I still don't know how to deal with it

[g84]

By this time, I wanted to be asleep, but I just couldnt fall asleep. I just lay there, and all these feelings came over me. Feelings that I am always familiar with. Im really sad inside, and i still am dealing with the same issues as before. My first post was about dealing with bullies, and instead of internalizing all the good advice, i just feel worst than before.

 

I feel like i have so much that i want to get out... I feel like a lousy person deep inside. But i dont know why. I respect everyone around me. I dont talk bad about people. I dont judge people on what they are wearing or anything trivial. I seriously dont do any of that, because i know what it feels like, and i want to respect people. But, do i respect myself? I guess not. I want to tell you something: after all of my previous experiences with mean and judgemental people, i feel like i am taking an exam everytime i meet someone. i feel like i have to be extra careful, with my body language or facial expressions - because if i dont, they will dislike me. I feel that way when i am in class too. Every new class i go to. I have to try really hard now, to maintian a neutral facial expression because i am afraid that if i dont, someone will attack me for looking rude or something - even though i am not. But, sometimes, i am feeling so crappy, and all i want to do is walk around and frown - but i feel like i can't, because some other bully will get on my back if i do. I feel so sick over this. Im just so scared that there really is something wrong with me. My head says "people are just insecure" but my heart says "you must be doing something wrong". I hate this so much.

 

These are things in life that some people just step right over. These are not mountains - these are pebbles, no? And yet, i can't get over any of it. No matter what people tell me. It's hard when you know you are a kind person, and you would give anyone a chance, but they dont seem to see that. They want to judge you on something small. If you look at someone the wrong way by mistake, they dont want to think that you had a bad day and just happened to glance at them. They want to declare war against you. Blah, i am out of it - im sorry for sounding melodramatic. But this is really how i feel inside. How can i confront bullies, when i cant beat my own inner bully?

 

Why do i feel this way about myself? I am so afraid of being misunderstood by people in every situation you can think of. I dont know what to do anymore. It's eating me up inside, and i dont know where to go. Tonight, just about every situation where someone was rude or whispered about me came back. And it hurt sooo much. I felt the sting of all these experiences that I so desperately wanted to let go of.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down.

 

It sounds like you are in college right now????

 

Most college campus has a counseling center where students can talk to a psychologist or licensed mental health counselor confidentially, and usually free of charge. I think it might help you to find that office on your campus and pay them a visit. It would probably help just to talk to someone because you can get these things off your chest instead of suffering with the thoughts at night when you're trying to sleep.

 

I am so afraid of being misunderstood by people in every situation you can think of.

 

I used to feel like that at times myself. I found that with age, I have become less and less concerned with what people think of me, and I place more importance on what I think of them now. This happens over time, when you learn more about who YOU are and what YOU stand for, and as you gain confidence.

 

Right now you sound like you experience the world in such a way that you feel like you are more of a receiver : Events happen TO YOU, people take advantage OF YOU, others JUDGE YOU etc. Try being more of a giver: Make events happen, or change them. Be empowered and determine the kind of relationships/interactions you have or choose not to have with others. You can make your own judgements too. Realize that you have more control over your experiences and happiness in life, it's not just everyone else doing things to you- you're an equal player. You have power and control. Be confident.

 

I think things will get better for you, but in the meantime, try talking to a counselor on your campus about it. I think it would help you,

 

BellaDonna

[Juliana]

You still feel bad because thinking doesn't change anything; only experience changes people. So. You have to take action to behave in a way that is congruent with your new thinking about bullies, and you have to get yourself into situations that build your confidence.

 

Do something, baby! And the world will open up, I promise!

[g84]

thanks guys. you've made good points, but I just have such a hard time putting it into practice. What I do is not congruent with what I know about bullies because inside, i still seem to believe that it's all my fault if someone targets me. If i can stop believing that, that would change things. But I dont really know why i blame myself as much as I do. Anyway, thanku again.