Upset With Fiancee

[Jabbe]

My fiancee did something immature that disappointed me. I called her out on it and told her how upset I was with her. Even though it made her feel bad, I also told her that I don't think I want to talk to her the next day (we normally talk everyday). She knew what she was trying to do to me and it backfired.

 

A few hours have passed since then and I'm still disappointed and don't have the desire to speak. I know that she'll be wanting to speak with me tomorrow, so I turned my phone off. I love her, but I've let her slide and have been passive with too many things. I see this as a way of "punishing" her as well. If I can be "in the doghouse," then why can't she? I look at it as negative reinforcement.

 

I'm not doing this to play games or hurt her anymore than she may be already. The fact remains that she got herself into this and, now she's going to have to face the consequences of her actions. Plain and simple.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it's wrong that I'm choosing not to speak with her?

[friscodj]

Hey Jabbe-

 

It sure does sound like game-playing to me. You "called her out on it", you perceive something "backfired" here, you "let her slide" and are now "punishing" her? She has to "face the consequences of her actions"?

 

Just by the choice of language in your post tells me this. I don't even need to know the specifics of what she did. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life with someone? With this mindset?

[melrich]

mmmmmm...."punishing" fellow adults. This is not a good place to be.

 

I don't know what she did but this sounds to me something like you would treat a 4 year old. Do you really want to be doing this to someone you love?

 

If there is an issue between you, talk it out.

[arwen]

You talk about her as if she is a rebellious child, not your fiancee. I get the impression that this is because you are overcompensating for being too passive in the past (or thinking you were). It's like Ellie says, what you do now is passive-aggressive, not exactly an improvement.

 

Are you sure your relationship is balanced enough to speak about marriage?

 

Ilse

[Jabbe]

I can see what you guys are saying and I can say that I agree. I just haven't cooled off yet.

 

The story:

 

She called me and wanted to talk, but I was busy so I told her I would call her right back. I did just like I always do, but it seemed like she was upset just because I had something to take care of for only about 2 minutes.

 

We get back on the phone and she does the following INTENTIONALLY just to get under my skin:

 

1.Hummed while I was trying to talk to her (3 different times)

2.Tried to make me jealous by telling me about how she's hit on all the time

3.PRETENDED like she fell asleep on the phone

4.Wouldn't respod to me while I was talking to her

 

I didn't do ANYTHING AT ALL to deserve such immature treatment. It just goes hand in hand. I don't intentionally treat her like a child, but the coincedence is that when she decides to act like one I treat her like one. It's second nature.

 

It offended me, and I wasn't going to be all "Oh, it's okay baby walk over me all you want, but I'll still love you no matter what" about it. I'm a human being with emotions and self-respect.

 

What she did was so out-of-character that it shocked and disappointed me. We had already discussed it, but she just wouldn't admit that she was doing it on purpose. I've known her for a long time and see right through her. She's done that once in the past.

 

Once again, we already talked it out. I'm just not even in the mood to hear her voice right now.

[Jabbe]

Are you sure your relationship is balanced enough to speak about marriage?

 

The relationship is fine. We've just been dealing with frustration because it's now an LDR. I've just never seen her be so spiteful. It was like she was mad just because I had to communicute with someone else for a split second. Whenever I have something that I need to do, she always says "Is...more important than me?"

[arwen]

She sounds very manipulative to me. I doubt that is 'just' due to the distance. What do you think will change if you are married and live in the same house?

[friscodj]

Are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?????

[heloladies21]

Lots of game playing going on back and forth and that spells trouble for the relationship. If a chick really believes you're the one for her, then she would never even try and manipulate/test you like this. So there is a fundamental flaw in the relationship and need to hear more about how you handle conflict to see exactly what it is.

 

Most likely, it's that you don't habdle it correctly when she tests you. Like when she said that stuff about other guys hitting on her, what did she say and how did you respond?

[Jabbe]

She sounds very manipulative to me. I doubt that is 'just' due to the distance. What do you think will change if you are married and live in the same house?

