Advice wanted

[hope123]

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Hey guys--i really dont even know if i posted this problem here--i posted this on another message board--and someone responded saying i shouldn't worry about something like this until it actually happens and then to deal with it.

 

 

I am worried over my b/f leaving the area. His brother and wife will be moving to a new state. They have a 1 year old and one on the way. My b/f is close with his family. The mother takes care of the grandchild a lot. When i speak to her she says I don't fly, i would have to take a train to visit---so it makes me think she does not want to leave her house and leave the area and start new(she is in her late 50's or early 60's). My b/f has his own place but stays with his mother and older sister due to a family member's death. The mother then mentioned to my b/f--oh if i did go where would you live(b/c my b/f mentioned to her about living there) and then she said she forgot he had his own place.

The thing is--months ago when i found out about this--he casually mentioned he might have to live there "short term"--i guess to help his brother with this business for awhile--to me, it seems too easy of a decision for him and we really argued over this and he said well this is his family and if it means helping his brother and his business-he is going to have to do it. A long term relationship would be really hard---i would be the one missing him more it seems...and it really worried me months ago. After thinking about it--i said maybe i should just wait for it to happen and then see how it goes..like say he went and takes a leave of absense--the most you can take is a year--so after that--he has to make a decision--stay in that area or come home--so then i figured maybe then i will know.

Does anyone have any feedback on what they would do/ think

Its insecure again--but it makes me feel like--if i am in his life--thats ok--but if his family needs or something--it wont matter as much if i am in it or not, he would deal with it.

 

The mother then said i have a place to go already. Doesnt it sound like she already made up her mind? I think if the mother left to live near them, my b/f would too. The thought of this happening really makes me sad and i can't just wait and be like--well lets worry when it does happen or if. The brother then bought a second house and i am assuming he would want to rent it out in order to make money. I am wondering if he is just going to offer it to his mother to pay the rent if she lives there. I would hope this wouldnt come up or my b/f would stay to be with me. What do you guys think?

Should i not bring it up again--until i definitely know from him whats going on? Enjoy the relationship?

[babypink61]

How far away is it? And also, how long have you guys been together?

[caro33]

You have been dating for over a year and a half now, right? Ideally, his relationship with you, if serious, should factor in to his decisionmaking. Perhaps he should even be wanting to run some thoughts by you, to help with his decisionmaking.

 

If I was you I would try my utmost to appear interested but detached enough to provide him with objective advice, and make it clear you are keen to be there for him through these decisions. If he feels confident that you will not put undue pressure on him, and that you have faith in him to do the right thing (whatever that is), he may be more able to share his thought processes with you about the move.

 

Not easy to face these things I agree, but perhaps this is a useful test for both of you to identify and manage the issues you have had. I imagine that an imminent move (or the possibility of one) will bring to light each of your levels of commitment to the future together. Given this is something you have been worried about, clarity can't be a bad thing.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hello Hope -

 

Well, I understand your anxiety - And I think I read your whole post but I didn't see anywhere why you couldn't go with him. Is that not an option?

[hope123]

No i don't think so--i just see it as weird--how i am much younger--but yet i have to pack up and leave my family..whereas he is 31 going on 32 and won't be able to stay here? And also i can't move out from my parents right b/c i would need to pay off some things after graduation.

 

A few months ago during the argument--he says he really does not know anything at this point and what's going to happen--he says if he knows something, i will know something--and since then i just kind of figured what will be, will and to i guess just enjoy the relationship--BUT when it comes to him and family--i definitely notice--if they need something--he is there..so i can just imagine the brother calling my b/f up one day while he is there complaining about he needs more help or something and i bet my b/f would begin packing pretty much right away.

 

I really haven't been asking too many questions about it. Recently he said he should plan a trip down there to see what he has b/c he hasnt even seen anything. I said you will be going down there a lot? he says he would try to put it off as much as possible--whatever that means.

 

Should i ask him more? I did ask him--oh so when will they be moving PERMANATELY and he said not for awhile..they wont be leaving immediately..maybe within a year or two...So should i wait and have this thing play out a little longer--what answers could he give me at his point different from a few months ago?

 

Please write back. Thank You.

[melrich]

At 32 he really shouldn't be following his family around. I agree with caro33, if you guys have been together for a year and a half, and he is 32, and he is willing to move away from you...then I think there are other issues at play here.

[hope123]

Thats what i thought-but i couldnt find the words to explain--he actually said to me once during that argument--you go where your family goes(not meaning me but in general)---

 

His brother will call him--saying he is doing this and that---and my b/f will be like you need help, what time etc etc

His mother wanted this deck done in time for a certain occasion--he stayed up for like 24 hours to get it done--i dont think he sees it the way i do...i think its important to be close--but at 32---he can think--i have my own life too...

 

i really don't know if i should confront this again now..or wait longer--what do you think???

[caro33]

I think it's time to address your future together a little more clearly. He is certainly of an age where he should be reasonably clear with what he wants out of life, and it's fair enough for him to be clear also - after a year and a half - whether he sees you in his future. I'm also with melrich - 32 is old enough to have left the nest well and truly.

 

With the issues you guys have had, it's understandable if it's not something you want to bring up right now, but do you think you are in a position to come straight out and say 'dear boyfriend, do you see yourself with me in a year or two? In ten years?'. If he says 'I'm not sure', then you need to have a long hard look at this relationship. Unless you have just had a mega fight and you can see definite room for improvement, this is a negative answer. If he says 'yes, I think so' then perhaps you need to have a gentle word about what your plans might be together, that is, how he will prioritise his family with you compared to the rest of his family.

