getting off to singles chat room- cheating???

[pattty333]

This is the second time I'm posting this... I would like a little advice. I'm 23 years old. A couple days ago, I found out that my boyfriend of over 2 years has been calling these dating services to listen to women's advertisements to get off. I looked at his phone bill (which is something I've never done) and noticed that there are calls for over an hour to these services. I noticed that some of calls were placed at 3 in the morning. The billing dates back to 2005 and it appears that for 2 whole years I've been dating him, he's been doing this. Another addition to this story is that I discovered picture text messages between my boyfriend and one particular number. I asked him for the truth and he didn't immediately tell me the truth. I made up some random lie about porn pictures. And he finally admitted that he sent a couple of nude pictures of himself and also received nude photos of one of the girls he met on those chat rooms. What should I do now? He's everything I can ask for in a boyfriend and he treats me good. He told me that it means nothing more than just getting off to these advertisements. I told him how hurt and bothered I was about this. He wants a second chance and promised me that he will not ever make these calls again. He told me that he doesn't think its healthy and that everytime he did it, he feels disguisted with himself. I love him still but don't know if I can ever trust him again. I'm seeking advice on whether or not I should continue the relationship with him. Thank you for any responses/advices. Anybody with past experience or just to offer comfort is welcome.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

Hmm... this is sticky situation you are in!

 

I do think that since it is interactive communication and he is sending naked pics of himself to someone and receiving some in return that it is a form of cheating. The fact that he's been doing it for your entire relationship is even more disturbing and hurtful.

 

It's up to you whether or not you feel you can forgive him and that he will actually be able to earn your trust again. Have you asked him how he will be able to prove it to you that he has not been emailing or texting sexual messages to other women?

 

I would have serious trouble forgiving my guy if he did this, but if I decided to there would have to be alot of effort on both parts to earn back the trust and learn to move forward as a healthy couple.

 

What do you feel about it right now? Do you think if you agreed to stay with him and work it out, that you could honestly trust him again? Would you be able to believe what he said? Would you feel the need to constantly check up on him, and would you consider that healthy?

 

Just some things to think about while you are making your decision.

[robowarrior]

Your bf suffers from a porn addiction. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or wants to hurt you.Its just his hormones going out of control. Getting rid of a porno addiction is very hard, just like for instance it would be hard for someone to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't think it is the end of your relationship, but you two need a lot of communication and theraphy to work this out.

[Relationship Coach]

Patty,

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sure you will find some answers here.

 

I believe that once a partners choices begin to hurt their SO, it's time for a change. Whether that change be your dating status or his activities only you can decide. There are always threads which create the porn debate, the pros and cons and it usually boils down to what you are willing to tolerate. Your issue is a step or two beyond the normal porn issue because of the direct interaction with someone. Viewing porn often opens the door to escalation because looking at one dimensional naked women becomes less stimulating and boring. Interaction such as web cams, real time chats and phone chats are all signs that your BF needs an outlet for his desires.

 

IMO he has crossed the line and having direct interaction will only lead to an eventual affair or infidelity. Sending pics of himself and feeling ashamed are actually a good sign. At least he sees the errors of his ways. Now do you give him the boot? Your call but I'd say look at the relationship as a whole, how is it? You say you love him so is this something which you are willing to work through with him? If he was an alcoholic would you just walk away from him or support him and get him help? I would see if he is willing to be counseled for his sexual issues and work on them with your support. Let him regain your trust through his efforts and commitment to the relationship. You both need to uncover what his attraction is to these activities so you can understand what areas of your relationship may in fact be lacking.

 

I wish you the best of luck and I really think if he is willing to getting outside help, you can both save your relationship.

 

RC

[Bethany]

Give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure he feels like a jerk right now. But I would make it clear and absolutely mean this...once more and he's gone! If he breaks his word, he will prove that he can't be trusted and has no respect for you or your wishes and you need to follow through with action.

[Relationship Coach]

Give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure he feels like a jerk right now. But I would make it clear and absolutely mean this...once more and he's gone! If he breaks his word, he will prove that he can't be trusted and has no respect for you or your wishes and you need to follow through with action.

 

I think ultimatums are a bad idea at this point, until you find out the real issues to understanding his actions and behaviors you need to play the role of a helper. If he doesn't want help, it's your call but I'd walk away at that point.

 

RC

[Bethany]

Sometimes a woman needs to get tough, prove she won't put up with this and mean it or nothing changes.

 

I seriously don't think he is a porn addict, he got carried away with the buzz and now it's come back to bite him on the backside!

 

Your making judgements on this man's mind like he has an obsession when you don't know that, it's more likey that it's a fantasy gone too far and I find it hard to believe that this man can't just turn off his computer and walk away IF he truly wanted to, and has indeed has promised to.

[Relationship Coach]

I looked at his phone bill (which is something I've never done) and noticed that there are calls for over an hour to these services. I noticed that some of calls were placed at 3 in the morning. The billing dates back to 2005 and it appears that for 2 whole years I've been dating him, he's been doing this.

 

While I respect your opinion Bethany, I certainly don't agree with you based on what she has told us. I can only go by what she tells us and what my experience is in counseling others in similar situations. There is a fine line between an obsession and an addiction but this is beyond the common fantasy. Sexual addictions are more common than one might think. I agree with putting your foot down but if the relationship is worth saving, she needs direction on how to do it other than STRIKE 3, you're out!

 

RC

[Bethany]

I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

 

But I suppose it's up to the OP what she chooses to do about it. She can either blame this on an illness of the mind, that it's something he can't control and let him use it as an excuse for walking all over her and her feelings, pack him off the therapy to talk about his 'addiction' forever and a day.

