literally sick of it all

[alwaysalone]

[edit] I apologize, this turned out to be longer than I anticipated

 

 

I'm sitting here right now actually sick to my stomach.

 

I love my bf so incredibly much, and for a while I thought that things were wonderful between us.

 

A few months ago he told me he had plans one Sunday afternoon - I figured no big deal, I trusted him. Later I found out that he actually went to a movie with his ex and her daughter. That was probably the beginning of my horror story. I started to doubt him. The withholding of truth really got to me.

 

I am ashamed to admit that I did some snooping around his computer and found some chat logs - yes I read them. I wish I hadn't in some ways. Apparently he had been talking to and seeing his ex much more frequently than I thought, but from a lot of the logs it did seem like he was trying to find a way to not see her anymore.

 

Recently I've been wondering if he's cheating on me. Not with the ex since she moved out of town, but with someone else. He spends a lot of time on the computer chatting and I've seen him suddenly log out when I come near the room. He also doesn't know that I can see the reflection of the chat windows in the door, and know that he's been chatting.

 

I recently found a letter on his computer written to his ex. Telling her that he was still in love with her but that he figure that would end. He told her that he had a girlfriend, a mistress, and a girl who was trying to convince him to dump his girlfriend. I can almost figure who that last one is, and I know taht I'm the first since I'm the one going to the family events and spending time with his parents and friends... but I'm not sure what to make of the mistress part. I don't know if it was a ploy to make the ex jealous, or if he was being truthful with her and not me.

 

I nearly melted down the other day when I walked into his room and couldn't find my sleepwear. I had left it in one spot and I saw that it was in a corner covered with a blanket. This had happened a few times wit my clothes and I noticed that the jewelry and hair clips that were in the bathroom were missing too. I asked him where my stuff was. He said that he moved it so that it wasn't going to get lost or wrecked. And he had some excuse about the clothes being accidentally covered up. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's a case of me thinking he was trying to cover up that he had a woman around there frequently.

 

The topper on the cake is that I was doing his laundry a couple of weeks ago and was going to throw out a grocery bag that was on the floor - I pulled the receipt out of it in case he needed it. Naturally I looked to see if it was just confectionary or more. There was a box of condoms purchased. We don't use them, so why would he need them?? I put the bag and receipt back on the floor and a couple of days later he picked it up, looked at the receipt and put it back in the bag and threw the whole thing out. I retrieved it later to keep in case I ever get the nerve to confront him. BTW, I did find the box of condoms - unopened. To this day (a month later) they are still unopened in the same place. I check regularly. I can't figure out if this was him thinking about cheating and wanting to be prepared, or if he needed them but backed out, or if he just hasn't had the opportunity to use them yet. *sigh*

 

I have cried myself to sleep at night many times over this agony. Tonite is going to be a really bad night for me.

 

He was workign late and when I talked with him earlier today, he said he was feeling down. I asked what we could do to cheer him up - he said he was workign on it. Then earlier than usual he said he had to go get ready for work. Since I hadn't heard from him about an hour after he was done work (which is really unusual) I called his cell phone and there was no answer (again, unusual). I honestly wanted to call and make sure that he was doing ok after having a bad day and having to work, but now I'm concerned.

 

So now, I'm sitting here, sick to my stomach, thinking that maybe the reason why he's not answering his phone is that he's with someone else. I'm so tired of being tired and being sad about all of this. I love him so much, and being with him is supposed to make me happy, but i'm so sad so often. I don't understand how he could possibly do this to me. I can't figure out what I did to deserve it.

 

Knowing his history and how his ex cheated on him and then dumped him, I would have thought that he would have been more aware of the results of cheating. I've been putting on a good act with him, hoping that if he is cheating, he will stop. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to live with this either. I'm such a mess that I can't bare to look at myself some days.

 

Any suggestions? I know taht people are going to tell me to just leave him, but I'm not sure that I can at this point. He's my first real relationship ever. I've dated others in the past, but nothing serious, this one is different, and I've never felt this way about anyone before. I don't know if I can leave it. Help.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you should leave him. he is cheating on you, you have the evidence. it is often said that when you suspect someone of cheating on you, they have already been doing it for at least a month.

 

get tested for STDs while you are at it. don't sleep with him anymore. clearly he is sleeping with other women.

