Would You Date Outside Your Race?

[v8vachon]

I would have to be the only one to say.. C is my answer.

I am french Canadian (white) and ever since i was very young..14, I found myself attracted to black men.

I love everything about them culturally and physically, and i find myself having more in common with them than my own race. I have dated spanish men as well, but I am not attracted to white men physically. I have white male friends, but have never been romantically attracted to them.

[lillady898]

Isn't that more of a cultural thing than a racial thing? After all, most Americans are white, as are Europeans.

 

Ah, good point. But I've always thought of race as more than just skin color, such as maybe genetics? I'm guessing everyone has their own definitions of race and culture.

[amtjrtcet]

I would have to be the only one to say.. C is my answer.

I am french Canadian (white) and ever since i was very young..14, I found myself attracted to black men.

I love everything about them culturally and physically, and i find myself having more in common with them than my own race. I have dated spanish men as well, but I am not attracted to white men physically. I have white male friends, but have never been romantically attracted to them.

 

I hear you girl. I like my men like I like my coffee: Tall, Black, and Strong.

[Jayar]

I'm definitely C. I date mostly within my race, but would consider dating people of different ethnicity if I was attracted to certain qualities of the individual.

 

I do not date ethnicities or individuals with extremely differing religious values, though I might be ATTRACTED to them. For instance I find some East Indian or black men good-looking, but there's just too much difference in background and possibly religion to pursue a relationship. I am FRIENDS with many races.

 

As an aside, I will not date black men. It has been my experience (not personally but through dealing with emotional torture a friend has gone through) that the black community does not accept white women dating "their good men". Since the only black men I might consider dating would be successful, upstanding citizens, I'd definitely get flack for stealing the good ones. Family is EXTREMELY important to me and I could not handle being stigmatized by my man's family and friends.

[inthecorner]

D although i would not consider my self in anyway racist. I am indeed attracted to different ethnicities.

 

This decision is thereforeeee only due to family expectations. My mum particularly does not believe in mixed couplings. Though myself do not believe this, as we are all a mixture of different ethnicities and no one can be 100% pure bread. I feel that as long as u are happy and compaitable it should not matter + race is an imaginary concept, we are all humans. But I would not wanna insult my mother, she would be disappointed.

 

I have friends of diverse ethnicities and I am not racist and have not been bought up 2 b racist, other than in this area.

[Grokker]

Jayar: Please note that none of this is intended at all to be critical or hostile, let alone judgemental of your view.

 

The reason I address you specifically is that your post really speaks to my purpose in starting this thread, in a very interesting way (to me).

 

See, I'm an East Indian guy. I've lived in the US for 11 years, and lived in the very cosmopolitan city of Bombay for all my life before... I probably have more values and aspects of worldview in common with people of the West, than with 90% of East Indians. Not that I don't identify as East Indian, or that I'm not proud of my heritage... I certainly am. But I've made lifestyle choices and evolved a value system that goes with my new home and neighbours. Also my ex, who was an American of Swedish/Italian descent.

 

My reason for starting this thread (now it can be told, I guess) was that, as an East Indian living in a place where my ethnic group is in a very small minority, I wondered if I was especially handicapped in finding a date outside my own race and if so, for what reasons.

 

Could it be, I wondered that most Western women (of various races) were not attracted to East Indian men, or men outside their race perhaps, and thereforeeee my potential dating pool was much smaller?

 

However, your post has opened my eyes to a new possibility. Maybe there are Western women who do find East Indian men attractive. Maybe there are some who do find ME attractive, but won't date me because they assume that since I worship "six-armed monsters", or eat monkey brains, or will require my widow to immolate herself on my funeral pyre as a matter of religion... it just wouldn't work out.

 

None of that is true, and I sincerely don't mean to imply that you in particular are ignorant enough to believe that. In fact, I'm genuinely grateful to you for starting the train of thought that opened my eyes to this possibility.

