but do i WANT my ex who dumped me back?

[in_flux]

now, after a couple of weeks of being broken up but still living together, my ex-girlfriend made some slight overtures to me tonight, hinting that she might have made a mistake and she's not sure if her decision to break up after 2.5 years was the right one. here's the thing -- the day she broke up with me i cried and didnt want it to happen, and i have been miserable ever since then, but now in a weird twist, part of me feels like i don't want her back?!?! is this just the brain messing with me, because i've been trying for the past couple of weeks to deal with the fact that it's over and move on with my life & get accustomed to being on my own? or maybe is it because i've felt like she's had total control over me and my emotions, being the one who chose to end things, and now that i feel like she might be caving in and i'm getting back in control a little bit, i don't want her? what does this all mean? i want her and i don't. so confused. maybe she's just scared now because it's hitting her that she has to move out and find her own place and be on her own, and it's more a comfort and dependency thing than her really thinking that she wants to be with me, even tho she said that she still has feelings for me and isn't so sure she wants to be "miss single and independent" ... dunno how to read this ... part of the reason she broke up with me was because she was developing feelings for some other guys behind my back, and she felt guilty and didn't want to sneak around on me but felt like that was something she didn't want to stop doing. so how am i supposed to trust her when she says she might want to get back together? confused, confused ... dunno what i want .... should she maybe move out and get on her own while we remain friends, and not close the door to reconciliation but be wary? or should we just bury the hatchet if she wants that, as long as she promises not to cheat or flirt or whatever and we can work through that stuff she already did? how can i trust someone who would cut me loose like she did? ugh, i don't know what to do. anyone have any kind of experience with/perspective on this???????

[faeriechyld]

The issue is not what your ex girlfriend wants, but you want. Perhaps the best way to figure this out is to have her move out and spend some time alone to see if that is what you want. You may realize that after being apart from her for some time that she is not the person you want to be with.

Before you make any decision, you need to sit down and figure out all of these different feelings that are going through your head. It is completely understandable to have mixed emotions when it comes to getting back with your ex and this decision should only be made after profound thought has been put into it. She hurt you, and you are afraid she will hurt you again. Perhaps in the time since she broke up with you, you have realized that it was best for your relationship.

You also have to consider her motives. I agree with you that it may just be a comfort/dependency issue about moving out on her own. The only way to truly know is through communication and observation. She also needs to realize what she truly wants. If during your talks with her, you are getting the feeling she is not being sincere, chances are you're right. Watch her body language when you talk to her, even bring up the idea about the dependency and see how she reacts.

All in all I suggest you think about this on your own and then you sit down and talk to her about it. But remember, this is your decision based on your wants and needs.

Best wishes.

[jacobs]

DUMP HER !!!!!!!

 

FROM WHAT I HAVE JUST READ FROM YOU........

 

(1).

SHES WITH OTHER GUYS.

 

(2).

SHES USING YOU.....(PLACE 2 STAY ETC)

 

(3).

SHES EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU.(CONTROL).

MEANING,SHE IS WORRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING BETTER

ABOUT THE BREAK UP.WHICH MEANS SHE WOULD LOSE POWER,

NOT TO MENTION FREE ROOM AND BOARD,WHILE SHES OUT

WITH THESE OTHER GUYS....

LISTEN BROTHER....SHE DOESNT LOVE YOU...AND THE ONLY MISTAKE SHE HAS MADE IS HER POSSIBLY LOSING HER MEALTICKET.

KEEP HER AROUND FOR SEX IF YOU WANT TO...TREAT HER LIKE THE TRAMP SHE IS....THEN SHE WILL REALLY LOVE YOU....DONT EVR LET HER SEE YOU CRY AGAIN....TREAT HER LIKE S

HIT.......

I DONT MEAN TO BE SO HARD....BUT AS A MAN TO ANOTHER MAN

YOU NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH..

GO BROTHER...

[room302]

this is tough i would say it isnt do you want her or not. its more like Do oyu want to be ocmfortable or not. WIth your girlfriend theres always someone there. Your family line will be passed on. And your dependant you dont need to make much decisions. But without her your indepenedant and its damn scary out there. I say maybe dont give her the oppurtunity to get you back get ehr into some other place or move out let her know what she has lost she sounds like a lady who wants to cling on (no offence intended) But i woudl free yourself you need to get away from her go on a holiday get away from her and spend some time apart and look at the world through new eyes. Dont remain in hte comfort zone be out there trying with others who will treat you better. remember its your choice.

 

either way whatever YOU choose good luck with it mate

[splinter]

Hmm this is a very difficult one. I went through the same thing. My Ex lived with me then one day she said it was over and that she was moving out. She had the courtesy to move out a couple of days later and even though that broke my heart it was sort of a good thing. Its been almost a month and a half since she moved out, but it still hurts every day.