 

you deserve better. be smart. walk away.

[alwaysalone]

thanks annie, but I'm not really sure that I do deserve better.

 

and besides that, I really don't know if i can walk away. I love this man so much that the thought of walking away from it makes me cry. The thought of not having him in my life makes me miserable. I spent almost 30 years looking for the right guy and I was sure that I had found it in him. We've discussed marriage and having children, and I know that I have serious trust issues that need to be worked out.

 

I've been dropping hints about how upset I would be if he ever cheated, and the big joke is that he has something going on with one of his male coworkers (not the case, i know this for a fact, it's just a joke) and I make a point of saying everytime, I'm not threatened by Bob because he's not his type, but if Bob were a woman, that would be a different story. He laughs, but I assume that he doesn't take me seriously.

 

At this point, i'm really not sure what to do. I don't know if I can actually do it alone anymore, and frankly, I love him so much that I'm not sure that I can prevent a nervouse breakdown if I leave.

 

Tonite, all i wanted was to have his arms around me... instead I sat crying for three hours while I wrote a really long letter ot him that he will probably never see.

 

I want to confront him about so many things, even just the little things that bother me about our relationship, and not the cheating, but i'm afraid to. It's difficult to explain.

 

Thanks for listening.

[now_better]

i think you need to confront him with everything. there's really no point in dragging this on and killing yourself slowly. find your inner courage which you have and let it all come out.

 

and besides that, I really don't know if i can walk away. I love this man so much that the thought of walking away from it makes me cry. The thought of not having him in my life makes me miserable. I spent almost 30 years looking for the right guy and I was sure that I had found it in him.

 

i know it sounds hard to start over, but a relationship takes two people and if you're the one in it, you're really selling yourself short. there's this line from this song "collide" by howie day that is really befitting here: Even the best fall down sometimes. you take the fall, you brush yourself off, you learn, you live and you make better decisions with better people down the road.

 

i've been thinking about this recently and life really isn't about settling. my parents had a horrible marriage: violence, yelling, mostly devoid of love... i think about this and i wonder why do people put themselves in these situations of hopelessness. it certainly isn't healthy for the children. it's not healthy for them. but society tells us that we have to be with someone else or we're a loser. are we really? i'm working on this, but being at peace with yourself and who you are is incredibly powerful. there is no question that it's great to be in a loving relationship, but you don't have to sacrifice everything for something that's not even close to one. don't let that person or the relationship determine your self-worth. this is difficult to swallow and i have to remind myself of this, but if you are a good person, then let that determine your worth.

 

edit: when my relationship was dying, i tried to resuscitate it even when the best thing was to walk away. i wrote this... "she's my life"... "she validates my existence for living"... i told this to my friends. they thought i was insane. they said " * * * is wrong with you? dude, you're a good guy, she's the one giving up on a good thing. she's the one that did you wrong." and when everybody gives you the same good advice and you're ramming your head over and over into a brick... it's hard, but sometimes it's best to walk away before you get to the point where you're the only one still living in the past.

[Momene]

Well as someone who has been cheated on, I didn't feel so bad about doing it myself, so many cheatees become cheaters and, for a while, I treated girls as badly as my ex-wife treated me. Stupid, I know, bit it sometimes happens that way.

 

As for the other bit, yes, you can go it alone. I can tell you this honestly because most of us have had to at some time in the past and no partner is irreplaceable. I bet in 1/2 years time you'll wonder why you didn;t dump him earlier.

 

Good luck.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Couldn't agree more.

[Meow18]

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

Only you can choose what you will do. And when in a situation where you are getting hurt, only you can look out for yourself.

 

You know this guy is bad news. He's lied, cheated, and who knows what else. And I know you love him, but you can't live with this, and you shouldn't have to.

 

Love is not everything in a relationship. If you can't communicate, if there's no trust, and if there are lies, you already have nothing special.

[coollady1957]

Hello to you alwaysalone . I am sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. I understand how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship and from someone you have developed strong feelings for.

 

If you feel you need to confront him be sure you have your thoughts together and what ever proof you feel you have.

 

I have been in a quite similar situation to yours less than a year ago. My now ex cheated on me with women, he had cyber sex online and sex chats with women. He lied to me , tried to cover it all up.

 

I too found accidently, when he left his yahoo messenger logged on one day after leaving my house, many messages, emails and chats on his ID.

