I am determined.

[Lily04]

Hi everyone.

 

The past few days I've been posting because I have been so stressed and depressed at the same time and needed to get it out. However, I have investigated things a bit more deeply...talked with others, for the first time a psychologist who was actually willing to listen and not judge (I have had very negative experiences in the past with counsellors.) And I came to a tentative conclusion: I am intelligent.I am driven. I can do well. The reason why I have been able to enlist the help of so many in and out of school had been somewhat due to this reason.

 

But the question always plagued me: WHY does it take so long for me to finish things? Is it because I am not intelligent (a conclusion I have been suggested since I was 5 years old, and my teachers wanted to fail me in grade 2.) But I am possibly one of the most complicated case examples and resist stereotypical generalizations, so you cannot conclude something that is equally simplistic in its explanation. In high school I was then placed in advanced standing classes and graduated with a 91% average. How do you account for this discrepancy? I have received different answers.

 

In any case, now I am determined to prove them wrong. Everyone who suggested I wasn't intelligent. I have dealt with some extremely painful situations as a result, and have come a long way... but I am led to question why. WHY is essay-writing such a painful experience in the interim? Why do I underperform on tests?

 

I can't answer the latter right now. However, regarding the former I feel encouraged because I don't believe it is due to my learning disability entirely. Or even much at all. It may contribute to some extent but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a case of perfectionism. This is what my psychologist suggested in our meeting last week as well, and I am really inclined to believe it. I cannot give up. I become paralyzed because I feel like I never have enough information. I can delay things for months because of this. Nothing is ever satisfactory.

 

But I realized that it is possible. I can write essays. They may not be A-quality upon submission, but who cares? I got it done. The significance of this realization was highlighted today when I received an e-mail from a course group asking to meet. I didn't intend on meeting until next week. But it was necessary now and I had been delaying. As a result, EVERYTHING is screwed for this week. And as a result of this essay, EVERYTHING is pushed back, so it will be very difficult to focus on that meeting. But I have to do it, I don't really have a choice.

 

The realization was that if I had just finished the essay I would have been in a much better situation with regard to this week, and everything. I cannot delay things to this extent. It pushes things back... I have to just move forward, and accept interim disappointments as a result sometimes. So I may not get an A. I am still capable of writing, I just refuse to. I refuse to acknowledge that I can assimilate information, and label it as a 'learning disability' problem.

 

Well I'm not going to do this anymore. Tonight I have a challenge, albeit a hard one because it is 2:00 a.m. right now. But my challenge is to finish this essay. Even if it is not an A. It may be the most difficult challenge because I am knowingly writing something that is not my best shot. But I have to accept it. I have to do this.

 

So my tentative schedule for tonight is as follows:

 

Schedule

 

2:10-2:40 -- Intro.

2:40-4:20 – Arg. #1

4:30-6:00 – Arg. #2

6:20-9:00 – Arg. #3

9:00-11:00—Arg. #4

11:00-12:00 – Conc./review

 

Thanks for all your support. It will be tough because I don't have an outline yet. I don't know exactly what I am arguing. In the past I would be paralyzed right now and would e-mail my professor telling him it is impossible for me to submit the assignment under the circumstances. But I am not doing that tonight. I may ask for extensions in the future if I see necessary but if so, I will complete them by then because they're reasonable not because it's what I had to do to ensure perfection.

 

Thanks,

 

Lily

[Lily04]

Well at least I figured out the majority of the problem WHILE writing... doesn't seem to be my learning disability, more just actual procrastination. I've been up all night...and only wrote 2 pages. I need so much incentive/encouragement just to keep going... I think what I learned from this is that I can't generally write papers in one night or it is extremely difficult.