I need help with my muck up

[geng2]

So I think that i totally messed things up with this relationship that i'm in right now. I brought it up with this girl that i'm seeing that i occasionally smoke up. haha i guess that's not something you totally bring up. I'm not talking about hard core drugs, cuz i only smoke weed occasionally with my friends if and when i do see them.

 

It went from a totally normal conversation to a complete turnaround. The remainder of the time i spoke with her, she just seemed like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Good reason I guess if I were in her position and don't do any of that stuff.

 

The thing is, I really like this girl and I don't want to have things end on account of this. I met her only a month ago and we both really like each other. I guess it's important to say that when since we first started dating, I haven't touched the stuff (we're both students). It's just that tonight, i'm hanging out with some friends that I haven't seen in a while and we usually end up blazing eventually through the course of the evening.

 

Now, I'm not here advocating drug use, but to me, occasional smoking up has no bearing on how i feel about this girl and the quality of our relationship. So now i dont' know what to do. I feel like i should do some damage control but wouldn't even know where to start.

 

I'd hate to have this relationship end and have her think i'm some sort of junkie (which i'm not). And if it did end, i'm going to hate myself for even bringing it up. Hell, i'm hating myself now.

 

We both know that this relationship was going to end soon (she's moving to another city at the end of the year) but i don't want her to think terrible of me. Is there any way I can fix this or is this gonna be a lost cause?

[Captain34]

you are your own man and make you own decisions. i would say that if you find no problem with your lifestyle than you shouldnt apologize for it. remember, if you react likeits a big deal than it is - regardless of how she feels about it.

 

as long as you dont let the occasional smoke turn into more than that or let it interfere with your aspirations i dont thinkk you should be worried about apologizing or her thinkingbadly of you.

 

let it ride

[geng2]

thanks for the reply captain,

 

Yes, you're right. I don't think it's that much of a big deal. One of my closest friends is an avid user and he's currently getting his masters in economics. But it doesn't change him. I'm the same way, I don't see it getting in the way in what I want in my life. I just don't think that she would agree.

 

I guess part of the reason why I'm stressing about this is because I've been single for the past 2 years after a 6 year relationship. I absolutely love that I've met a wonderful girl who is going somewhere in her life and wonderful to be around. Sometimes, I feel lucky that I met her.

 

With that, I'm concerned that I'm going to hate myself if it ends because of this. Since meeting her she's helped me get my self esteem back (did a little depression phase from the last relationship) and I don't want things to spiral down.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

The first time you hear about drugs it's in a REALLY bad light. And some people can't distinguish between serious drugs and less serious, and some people think they are all serious.

 

I think it sucks that you found something that you and your partner have clashed about strongly, that's really depressing when something doesnt quite work for both people.

 

But as for damage control I don't agree. Trying to make everyone happy is pointless. If that's how you feel then that's fine. Don't turn around just to make her happy because that's even less attractive and it will make you not like yourself maybe.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it- keeping everything nice and tidy is always the most productive thing I reckon. Let it play out.

[geng2]

But as for damage control I don't agree. Trying to make everyone happy is pointless. If that's how you feel then that's fine. Don't turn around just to make her happy because that's even less attractive and it will make you not like yourself maybe.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it- keeping everything nice and tidy is always the most productive thing I reckon. Let it play out.

 

I'm not too sure on how to let things play out. That's the thing. I'd like to see her tomorrow (hopefully that's not too soon). And if I do see her, I obviously have to work my way around the awkwardness.

 

So do you suggest that I even try to talk to her about this or should I just cut my losses with this relationship?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I'm not quite clear what you would say........

 

You need to have a conversation about drugs? How they're not that serious and you only do it occasionally?

 

Did you already talk about it or not? You both made your feelings clear? Or just she gave you the cold shoulder and made you feel like a naughty boy? If so that's not healthy communication I think, I've been in that situation and it wasnt helping my self esteem.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Sorry that's a bit harsh maybe......... I just meant I think you should wait and see how she feels rather than go dashing to do cleanup- if she stonewalled you then it's better to wait until she wants to talk I think.

[geng2]

Thanks, that does help. Yes, you're right on the button when you say that I feel like I should dash up and try to fix things. I can't help it though, I guess it's a natural reaction. I guess I'll wait it out until she wants to talk to me. The wait isn't going to be fun, I'm guessing.

 

Could you clarify what you mean when you said that you were in a similar situation and it didnt' help your self esteem?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I used to be in a relationship with someone who was very powerful and confident but I had low self esteem and if I did something they didn't like they would stonewall me for days. And I would just put up with it and come running over to get attention and forgiveness, endlessly trying to solve it. And someone who can make you that nervous by ignoring you is in control of you. Ignoring and not communicating (unless its genuine NC- you need time to yourself) is childish. So either she doesn't want to talk to you or she's just playing with you. Either way the best way is to hold back- that keeps you centred and on balance and ready to communicate, when she comes back.