 

I confronted him and he continued to deny it, even when it was right there in print on the computer.

 

I took him back after the first cheating episode, but behind my back he had continued his nasty activity.

 

I just feel that when people have lied, decieved and cheated in a relationship , that is is then time to move on. As difficult as it is and as much as you feel like you will fall apart, most of us are able to recover and heal and go on with life.

 

I am sure there are men out there that deserve you much more than this guy does. You yourself DO deserve a better man.

 

If he has been sleeping around and cheating, I agree with the poster that suggests you do not have sex with him anymore and also get tested for STD's/STI's because you never know what he could have brought home to you.

 

I understand you have deep feelings for this guy and you feel that you cant be with out him in your life. If he loved you and cared for you as deeply, then he would not be doing such things as lying and cheating on you.

 

I truly feel for you as I have been through the same type thing. I got the courage to part with my now EX and move on with my life. The many great people here on ENA have given me much support with this as well as my family.

[Momene]

Believe me you can be without someone if you need to be and you can replace them if you really want to.

[sonjam]

Hi there!

 

I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this! I've also been cheated on, by my first love, I met him when I was only 17, he was my first sex partner, and later my husband. We were together for 7 years and married for 3. I caught him cheating on me 3 x before I worked up the nerve to leave, you see appart from the cheating everything was "perfect" for me. Only after I left, I found out about all the other girls he cheated with, including an affair with my best friend. They had an affair from the time we were married for 1.5 years, until the divorce. I

 

Was devasted because this was not planned, now I had to start over and my "forever after" was crushed. But you know what, YOU DO DESERVE BETTER. Just because he was your FIRST real relationship doesn't mean he's the best and will be the last.

 

Let me tell you this: I'm glad you found out now, before things got to the stage where you are ready to marry him, and you guys have kids together. Now you still have a great opportunity to get your life on track and find somebody who will REALLY REALLY love you, and only you. We all deserve to be the one and only of somebody special. If not, you will be sitting at home in a few years time, feeling sorry for yourself, feeling sorry for the children, and he will be out "working late" - galavanting with who knows what kind of girls in the night.

 

In the end it boils down to respect. If he respected you he would be decent enough to let you go if he wanted to see others, but no, he just tags you along while he's having his cake, and eating it too!

 

Girl, you deserve a fair chance in life, and a loving partner. Go out and find him.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I too am sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine what it's doing to your frame of mind constantly living in doubt.

 

Girl, I was cheated on too. I didn't want to leave him either, because I loved him so much. and you know what? I didn't. But he kept at it, (in addition to being abusive and other lovely things) and by staying with him I showed him that it was OK to treat me that way, when it really wasn't.

 

You say you love him, but, does he love you? Does someone who loves and respects you do this sort of thing?

 

Just some things to think about.

 

((HUGS))

 

PS- I left my cheating ex 8 years ago and have been with a wonderful man for 4 years now. When you close that door you also open another.

[Relationship Coach]

What would you advise a fellow ENA member if she were in your shoes?

 

You deserve to treated better and somewhere in your clouded judgement you know that. I know it's hard to let go of someone that you love, I did it 6 years ago and it was the most painful experience in my life but you know what it paid off. Having the love of your life at your side one minute and then having to wonder the next minute who they are with is horrific torture. I guess if you are willing to share your man with someone else that is your business but sooner or later he will more than likely leave you. Harsh words but I think you came here for a good reason, you need help.

 

If you call him on the carpet, is this going to change his behavior, probably not. If you say nothing will this all continue, probably. Will there ever be a day in this relationship where you feel you can trust him and put the past behind you, not without both of you working on a solution together. It just sounds like you are afraid to confront him for fear of hearing the truth. What is more important here, you or the relationship? He obviously has put himself and his desires way above you and the relationship. I find it hard to believe that you feel you are deserving of all of this pain and misery. Love is a wonderful thing, you need to experience it someday with someone who understands it's meaning.

 

RC

[freedom]

you are not getting the information from the source. What you are getting is data. To get true information talk to him directly. It would remove the anxiety.

[Momene]

you are not getting the information from the source. What you are getting is data. To get true information talk to him directly. It would remove the anxiety.

 

 

... only if he's actually open and truthful. If he's wriggling, the anxiety level will go up.