We broke up, and I don't understand it..

[vp83]

My girlfriend and I were only together about 6 months. We began dating this summer before she went away to college. Everything was going (I thought) just fine. She's about four hours away, and I made time to go see her several times this semester. When I saw her, everything was wonderful, we talked on the phone a lot, I was always there for her.

 

At times, I doubted the LDR situation. I even mentioned it to her once as I was just very upset one day. She reassured me that everything was ok, and after another month or so of her being away at school, I got so used to it, I wasn't upset at all anymore. She's made friends at school and I thought she was happy, she never showed anything otherwise. We haven't been together all that long, but we are in love, and I felt she was perfect.

 

I went to see her about two weeks ago, and again, things were great. However, she just came home for thanksgiving break. I noticed she was acting strange whenever I was with her, she was very quiet and didn't seem to want to do anything except sit around. I knew something was wrong but could not get her to tell me what.

 

Finally, she told me. It took her a long time to get it out, and honestly, I was bracing for the worst, I thought she was going to say she cheated on me. She didn't, but she wanted to break up. So, this is her reason, and I'm trying and trying to make sense of it. She says that when she's at school, she can't handle being away, that all she wants to do is come home and see me, and she feels like her life is just waiting between breaks and occasions where I go down to see her. She just kept saying the only reason she feels that way is because she loves me so much, and just wants to be with me.

 

Of course, I've suggested she try a closer school, since she misses her friends too, but she feels like she can't transfer, so that's out of the question. So really, I guess she's dug herself into a whole. She wants to break up with me because she thinks it will make her feel better in the long run. I talked to her about it a few times since the night it happened. The problem is, I don't think she should keep up contact with me if she's really serious, but whenever I tell her to give herself time without talking to me, she just starts crying. She almost seems more upset about the break-up than I am, and honestly, I'm heartbroken, because I never saw it coming. I just can't understand how, if she loves me so much that she just wants to come home and see me all the time, she could just give up on me like this. The worst part about all of this is listening to her cry. It drives me crazy, because I hate to see her like that. She calls me, crying, missing me, she still calls me her baby and tells me she loves me.. but she's always upset. I've asked her if this is truly what she wants and she doesn't know, she just keeps telling me she can't change her mind.

 

I don't know what else to say to her.. she just seems so confused, and it has me confused as well. I'm not looking for magic words that will win her back. I've dealt with breakups before and I can handle the pain of being alone. I just can't stand to hear her like this all of the time, and she refuses to break contact with me. I know I should probably just stop talking to her, for her own good, but I don't have the heart to do that. I can't bear the thought of ignoring her call and thinking of her sitting at school crying, alone.

 

This is all just such a mess, I don't even know if everything I just wrote makes any sense, but if anyone here has any advice for me, or has been in a similar situation, please, tell me what I can do to make things better for her, because if she's happy, I can be ok with this breakup.

[annie24]

hi - unfortunately, this is called "The Turkey Drop." A lot of couples break up when one goes off to college, and it tends to happen around thanksgiving. (yup, and it happened to me also when I first went off to college).

 

People go off to college trying to make the relationship work, but after 2 months, if it isn't working, they decide to break it off. And I think it's understandable, even if I didn't at the time. Some people need more closeness than others. I personally don't like having LDRs because I like to be able to call up the guy and see each other the same day or the same week. it's nice to have someone nearby to lean on.

 

If the LDR just isn't working out for her, and transferring isn't really an option, then it's best just to break up and remain friendly (but move on!). There is someone else out there for both of you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there is a fundamental problem with her reason for the breakup... she can't live without you, so the only answer is to permanently live without you? that's kind of like saying, i'm starving to death, so i have to stop eating! then going to the fridge all the time and opening it and looking at the food and crying because you're so hungry...

 

so really that excuse she gave you is kind of mental, or not the real reason she broke up...

 

lots of people do not tell the truth (or the whole truth) when breaking up with someone. they tell a version that they think will go over well, or casts themselves in a better light than the true reasons for the breakup. my guess would be that she has found someone else at school that she is either interested in dating, or is already dating, and doesn't really want to break up with you and is very attached to you, but perhaps feels guilty about dating this guy while in a relationship with you.

 

and she probably knows if you learn about this guy, YOU will be the one to break up with her and she is permanently out of your life, which she may not emotionally be ready to do or sure about yet...

 

my suggestion would be next time she calls, call her bluff... first, ask her, are you *sure* the breakup is what you want, because you are wasting more energy being upset by the breakup than you would be if we just kept dating and you missed me a little. then ask her, is the real issue you've found someone else out there (and see how defensive she is about that).

 

my final suggestion is to suggest you tell her to go to a school couselor to talk about her excessive dependence on you. if it is really true that she thinks about you constantly and cannot even function in her schoolwork, then she needs therapy. she should think about you happily, be recharged by your phone calls and visits from someone she loves, and miss you of course, but NOT to the point of endless weeping, inability to function, study etc. because she is thinking about you. that's not love, that's unhealthy infantile dependence.

 

so try to get to the bottom of the dependence issues (or the lying). if she really does love you that much, then what she should be learning how to do is stand on her own two feet when you're not around, and enjoy your love and support when you are.