Twisted games.

[bleeding]

I am deeply hurt, very damaged...very much scarred and broken. I hate myself for what I have been through because I blame myself for not protecting me better.

 

It started young....I was bullied at school as a child and did not know how to cope. So I retreated into my shell to mask the pain, not feeling, not reaching out, not connecting with anyone. Each time I made an attempt to connect with someone....I was rebuffed in cruel ways. These made lasting impressions on me.

 

I didn't have very many friends and the ones that were "friends"....let's just say they weren't kind, nurturing, sincere....in fact, looking back, they just weren't very nice people.

 

But I let a lot of it go on and hurt me more....mostly because I was naive, innocent, unaware and had developed ineffective ways of coping. I was chronically in denial, could not acknowledge problems, socially awkward, and walked around with blinders over my eyes. I wanted to live in a perfect world where ppl were always good and kind so that is the way I saw the world. I believed that by being good and fair, others would be good and fair to me. This was the way I was taught.

 

Family was....dysfunctional but I could not admit it. I was blindly loyal.....family was all I had even though they never acknowledge feelings or problems. My parents isolate themselves. That was my childhood.

 

Then came the men.....I had not learned how to negotiate friendships very well....but when I grew up, along came the men. Men were easy to attract, it was easier to get their attention and I needed that connection with someone. I ended up in an abusive relationship.....I've been used for sex....I've been forced to do sexual acts I didn't want.

 

Each time, the men started out being nice, presenting themselves a certain way. But the ugly colors would come out fast....blame, accusations, only wanting to use me for sex. Basically, treating me like crap to get me to give them what they wanted. It was always some sort of game.......some new game....a thousand variations.

 

These days I feel incredibly sick and violently ill when I look back. I am so ashamed and sickened by exploitation. I have trust issues. I have trouble making friends. I am afraid of men who pretend to be someone their not.

 

I am losing my will to live. I hate myself. I blame myself and am sick with regret because I did not and did not know how to protect me. A lot of my coping methods from childhood....injured me more such as walking around with blinders on because I wanted to see the world as Disneyland.

 

I want to die. I don't deserve to live. I wish I had a pure life again. And I am always afraid that if I run into these people again......I will feel so humiliated, embarrassed because they will know how they treated me and how I just accepted it like an idiot.

 

Advice please.

[LostInMyThoughts]

bleeding: I feel for you.

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist. You've got issues, but nothing so insurmountable that death is the only way out.

[Juliana]

Your coping skills were not ineffective. People can survive almost anything but isolation; anything you did to allow you to exist in a world that you found cruel and rejecting was something that kept you alive to this point. See yourself as the canny survivor you are. You're no one's victim.

 

The need for the coping skills has passed; you can allow them to recede into your past now. The first thing you have to do is look around you and make sure that you are safe. If you are being abused, or hurt, you need to get rid of that situation immediately. Make no apologies.

 

Writing here is a good idea; can you keep a diary as well? It would be good to write about the things that have happened to you. Nothing that was done to you has made you unclean; Jesus said it was not the things that are done to us, but the things we are, that make us clean or unclean. You are clean so long as you try to remember to treat other people gently, as you yourself would like to be treated.

 

Comfort yourself with that knowledge, and protect yourself. You've stood up. That's good. Welcome to the real world; it's not as bad -- or as good -- as you've seen it, and that will be clear to you soon.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA! I'm so sorry for what you have been through and how it has impacted your life today. We can certainly do all that we can to help you but as you know, there are many things here which are an accumulation of issues beyond our reach. Have you been seeing or would you consider seeing a therapist?

 

This place can be a great outlet but you do need to work with someone one on one who can work with you to resolve and unravel this twisted ball of string. Blaming yourself is a natural process and you will need to understand that much of this was beyond your control which would then shift the blame elsewhere. Helping you move beyond your past and on to a better future really needs to be your focus.

 

Many of us have pasts which we'd rather forget and hope that others have forgotten but something's we cannot control and so thereforeeee we have to learn to accept them and move on. What is the most recent event that landed you here at ENA?

 

RC

[bleeding]

I have been working with a therapist once a week. It is very expensive and I pay out of pocket. I think I am on enotalone because I am just seeking empathy.....to know that there are people who care about others, have feelings, and that we don't all live perfectly. Supportive feedback and a sense of connection mabe....

