what would you do?

[super_dave0001]

ok, im back yet again, and just as confused as ever...

 

so my ex and i were talking, it was a pretty basic convo, tried to keep it friendly and happy. she has been wanting to meet up with me cause my bday passed and she wants to buy me a drink, but i keep refusing... so then i decided to ask her "what exactly are your intentions with me?" her response was "to be friends? why?" i said forget i asked. but she tried to pick it out of me, so i told her i felt led on and she asked how but i wouldnt respond to her, so she than said "im not saying we cant have anything in the future but we need to be able to be friends first let things take its time see where we end up....im not gonna jump right back into anything with you we need to be able to establish a good friendship first get everything back. "

 

so i left it at that for a while, she then proceeded to say "i dont get where this is all coming from and if you spoke to me instead of just running away all the time maybe we could accomplish something, but why would you do such a thing... you love to just bottle everything up and run" i still wasnt saying much at that point and she said "if we WERE to work anything out it cant be now, we barely can even keep a friendship right now, you always run, i cant trust you enough at this point to keep a relationship if you cant even let me in as a friend"

 

i didnt say much to her after that point, and i went out with friends, so i said id talk to her later. so fast track to today, and she says so whats the deal?

i told her i dont want to see her cause im afraid my feelings will come rushing back. she said " you dont want your feelings to come back... thats B.S. you want a friendship but you dont wanna see me.... you say you dont care if we run into eachother now i know thats also B.S. you thought i wanted to work this out... how would we ever be able to do that if you cant even look at me....if you cant even build a friendship with me whats the point of even thinking about a relationship?"

 

the last thing she told me was "by us going out and being friends im not guaranteeing you anything im not saying we're gonna get back together i just need to be friends with you first if you and i even wanna think bout getting back together"

 

now i know most will say forget her, just move on, but i admit she raises good points, all relationships start out as friends and if things work out people take it to the next step, and i can see how she wants to take it slow and see how it goes, shes in a better mind set, she realises that things wont work if we jump into it again.... thats what i gather from this....

 

sorry if this is long, but im wondering what others here think of this, and what advice you could give me..... i feel like my heads gonna explode...](*,)

[madppiper]

shes acting up... don't fall for it. And I'm being serious. You are still vulnerable, so there's no point to start a friendship right now. Tell her to respect your decision and walk your own way... if it's meant to be, you'll run into her again once it stopped hurting

[super_dave0001]

thats it? no body agrees with her mentality at all?

[futychick]

super dave....

I can understand why she is saying that ....

i think if you cant have a good friendship then the realtionship wont last anyway..

I have been separated from my husband for 7 mths...as he is depressed....but we have been seeing each other for 5 mths...just going out for walks, meals, cinema etc....we hug and kiss and hold hands but that is all.....nothing intimate....as he cant cope with it....

we are doing this as there is a chance for us to get back together...its hard for me..as we had a good marriage..and of course i want more from him but at the moment he wants to take it slow and i think that he is worth waiting for....of course we all have limits as to how much we can take but its diffrent for everyone...and depends on the circumstances....

girls like to be best friends as well as lovers...

i guess its up to you if you want to take the chance..only you know if is worth the risk...

my view is that life is full of risks and if you dont try then you will never know....

as longas i have breath then there is a chance for me and my hubby to start again....

SO my answer for you is that i dont think she is neccessarly been manipulative or anything....perhaps she genuinely wants to take is slow....

and there is only one way to find out .......i think....

but you will know deep in your heart the answer....

whatever is your 1st thought is usually the right one !!!!!!!!

 

love and hugs

futychick xx

[dreamguy]

i told her i dont want to see her cause im afraid my feelings will come rushing back. she said " you dont want your feelings to come back... thats B.S. you want a friendship but you dont wanna see me.... you say you dont care if we run into eachother now i

 

now i know most will say forget her, just move on, but i admit she raises good points, all relationships start out as friends and if things work out people take it to the next step, and i can see how she wants to take it slow and see how it goes, shes in a better mind set, she realises that things wont work if we jump into it again.... thats what i gather from this....

 

Not all relationships start out as friendships. Some people are hit by Love at first sight.

Concerning other relationships, yes I agree: They START out as friendships. They do not BECOME friendships after having been Love relationships (at least not right away. It takes time for the people to heal first).

Get the difference ?

If you were meeting your ex for the first time... then perhaps you could start out as friends.

She's right... things won't probably work out if you jump into it again right away. You have to make sure the underlying problems that caused the break-up are eliminated first.

 

One other thing. If you don't want to see her then simply come up with an excuse or don't answer her calls. But NEVER talk about your feelings and how afraid you are to become weak if you see her. It won't make you look attractive.

[super_dave0001]

but you will know deep in your heart the answer....

whatever is your 1st thought is usually the right one !!!!!!!!

 

love and hugs

futychick xx

 

my first thought is to try again, i agree with taking it slowly... only thing is im worried that i try to go slow with her and she meets someone else and takes off leaving me alone

[futychick]

oh yes superdave... i DO understand that concern of yours...I have it too...