 

Or she can put this down to that it's something he probably did as a masturbatory thing that started before they got together, that he never stopped doing as he never saw it as a threat or problem until she caught him, that is. That he got lost in the buzz of it all but now he sees the error of his ways and has made a decision to respect her and not do this anymore and he should stick by his word.

 

I watch porn. I have visited sites like that and I do understand that some can get lost in the fantasy, especially as a single man because afterall it's something you do alone and for your own pleasure and I understand how this can get out of control for some.

But when it takes over your life, you need to say to yourself, enough is enough, I am hurting others and I will not do this anymore. And if I do not, I don't deserve another chance.

[Hope75]

To me, at least, this goes above and beyond porn.... her boyfriend wasn't jsut viewing anonymous sites with pictures, he was actually exchanging information and naked pictures with another woman.... to me that seems to cross a line that porn does not.

 

JMO, I guess.

[Rabican]

tell him this is cheating to you, and you wont put up with it. Now that you have had the talk, you can either end it or give him one last chance... one that if he screws up you will pile his stuff up outside the front door and kick him to the curb.

 

If he sounds sorry, and sincere give him a shot... however for some reason im thinking he may view this is 'porn' and will just continue doing it. i could be wrong.

[Rabican]

I think ultimatums are a bad idea at this point, until you find out the real issues to understanding his actions and behaviors you need to play the role of a helper. If he doesn't want help, it's your call but I'd walk away at that point.

 

RC

 

Theres nothing ever wrong with an ultimatum on something like this. You keep yanking to another girls voice, I walk. Shes simply telling him how it is, and how it should be. Ill never understand this 'understanding' what made someone do something wrong. Who cares, he did wrong, theres no grey area about it. Either its right, or its wrong... from there the only place to go is to try to fix it (ie he stops) or to say forget it, and walk away.

[Emmylu]

Same happened to me some 15 years ago. My bf was putting personal ads in the paper and calling women through this service which charges a lot per minute. When I confronted him, he always had some excuse. I think some men do it because (1) he can fantasize the girl to be anything he wants and (2) he can pretend to be anything he wants. This is why it's so addictive, cos it's not reality.

 

So, I was with this guy for three years and then I left him. I moved on to better relationships. We send Xmas cards and such, so we're kind of in touch and guess what, for the past 15 years, he never found anybody else. He moved from ads in the paper to ads online, always searching. He is 55 years old this year, and he is still living alone, sitting at the computer. Sad picture. But that's the life he chose for himself.

 

You should know that what you are seeing is his destiny. We each have our own path in life. Our weaknesses and strengths decide our failure or success in love, work, family, etc. If he can't get on the right path, you can't save him. Find your own happiness.

[pattty333]

Thank you for all the concerns and advices you've given me. This sure helps me see a lot of different aspects people have on this. To update everyone on this, I"ve decided to give him a second chance. Since then, hes given me unlimited access to his phone records to prove himself. However, this is not something I want to do, I do not want to "check" his phone bills every month. Though I decided I want to be with him, I'm still pretty devasted about this issue. When were talking and going out, our relationship seems good. But when hes at work or at home (when hes not with me), I wonder what hes doing or if hes making those calls. I have fears that if I do check his phone records that I'll see those numbers again. I know this is not healthy, I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust him again. Also, I went out a couple nights ago and met several different guys. Though it was all innocent, I told him what I did and he was really upset. I began to feel really bad. This pushed me to give him a second chance b/c I know I still care about him and don't want to ever hurt him. Anyone out there, who's given their partner a second chance in a relationship, please advice.

[Hope75]

Have you considered asking him to go to therapy with you? To find out why he felt compelled to make these calls and share naked pictures of himself with others?

 

I'd be interested if he would be willing to go.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

yeah, it's partly the old 'is porn cheating or not?' question, but the fact that he is just not a passive observer, but is exchanging information, phone numbers, pictures etc. with people in porn chat rooms would give me pause...

 

is he just scratching a porn itch, or is he trolling and experimenting with the idea of taking it the next step to cheating, or looking for a new partner?

 

there are so many avenues open to engage in sexual related behavior that does not involve our partners, that the degree of their involvement with porn or other people has to be evaluated, and a comfort level established that both partners are willing to abide by. some couples think porn is fun or stimulating, even chat rooms as long as there is no personal contact, but other people feel this is just a variety of cheating.

 

so if he got carried away and then realized he was wrong, then you might be able to work it out, but if he was trolling for an actual hookup with some other women, or is not mature enough to respect the boundaries you set together, then it might not work out...

 

i would definitely talk to him a lot about this, and together establish what you both think is acceptable in terms of any sexual behavior that is not between the two of you... and if he violates that again, then you have a harder decision to decide if he is trustworthy or not...

 

sometimes a difference in opinion about porn related activities can be negotiated (i.e., you both come to an agreement of what you'll allow in terms of sexual activities away from the other partner), and sometimes not... some people will push those boundaries no matter where you set them, and some people cheat because they want to, and may look like they're agreeing to something with you, but will do what they want behind your back, hoping to not get taught...

 

only you know your boyfriend well enough to decide what his character is like, and whether his values fit with yours, but definitely talk it out with him (and even a counselor) until you are sure whether you want to trust him or not...

[Bethany]

But when hes at work or at home (when hes not with me), I wonder what hes doing or if hes making those calls. I have fears that if I do check his phone records that I'll see those numbers again.

 

You have no option but to try to build up your trust in him I'm afraid, it's part of the deal.

 

And I know this is awkward but he needs to volunteer those bills without you asking until that fear inside you has completely gone and is replaced by trust. I'm sure that him offering them up to you without you asking for them will help you a great dea and speed up your healing and trust in him. Talk to him about it and what you need.