 

It's strange because we never get into it while we're in person, but being on the phone is a whole different story. She's not like that all the time, and it's pretty rare. I agree that she tries to manipulative, but what she does doesn't get to me more than the fact than she's actually doing it. When she tries to make me jealous, it always fails because I'm not the jealous type. I just laugh along as she says what she wants to say.

 

Living in the same house? I can imagine that things would be better. She's normally very sweet, kind, mature, loyal, honest, considerate, and respectful.

 

She just wants me to herself and doesn't really like it when I associate with other people besides her. I think it makes her jealous. She doesn't have major reactions but gets sad just because she wishes she could be with me. She doesn't even want me to visit my friends this weekend.

[Jabbe]

Are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?????

 

I'll be honest in saying that it really did make me question our getting married. All I could think was "She's usually more mature than this? Is this a new side of her coming out?" I really do love her more than anything, but if this sort keeps up, I might consider putting it off until I see otherwise.

[heloladies21]

When she tries to make me jealous, it always fails because I'm not the jealous type. I just laugh along as she says what she wants to say.

This is part of the problem right here, you keep failing the jealousy tests. Think about how it's coming accross to her, she sets up a situation where she expects you to be jealous in order to prove that you care about her (because you would only get jealous about someone you truly care about), so when you don't react or just laugh at her, she thinks you don't really care. This is the way she and lots of girls think. I used to be the same way, never reacting, but this is a sure fire way to set the relationship up for failure.

[Jabbe]

Well, you do mention that this is out of character for her (although I find her behavior on the phone extremely strange and disrespectful)...

 

How long have you been in a LDR? How often do you get to see each other?

 

You say she has done this once before -- do you mean the denial of doing something intentionally to upset you or do you mean her strange behavior of humming, trying to make you jealous, etc.

 

The one prior occurrence: did she act this way after you guys went into LDR?

 

Maybe she's become more sensitive about how much you pay attention to her due to the long distance factor ??

 

We've been in LDR for about 3 months now, and it's definitely been a huge adjustment for the both of us. At first we had to write letters hearing from one another once a week, but now we can talk more because she has a phone. We don't get to see each other at all, but I went to visit her last month because of basic training gradutaion.

 

What she's done once before- Hum while I was talking to her. It happened near the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago.

 

After we went into LDR, things have been nuts. I've become more sensitive because we don't get to talk like we used to, and when one of us gets upset I just hate it because I miss her enough on a daily basis for us to be angry with one another. She has become much more sensitive as well. It's caused her to become paranoid in thinking that my love for her fluctuates on a daily basis.

[Jabbe]

This is part of the problem right here, you keep failing the jealousy tests. Think about how it's coming accross to her, she sets up a situation where she expects you to be jealous in order to prove that you care about her (because you would only get jealous about someone you truly care about), so when you don't react or just laugh at her, she thinks you don't really care. This is the way she and lots of girls think. I used to be the same way, never reacting, but this is a sure fire way to set the relationship up for failure.

 

I see what you're saying and actually know this too. I'm just sick of tests. It offends me because she should know that I'm deeply in love with her and wouldn't consider anyone else. Equating love with jealousy always seemed like a huge "no" to me. She's actually slipped up and told me twice that she would like it if I reacted with jealousy. I just can't give her the reaction she's fishing for because it's part of the game. Game-playing just happens to be my #1 pet peeve.

[heloladies21]

Honestly, I see her point. At first when this way of thinking was brought to my attention, it didn't make sense to me, but if my girl didn't get jealous about me when she was suppose to, I would question her true intentions. Jealousy is a natural human emotion and ifyou're not reacting when you're suppose to, then the logical conclusion is that you don't care enough to get upset.

 

The tests will keep coming as long as she feels that you don't truly care about her, and eventually it will lead to a break up. She gave you the answer right to your face. If you're not willing to do anything about it, then might as well end it and not waste anybody's time.

[Siriana]

Maybe a little bit of false jelousy could do. If you see an improvement in her behaviour after that, well, compliment her once in a while with jelousy. It is little bit weird, but if it is normal jelousy in small amounts, more like joke, it is actually a compliment.