 

23 is young, yes, but years can go by with some people, and they are never ready to commit. I spent the years 19 through 29 with one. It doesn't get better, even if they are 'nice' and even if they love you. You, me, all of us, owe it to ourselves to be with someone who will prioritise us and want to be with us. There are enough committed, responsible people out there who will be into you who are ALSO nice and fun. You don't need to settle for something/someone less.

 

You have had concerns of various types about his commitment to you for a while now. If you take a deep breath and aim for complete calm and objectivity, what do your guts say about your future with him? Can you see you guys growing old together, buying houses, raising children, paying bills, and/or whatever else you want for your future?

[hope123]

I meant should i ask him further about the situation with his brother moving or just let that play out a little more seeing as though they are not moving right away anyway.

 

With the issue regading the future---in my post in this area(should still be there)--about the marriage thing--i came to the conclusion to ask him that again in about a year...he told me we went through a really rough period--arguing every week over something and said how can he say yes i can definitely see us married when we went through such a bad point--it has gotten better and i figure a year is a good amount of time for improvements--its not like saying we did not fight really horribly for 2 months--tell me how you feel now... A year is a reasonable time to think of what you want, how you feel etc..i hope i am not getting burned in the end by all of this..and yes---in a way i actually kind of resent his attachment to his family..i feel at his age--it should kind of be shifting towards me--just a little bit...there was a time his brother was working on something here and couldnt get help--so like every other weekend my b/f would be helping his brother 24/7--and i got mad saying i'm not a priority? and he says his brother's company is going to take precidence over watching tv and being at home. He said if we had something like a wedding or a dinner reserved for a very long time, he wouldn't just say oh no i cant make it(to me) but other than that-he had no choice...i still resent that.

[NJRon]

This, combined with your other posts, lead me to believe that you are obsessing too much over this guy. I think you really need to take a step back and decide whther it's worth it... in its entirety.

[caro33]

This, combined with your other posts, lead me to believe that you are obsessing too much over this guy. I think you really need to take a step back and decide whther it's worth it... in its entirety.

 

hope, this is what I am also saying, and have been saying through countless responses to your posts on these issues. You seem to not be able to see the forest for the trees. You have some really simple questions to ask of yourself which should make all of these issues much easier to deal with. That is what we all keep telling you, as well as asking you to think about getting counselling.

 

Fundamentally, if this was a relationship that was healthy, truly healthy, you would not be here so much asking what we all think about all those things you ask about. Perhaps this is not the right relationship for you, it's that simple. But how will you know? Have you asked yourself these questions? Surely your friends have told you it doesn't have to be like this?

[hope123]

hey,

 

the thing is--i'm not thinking about these things 24/7--but this is a place i go to get feedback on a lot of situation,problems,thoughts etc etc

 

I may post a lot but i'm contemplating every second what does this mean etc..yes i am worried about the brother situation and other things--but i do put those feelings off from time to time--those feelings sometimes just come on suddenly..i really put off the thing with the brother for awhile and now i have started thinking about it again--i guess b/c it seems to be really happening and i am trying to figure out--would the mother really leave the house she has been in for years and years and where her husband passed away--b/c my b/f does seem very attached and if his mother left to be with the grandkids or something--i think my b/f might also.

[NJRon]

I know you aren't obsessing like 24/7... I also know that you bring thes eup as they occur... as single pieces. The benefit I have is that I can look at all of these pieces and see a different picture than you... since I'm not actually in it.

 

Only you can know the right thing... I can only respond given the information you share. And, based upon what you have shared, I have offered how I see things.

 

You ask questions that no one here can answer for you... they can give you their insight based upon their *own* experience, but that's about it. No one can read your BF's mind.. you included. Nor should you be expected to.

 

You need to step back and see all of these little things as comprising one big picture... they are pieces of a puzzle. When you are in it, it's hard to see the forest for the trees...

[hope123]

hey everyone,

 

remember when i posted about this potentional major problem awhile ago? Since then i have just let it go..not really brought it up or anything..sometimes i think about it but not often..but it has come up again...he said his mother was going to visit her son and wife there for a little while..like for a visit..i said to my b/f thats good..she is gonna be sad when the move huh? and he says well maybe she will really like it there..i then said and move? and he says yes...thats when i just state..and then that means you will be moving..My b/f says he never said that, where did you get this from...and i told him this is the jist i got from the conversation in the summer..he said he never said anything like that..To me--he did when he said oh you go were your family goes..

 

I let it go b/c i did not want to start an argument but it does bother me and i can't help it..He said his mother left to visit and i said aww what are you gonna do now..and he said his sister will cook..and then i said well what happens if she moves there and then he said well then you are up. I really don't know if i should take these convo's seriously or is he leading me on(which is a horrible to think a person would do after 2 years) but i'm really scared and upset..i keep think if the mother moves, he will say he is moving(even though on the phone he said that isnt what it means he will do) I mean he told me randomly one time, once you get a better job you should get an apartment around here(where he is)--(he knows i dont wanna live with a b/f unless i am getting married to them) i think why would someone make a comment like that(unless he is just tired of driving) and plan on move in a year or so..or tell me today that isnt what it means he will(if his mom movies, he will)...

 

Basically--what would you do..would you let this go and let the relationship run its course..talk about this even further?--although i am not sure what to say..i said today oh that means you will move and he got defensive saying when did i say that..I was gonna say something but i also thought is it worth saying at this point and starting an argument?

[hope123]

potential*