 

Like you, I suspect there is another guy involved. For some odd reason, I wasn't mad about this, just VERY VERY HURT!!! I realized that I wasn't mad because I was the one who pushed her away, I was the one that didn't give her the attention she deserved, so of course she would find it somewhere else.

 

Like the previous post, I think the bottom line is do you want to be comfortable or do you want to be free. For me I have chosen being comfortable because this pain just won't go away. If given another chance I will jump on it. The final thing is that even though she promises that she won't cheat on you there is still always the possibility, which is why if we ever do get back together I wont' ask her to promise me that, because who knows, even though I care for her greatly now it is something that I might even do, even though I hope I never do. That in my opinion is something you just cant' promise.

 

My 2 cents

 

Splinter

[jacobs]

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD BY SAYING NOT TO BLAIME YOURSELF FOR HER GOING OFF WITH ANOTHER GUY,BECAUSE YOU DIDNT DO THIS OR THAT.MAYBE YOU DIDNT>?...BUT NOBODYS PERFECT...MOST WOMEN ARE FICKLE,HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED IN PAST RELATIONSHIPS THAT ITS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING?THAT IS UNTIL SHE BECOMES BORED.AND THEIR ISNT A MAN IN THIS WORLD THAT CAN KEEP ONE WOMAN FROM GETTING BORED AND LOOKING FOR UNBORDOM ELSWHERE...UNLESS HES GOT A MAJOR BANK ROLE.ONCE SHE KNOWS THAT YOU LOVE HER THE THRILL IS GONE.EVER NOTICE THAT THE GUYS THAT TREAT WOMEN LIKE THEY DONT EVEN EXIST HALF TO BEAT THEM OFF WITH A STICK?BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE THAT YOU COULDNT BE YOURSELF AROUND.I DO BELIEVE THAT FOR EVERYMAN THERE IS A WOMAN THAT WILL LOVE HIM ONLY.SOME FIND HER,,SOME DONT..AND WHILE YOUR WAITING....GET SOME.....

[zerohour]

Hi in_flux,

 

I can certainly understand your feelings here. I've been thinking about something similar lately with regards to my own life.

 

I think that it is very possible that part of your problem has to do with your ego. No, I'm not saying that you have a big ego--in fact, the opposite. Getting dumped is terrible for a person's ego. A lot of the time, the person getting dumped would just as soon be out of the relationship as well. So why does it hurt so badly when they get dumped?

 

It's not so much your heart that hurts, but your ego.

 

The prospect of somebody that you were incredibly close to deciding that they don't want to be romantically involved with you anymore is incredibly hard to swallow. It's like forcefully taking a step back down the relationship ladder. Can you imagine if one of your good guy friends came up to you and said "I would like for us to stop being friends and go back to being casual acquaintances again." You're going to feel just as bad, are you not? Facing the reality that this person has decided that they want to "scale back" your relationship makes you feel like there is something inadequate about yourself. Which, of course, there is not--otherwise why would you two have gotten together in the first place, not to mention stayed together for 2 and a half years... right?

 

So naturally when she starts to have second thoughts about her decision to break up, it's going to be great for your ego. "Wow, there's nothing wrong with me after all!" But what you have to be careful about is taking her back solely to heal your wounded pride. Part of the reason that you have conflicted feelings may be that you really don't want to be back together with her (who would after what she told you??), but you still want to feel like you are worthy of being with her. But can't you still get that without actually getting back together with her? The mere fact that she is having second thoughts about her decision to break up can still be good for your ego even though you don't go back with her.

 

You don't have to go back with her just because the opportunity is now there. What hurts so much about a breakup is not necessarily that you and your ex are apart, but it's the idea that even if you wanted to get back together, you don't have that option. People don't like to think that some doors are actually closed to them--our society is based on the idea of limitless opportunity (think: the "American Dream"--anything is possible to anybody if you want it bad enough). Just don't make the mistake of getting back together with her just because that door is now open; you may realize that although the room looks familiar, it's not necessarily comfortable.

 

 

Best of luck to you.

 

-Zer0

[in_flux]

that's really true zero ... i think that when i feel like there is the slightest chance we might get back together, i start thinking like, 'ehhh i don't need her, i don't want her' but then when she shuts the door i'm like all upset and wanting her ... so i suppose it is an ego thing after all, altho i don't want that to seem like i'm a cad -- i genuinely do care for her and there are a million things about her i love and will miss if we are, in fact, done for good. but there are also things i don't like and won't miss, and i suppose that's what i think about when the possibility *seems* to arise that we'll reunite.

 

such a weird situation -- i really think, when i'm 100% honest about things, that i've come to love the comfort and knowing she's always been around and not having to be alone, even if there are things about her that do trouble me ... i think it will be best once she moves out and we are broken up for good, then i can heal and move on. i can't imagine not being her friend, but i think that we've gone past the point of no return, to be honest.