affair with a married woman

[candy_the_confused]

4 years ago i met a girl at work and we were attracted to each other from the first sight, she's very beautiful and everyone is crazy about her, she had a b.f at the time who got annoyed from our friendship because she couldn't stop talking about me as she once told me, we never did anything or expressed our attraction for each other, all we did is hug and keep looking in each other's eyes forever when she came over to visit me.. then she started acting weird and told me that she chooses her b.f over me and a couple of times she would cancel coming over to visit me because he doesn't want her to do so, we fought and stopped talking and grew distant for a year.. she got married and i was training in her department after this year, i literally forgot about her and went on with my life having girlfriends and even boyfriends.. i congradulated her on her marriage when i saw her.. to my surprise she kept giving me those looks, i didn't give it much thought until i finished my training and left the department she's in, she saw me at work and hugged me out of the blue and said don't you think there are people that would miss u when u r gone and you didn't even bother to say bye! okkkkkk! then she told me that she missed our friendship and so on and that she would like us to be friends again etc.. i said ok and we decided to meet in my car for privacy so we could talk without the interruption of our friends or colleagues, in the car we talked about the past and i told her that i was hurt from her, she said that she would never ever want to be the cause of my pain again, i leaned to kiss her on her cheak for being sweet and she turned her face and we ended up french kissing for a long time.. mind you she was only married for 3 months at the time to her b.f.. i had a major ego boost and the next day i told her since she was married that it's ok if she didn't want to do this again, she shut me up with a kiss, and things got steamed up and we both drowned in the heat of passion for about two months.. i noticed things that she would do during our love making, like she would kiss me all over my face and kept looking deep into my eyes and caress my hair, i talked about it with my friend who told me that this woman might be in love with me, i had relations before her but they weren't as passionate as this one, anyway, one day she started avoiding me, and i figured because she probably wants to end things, i didn't pressure her and stayed distant, one day i needed her support with a problem i had and she was mean to me and said she had no time for me, i was devestated and sent her a mesg that she didn't even know what friendship is and stopped talking to her.. this went on for about 4 months and out of the blue she pulled my hair playfully one day and said hi with a smile, i returned her smile, forgot to mention that when i used to see her during the time we weren't talking i noticed how sad she was but never thought for a second i was the cause of that, anyway we talked and she told me that she thought what we did was wrong and unfair for her husband, i agreed on that and things were left here, one day i saw her and she looked sad, i went up to her and asked her why she was avoiding me if we cleared things up and she said because she can't stop thinking about me or something like that, i told her i don't regret kissing her but if this is what she thinks is right then we can be friends, she told me that she can't imagine being with me in the same place and not touch me.. and she apologized for being mean to me when i once needed her and said that was her way of ending things! i got emotional and told her it was ok then she asked me if i thought about her, ofcoarse i said yes and she told me she thought a lot about me too then we ended up upon her request making love.. we decided that this should end one day but in the meanwhile let it be, we were very happy together had so much to dream about, ofcoarse we fought a lot due to jealousy issues as well but our fights didn't last more than hours.. we fell in love.. and i wrote her letters and poems and made all her fantasies come true like she did for me as well.. this went on for a couple of months then her guilt striked again, and i was wondering where this was heading to, i mean we both come from conservative backgrounds and we love our families too much to hurt them even if it was on our expence, she is married and i was feeling guilty for her husband as well.. we stopped the relation and ended up very depressed, she developed alcer and migrane and i remember not being able to get a grip on my life or nerves.. we fought a lot during this time of trying to be friends, she even started to be so mean to me and told me literally that i mean nothing to her.. i had a new g.f who i couldn't love at all because my heart was somewhere else and she knew about her, and one day she asked me if i love the other woman like i loved her, and if i wrote to her and bought her gifts and made love to her like i did to her, i said no and again the heat of passion and our love blossomed again, for a couple of months then she feels guilty and this pattern has been going on for 2 years now, we broke up around a month ago it was the most painful of all and she even changed her working hours so that she won't see me except once a week or two.. i am so in love with her and unable to be incontrol of my life again, i even told her that maybe it isn't that impossible to be together she disagreed and told me that she doesn't want to loose her husband or family because she loves him! i don't understand how can she love him and cheat on him like that.. anyway today we hugged and so on, but i don't want to start this all over again.. i'm in love with her, and i feel she is still in love with me too although she denies it.. i want this to be over, i'm just unable to take the decision becuse i/she took it around 6 times now and failed to stick to it.. i hate myself for being so weak infront of her, i've never been like that with anyone and i'm beginning to loose confidence in myself.. i'm so addicted to her so unbeleivable.. sorry for the long post, there is a lot more details but i just wanted to give you an idea of the situation.. advice me.. can someone tell me wht this is all about? thanks

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I’ve been on both sides of the cheating fence and this is what I know. An affair is a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage. Her husband isn’t giving her everything she needs, and so she gets what she is missing from you. Her guilt and what she is lacking in her marriage will keep her bobbing in and out of your life as long as you allow it. If you’re comfortable being the life support device for her marriage to last then what are you complaining about? But if you’re looking for a full on love thing with her, I don’t think that’s going to happen. You probably satisfy some of her needs but probably not all of them. Also her husband will probably find out eventually. Lots of people get caught cheating and it’s not a good experience for anyone.

