20 y/o Virgin/Relationship Advice...please Help!!!

[97jeepkid]

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years now, so far we have had a great relationship. Were both virgins, we did not even entertain the idea of sex until recently. She never said anything about our abstinence, and for the majority of the time I left well enough alone and never talked about the way I felt. We are both 20 now, and after two years I am somewhat frustrated that it has not happened yet.

 

Within the past month we have been discussing sex more and experimenting when we can. So far I have performed oral on her about six times. I have done a lot of research on technique and do my best to fulfill all her needs in order to totally get her off. I always go slow, never pressure her and try to be responsive to her body language. She seems to enjoy what I do while its happening, but she does not communicate to me what's good, what's bad, or what she likes. When I ask all I get are short responses like "yes, its okay" or "sure, I like it". I ask her what works when she masturbates, in her response she gets very uncomfortable and says that shes never done it to herself and does not want to, or that she thinks is gross to touch herself. I never stress the issues thereforeeee our conversations are brief, I have asked if she would consider performing on me but once again she gets uncomfortable and indicates that will not happen. She has said she will not have sex until she is on birth control, which I am completely supportive of. However, she simply will not go visit a gynecologist, she has never been and she is 20.

 

I try, I am compassionate and understanding of her situation and when we do talk about sex I listen to her carefully and attempt to interpret her weak answers but I still feel that were getting no where. I just end up feeling like she has no interest in this stuff and shes letting me go down on her to make myself happy. My main questions are why wont she communicate with me about her sexual likes and dislikes? The fact that she is 20 and never had the desire to masturbate let alone had sexual fantasies; does this indicate a possible sexual disorder? Is it common for a young woman to have such low sexual desire? Could it simply be a lack of physical attraction from her angle? I have entertained the idea of getting her a toy and possibly a book on the subject of female masturbation, do you guys think she would be receptive to this or would she freak out? I really enjoy her, I want to be with her and I am willing to wait as long as it takes for her to start becoming more sexual, but her behavior makes me feel like Im being selfish.

 

Please, any general advice would be greatly appreciated.

[laboheme]

I wish I could answer your question about whether a low sexual desire is commong or not...but unfortunately have a similar question myself! Although that tells you she's not the only one with a low libido...and I feel like she's having a hard time communicating with you about her sexual likes and dislikes because she hasn't formed them yet.

 

As far as your idea of getting her a toy and a book...I do think that it would make her uncomfortable and cast you in a bad light, like you're really trying to pressure her. Maybe a better idea would be to read an article/book together about couples and relationships in general -- those oftentimes will include information about sexual intimacy, but in a less direct manner (sex as an expression of love, not simply base human lust).

 

How is your relationship otherwise? Are you generally sensitive to each other's needs? Do you do more "innocent' sexual things on a regular basis?

[Clementine orange]

She sounds kinda shy and repressed. Maybe she was abused before.

I'd say give her time but 2 years? When I was 20 I don't think I could hold out that long. I'd think twice before marrying this one dude. Sorry to be harsh but is good sex important to you?

Is she religious?

[melrich]

What has her upbringing been like? It sounds like she sees sex and all things associated as being "dirty". She seems as though she may be ashamed of her desires. Does that ring true?

[Augusteen]

Let me first say that you are NOT selfish. You sound incredibly patient and understanding and that's something a lot of people look for in a partner.

 

That being said, I can identify with your girlfriend a bit. When my ex and I first started getting busy, I didn't know what I liked. So often, I couldn't tell him what I wanted and what felt 'good'. But we experimented a lot and had a blast overall. He was understanding and very patient with me and that's something I'll always be grateful for. But the thing is, I get the impression your girlfriend isn't into that.

 

'Weak responses' to your nice, tactful questions? Well, no wonder you can't 'interprete' her. She's not telling you anything with words. But her body language (for lack of a better word) should be clueing you in on something here. She's not ready.

 

Whenever someone can't have a conversation about sex with you, that's not someone you should be sleeping with (IMO). When someone gets uncomfortable by simply talking about touching themselves, you should be thinking twice about doing the deed. Maybe I'm off my rocker on this one, but I feel someone needs to have a certain measure of comfort with their own body/needs before they can become your sexual partner. And if you can't even have a conversation about sex...then you're not there yet.

 

So I repeat, I don't think she's ready. Now, it could be as simple as that or maybe Clementine orange is right and she was abused at some point. I wouldn't bet any money on it but maybe that's it. Maybe at some point in her life, someone got too pushy and she's a bit skittish about the subject. But definitely, I don't think it's something you're doing wrong. I think it's an internal issue she's having that she's not telling you about. First and foremost, she needs to be honest with herself so that she can be honesr with you.

 

All in all, I still think it's an issue of being ready for it. Get a good dialogue going and make sure she answers in full sentences (not just 'sures' and 'I guess sos'). And as for the toy and book idea...don't, please don't. You're not even having sex yet (well, technically) and like Laboheme said, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone.

 

If I received something like that from my boyfriend BEFORE we were comfortable with the whole sex thing...I'd be completely isulted. And mortified. It'd be like getting a list of rules to follow on D-Day. Too. Much. Pressure.

 

And last but not least, you're NOT selfish for wanting sex. You're been nothing but patient and oustanding in that area. Sex is normal and something that *gasp* almost all hot blooded men want. Not to mention women

 

Don't let her make you feel selfish if you're being understanding.

[quietgrl]

Does your GF has a trusted woman friend she can talk too about sex?

