My GF feels overweight...how do I deal?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Unless she's 5'3" or shorter, she's not overwieght.

 

Besides if she's working out, she'll gain muscle mass, which is hevier than fat, so she'll be trimmer, but weigh more.

[methodman]

I agree CB, but she is the one that needs to be comfortable in her own skin and obviously she isn't.

 

To me she looks great and I love her curves, but if she herself does not feel sexy, then she suffers and intimately, I suffer.

 

I want her to be at the weight that she wants to be and I will do my best to encourage that.

 

It also does not help that alot of my other girl friends are very skinny and have no problem keeping off weight.

[Scout]

To me she looks great and I love her curves

 

I am not entirely convinced that you think she looks "great" based on some of your other comments.

[methodman]

Scout,

 

I love her regardless and even being at the weight she is now I am still extremely attracted to her. But her being upset about it also makes me upset because I don't like to see her going through this.

 

Sure, it would be great if she lost the weight that she wanted! So she can feel sexy and in turn I think I will be even more attracted to her. At the same time, i work out often and I have good physique so it's important to me for her to be just as conscious about her appearance and be comfortable with herself.

 

I'm a guy, ofcourse I would love her to be skinny and sexy. But that's not the be all and end all of my relationship. I just want her to be happy!!

[caro33]

This is an impossible one for you methodman, she is dealing with her own stuff. I am going through the exact same thing myself right now, and my poor guy keeps hearing every day how unhappy I am, then later that day I cannot be bothered to get on my bike and take some exercise. And if he tells me to get on the bike, merely because it will make me feel better the next morning etc, I automatically think 'No! I won't do what he's telling me' and I resent him. Lord, so contrary.

 

The ideas people have suggested make sense, you can only 'win' (and by that, I mean not lose) by telling her she's beautiful, that you adore her as she is. But she'll ignore that. You could even say 'hey I like a bit of junk in the trunk, I think you look BETTER now that when I met you' and that might have a slight effect, but will also wear off. (It sounds like it might be untrue as well, so I'm not suggesting you lie, just saying even that won't work).

 

She is having her own crisis of confidence, she just needs support. Someone's probably said this, but you might make this a bigger deal, don't just try and manage the little eruptions of self-hate as they occur. Take her aside tonight (well, whatever time zone you're in) and say 'honey, I hated that we fought this morning, it is not in any sense what I wanted. I hate that you are feeling bad about yourself, but am struggling with helping you on this issue. I am asking you honestly, for you, what are you prepared to do to make yourself feel better? How can I help? I would like to see you and I commit to some things here, let's make a plan'.

 

Perhaps what you agree together is that she's fine the way she is, and so the challenge is to help her self-confidence. She has to then commit to many fewer statements of self-hate, and maybe even positive affirmations (if you're into that, it sounds new age but actually helps re-train the brain).

 

Perhaps you agree together that she can easily be happier if she puts a bit of effort in - that 10 pounds might take a couple of months, and that if that's what she wants, you guys could make a plan to help her. Mabe you can have a goal too, however, I actually don't suggest you try and lose weight with her, because guys lose it easier and she might find it demoralising for you to lose it faster than her (ahem...been there recently).

 

So I think the key might be to show her that this is bothering you, and that for her sake, you guys need to make a plan and it's gonna be easy if you stick to it....

[methodman]

Thanks Caro,

 

That is sound advice!!!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm a guy, ofcourse I would love her to be skinny and sexy. But that's not the be all and end all of my relationship. I just want her to be happy!!

But that precisely the mentality that makes her feel so self-conscious. If you really didn't care, you wouldn't say something like that. How can she really feel comfortable in her own skin if deep down thats how you really feel.

[caro33]

Thanks Caro,

 

That is sound advice!!!

 

No worries, good luck! You'll need to hang in there with her, you probably know this, but it takes something like 4 weeks or so for our bodies to learn new things and acclimatise, and our brains to retrain. So she'll have off days but if you help her see the larger picture (no pun intended ) that it's not a big deal for the occasional minor setback, and that you're not disappointed in her, it might be easier.