 

I guess it's just going to take more time before we all get to know each other better, and look beyond our assumptions to see the people we really are.

[FoxLocke]

As an aside, I will not date black men. It has been my experience (not personally but through dealing with emotional torture a friend has gone through) that the black community does not accept white women dating "their good men". Since the only black men I might consider dating would be successful, upstanding citizens, I'd definitely get flack for stealing the good ones. Family is EXTREMELY important to me and I could not handle being stigmatized by my man's family and friends.

 

What if you married someone of your own background and his family did not like you...what then?

[Batya33]

Your post ignores that in certain religions -like mine -it is forbidden to marry outside of the religion - for those of us (like me) who only date men who they would marry, we could not date someone of your religion. Nothing to do with ignorance, just religious beliefs and values. I find lot of men attractive - some are married, some are gay, some attached, and some of different religions than mine. Even though I find them attractive, they are not available to me - for one reason or another - to date. I last dated outside my religion as a teenager and saw what a potential disaster that was. I was 17 - far too young to be considering marriage- but he was 20 - and at a stage where he was. After a few months of dating I told him that I would not marry outside my religion. Of course he got upset. That is when I realized that I was at that point getting too old to date outside my religion knowing I would not marry such a person.

 

Also, my religion prohibits trying to convince people to convert - to the contrary conversion is prohibited other than for people who can prove how much they want to convert.

[Jayar]

What if you married someone of your own background and his family did not like you...what then?

 

That wouldn't happen. I insist on having a great relationship with my partner's family, or it is a deal-breaker. I simply won't entertain the idea of dating someone with either a dysfunctional family, or a family that doesn't want me as part of it. I also wouldn't date someone my family didn't get along with.

[Jayar]

Maybe there are Western women who do find East Indian men attractive. Maybe there are some who do find ME attractive, but won't date me because they assume that since I worship "six-armed monsters", or eat monkey brains, or will require my widow to immolate herself on my funeral pyre as a matter of religion... it just wouldn't work out.

 

It's tough to say, because generally people don't give one another enough TIME to get to know one another before making judgement. While I can honestly say I wouldn't JOIN you in eating monkey brains, and if you died on me, sorry to say you're on your own (LOL), if THOSE were the only real cultural differences, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

 

But what WOULD be a dealbreaker (and this might be the same for others?) is that regardless of how modern, even "Westernized" you are, if your FAMILY wasn't and didn't support our relationship then THAT is more of a dealbreaker than monkey brains. I mean, you can always eat your monkey brains and I'll have a salad... But if your mother curses me every time she sees me, your father talks about me like I'm inferior, and your family just generally wouldn't let me join in any of their "reindeer games" then it wouldn't work.

 

I wonder if perhaps assumptions not necessarily of YOUR beliefs but your family's have more to do with things? It's hard to say... On the other hand, having not met you it could be something else entirely non-race related.

 

As far as choosing to date within or outside of your race/religion in general, it's a personal choice and should be respected completely aside from racism. I know when my dad first came to Canada he was pursued by a very pretty black woman. But he isn't attracted to black women, so he declined. She took it personally and viewed him as a racist pig. But in all honesty, not only does my dad not date black women, he doesn't date red-haired women either. It's not racism, as his best friend is black, but when it comes to the mating game you like who you like.

 

Grokker, I'm absolutely SURE you will find the one for you. I'm interested in your thoughts on my suggestion.

[FoxLocke]

That wouldn't happen. I insist on having a great relationship with my partner's family, or it is a deal-breaker. I simply won't entertain the idea of dating someone with either a dysfunctional family, or a family that doesn't want me as part of it. I also wouldn't date someone my family didn't get along with.

 

Sadly, that is unrealistic. You are not going to get along with everyone's family. That is a fact of life. Personalities clash. You can be the nicest person in the world...There will always be someone that can't stand you.