 

This is all my perspective obviously- and you've only known her a month right?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Although it's good to make sure the other person doesn't think you are ignoring her.......... If you are worried about that then you send an email saying how you are feeling. "I'm upset and sad that we had an uncomfortable conversation the other night." Nothing about the two of you just say how you're feeling- that way she knows exactly where you are.

[geng2]

That sounds like great advice. I appreciate your perspective and thoughts. I guess holding back is the best thing to do right now.

[MetallicAguy]

I think you should have a conversation with her about it. It shouldn't be a big deal at all, it's not like your addicted to a real drug. Ask her if she thought you were a great guy before she knew about your habit. And if she says yes, then you should tell her that its pretty superficial to disassociate with someone because of a choice they make. I think if she isn't convinced that she is making a poor decision, she's missing out on a good guy. Don't change yourself for her. You should want to change yourself for your want to change, not her want for you to change. Plus if she's moving at the end of the year, I don't see a point in trying to get a relationship going at all. Sorry man. Although you should tell her that alcohol and tobacco are far more worse than marijuana, at least one more person out there is educated lol.

 

I know you may like her a lot, but I don't see a happy ending here...Plus if she's moving at the end of the year, it'll be a lot more sad to see her leave than if you didn't keep progressing in the relationship (stopping now). Anyway, good luck man.

[geng2]

hey thx metallicaguy,

 

yes, I'll definitely agree with you there about not having to change for her even though she may feel strongly about it. that's pretty much what i was concerned about. total afc line of thinking.

 

yea, we both know that she's going to be here for only a short time longer so we haven't invested much into this anyhow but I'm kinda riding on that wave where you're feeling for a chick you really like. I just don't want it to end on a sour note. When it ends, i just want it to end on a good note. Maybe enough to attempt a long distance relationship.

[MetallicAguy]

I know how you feel, it sucks ending negatively when you feel like you connect hella. Well after you explain how it shouldn't affect our relationship at all, its something I do and its not anymore different from you playing a sport (or participating in a hobby, whatever). I think you should explain that you like her as a person and you don't want something as minor as this to compromise your relationship.

 

But, don't LDR it, they don't work out at all.

[geng2]

Solid advice. After finally 'calming' a bit I agree that if she is so quick to disassociate from me and label me so easily, that she probably wouldn't be someone I would want to be with whether she were leaving or not.

 

If she wants to be with me, she's got to accept the whole package, good and bad. I'm not going to humor her perception of an ideal guy if it's not me.

 

yea, you're probably right in abandoning the LDR. But I at least want the great going away sex. hahaha

[valenski]

That is the reward for honesty my friend but you did the right thing. She overacted but that is only because she cared for you too, so now are you going to give up weed or give up your girl?

[MetallicAguy]

yea, glad you figured it out.

 

haha.

[Siriana]

Well, since she is moving to another city you have nothing to save - you are going to brake up, because of that right? It is so not important what she thinks about you. It is only important how you feel about yourself for smoking.

 

But remember - next time you go out with a girl that is not into using light drugs I suggest you to keep quiet about it and to be completely aware that she'll have a problem with that and that it will eventually cause a brake up - unless you quit while in relationship with her.

 

This is from my point of view - I hate recreational drug use - so if I found out a guy is dooing that it would be a major turn off for me. Well let's say that the conversation would be over the same way as with your gf.

 

I suggest you to stop smoking (also I am pretty shure that after you're little bit older you will quit spontaneously) and if you're not interested in that than go out with girls who don't mind that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

for some people, drug use or any form of illegal activity is not negotiable in a partner. you may see it as harmless fun for you, but she may see you as a potential drug addict or someone who might get arrested or be carrying drugs when you are with her and get her in trouble.

 

lots of people don't want drug users as long-term partners either, because they are against using drugs and don't want their future children around drugs.

 

so since this relationship is over at the end of the year anyway when she moves, she may just figure she's now got two reasons to dump you (drug use and leaving town), so why waste any more time with someone whom she sees as have a non-negotiable problem with drugs.

 

so i'd just let it go, and move on, and recognize that drug use *is* a big deal and a deal breaker for some people, even though you don't think it is...

[Rabican]

if the relationship is going to end... then i say let it end how it will. If she can see that the occasional puff of a joint doesnt make you the devil, then you should be able to stay friends. Maybe she is just vehemently against drug use... and theres no grey area for her. Drugs bad, drug users bad people... ya know?

 

Let it play out, no use trying to lie, spin or come up with excuses... just see how it goes.