 

It helped me to some degree that my husband does martial arts and is surrounded by personal trainer types. Didn't help that they're all gorgeous, but what was helpful was that as each of them comes up for a match or a body showing-off competition, they have a very matter of fact approach to weight 'ah, need to cut 14 pounds'. For us weight obsessed non-fit people that sounds like a huge deal but to them it's easy, they haven't any emotional baggage. The women as well as the men. There's this nuggety little chick who's my height and just adds and loses kilos (healthily) all the time. It helped me see that you don't have to be defined by your weight or attitude toward your body in its current form.

 

Last thing, if you do go the exercise and weight loss avenue, help her find something she likes doing for her. Once I got going I didn't need my husband's support at all, the 'project' to lose those few pounds became self-fuelling as I got control over myself and started to see a difference. I think that's ultimately what she's unhappy about - it's a loss of control and a frustration about that.

[methodman]

CB,

 

I don't see any problem with wanting my girlfriend to look the best that she can. The best she knows she can. It's not like I'm on her case about it everyday...today was the first time I actually said something. If I was, that would be a serious problem.

 

I don't flat out say to her, "You need to look like all those other girls out there or else!!!"...because I don't believe that. What I do believe is that I love her just the way she is, but if she did lose the weight, it would be a win/win situation. She would not have to feel uncomfortable with herself and I would be with a girl with more self-confidence which I find very attractive!

[friscodj]

I love her and I think she is absolutely beautiful, I really, really do , no matter how she looks.

 

Hey MM-

 

I think your best course of action in a situation like this is regularly show your support and acceptance of her. Tell her that you think she is the most beautiful woman on earth, she means so much to you, and you love her no matter how she looks. Tell her whenever she starts complaining. Hold her, let her vent to you, listen to her, then look into her eyes and kiss her, ask her what you can do for her, and then do it...

 

I think if you keep doing this things will get better...

[Scout]

I don't see any problem with wanting my girlfriend to look the best that she can.

 

The best that she can look...or the skinniest? I mean, at first I was really sympathizing with your plight, but you've made some comments since that have me kind of question if you don't have an ideal that it will be hard for her to live up to. Mostly that remark you made about having girlfriends who are really skinny is what gave me pause for thought.

[methodman]

When I said girlfriends being skinny, I didn't mean girlfriends in the intimate sense of the word. Our mutual friends, being girls, most of them are skinny. For example, we met up with them for Halloween, they were all wearing these skimpy outfits, where it took my GF an hour to get ready so as she could feel comfortable.

 

It's not like I pay attention to those girls! I just know my GF feels uncomfortable in situations like that and make her feel down that she cannot dress like that. Yet when she said she felt like that, there was I, telling her she was the most beautiful girl in the room.

 

I think you're misunderstanding me. The best she can look is the best she can look for herself!!! Whether it's skinny or obese!!! I just want her to be happy, which in turn will make me happy! If she wants to look like Keira Knightley, Jessica Simpson or Rosie O'Donnell, that's entirely up to her...as long as it puts a smile on her dial!!!

[Scout]

I know the sense you meant, platonic friends.

[methodman]

Ok, so please explain to me what you meant. Are you saying that I just want my girlfriend to be skinny like the other girls?

[caro33]

Look, let's be honest, we can love our partners dearly but still prefer them visually at a certain stage. And 20 pounds, for example, can make a difference.

 

Having said that, it doesn't mean we love them any less or that we necessarily find them less appealing. I also saw the 'skinny' line from methodman and * * * * *ed up my ears (eyes?) but in my opinion the other sentiments he has stated have way outweighed any overly negative view of his motivations and/or respect for his girlfriend. So hard to ever truly express what's in one's heart to strangers in a written context.

[caro33]

How funny that that word got blanked. I wasn't alluding to some dirty act . I meant the 'skinny' statement got my attention.