 

Working with a therapist I have begun to be able to see the ways I coped, the consequences of the choices I made, my own responsiblity for my actions, and how I hurt myself. Where others would have walked away from an unhealthy situation, I stayed.

 

The most recent event that landed me at ENA was realizing that I use denial a lot. I deny that the world is not perfect, I deny that not everyone is good, I deny that it takes time to find good friends, I deny that I am not superwoman and perfect in every way. When I began to let down the denial...I looked over some events of the past and I noticed warning signs of the bad men I have been involved with. This was not something I wanted to see. It is very painful for me to see things I do not want to see.

 

I broke down and cried. I realized that I appeared weak and vulnerable to men who are looking for casual sex. I look like a lost little sheep with big eyes wandering the meadow. So I feel like I am bleeding inside from all the damage because I have let too many wolves near me...I pretended they were sheep too because I wanted to belong to a flock.

 

When I think back on the sexual memories....being used by men.....this is one of the hardest hardest things for me. My body and values and morals and soul are important to me. I feel very violated and betrayed. I should have protected myself.....I don't feel like I am worth living. I feel very broken and ill.

[Juliana]

All this makes perfect sense to me. Of course you wanted to belong. Of course you had to choose to believe that people were good in order to do that. I know what it's like, too, to find yourself gagging over the memories of the things you've done.

 

I also sympathize with the dawning pain of realizing how people have hurt you, and how you closed your eyes to the pain, but if anything, that pain is a sign that you're getting stronger. Your therapy seems to be working.

 

Please don't hate yourself. You only did what you felt you had to do. If you had been able to make better choices, you would have.

[Relationship Coach]

But look at where you are now! You have taken action to correct your perceptions of life and this world we live in, so you can be happy. That's a big step! I've spent hours with people just trying to get them to see what you have already seen! You're on the right path and that's what is really important here. Yes, you were wronged in your life and sometimes we give more of ourselves than we care to admit to be accepted or to feel wanted or needed. Does that mean you are a bad person? No, it means you are human and made some bad choices like many of us! Therapy can be expensive but how can we put a price on inner-peace? Stay the course and welcome again to our friendly family. By the way this is a great place to start an online journal, as you know it's part of the healing process. Forgiving those shallow men is where you have to start, then you will find the forgiveness in your own heart for your actions or inactions. You're going to be just fine, keep posting and you will see!

 

RC

[Helen67]

Hi Hun, as much as you are feeling at rock bottom, you should also read over your own words.

 

Your last paragraph here that you wrote should help you understand who you are, and where you have the capability of going.

Like you wrote, your body and values and morals and soul are important to you...The fact that you still hold onto these, is a good sign that you can change the direction of your life.

 

Don't forget hun, that many choose a different path, and allow the whole of their past to become their excuse for the terrible path they follow.

 

You realise your strengths, and yes hun you do have them, because you can acknowledge what is right from wrong, you know you have been treated wrongly, but you have the power to put it right. Because you can see it!

 

Although you feel like you are writing from rock bottom, I see differently, I see a beautiful, caring, loving woman who has not had a good start in life...

But you know what, I see positiveness! Anyone who recognizes *why* they are like they are, *and* knows others have done them wrong...Well hun, you are on the right path in my eyes!

 

You are climbing that mountain, continue with your therapy even if it is expensive, very soon you will reach that peak, and you can look out over the world with a new perspective.

 

Stay strong hun.....You *can* conquer.

 

Helen xx

[winter_light]

I have been working with a therapist once a week. It is very expensive and I pay out of pocket. I think I am on enotalone because I am just seeking empathy.....to know that there are people who care about others, have feelings, and that we don't all live perfectly. Supportive feedback and a sense of connection mabe....

 

oh. i do empathize with you, so much. i read your first post and i am so grateful that you wrote it. it is your story but it is much like mine. i recognize myself in it more than i thought possible when i started reading it, and i would guess that many others would recognize themselves in it as well. thank you for writing it down and posting it here. (i've only been on ena a few days but already it was helped me find exactly what you are looking for: a sense of connection, of being heard, of support, of honest feedback.)

 

i see and have seen a therapist for a long time, different ones over the years. i have always paid out-of-pocket and i think it is worth the investment. i think of it as an investment in myself and my potential for happiness.

