Helen67 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 This is my first post, I have read some of the problems, and have found most of the replies very productive. Keep up the good work guys! Okay here goes...Last year my best friend (male) met a new g/f, nothing new for him, and have always welcomed his g/fs with open arms. We used to live together, then eventually he got himself his own place, which was okay, it meant more space for me a my 2 kiddies, single mum etc.. This new g/f was indeed a stunner from Thailand, perfect in everyway! They met in march 2005 and by may had decided to get married in 2006, no offence to asians etc, but it was for a visa, I know because I discussed it with him at the time. Was still very happy for them, my friend was happy and content. BUT, I began to see a change in me, whenever me friend came to visit (normally every other day), I realised I was getting sadder at his departure, to the point of me being in tears. Then it dawned...I loved this man more than I could ever have imagined loving anyone ever! It got very difficult, cos I could NOT see them together anymore, I suppose this in itself was a form of an ultimatum to my friend, but was only out of hurt, and not spitefulness. Anyway, he could not give me up, so split from his g/f, I'm not proud of this, but it was just how my feelings were/are. Okay, so here am I trying to build up a new relationship with my b/f ..ha, he couldn't give his old g/f up so easily, he tried to have it both ways. Basically, he cheated and lied to me, but to her too. Now before you think the worst, this man is the best, I mean that, good and kind and caring, but he was totally confused, I accept that. Eventually ties were cut with other woman, my problem although he is moving on with me is I'm scared of messing this up. My b/f has a great love for Asia, he spent many years there, this has now turned into a obsession of hate for me, not healthy I know, but fear can be a powerful source! I'm no great stunner, I've flopped in places after the kids, and I feel inadequete with my life at present. These are not helping my bitterness toward his ex, and are certainly not helping my relationship, I try not to say anything, but my b/f also knows not to mention anything to do with Asia. I know it's stupid, and I'm doing myself no favours. So to stop for now, can anyone tell me something I don't know? Maybe go another way around my fear and axiety. Oh and by the way, he still looks at the asian babes porn sites, so he does have abit of obsession too. Sorry so long, please reply, even to kick me up the rear-end! Link to comment
Meow18 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 First of all, welcome to Enotalone! I hate to say it, but you were the "other girl". You may have always been his good friend, but they were married. You were the one who broke them up so why would you ever be mad at his ex? I think you have trust issues because you saw that he could easily cheat, so you are scared of it happening again. And I don't blame you. I agree with you though. I think he was, and still is, confused. But that wasn't an excuse for cheating on you. Or cheating on her. That was very wrong of him and could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't see this working out. Nothing you say or do will make him forget all about his love of Asia. It seems like that's something he's passoniate about, and it's not fair of you to get in the middle of that just because you are insecure. And the porn sites, if that's what he's into then what can you do? In my opinion, if one person doesn't like them, then it's disrespectful of the other person to do it knowing how the other feels. If you have issues with it, then talk to him about it. But in the end, it will be his choice whether he looks at them or not. And the important question is if he says he won't, can you really trust that he won't? It's all about trust, and it really doesn't seem like you have any trust in him. Link to comment
Survictor Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I can understand your insecurities!! The fact is however, he is with you. This early stage in your relationship should be the best part. You are not giving him a chance perhaps? Link to comment
flower99 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 He's your best friend. Remember why you feel for him in the beginning. Don't silence he's passion (asia) because of you're fear, receive him for all he is & all he loves. And Ask yourself do you really trust him? And do you really love him for who he is? or was that simply a fear of losing him that made you believe you did? Link to comment
Lanterna Magica Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Have you been to Asia with him? Maybe you should confront your fear, touch down in Thailand and enjoy a holiday on the beach together! Eat some good food, dance, laugh.... Link to comment
mynatahsa Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Wow. Isn't it amazing how our bf and gf can cause us to be jealous of so many different things. ! I have noticed a pattern with the men that have been in my life. I think it is our own insecurities. He is with you. Why be jealous? If you can't trust him......then you can't.... and that is something you need to deal with in your own way. Link to comment
flower99 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Have you been to Asia with him? Maybe you should confront your fear, touch down in Thailand and enjoy a holiday on the beach together! Eat some good food, dance, laugh.... Yeah, good suggestion Confront your fear & share his passion with him Link to comment
Lanterna Magica Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I found it such a sweet story about the dawning of what you actually meant to one another, that I really want you to come back here in a year and tell me how well it's all going! Link to comment
Helen67 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 First to Meow18, sorry may not have made myself clear enough, They spoke last year in may of getting married this year, it was only a couple of weeks after their decision that I "saw the light". They had only been together a couple of months when all this happened. To the rest, going to Thailand and living his dream with him (again), I also agree seems like the only way I can stop this anti-asia scenario. I'm not too sure I'm quite secure enough to make that move as yet, and yes it is alot to do with my own insecurities, not him, I just want to get out of this fear complex and have a normal life. Maybe you can advice me a little further? I hope it's okay to write this here...When we were building last year our new relation I had just one orgasm with him (it has never been so easy for me, so don't be concerned too much), but after finding out he had cheated on me, and ever since, I haven't been able to! I think this is due to my bodily insecurity, but mainly due to the fact that I have felt that a woman to orgasm with a man is a very sacred thing, and makes a woman vunerable to him...Kind of like has shown all, and there's not much else to hide. I felt so cheated and cheap after finding out, that since I haven't been able to let myself go with him 100%. I hope I'm making myself sort of clear? Yes...This relation CAN work, I'm with the man I was always supposed to be with, we were made for each other. I know sex isn't everything, but this is another hurdle I have to jump! Any ideas? Link to comment
flower99 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I understand the sacredness of orgasms. And because of that, until you take care of the insecurities, bitterness, fear & lack of trust you've been feeling...I don't think this problem can be fixed. Because of everything you've been feeling right now, you're venerable & you can't open up 100% & have complete trust inside so it's reflecting in your sex life. Once you feel safe & secure in your relationship again....The orgasms will fix itself. wish you the best! Link to comment
Helen67 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 Thankyou Flower for understanding, and I'm really trying to make an effort with my insecurity and trust. I have been reading and adding to other threads, and this has also in itself been good therapy. It gives one a great opportunity to look at oneself's situation in a different light! But not just that, it's nice to try and help others who are suffering *much* worse than me. Also to Lanterna..If I'm still around here in a year, I will definitely let you know how it's going. I feel much more confident already, and feel my Asia hate slowly but very very surely slipping away. Just got to get myself sorted in the sack..lol !! Thankyou all xx Link to comment
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