How do I know if he's the one?

[emmecat]

Hi all!

 

I am new to this site, but it looks great and hopefully some of you may be able to help me with a problem that has been bothering me all year.

 

I'm 29/F, met a nice guy at work when I started a new job last year, and , as i got to know him more, hoped he would ask me out. He didn't (too shy), so I suggested a movie one day and it's gone from there.

The problem is, while he really is a very decent person, kind, giving, respectful etc, he is VERY over weight, and I am worried that I am not sexually attracted to him. When I say overweight, I'm not talking a bit- more like 30-40kilos (75-80 pounds). So it's quite a bit.

I'm most definitely not looking for perfection, I am far from it myself! but my question is- does it matter? We share fairly similar values, have a pretty good time together and i definitely want him in my life. But he is very very inexperienced in relationships, not really had a girlfriend and only slept with 1 person, once! and he's 27! I on the other hand, was engaged for 4 years, and have had a few boyfriends now! So I have a basis of comparision when it comes to knowing what pops my cork, if you know what I mean!!

We have never slept together, despite dating each other on and off most of this year. The first time, I broke off the relationship before anything physical really happened because I was stressing a bit about this issue, as well as the whole getting back into a relationship thing. (I love being single and am very independent you see!). then we took up again and once more, I broke it off not long after, even though this time I made an effort to be physical with him- kissing mainly. But it just kind of left me cold, which I feel terrible about.

So what do I do? Am i being a horrible shallow person for feeling like this? I'm not actually even dying for a relationship at this point to be honest, but I know they often turn up when you least expect them anyway!

Is it wrong for me to want to be with someone who makes my heart quicken and my tummy flutter when I see them? I have never had this with this guy.

By the same token, I have, in the past, dated or slept with great looking guys who have been real a***holes and I absolutely know that looks are not really a priority in a relationship. But sexual attraction?....... I think you need it........

So sorry for the long message, but it's been eating me up. I care for this guy HUGELY and so do not want to hurt him at all, but also don't want to muck him around. He really likes me, and cares for me and he is very very sweet. and patient!!

I guess my concern is that i may make a huge mistake and realise a few years down the track, he was the most decent man I've ever met and I let him go. but I also worry that if i say 'bugger it, i'll just commit to him and not worry about the sexual attraction' may leave us both very unhappy in years to come.

Please help! I would love your thoughts on this subject.

cheers .....

[ashley4414]

this one is kinda hard.. if i were you i would look at it like.. you were attracted to him for SOME reason.. figure out why.. and think about what could happen in the future or something.. just know there is some reason why you were attracted to him and maybe it was cuz he is the one for you or maybe you were just brought in his life to let him still think he might get someone some day. i don't think i could be with someone that didn't give that butterfly feeling to me in my tummy.. i think thats the best feeling ever. but don't carry it on forever with him if you don't want it cuz that will hurt him the MOST!!! its real hard to tell you what i think you should do cuz i don't really know how you feel about him.. if you just think he is sweet and all that i would move on cuz if you really liked someone i think that no matter what they look like you find them attractive a little ya know?! well thats all i have to say i hope i helped you out a little bit!

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

Well first off I'm a 22 yr old guy so you can discredit me if ya like. I think physical attraction has to be a part of the equation, and I don't think you're being shallow in this. Being shallow to me would be to refuse any guy because of a physical characteristic, which you seem to be willing to set aside until you get to know him. I just think that for a relationship to work, everything has to be there. Physical attraction, emotional stimulation, stability, etc. And besides, please explain to me what's wrong with wanting to feel butterflies in your stomach when your with someone!?!?!?!?

 

What to do? None of us can tell you what to do, that ultimately is your choice, but I do think I can offer some advice. Have you explained this to the guy? Not the being overweight part, but the fact your sex life has been less than stellar, or I guess non-existent? What's wrong with telling him you need that? I think perhaps you should try to communicate your physical/sexual needs to him in a nice way and see what happens. If there's no spark, there's no spark...what can i say?

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[Nobody Special]

It really hard because I always thought of nice looking men. But this man that I've taken an interest in, he isn't handsome but then again he isn't overly ugly.

 

I once told someone YUK but now that I've got to know him I kinda like him and I wish I could ask him out.

 

Well I have done but under a rouse, I organised a drinking party and invited him out. He's not one to going out with his workmates, but I have made it clear that he is going.

 

I just like his personality and he makes me laugh, which can't be bad.

 

If the guy I liked was overweight, maybe I would have second thoughts.

 

But we do like our men to look a certain way, and we don't want them too ugly or embarrassing. The choice is yours, you have to decide whether you want to spend your life with him, does he push all the right buttons for you.

[emmecat]

Hi guys

 

thanks heaps for your replies- it's great to get other peoples opinions on such a hard subject.

We have had a pretty honest talk via SMS/TEXT messaging on our mobile phones, i can't seem to do it face-to face with him unfortunately.

I've told him I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to him and he knows that there would be a much better chance if he was fitter. I don't mean to sound horrible, but even his doctor has told him that he has to lose weight, so its a health issue too. He totally knows it, but I see no evidence whatsoever of him attempting to.

As i said earlier, I am not perfect at all, far from it! and have no problems if a guys a little heavy, thats fine, but this is kindof above and beyond that stage. when we have kissed in the past and I've felt his, um, ineterest (if you get what I mean!)- it's pretty much grossed me out. and that is not normally the reaction I get from feeling a guys 'interest!'.

aaaaarrrrrrrrgh! this is driving me bloody crazy. He feels I should just accept him the way he is i think- and thats what I want to do. But I'm not turned on by him, and that doesn't seem to worry him that much. he finds me sexually attractive but doesn't think that sex is that important in a relationship. Well, he's never had a relationship so he can't really compare. I've had 1 long term and lots of short terms adn I think you have to have it.

there! i guess I've answered my own question.....................