19 years old, male, and confused

[superdood]

Hey all.

 

I've been wondering if it is strange that I'm a 19 year old college student and have never had a date or a girlfriend or anything like that. This has caused me much distress for the past 3 years.

 

I guess part of this could be attributed to the fact that I'm a little bit shy by nature (I'm not the most social person, but I'm social enough that I can make friends), and also my focus on my schoolwork during high school and these first few months of college.

 

In any case, sometimes I can't help but feel like some kind of hopeless freak, not knowing what to do at this point. Indeed, I know nothing about going about this whole dating/relationship thing anyway, so I sometimes figure "why bother if I haven't picked up this skill earlier on?"

 

Then, I sometimes get to thinking, "I'm not sure a girlfriend will magically make everything happy, wonderful, and utopic as I sometimes imagine it. But if true happiness isn't necessarily found in another person, where is it found?"

 

Maybe I'm simply confused and need someone to talk to about this (after all, I've already talked about this with a couple of people I know, so why not ask some strangers on the Internet about it?).

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Edit: Oh, I almost forgot, I'd like to take this opportunity to say "Hi" to everyone on the forums!

[TheRedQueen]

"I'm not sure a girlfriend will magically make everything happy, wonderful, and utopic as I sometimes imagine it. But if true happiness isn't necessarily found in another person, where is it found?"

Within yourself.

 

I didn't have my first relationship until college, I really don't think you have too much to worry about.

[ForAnother]

Hey there.

 

Wow... difficult situation... one of those feelings i get every so often. I learned how to talk to girls/handle social situations through groups I was a part of. For instance groups that pertained to a topic I enjoyed.

 

Sometimes I think that I have this ideal image of what my friends look like and how they will act to my stupid jokes... and also imagine them to not be a nerd like me, party and drink and have a good time. But you know what I am not one of those people.

 

I've met people through classes, through anime conventions, through teachers... through hundreds of mediums.

 

Easier said than done. It takes some pro-active decision making... and its always hard to put a foot forward when you are unsure of the void ahead of you.

 

Best piece of advice I can say is, jump off that cliff and hit every rock on the way down. Cuz when you get to the bottom you'll look up and say "HELLS YEA!"

 

Try meeting a buddy in your class... does your roommate party at all? You see any frats you like?

 

I didn't learn a lot of dating things until I got well into college (2nd year really) and I still have no clue... just gotta go for it.

 

-ForAnother

[superdood]

Wait... not sure what you're getting at.

[TheRedQueen]

I am currently still working on my guy/relationship skills.

 

I have no regrets for being a late bloomer in this regard. During high school I was far too busy developing other, dare I say, "more important" skills.

 

Long story short, when you feel ready, put yourself out there and try meeting girls, you may be an amateur at first (after all this would only be logical), but ultimately you have got to start somewhere, and remember that it's better late than never.

[turqoise]

I was also 19 before I had my first relationship. It was with a guy that I liked enough for the first time, but I wasn`t in love with. Well, I`ve never been in complete love though I`m accumulating ex`s and breakups.

I can say that all my relationships helped me understand about how to trust someone, but also the danger, like the depths of depression it can sink you to if you`re not in a healthy and true-to-the-core relationship.

The romantist in me would say, that if I had the choice to be 19 again (and not be as depraved of confidence as I was then), that I would wait until the PERFECT guy came along. My sister got married to her first boyfriend, who she met at Uni, and it`s the same with my parents. I guess it`s just a matter of whether you want lasting happiness on your first shot, or whether you want to have some fun, and possible pain.

 

Hope it helps Just be you

[easyguy]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I am 20 years old and have been single my entire life, so I know how it feels to be sort of "left out" so to speak. But the more the days go by, the more I come to accept the fact that I am not going to let the issue bring me down. There are so many different facets to life that it would be so deprivational to your character if you let one aspect of life manipulate your well-being.

 

I personally believe that it is easy to alchemate want and need. I don't find it absolutely necessary to have a girlfriend at my age. I think it would be nice to experience it, but I wouldn't consider myself dependent on the issue of being single.

 

Happiness does come from within, as RedQueen mentioned. For me, it was about two things: (1) discovery, and (2) realization. I discovered that I enjoy my life by doing things that, well, make me happy. For me, it's playing and writing music, as well as trying to lead a healthy lifestyle. I realized that the mere act of being who I am made me content with my life. Sure, there are those times when life gets me down, but I am very grateful for the things that life has given me.

 

The problem that I run into, it seems, is being extremely dependent on one of the outlits, rather than opening up to everything in the world and having that summation in itself be what makes me happy. Independence makes me a happy person. Knowing that I have the choice to not like something. I have the choice to do the things that I love. There is no reason why you should feel held back from your dreams, however small they are.

 

It is not so much an issue of what you don't have, but a mental shift in coming to terms with yourself when it comes to what you do have.