[97jeepkid]

Thank you all for the great responses, and please keep them coming!!! I'll try to answer all the questions from your posts so far.

 

On a mental level we connect, we have a similar overall life philosophy and tend to agree on all social and political issues, plus we have many similar interests and we simply get each other (well, except on this issue).

 

Typically, we can't keep our hands off each other and yes we do exercise more "innocent" sexual behavior.

 

I know for absolute fact that she was not abused and I am her first in all aspects of being in a relationship.

 

I don't think she sees sex and all things associated as being dirty but she does have poor self-esteem. She often critiques her body and her personality. However I am always there to tell her how I feel and how grateful I am for her being in my life. I think she's absolutely beautiful and I am in love with her mind and body. She did say to me one "I can't believe you like going to there" referring to me eating her out. I know she likes when I do it for her, I can tell by her body language. But when we talk about it she becomes very detached from the conversation and that's when I get the monosyllabic responses.

 

She has several friends whom she confides in. As far as I know my girlfriend will not tell them anything about us. When we first started dating I did ask one of her best friends what her stance was regarding sex (I know it may have been inappropriate but I was naturally curious.) Her friend told me that my girlfriend never talked about it and was always a little uncomfortable if confronted with the subject.

[Augusteen]

I think this further reinforces my thoughts about her not being ready. I think it's as simple as that. There's no written rule that says when you turn 20 you have to press your 'ready-for-sex' button and start reving your engine (lol). Being ready is a gradual process. And yes, I think she does have a few hang ups about sex in relation to her body.

 

I almost want to give you a medal for noticing your girlfriends self esteem issues as being one of the reasons she's not comfortable. As I've said before, you need a certain measure of comfort with your own body to be able to have sex. She's clearly not really there. What can you do? Well, most you can do is just continue what you're doing and tell her you think she's just fine. Keep giving her those reassurances because they may convince her that she's not seeing herself as others do.

 

Sometimes you need to get over yourself in order to see yourself. If that makes any sense.

 

I still think getting a dialogue going is the best thing, but maybe she's more of the show don't tell variaty? I don't want to seem rude when I say this, but maybe you should be reading some books to see what she might like. And maybe tell her what you might like. I think it's the unknown factor that might give her reasons to worry. Once you get started on talking about masturbation as being okay, maybe she'll loosen up a bit and try it...when you're not around that is

 

But keep in mind that, if it's taken you this long to get to this point it may take just as long to get to the actual sex part of your relationship. Be patient.

[constantine]

I totally agree with Augusteen.

 

Your girlfriend is probably just shy, nervous, self-conscious, etc., especially if this is her first relationship. It might seem weird that she's 20 and not ready to have sex... but you have to consider that many people go through this stage at different times, and, often, much earlier on. Many people get out of their comfort zone in their teenage years and experiment sexually so they're all ready to "start reving the engine." I don't think there's anything wrong w/ your girlfriend not being comfortable... she's just going through this later than some people.

 

I think you're doing a good job of being comforting, encouraging, and patient.

[hateithere]

Is she religious or something? I would say lay off the oral sex until she asks for it. I think the not masterbating thing might just be because she has never had sex before. Good luck!

[QueenoftheMotN]

I know I'm bringing up an old thread, but I absolutely agree with Augusteen that you deserve a medal. You sound like an insightful and articulate guy, and she's absolutely lucky to have you. Both my current bf and I are virgins. We've been together almost two years. He wasn't my first relationship, but my first kiss and my first oral. I'll admit that in the years before I met him I was very closed up about my sexuality. I don't think it was so much that I came from a conservative background, but as a young child, my aunt's family (whom I was very close to) was almost broken up by pornography in the marriage and so at a young age I associated sex with bad relationships and things. As I grew older and learned more about myself-- and more about what a healthy and loving relationship entailed-- I realize that acknowledging my sexuality wouldn't necessarily jeapordize (sp?) the relationship but add to it. I decided though that I wanted to save that part of me for my future husband, because I wanted to give that to him.

 

From the time I started to accept my sexuality and deal with my self-esteem issues to now (where I'm completely comfortable with discussing sex and I feel beautiful to my boyfriend and myself) has been 4 years or so.

 

So if she's 20... and she's just been opening her mind up to the idea of her sexuality for a few months or so? I wouldn't be surprised at all that she's uncomfortable nor that she'd say that she thinks touching herself is dirty. It'd be like someone else at a younger age (say 11 or 12) discovering their sexuality and saying the same thing.

 

Don't give up hope or anything though. You sound very patient, and you're definitely to be commended for that. Now I won't say that you should expect to wait 4 years to make love to her, if that's what you really want. I would agree though that you should stop the oral til she asked you for it. In fact, let her ask a couple times to make sure it's what she wants. Let her set the pace for a while.. until you both seem to be on the same page. When you make love to her, you'll both enjoy it the most when you've both been wanting it for a while.

 

I'd like to mention though that you both have a great gift to give-- yourselves. I know you've been together two years, so it doesn't seem like a hasty decision, but you can only give that gift once. Obviously it's a personal decision, but don't give yourself like that if it's only because you think you're too old to be a virgin or because you want to keep someone else happy. I live quite aways from my bf (about 11,000 miles) and we only saw each other for a few weeks about a month ago. We spent so much time together, and I'm completely sure that he's the one I want to be with forever, but I'm happy to wait because it's the first gift I want to give him as his wife.

 

(Forgive me if I'm old-fashioned.

 

Anyways, I hope my perspective can give you some reassurance and hope for you two. Good luck!

 

Queenie!