Thread titles are over-rated.

[Sylph]

Don't think I'm posting here again because I love you guys.

 

I just need an emotional release that goes past updating my journal that three people have veiwing rights too.

 

Now that I've started this I really don't know what to say, to be honest the need to do this built itself up yesterday, I'm only writing this on the knowledge that the need will very likely build up once again soon. My state of mind is worse than ever, for a while in was fine, or more over I was able to escape reality more readily, but over the last few weeks (months, I don't even remember) I hadn't had that opportunity. thereforeeee I find myself in the same old familiar position, stewing in my own thoughts, in the same old place, behind my computer.

 

I'd like to think I've narrowed down the problem, I'd also like to think that I hadn't already known this for an age, but I have. With out giving out my life story, most of my schooling years were spent getting systematically bullied day-in, day-out until people no longer even needed an excuse to make my life a living misery. I guess like all kids who get bullied I developed a mask, an ability to project and 'I'm okay' image to the outside world no matter what I'm like inside. What am I like inside? I'd probably use the words 'Raging torrent of emotion' if I didn't already feel guilty about complaining about any aspect of my life, even if I do it validly, not that I can actually tell.

 

I've been stewing so long inside my own head for so long, just trying to cope, obssessed with this self made mask of calm. Far too affriad to expose myself to anyone in the fear that they might actually see that I can't cope at all, that infact I'm really terribly weak inside, but most of all that they'll all just misunderstand that I mean and be dismissed. The last case is made all the more likely because knowing me if I let down my guard initially I'll look courage soon afterwards and let myself be misunderstood, so that I can go back to stewing in my own thoughts weaker than before. Because I really am weak, I've spent my entire life finding ways to make myself seem stronger, happier than I am. I've done it for so long that so often I'm not even sure what's true about me. Do I actually feel that way or did I just make that up and simply can't remember doing it? What are my opinions, what do I believe? I don't even know. My indentity is forfit and my personality totally inconsistant over time and towards different people.

 

At any rate I recognise that I need help and certainly can't do this on my own, between my crippling anxiety and ineptitude to do much for myself (I'd blaim my learning disability but that's a bomb shell of guilt right there) nothing ever gets done. I'd turn to a friend to take my hand and help me through it but I don't have a friend in the world who I don't know as a physical person, and not via some avatar from the internet. And just so you know, my parents aren't an option; my father barely registers that I exist, I'm pretty sure he never wanted children in the first place, and my mother is an ignorant, controlling thing that seriously thinks I'm still her little baby. She's be the first person to misunderstand and deny my thoughts and feelings as me just being a lazy bastard. The logical thing to be would be move out of here, get away, thought maybe I've spent so long in these four walls that I can barely call "home" that I just don't know any different, the european "hikkomori". I really wouldn't even know where to start.

 

I've run out of things to say so I'll just end it here.

[Dako]

sylph,

 

You're a real guy, and it's good to see you back, even briefly.

You have a pantload of troubles, and I have no nuggets of assurance, except that I wish you'd hang out here.

 

This avatar hopes you find a way to feel better.

[Sylph]

Cogito ergo sum.

 

I should certainly hope I real person.

 

Or perhaps it'd be easier to think that my entire life was one cruel prank, rather than a nightmare that teeters on the edge of insanity to dangerously.

 

Oh, and thanks.