[Lion-Guy]

I didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 19 and in college. I felt a little bit like you do now, until I met that girl. So I know where you are coming from. Once I had my first legit girlfriend in college, I found it much easier to understand women and what they want in a boyfriend. Plus it gave me a world of confidence and knowledge for future relationships.

 

Here are some tips to help you out:

 

1. Find a wing man, be it a roomate, friend, whomever (don't go out in a huge group of guys that will only hurt you odds)

2. Go out together to the college parties and hit on as many girls as you can (practice make perfect)

3. Sure you will get shot down and I did plenty of times, but then you group back with your wingman, b.s. for a bit and talk about what worked and what didn't

4. It takes a lot of trial and error to be good at it

5. The more practice you have the more confidence you will have, it really does come down to confidence and social skills

6. You will eventually talk to some girl that is interested in you and wants to get to know you more

7. Even if she isn't the best looking girl, chock it up as experience and see where you can take things

 

There is no better way to learn how than in college where there are tons of single girls.

[Haven]

7. Even if she isn't the best looking girl, chock it up as experience and see where you can take things

Wow, that doesn't sound shallow at all.

 

I'll just take this opportunity to emphasize that "true happiness" is found in the right person, not the hottest person.

[Lion-Guy]

Wow, that doesn't sound shallow at all.

 

I'll just take this opportunity to emphasize that "true happiness" is found in the right person, not the hottest person.

 

Hello...he needs to build the skills to find the right girl. You are not just born with it. I am just giving him some pointers on how to build those skills and ways to increase his confidence. Then after practice he can apply what he has learned to the right person.

 

College is all about experimenting, learning new things and living on your own.

[booberry]

Gee my brother was exactly like you. He never had a girlfriend in high school, he's always had LOTS of friends, but convinced himself that he was too ugly or shy for any girl to like him. Furthermore, any rejection by a girl he did try to pursue (WHICH HAPPENS TO EVERYONE) was further proof to him that he was a loser apart from anyone else. He concentrated on his school and friendships throughout university, drank, smoked, played videogames obsessively, and became more depressed about his luck with women each year.

 

Don't get yourself into a vicious cycle like he did. He convinced himself he was some sort of worthless freak with women and that lack of confidence was written all over him. It was a self-fulfilling prophesy because no sane woman is going to be attracted to someone with such low self esteem. He had every excuse in the world for why he didnt have a girlfriend (and all excuses pointed towards either something inherently wrong within himself or 'bad luck').

 

My parents were getting worried about him to, and I kept saying to them that that DEEP DOWN if he was actually ready for a girlfriend he would find himself one. He was just making excuses because the truth was, he had bigger passions and deeper focuses in life - namely, getting his degree. Also, (and this may be true for you too) he didnt just want A girl, he wanted THE girl. He wanted someone he could bring home to mom and dad, put a wedding ring on and build a life with.

 

WELL, just a few months after graduation didn't he find the perfect girl for himself! I dont think it is a coincidence, because he suddenly felt stable, with a degree under his belt he was proud of. He'd accomplished what he had focused that previous five years of study on and was truly ready for the next challenge.

 

He was 26 before he had his first girlfriend. I doubt very much you need to wait that long! Learn from his mistake and work on yourself from the inside out; truly love yourself and you will exude confidence. Dont tell yourself you're some kind of freak who needs to find their happiness in another person. Maybe deep down you're not ready, like my brother wasn't?

[superdood]

"Find happiness in you"

 

Care to elaborate this a bit? I've gotten this same answer from a bunch of people I've asked. What the hell does it even mean?? And don't give me a bunch of sarcasm or cryptic riddles, none of that BS. Just a straightforward, clear answer.

[notalone_user]

Well I am in mid twenties and never had a girl friend. I know couple of guys who flunked in university because of bad relationships.

 

So take your time... Throughout university I only hung around with guys. And I dont regret it. But I would recommend to get rid of your shyness. It helps talking with other ppl. And actually helps a lot. Try to go to social gatherings where you feel comfortable. If you dont feel comfortable at some place or party, dont go to it... Otherwise you may become even more shy.

[turqoise]

I agree with easy guy about Happiness within you. and Lion guy, that if you want to build your confidence, you should meet people with the intention of doing just that.

 

The Happiness thing is tricky to explain, because you don`t really realise that you`ve been unhappy. For me it was like that.

 

Are you doing what you like? Do you say things according to your beliefs as far as they don`t hurt anyone else? Do you wear what you like? Do you smile when you want to and don`t when you don`t?

 

Be your true self as far as you can without hurting others. I think that`s sort of what it means to find happiness within yourself. Cos then, you`ll be happy no matter when or where you are, with whom. And when you`ve got yourself sorted out, you`re a whole unique person for anyone else that comes along to see.

 

My old geography professor told us- be like an amoeba. They cannot survive without moving towards the food that gives them nourishment. Be like an amoeba and always move towards the things that make you thrive.