etc. I hate when he spends anytime at his place alone, I fear he's talking to her, etc. Terrible way to live I know ... I'd just felt so betrayed I don't know how or if I can even get over it. Some days are ok, while some I just feel like breaking down and crying, I feel sad a lot - OR sometimes I just wanna go into a rage and smash something. Helpful I know. I'm working on it. When things get so out of my control that I feel helpless, I wanna go into such a rage. SO - since he spends most of his time here and implys he wants this to be his home and such - he told me he'd have the phone and internet at the apartment disconnected (why does he need it there afterall? besides, i would think he'd wanna do whatever it takes to help me get over whats happened and for me to trust him again - or am I wrong?) all was supposed to be disconnected today. He just told me that he wasnt having the internet disconnected because he 'needs' it. For what? He has it at school and here, and besides, if he plans on living here - why the hell would you want another bill if you dont need it? Not the point in my opionion. I just feel like sayinf * * * * it. I'm angry, hurt and feel that he just doesnt care about what he's done. In fact a part of me hates myself for even wanting him to begin with, because clearly it's another one sided love affair, isnt it? Why is it so hard to just meet someone, let me love them and they love me back. I said to him, "Please disconnect the internet like you said you would, I really need this ~`" His response was, and I quote. "I said no." I wish I could tell ya more, but I'm hating all this typing and you're no doubt tired of hearing it by now ... please dont write me back with the obvious that everyone else gives me 'you're too good for him' etc etc, that isn't goign to help right now What can I say to him as a real tester if you know what I mean? Like something I should say/do to really make it or break it? I really need your help guys I'm really sad these days and a part of me wants to just get the hell out of this place and move on with a new life, find new friends, etc. I wish someone would just tell me what to do honestly. O, one thing I wanna mention, as odd as it may sound, you'll likely not wanna hear it BUT ... he seldom wants to have sex, I'm serious. I mean, the guy can spend 3/4 hours playing PS2 and I could get teasing him to drop his pants, etc and he'll get pissed off about it ... I dont know about you, but for a woman to be pushed away when it comes to that - it really hurts. Lucky if he wants to do it once a week. Is that weird or am I just paranoid? Sorry for the novel.