[Grokker]

Hey Jayar, I had an exciting day today! We East Indian-Americans (we all know each other) had gathered at the East Indian Community Center for our annual ritual, pardoning the Thanksgiving Monkey. Unfortunately he got his prehensile tail on the hatchet, and next thing we knew, body parts were flying everywhere...

 

Seriously, though, I do see your point... but I wonder if it's *really* any more valid than assuming the monkey brains based on the fact of my ethnic origin. My parents are kind, sweet people. My mom has lived, studied and worked in the US, and my dad in Canada... and though they're both residents of India now, they retain friendships in this part of the world that go back decades.

 

There's no way they would treat a girl I loved in the manner you describe. Hey, they accepted my ex (16 years older than me, white as a sheet, different religion, married thrice previously, had two children one of whom was closer to my age than she was, and then there were the real problems). So why should they have any difficulty accepting someone else?

 

But I do see what you mean. Everyone's heard a horror story... those are quicker to spread, and internalized with less time and effort than most people will take to really get to know someone. With dating as emotionally exhausting as it is to start with, it's so tempting to summarily reject someone and carry on to the next candidate, that most folks do it almost automatically. I do understand, and there's nothing to be gained by resenting or blaming people for being that way...but it's still sad.

 

 

Batya... going by your posts in a number of other threads, I think you'd find about as many reasons as there are East Indians on the planet to disqualify me before we even got to religion ! Which, of course, causes me to find you quite irresistible... ;-)

 

Anyway, I do see your point as well, and you're right, it has nothing to do with ignorance. However, I don't think that this (proscription to absolutely marry within religion) is as much of a factor for a majority of people in the US, as the sort of fears that Jayar has described. Though I could be wrong.

[Jayar]

Sadly, that is unrealistic. You are not going to get along with everyone's family. That is a fact of life. Personalities clash. You can be the nicest person in the world...There will always be someone that can't stand you.

 

So far it's been very realistic, and I've only ever had that problem ONCE way back in high school. And yep, I ended the relationship. But in general everyone tends to like me and think I'm great for their son/brother.

 

You're right, there will always be people that don't like me... They just won't be in the immediate family of the person I'm considering spending the rest of my life with.

[turqoise]

However, your post has opened my eyes to a new possibility. Maybe there are Western women who do find East Indian men attractive. Maybe there are some who do find ME attractive, but won't date me because they assume that since I worship "six-armed monsters", or eat monkey brains, or will require my widow to immolate herself on my funeral pyre as a matter of religion... it just wouldn't work out.

 

yep, I`d say people would take that into consideration. I mentioned in my first post too I recall. I happen to be Asian, but I sympathise, because though I look asian, inside I`m a mix of westerna and eastern. When im in New Zealand, ther are people that look at me and assume I can`t speak english; when I`m in Japan people look at me funny when I don`t understand something in Japanese. I guess looks serve as initial indicators for what a person might be like. And fair enough too, people seek out people who they`re going to be most compatible/comfortable with, whether friends or lovers or whatever. If I`m looking for someone who can speak Japanese, I`m generally going to go for people who LOOK Japanese. I`d be mightly surprised (as I was at a German xmas market last year) to meet a Sri Lankan who could speak Japanese. As more interracial marriages occur and people become blended-looking (is there a proper term for that?), I think we`ll approach people without as much assumption. Half-kids are SOOO gorgeous by the way. I bet they get the best genes

[need2bme]

No problem, at all. Dated a morena for a while.

[snosie]

Here's my thing. I would love to date outside my race. My first love (unrequited) was another race. BUT I felt that her friends were racist. She wasn't but that wasn't enough - I felt I would always be judged. That was quite young, and I can't help but think others will be the same. It is this black people are too good for you white try hards. This is why I feel I can't say that I like certain music and other things. So I try to stick to my 'race'. But then I realise, it is more than that, I stick to my culture - people, no matter the race, but generally the same, that have the same sort of life as me, same sort of experiences. I am also scared of a long term partner and another culture, it could be a continous challenge.