Very Frustrating!

[ecc]

My wife I am I have been married for almost a year and have known eachother for almost four years. She is Japanese and I met her when I was living in Japan. We came back to Canada in May and it has been hell. She doesn't speak much English (I can speak Japanese, so there is no language barrier). But she cannot find a good job because of her English and she does not really want to learn English she admitted.

 

Living overseas for 5 years, I can appreciate the adjustment it takes to live in a foreign culture, but she is always in a rotten mood. I have tried to do more housework, say kind things, buy her things etc., but nothing seems to work.

 

I don't want to go back to Japan, it is not an option. Half of me says, just to boot her out and be done with it. You cannot force someone to be happy if they don't try to be happy on their own.

 

I can't speak to her without her losing it. Her mother warned me she had a short temper, I guess we should have lived together before to have avoided all of this.

 

I am glad I am not alone on this site. Is anyone else involved in a bi-cultural marriage?

[vesper]

hi it sounds like the only thing really bi-cultural about your marriage is the language barrier. Have you thought that maybe in her culture women stay home to take care of the home?

[vesper]

ecc- Ellies post is really informative touches on some good ideas ...

[heloladies21]

This has nothing to do with bi-cultural, her being in a foreign country, or any of that. This is all about the dynamics of the relationship and a result of the way you act towards her. Would have to hear more specifics about your exact situation to say for sure, but this is the typical result when the guy doesn't lay down boundries enough and is basically soft. If you consider yourself a nice guy (nice to the point where you have touble sticking up for yourself), then this applies to you and the only way to shake out of this is to stick up for yourself everytime she's out of line.

 

Doing more chores won't work, neither will romancing her more. Time will just make things worse until she eventually dumps you (or you dump her).

[L.J.]

Though a bi-cultural relationship has nothing much to do with it, sticking up for yourself is not going to work either.

 

You have lived in Japan and you know how it's like living in a dichotomy, only you know you will be coming back to your homeland. She's well aware going back with you to hers is not an option.

 

Losing a love one is a painful experience as you already know, most of us in this forum are hurting ... try multiplying that by a hundred times and imagine all of us trying to heal losing not only our partner but family, friends, values, identity, speech, including daily routines... everything. Learning a new language is essential and important but that is the last thing in her mind right now. She's still adjusting. It's only been a few months since May. Grieving for a lost of an entire life is going to take time.

 

I know it's hard and it's hell, she might not even be aware that she's dumping her rotten mood on you. Doing the house chores and buying her gifts indicate you are very nice. Though I'm sure she appreciates, but it doesn't eliminate the problems. Time, patience and encouragement will.

 

Help her adjust. She needs to learn how to live a new life before she can learn a new language. Instead of doing the house chores and buying gifts, bring her to the Japanese or Asian grocery stores. Cook, invite friends over for dinner and hang out so she can have friends too. She might slowly realize that she's got to learn English if she wants to hang out with non Japanese speaking friends or wants to be independent. Just some thoughts ... I lived in Japan and many other countries for years. I'm English speaking and still had a hard time re-adjusting.

 

And the other posts are right, it's more than dynamics of the relationship you dealing with. Good luck

[L.J.]

I have to agree with Ellie. Very sound advise to make changes on the external issues before probing into the internal.

 

Take care of the coins, the dollar will take care of itself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this could be a cultural difference that takes time to adapt, or it could be that she wanted to get married and not work and is bad tempered!

 

my brother married someone from the Phillipines who had lots of fantasies about 'rich Americans' and what life would be like here, and the reality didn't quite live up to it so they had some rough years in the beginning to do with her disappointment and frustrations moving somewhere where she didn't speak the language... she also spoke no English.

 

She eventually adapted, by learning enough english to get by (still not fluent, but understands a lot), also looked for other Phillipino women in this country she could talk to, had a couple kids, and eventually found a job she liked that didn't require excellent language skills. so they have adapted, but it was not easy because of differing expectations when they entered the marriage, and neither estimating the difficulty of learning a new language when adult, and leaving behind a totally different culture for a new one.

 

so you have to ask yourself, what did you both expect of this marriage and coming back to Canada? sounds like you didn't talk a lot about what it would mean before you married and moved over here. and also sounds like she doesn't really want to adapt to a new country. there are all kinds of ways to learn a new language these days, via the internet, or english as a second language courses at universities and schools. so it can be done, but she needs to want to do it.

 

so the two of you need to do lots of talking about expectations etc. if she is really miserable and doesn't want to adapt, and doesn't want to find ways to be happy, then you have a big problem. she actually might be happier returning to Japan, and may not have admitted that to herself or you yet. so you need to have some very open discussions about what you both want in life, and if there is no real compromise, then you should discuss separation.

 

so i would continue talking a lot about possible alternatives to make the transition to this country easier, and if she just doesn't budge but continues to be miserable, then you might want to discuss separating and her returning to Japan if that is what it will take to be happy...

 

there are people who decide they don't want to adapt, and that the marriage/move was a mistake, so an open dialogue with her may get to the heart of whether she wants to try or not, or go thru the effort to adapt...