 

She will get upset when you move on just like anyone in a relationship would. You’re saying to her that you have interests outside of what you two shared, and that would be a scary thing for her to digest. Maybe you should take some time to be a lone and think about what you really want in a relationship. Then make yourself available. I don’t think that you’re going to get what you want as long as you’re attached to this lady.

[HellFrost666]

It is probably a good thing that she changed her work hours. I say this because you need to just end this for good, find someone else, and stop putting yourself through all of this. It is not good for you mentally having your heart broken over and over and over again. She won't leave her mariage, so you to can never have a real relationship. Take some time to get yourself together, grieve for her, and then move on.

 

Also, you would probably get more replies if you break your post up into paragraphs, it's easier to read that way.

[candy_the_confused]

thank you so much for replying.. i will try to break my posts into paragraphs this time

 

i agree that i satisfy some of her needs but not all, i probably satisfy the need for romance, passion, intensity of feelings and most of all enternaining her with the ups and downs, back and forth of the relationship..

where as her husband satisfies her image infront of others, and gives her security and stability..

 

i think that she is a very repressed lady who discovered her real sexuality through me, but prefers to continue living in denial in order not to face any problems..

 

seems like she's someone who wants her cake and eat it too.. i am to blame here as well because i allowed all of this to happen.. like you said i acted like her marriage support..

 

i don't think she knows what she really wants, she's always anxious, and in a bad mood especially during our break ups.. she misses me, wants me back, and then feels guilty, and she never thought about changing the situation..

 

yes i definitely agree with this reflecting bigger problems in her marriage..

 

i am looking for a person who's giving,and in peace with herself, and this is the exact opposite of this woman..

 

i think we both were looking for different people but met each other on the way and were blinded by the attraction we had for each other, and i guess each time the honey moon is over, we discover how much we are different..

she will always be special, she touched my heart and life in a way no one ever did, and i guess i did touch her heart too..

 

it's unhealthy to keep breaking my heart like that as you say, and i will take it one day at a time to get over her and i know it will pass..

i just hope to stick to my decision this time

[Tigris]

Would it help if you got a job in a different company?

[candy_the_confused]

hello again, i don't know if i should change the company i'm working in just for her sake, i love what i am doing and i love my friends and colleagues..

 

seeing her brings back lots of emotions but they are not as bad as before and i don't hurt as much..

 

i don't want to run away from my problems like she does.. i have to face them, and looking at the positive side when this is over i will be a stronger person..

 

no way i'm giving up so many things that i enjoy and love for the sake of not seeing her..

 

wether she's in my face or not, she is in my heart.. but i guess at the end of the day you can't control what you feel but you can control your actions.. and my problem is in controlling my actions..

 

each day that passes i feel stronger and in more control of myself and life, and if i run away now i won't trust myself in any upcoming problem that i may face in life..

[Cadence308]

Your first entry would be easier to read and you would get more replies if it were broken up into paragraphs. I kept losing my place as I was scrolling down.

 

I have noticed that many lesbian relationships are as you describe, ups and downs, break-ups, and make-ups. Your friend seems very confused about her sexuality, but until she decides to get some help or deal with it she will continually be in and out of your life because you allow her to be, as another poster said. You are giving her what she is not getting in her marriage. If she is choosing to stay married then she is cheating on her husband and that is not fair to him, either.

 

End things with her, grieve for her, and move on. You also deserve better...you deserve someone who wants to be with you, who is not ashamed to be with you, and someone who is not in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

Keep us posted!

[candy_the_confused]

yes i believe that most lesbian relationships go through the "drama", maybe because of too much emotions, and in my case my x was actually going through all the confusion in addition to guilt and shame of cheating on her husband plus the love she had for me and all the fantasies of being and living with me..

 

as from my side i was only focusing on her love for me and i made the mistake of beleiving that she was mine when she wasn't.. but thank God i'm back to my senses again after i was blinded for quite a while..

 

i'm going to see her at work today and i'm kind of worried, because i feel she intends to get on my nerves sometimes, maybe to get attention or something, and she knows me inside out so it is easy for her to know what can aggrivate me..

 

it sounds kind of immature i know but don't people that once were in love do that sometimes?

 

she's very confused and lost and yes what she did with me is considered cheating on her husband and it is very unfair..

 

i deserve better than that, and it's better if we both have our separate lives because she will definitely loose her mind if we continue like this, and i will end up depressed and her husband will eventually find out.. and ofcoarse i would never want any of this to happen..

 

thank you for all your replies it helped me a lot and sorry for not breaking the first post into paragraphs

[Tigris]

I hope everything goes smoothly at work.