 

you are most certainly worth being alive. i truly truly know what you are feeling though, the feeling of not being worth it. i've been sitting in that feeling all morning. it will pass. it always does, even if it takes days. hang on. write things down here. if you are working with a good therapist, hopefully you're working on finding new coping methods. i still go into denial and i still stay in unhealthy situations far too long. i struggle with shame and humiliation over bad choices i have made constantly.

 

but these are the things that have helped me. maybe one of them will help you, too:

 

- writing things down. a forum like this can be a lifeline. it has felt like that for me at moments when i don't know what else to do with my emotions.

- meditation. there are free courses in meditation that you can take. meditating, though i often fail to do it when i most need it!, is one of the only things that has given me a true sense of okay-ness in years.

- reading. try "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. she's a buddhist nun. you don't have to be buddhist to get it. i'm not. it is incredibly helpful when there is no one nearby to lean on.

- therapy. which you are already doing!

- moving around, getting out into the world. just walking, even.

 

do hold on and keep going even if it's only breath to breath or minute to minute. it will get better, and the hard parts will become easier to handle when they come up. and that all might take years but be patient with yourself. try to be kind to yourself. you are strong enough to be that honest with yourself; you are heading in a good direction.

[Anotherday]

Wow, bleeding. You wrote my life in your post. Almost word for word. I too got to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and let some of the most horrible men into my life. The last five years were the worst -- men who wanted money, sex, power, control but didn't really want me.

 

It's tough to be in a spot where you retreat. I've hidden for the past three years. I do understand allowing bad people to stay for far too long. I too know all about the men who seem so NICE, at first.

 

Please don't blame yourself. It is not your fault there are predators out there and that you haven't always known how to protect yourself. I have dealt with a lot of my pain by realizing I didn't do anything wrong but trust too much and not know when to walk away. I wasn't the bad guy, and neither are you. Hold your head high if you ever run into any of these losers. It's really their loss they won't have you in their lives going forward.

 

For some reason, I wanted to win the hearts of those not worth having. And I shudder to think how many good guys I've let slip through my fingers, because they were too nice, and the way I grew up that felt bad. It felt much more comfortable to be neglected or not cared for or used. I am old now and realize I may never be able to love someone who is good and kind a decent. Maybe someday I will get it.

 

But you have a handle on things and I am confident you will find your way. Thanks so much for posting this.

[Anotherday]

Juliana wrote...

 

The first thing you have to do is look around you and make sure that you are safe. If you are being abused, or hurt, you need to get rid of that situation immediately. Make no apologies.

 

________

 

Thanks for writing this. Words to live by and think I will heed them.

[bleeding]

Hi everyone,

I feel much more reassured when I read the responses. I am always terribly afraid that if anyone were to truly know what I have been through.....that they would reject me as being unpure, disgusting, stupid, weak, or rotten.

 

I do not like people to perceive me as any of the above...I have despised it when men (and women) looked at me and assumed that I had low self-esteem, could be manipulated, disrespected, and trod upon. These people made me feel that I was not worth anything but I never saw myself in such a way until I met abusive men.

 

Abusive men fed upon my desire to form a deep and connecting bond with another person. I was looking for a best friend, someone to share with, have fun with, someone who understood that I am a valuable and worthy person who seeks a healthy and happy life. What I attracted was men who saw me as vulnerable, who tried to seduce with false flattery, who used manipulation to meet their needs. In the end, it was the opposite of everything I was seeking. I did not ask for that. In the end, I ended up seeing these type of people as hollow shells......yes, they are warm bodies. But in terms of..fulfilment, satisfaction, joy, optimism, and well-being in this world.....it was hollow empty promises. I hated being used, it makes me angry and I find it very despicable.

 

It really bothers me that there are no consequences for their exploitative actions. As long as many of these men stay within legal boundaries (not hitting, not killing) they are able to perpetrate a number of wrongful actions until innocent victims.

 

It is the times when I think back to the memories of things I don't want to talk about....pushing my head down to give him a blowjob, not letting me get out of the car in order to force me to do a sexual act, flipping faces on me in a mere 30 seconds, taking and spending my money, encouraging me to steal, calling me a lesbian for speaking with women.

 

I wish so often and so much that I could erase these vile memories. But if there is one thing I have finally learned how to do.....it is to walk away from those that hurt.

 

Thank you for listening.