 

BUT.......its just another one of life's risks....but she could meet someone at any time...and lets face it she didnt have to say all those things re...your relationship...she didnt have to say anything ???

It seems like she wants to try....my husband says to me ..." iF i DIDNT THINK THERE WAS ANYHTING LEFT BETWEEN US THEN I WOULDNT BE HERE NOW, IWOULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE"

I know its tough....but sometimes life requires a leap of faith....you just never know...if people change one way and fall out of love with you then they can change the other way and fall back in love...

 

Here is a nice story ..its very true......my parents separated 30 years ago..they hated each other ...they started divorce proceedins and 1 year after the separartion I remember standing in the divorce court with my mum....with my dad on the other side....they were there for the final hearing..

the judge who was about 70 yrs old....told them that he believed that if you have truly loved someone then it is always possible to ressurect that love if given a 2nd chance...he said it only took a small amount of love in someones heart to begin the steps towards reconciliation..

he then asked my parents if either of them had just a small amount of love for each other...left in their heart..they looked at each other and cried....

it was enough for the judge....he sent them off and told them to start again..just been friends at 1st..then dating..to see if the marriage could be saved...

they did this..and less than a year later...got back together ..and have been together ever since...they are now both in their late 70's...

that story always gives me hope....and reminds me that some things / people deserve a 2nd chance...and if you dont try then you'll never know !!!!

 

xxxxx

[super_dave0001]

your right that is a very nice story, and your also right life is about taking chances, and risks, and if you just live your life in a bubble you'll never experience anything, and never know the possibilities of wht could be or can't be....

[madppiper]

yes, but also take the same story out of this perspective: both were willing to end it. (especially her dad...) they broke it off, called it the quits then shed some time over it and once it stopped hurting, they gave it another shot....

[blueyed99]

Actually, I completely understand what she's saying; I do believe she is being completely forthcoming. She IS NOT playing you. Trust me. I know this for a fact because I have been in this exact situation.

 

1. Your gf is making a concerted effort to see you. Good sign!

2. She brought up the conversation again "so what's the deal?" If she ONLY thought of you as a friend there is NO way she would have rehashed the convo. Pleeease. She wouldn't have said anything -- and hoped that "you didn't ask about it" again.

 

As I mentioned, I said the same exact thing to my ex a few years ago after we broke up. And, like i said, I was STILL totally in love with him. But, I needed to do things the right way - go about it the right way - and my strong belief was that we needed to go back to being friends. Then we could build from there. It was the only way.

 

And, when I told him this he didn't buy it either. He thought I was "screwing with his head" but, in all honesty, I meant every word. Hang in there and try and be patient.

 

She sounds like a nice girl and she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. And, if she was someone who you care about, she can't be all bad! I mean, c'mon -- you've got the best judgement out there~

Try and take a deep breathe and understand where she's coming from. Maybe men and women are different on this one -- I don't know? But, if you love her and care about her you have to believe in her and what she is saying.

Good luck to you -- We are all here for you and love ya!

 

.

[papalazarou]

You wanna meet her. So meet her.

 

Be happy, friendly and DO NOT talk about your split up or whatever. At the end say I had a nice time and we must do this soon.

 

That way at least you have been friendly and she will be happier and no doubt you will be happier.

 

Then wait for her to make the next the move. In the meantime NC until such time as she does contact you.

 

Be careful tho. I have found that women want to "be friends" to ease the guilt of the breakup.

 

I read somewhere that generally women are the ones who do the majority of breaking up...also we do the picking they do the choosing. Furthermore they also feel guilty about the split because generally they thought that they had met "the one" and so the friends thing eases this guilt....

[downbroken]

I believe people get on this particular forum looking for advice on how to get someone back. The funny thing is that the most common advice that is giving is NC. I know that NC is the way to go in most cases. However, I feel that this one is different. This is an opening there that I believe you should take. Love is a tricky thing that we might conprehend but never fully understand. That is why sometimes you need to put yourself out there and your heart on the line. Why not take a shot? Take it at her pace. Sure in the end it might hurt, but there is also the chance that it might be good even great. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And you always have us to be here for you.

 

Remember all this only if you really want to. In the end the choice is yours.

 

D&B

[super_dave0001]

well i do want to work it out, but sometimes i wonder if shes doing this to ease the guilt of breaking up with me. its really hard to tell.... she is always trying to keep a convo with me when im on msn, but the thing is sometimes the things she says can change my mood so fast, and she doesnt realise it tho....

 

today i started a new job and she sent me a txt to see how i was and how the new job was going, i told her its ok an im surprised that she txt me, she replied saying u no i care, n i hope u can see that....

 

then she says things like this to me moments ago when i question her about us.... "i know i want u part of my life in some way but dunno how yet" "i dunno if it would work between us cause we have such a big history" "these are all things that will unveil themselves in the future " "i told u that i needed my space and time for myself i need to find myself before i can commit to someone else again"

 

so im confused, and wonder if its worth trying with her...if im just wasting my time