[loveualot]

yeah dont worry things will be fine if u stick up for yourself...and her too when she needs it.. dont worry

[candy_the_confused]

to my surprise she was more than nice to me, we talked briefly as she was busy all day and had to go do some work outside, when she came back, i was happy to see her and told her hey i missed you, she was quiet for a while than said: thank you! so we smiled at each other and she said i missed you too but obviously she didn't mean only this day, and i said thank you for being honest..

 

when we said bye as the day was over she "confirmed" that she'll see me tomorrow as well at work, and i could see hearts jumping out of her eyes lol

 

to tell you the truth i was happy because she still has feelings for me, but i don't want to repeat all of the "drama" again.. it is too exhausting..

 

i don't know how she's going to be acting tomorrow, but if she tries to go back to me again i won't accept unless she does something about it because we cannot go on like that.. i doubt that she would try to make a move though especially after all the pain of our last seperation..

 

thank you all for your replies and i hope i'm doing well in breaking my posts into paragraphs

[Tigris]

Your paragraphs are brilliant.

 

If she wants to get back into a relationship with you you're going to have to tell her to choose one way or the other.

 

Good luck and take care.

[candy_the_confused]

seems like she chose her way this time, although she admitted missing me and so on yesterday, today we took a walk together and she told me what's the use of staying stuck in love if we can never be together, what's the use of expressing our feelings and so on.. why hurt our hearts and go through all the pain..

 

i agreed with all that she said except that i couldn't help but tell her how i feel.. what i feel is so different from what i think.. i reminded her of us walking in the same exact place before anything happened between us when we only held hands years back, and her answer was ofcoarse i remember..

 

and today i proved to be miss immaturity of this month when my head was aching and i asked her if she had pain killer while she was on a break eating with a person i didn't like, she told me to go get it from her hand bag upstairs.. on the way up i called her to tell her to come hand it to me because i don't feel comfortable opening her bag infront of people, i don't know how she tolerated all that and said that she will when she finishes eating, so i said no i have so much work and i'm going inside(work) now, so she said i will hand it to you wherever you are when i come upstairs.. anyway 15 minutes later she came where i was with water and painkiller in her hands.. my God can't believe how immature i was.. i really hope that this will be the last time i do something as stupid as that! my god i'm so embaressed to even think about it now..

 

and when she saw me with a guy that likes me i felt she was a bit jealous, not sure about that, but i felt it.. anyway, i wrote her quotes about love and heart break and she took them, and i asked her if she still kept something i once gave her in her wallet and she said yes..

 

i see love in her eyes, but i guess there's nothing to be done here.. today inspite of all my firm decisions i felt so vunerable, i just miss her so much it hurts.. and I LOVE HER..

 

i don't want to go back to her, but i sure wish that the circumnstances were better than that and that we had a chance.. but i guess that's the way things are in the meanwhile..

 

the sad part is that we know we are soulmates, we feel each other's emotions without talking and without even being in the same place..

 

today i was a disaster i admit that, can't believe that i even asked her to change her working hours so we can still see each other as much as before, but she said that she won't because it's better for her not to see me and better for me as well..

 

anyway i guess we all are humans at the end of the day and we go through weeknesses and vunerabilities.. or maybe it's just what love is all about..

 

i used to feel it in my heart that she will be back every time we left each other, and my feeling was never wrong inspite of all what she did or said about being over me and so on.. my heart tells me that one day we may end up together, is this that impossible to happen or am i just dillusional?

 

i hope you would excuse me if i sound nuts today, but my emotions are all over the place and i need to vent..

[Cadence308]

I am not sure it's smart for both of you to even be working at the same place since you are breaking up and still obviously have feelings for each other. I can see that this is killing you. I don't know what advice to give you except suggest professional counseling...someone who can help you sort things out and suggest a plan for getting over this woman.

 

I think you two could be together if she weren't married. She sounds like the type of person who wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She loves you, but not enough to leave her husband and abandon the safety and privilege of leading a heterosexual lifestyle.

[candy_the_confused]

hello again, thank you for all the replies..

 

i would like to admit that it's not only her who wants her cake and eat it too, i think this applies on me as well because i don't think that i can confront my family and tell them i want to spend the rest of my life with her.. and when i told her that maybe we have a chance of being together i meant to give the image of living as "room mates or friends" to people.. that was the only possible plan of comprimising i could think of.. however obviously it can never be a solid thing to give up a life and build another on.. so i don't blame her for choosing what she has because i will probably do the same if i was in her place..

 

it was our second "anniversary" the other day and we sent each other nice messages and she sent me a message saying that i'm the sweetest person she had ever met in her life and she hopes that all the happiness in the world will gather and make my heart it's home

 

i gave her a romantic song, love is still there i can see it in her eyes and she can see it in mine.. we are in good terms now pretending and even trying to be friends.. ofcoarse this is impossible with all of these feelings still there but atleast we are not as angry as before at the situation and maybe in peace with the fact that we are not meant for each other..

 

i think we both are seeing the positive side of not being around each other and that is having more peaceful days, we even talked about it.. at times we act as friends and other times we talk like lovers do..

 

i guess what counts in the end is the love we will always have for one another and the lessons we have learned..