am i doing the right thing?

[staticcling]

it is 1 am and i can't sleep. he is in the next room snoring...the man i had an affair with, who left his wife and child for me. the man i left my own marriage for. the man i have been trying to leave since this all began. when god made me, he forgot the gene for breaking up... i am just incapable and need HELP!

 

since the work affair began over two years ago, it has felt like i am watching a train wreck but have no power to stop it. but the truth is i had choice and just made the bad ones over and over again. to spare you the long but juicy version, i tried to break it off about 17,000 times, but even after divorcing my unsuspecting and decent husband, even after being confronted AT WORK by his wife and kid in the lobby, even after he lied to me about sleeping and separate bedrooms, even after knowing he is still USING STEROIDS, even after MY MOM FLEW INTO THE COUNTRY FROM OVERSEAS TO HELP ME LEAVE, even after leaving the state TWICE... here i sit, listening to him snore.

 

ok. before i sound like a total lost cause, a couple of things: i grappled with staying because we came so far... he DID leave her, and i did leave my MARRIAGE AND MY HOUSE AND QUIT MY JOB (what the hell did i do?) and our "grand plan" is to marry (when his divorce is final). when it is just the two of us, we have a great time. but because we started as an affair, trying to integrate our lives has been difficult. Before we lived together, i wanted to leave out of guilt. Now, i want to leave out of guilt and doubt.

 

Doubt: not sure if we met under normal circumstances, would our lives fit together? i will never know. will i always feel like the 'other woman?'

 

Doubt: steroids? no wonder he looks so damn good! but steroids? and lying to me about it? can anyone spell R-E-D F-L-A-G???

 

Guilt: we fell in love while his wife was still preggers. they never had a chance because i was already in the picture. his son adores him. and me. and us. his estranged wife hates me.

 

Guilt: thanksgiving and christmas will be isolated. his family can't accept me and they have not spoken to him in a year. he is choosing me over them.

 

so the bottom line is: even if the love feels right, the rest feels SO DAMN WRONG. and it has felt WRONG TO BEGIN WITH but I just could not stop myself. i could not stop the trainwreck. but I cant keep doing this... and have to break it off before he not only sacrifices his marriage, but his immediate family! I can't live with knowing he will sacrifice spending the holidays with them, to fight for us. because deep down i know that if his family can't accept me, we won't survive the relationship. too much has been lost,

 

So after months of therapy, i wrote him a "Dear John" letter and am planning to leave him on Friday. I am packing while he is at work...

 

am i a total coward? i know that he will just talk me out of it if i try to tell him all of this face to face. and my track record of leaving the relationship has been awful, even when the stakes are this high.

 

please don't send unkind replies about my being a homewrecker... i want to leave, believe me. with a shred of integrity.

[doyathink]

I guess I really dont understand, in the end, didn't you get what you wanted? He is with you now and you are with him....isn't that what you were striving for?

 

Now you have guilt ....however, you will probably always have that because whats done is done..there is no changing that whether you stay or go.

[sparkle1]

I think you're wrong to go.

 

You've both given up so much to be together.

 

No disputin that often affairs aren't quite as much fun as you first think they'll be when you're doing all the chores the wife used to.

 

I think if you leave now you will leave this man devastated.

 

you don't say if his wife wants him back? if his marriage is reconcillable?

 

I appreciate all of what you've said - but not once do you mention you don't actually love him.

 

He has done nothing wrong - apart from the obvious. Are you missing the chase of the moment of the affair?

 

You will always have the doubts that you are the other woman - and that he'll do to you what he done to his wife. that comes with the territory i'm affraid.

 

His family will come round once they've accepted his decision.

 

i think you're really confused and you will be acting in haste if you do this on Friday...

 

sparke xx

[TylrLvck]

It sounds like reality is setting in and you are in FACT getting what you thought you wanted.

 

I am not telling you what to do, but ask yourself why you a re REALLY

with this man? Do you love him?? If you love him why do you want to leave him? Now that he has given up everything to be with you.

You guys went through hell to be together, and this is what the end result will be?

 

Put yourself in HIS shoes. How would you feel if you came home to a "Dear Jane" letter? Wouldn't you rather he tell you he is unhappy to your face rather than running out like a spineless coward?? If you do this, that is EXACTLY what you will be. A coward. Regardless of HOW or why you guys got together (whats done is done) this guy still deserves to know the truth.

 

Running away is ONLY going to cause you MORE pain and MORE turmoil. You started this relationship under shady pretenses...so at least try to end it with some resolution and dignity for yourself.

[staticcling]

i really love him, yes.

 

i will admit though, that i do hold resentments towards him because i sacrificed alot more of my "past life" and did so about a year sooner than he did, so i am riding on a year and a half of torturous waiting for him and guilt for the affair during that time. so there is still that resentment.

 

and his family is stubborn old-school italian, i am afraid. they have a history of not accepting things for years. i am afraid that if i stay with him, even though i love him, we will face years of family rejection. that idea is pretty overwhelming to me, after all we have already been through.

[agent1607307371]

I think right now, after living the fantasy you are running head first into reality and the two are not going to align.

 

Before, it was just the two of you and now you have a whole load of people in your relationship and they may not approve. Either their attitude will beat you, or you will side step it and give it no consideration.

 

Ultimately, if you love him and want to be with him you now have to face the consequences that arise because of it and understand that it is not going to be roses and may never be.

[staticcling]

let me give you examples of the resentments:

 

a) he insisted that even though we were living apart, neither of us should go out with friends during the course of the affair. result: i spent saturday nights at home watching movies via text message together.

 

b) he lied to me about steroid use and even though he promised he would be honest if he started to use, he has continued to lie. he also lied about sleeping in separate bedrooms with his wife the last 6 months of the affair.

 

and examples about the family:

 

a) wife is invited to all family events (including a b-day party for HER), but he and i are not invited.

 

b) brothers and sisters have not spoken to him since easter and refuse to see him for the holidays.

 

c) his spiteful aunt invites wife to lunch and has given brothers money and gifts, so they have motive to stay aligned with her. even though aunt had a 20 year affair with a well-known mobster, she has the audacity to call me a wh**r*.

 

see what i am up against?

[booberry]