why is it so hard to let go?

[hulk7280]

well it has been a rough last year and half. i have had some great times with my ex, but it has been filled with way too much drama and i just want to be the guy i was before i met her. why is this so hard, why do i constantly think about her. i have heard all of the advice and have followed it, but it doesnt work. we have been broken up since the beginning of august(found out she was dating someone behind my back) and just recently started talking again at the beginning of october(i know im an idiot) now we decided to stop talking again, hopefully for good this time. im so sick of the rollercoaster drama with her, i just want to move on, why cant I please help!!!!

[DaDancingPsych]

I had a really bad breakup with an ex with a roller coaster of drama to follow. What I found is that believe it or not *I* was creating this unwanted drama. What I needed to realize is that if he really cared about me, he wouldn't do hurtful things. It took me to wake up one more and say I wasn't going to let him do this anymore and that was the day I began no contact. I didn't reply to his emails, IMs, phone calls, personal encounters, ect no matter how friendly and innocent they may have been. I removed his name from my buddy lists and stopped paying attention to him completely. I had to retrain myself to not think about him.

 

But the real key was filling that void. If I wasn't spending my time thinking of him and thinking of my pain, then I had to do something else. For some, it's a new relationship (although depending on the situation, I don't always think that's the smartest idea.) For others it's new or strengthened friends. Some need a new activity/passion/organization in their life. I think something new or doing something that you've always wanted time to do can be so refreshening! Suddenly, you feel like a new person... and one without the ex.

 

I think you've made the right first step by deciding to not talk to her. Keep it up this time! Now, do something for you!

[hulk7280]

i agree, its the void they leave behind that kills. i have tried so many times to not talk to her.. but she always messages me or something in a few weeks and we begin to talk and it starts all over again. im so sick of the rollercoaster drama. i wish i could be me again thats all i want! im so nervous abotu things.. i have actually been thinking about getting therapy.

[DaDancingPsych]

You recognize what the problem is, so it's YOUR choice to allow this to continue. You have to make the solid decision (as tough as it is) to allow no contact. The hardest part is already accomplished, you recognize where the problem is. Now, you simply have to make the decision to not allow it to happen again. Not meaning to repeat myself, but the best way to do this is to focus your energy in a completely new direction.

 

I should add that therapy never hurts. If this is something that you feel you'd like to do for yourself, it will give you the opportunity to talk with someone. Of course, we are here to listen, too!

[hulk7280]

i apprecaite you guys here, if it werent for ealone i prolly would have spent a couple of hundred bucks on therapy by now. you know its just never ending thought of her in the back of my head i wish it would go away. if only doctors would invent memory erasel!!! well i will begin NC and see hwo it goes. i doubt she will contact me for awile anyway. I hope she just lets me be and never contacts me again. but we will see only time will tell

[JoeWho]

Hulk that rollercoaster ride is the pits. Once you get off it you are on your way man. DaDancingPsych is right, find some new activities or some old ones that you put on hold. Stay busy and enjoy life. Post on here when you are having a rough time and avoid the ex like the plauge!

[ranlian]

10 months after my fiance dumped me, i still feel like i'm on this roller coaster. we tried to work things out in august and things went great. then in september, she just couldn't handle it... so now we're back to NC.

 

it sucks for me right now, and i think you all were right when you said it is the void that kills us. when we're busy with other stuff, it's easy to forget about things and subconsciously contemplate what's best for us. remember that idle hands are the tools of the devil, and our idle minds are exactly what's driving us nuts.

[hulk7280]

yes. i wish i never met her, i probably have passed up so many great women because of her. i am a great guy and treated her good, it makes me wonder if women dont really want to be treated like that...

[Captain34]

women want to be treated well, but they also want to be with a dominant male

[ranlian]

you know, my friend said to me yesterday that i'm "too nice". what is that supposed to mean? when i'm in the dating process with a girl, i can be the badass, but if i just consider the girl to be just friends, or especially when it was my fiance, then i go from badass to mr. nice guy.

 

so this brings me to your question if women don't want to be treated that way. i think in the beginning, they like a little bad in their men, but eventually they'd expect that badness to turn into good treatment, otherwise that badness will be perceived as just "being mean".

 

but girls liked to be treated well, right? hmm... well, yes and no. it basically comes down to this: the dynamics of how you attract (or reattract) your partner differs from how you maintain a relationship with your partner.

 

so no mushy mushy stuff with your girl. go NC again. regain your composure. and if in the future you guys decide to talk again, practice the art of being a badass without being an a55.

[hulk7280]

dude i dont want to do it anymore i cant do the drama, the feeling like * * * * then going back to cload 9, i just cant do it. i just looked at her myspace page and looked at my fav pic of her and said goodbye, to be honesti actually got teary eyed, unless i run into her(which i dont see happening) then i will never see her face again. if she tries and contacts me i will and must ignore her. i have to do it for myself, i know in my brain that is what i have to do, now i just have to convice my heart the same thing...

[coyote1980]

"yes. i wish i never met her, i probably have passed up so many great women because of her. i am a great guy and treated her good, it makes me wonder if women dont really want to be treated like that..."

 

I think if the girl is ready for a serious relationship, she doesn't crave bad boys or games. You didn't completely waste your time. I'm sure you learned so much from this