[methodman]

And by the way, "skinny" girls, like my friends, are not that attractive to me!!! I like a woman with a bit of "woman" to her!!!

[Scout]

Ok, so please explain to me what you meant. Are you saying that I just want my girlfriend to be skinny like the other girls?

 

Well, you didn't say that your girlfriend felt insecure that you had skinny girl(friends), you just said it "didn't help." And I assume you feel she could stand to lose a few pounds, too, or you wouldn't be upset that she eats chocolate cake. Finally, let's not forget what you just said yourself: "I'm a guy, of course I would love her to be skinny and sexy."

[methodman]

I'm not upset that she eats the cake, I get upset that she gets upset and then eats the cake. I understand it's hard to stop what you like. I try to encourage her not to eat unhealthy, but then she will and then complains the next day that she's overweight....well, then don't eat the cake if it makes you feel like this!!!

 

Yes, yes, i know, it's hard...i know I had a helluva time trying to quit smoking even with all the encouragment!!!

 

I know I can't get upset about it. I can just be a support for her...she needs to make her own decisions, I mean, she is a big girl!!! LOL (No pun intended)

[Scout]

Well, I still stand by my original assertion that there is nothing wrong with encouraging your partner to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm not faulting you for that at all! I also sympathize with you having to listen to her constant complaints about her weight. I understand your inclination to think "Do something about it, then!"

 

The only issue I have is you're contradicting yourself a bit, and saying you just want her to be happy, you think she looks great, etc., etc., when you are admitting you think skinny is sexy. Just be honest with your feelings about it.

[methodman]

You're right Scout!

 

I guess I'm taking it from the way she looked when I first met her. Being at the weight she was comfortable and happy with. And yes, I did think she looked great. She was by no means the weight of my friends, but in my eyes she was way better!!

 

It still does not mean that right now I'm less attracted to her! Like I said, no matter how she looks, that does not bother me...I still think she is sexy, whether skinny or not!

[Scout]

It still does not mean that right now I'm less attracted to her! Like I said, no matter how she looks, that does not bother me...I still think she is sexy, whether skinny or not!

 

And I believe you!

 

Yeah, I'm pushing the scales almost at 140 right now, myself, and I'm NOT happy with it. Fact is, I know I looked better when I was fifteen pounds lighter.

 

I'll say this, your thread has made me question if my own boyfriend ever privately thinks I could stand to lose a few, lol...even though he always compliments me.

[freedom]

i have a different approach.

The next time she bring her wieght up, tell her that you have noticed her gaining weight and offer her to be her coach and then strategies with her.

If she hooks on, explain to her the goal and the time period that you will be a coach. (do not do it for more then 4 months coz it will become a boring routine and she will depend on you too much.) you aim is to set out a workout shedule and food list. THe most importnat thing is to STOP ALL fizzy drinks. She can have water and cordial to take the blendness out of it, monitor how much cordial is mixed and slowly reduce to 'colored water'.

 

Basically, the idea is (if she bites) to give you some power to stop her from eating crap and force her to workout. It is about you giving her the extra shove to reach her goal.

 

What i dont undestand is this. How does any1 eat a whole tub of ice cream by themselves. It is sick! I was brought up with one scoop and that is enough, two scoops when you do something that is totally amazing like run a marathon(which i have yet to do).

 

I think she will appreaciate that.

 

Remember, she can eat anything but it is just how much of it she eats, but NO pop.

[caro33]

Sorry freedom but this sounds like a recipe for a relationship end! The gist of what you're saying sounds okay but the delivery is a bit of a problem.

 

The two key problems as I see it are:

 

- you don't tell your already insecure girlfriend she's put on weight, not if you value your life; and

- you don't take on a 'coach' role unless asked, it comes accross as patronising and it still means she herself has not been empowered or taken responsibility.

 

No everyone drinks sugary fizzy drinks either.

[methodman]

I agree, I don't think this is the right approach either. It's that kind of thinking that got me into trouble today.