I am not a jelous person, but sometimes I make my bf smile by acting a little bit jelous. For example he has a boss with a doughter of his age. He likes him very much,and he has heard him talking to me, beeing all sweet, so I asked my bf when your boss knows how sweet you are,he's going to try to set you up with his doughter He smiled at me and said - he already asked me would you marry my doughter so I asked him how much he will pay me to do that? He said he will leave me his bussines. I said that it is not enough because she spends way to much. it made me smile.

 

So how about asking her what are you wearing today? Than compliment her with little bit jelousy included.

 

Maybe she misses a litle bit of attention.

If this doesn't work than we'll see.

[Jabbe]

Maybe a little bit of false jealousy could do.

 

I was actually going over this in my mind. I know it would make me feel SO cheesy inside, but I'm willing to experiment and see how it goes. We can't always have things our way afterall. I'll just accept the fact that a relationship comes with just a little bit of mental tug-of-war from time to time. I see that being straightforward isn't always the best way to get the job done.

 

Btw, I sent her an email getting everything off my chest about the event basically forgiving her too. It was a lot to swallow, but I do feel a little better now.

 

I'll play along.

[Siriana]

Well you woan't feel so bad, after you see how she's all happy. probably you will feel better because you made her smile

[heloladies21]

basically forgiving her too.

Why would you do this before she had a chance to apologize? It's like short circuiting the system. This way, no understanding has been reached and she is gonna end up doing it again. You just forgave her before without her even asking for your forgiveness, so you're gonna repeat your actions when she repeats hers.

 

If your gf was being overly friendly with another guy, you wouldn't be jealous at all? Or would you just surpress the emotion and not show it? Cause if you don't feel anything, then she's not the one for you buddy. And letting someone know that you care about them isn't cheesy, it's letting them know that you care.

[Clementyne]

Your fiancé is not revealing a new side of herself. Everything she is doing is her way of asking for love, or demanding if not asking.

 

She sounds like she is very insecure about what you guys have at this particular stage and it is obvious that besides wanting to receive love, she wants reassurance from you.

 

Perhaps you've been very busy and you have neglected taking care of your S/O. It's not a sin to get all wrapped up in work and forget the most important people in our lives. I remember I'd do things similar to what your fiancé has been doing, and when I don't get the reaction I expect, I'll do more. The more he doesn't give me what I want, the more I'd feel unloved and would push so hard for his reassurance. I know it's not healthy, but it's reality. I'd say it's the LDR. It was really tough for me, as I felt that he was getting very distracted and somewhat distant, I thought that there are things I must do to get his attention. Well I did get his attention, by starting up a fight..

 

I know you're mad at her, but try to sympathize a little with her. You listed very great qualities she has. You know she's a good person, just try and give her the love she desperately seeks. And as another poster suggested: not showing any form of jealousy might indicate that you do not love her. Is that the message you want to send?

 

Good Luck..

[Jabbe]

Why would you do this before she had a chance to apologize? If your gf was being overly friendly with another guy, you wouldn't be jealous at all? Or would you just surpress the emotion and not show it? Cause if you don't feel anything, then she's not the one for you buddy. And letting someone know that you care about them isn't cheesy, it's letting them know that you care.

 

While we were on the phone, she kept saying she was sorry, but I was so heated all I could think was "If you love me so much, then why would you do what you just did." My mind was racing so fast. I calmed down, and I forgave her later in the night.

 

It gets to me when she talks about guys getting a little too close, physically. I know that they don't stand a chance when it comes to the things they say because she always mentions me and they just make themselves look like total jerks. On some occasions, I do downplay it.

 

I tell her that I don't like that (when they advance physically), and that I wish they were respectful enough to keep their distance. They know about me, yet they say they don't care, and I find this VERY diserespectful towards her as well as me. I told her that I wouldn't want to have to fly up there and give some of those guys a piece of my mind. She's made it clear that she doesn't like me associating with ANY females at all. She can go on and on about me "flirting" when I haven't done anything.

 

I made it clear that I don't want her spending any time alone with any guys at all. I just don't react when she explains to me that a few of them are well-behaved and just friends. Saying things about her friends in a jealous manner wouldn't benefit me at all. I'm sure. I can't come off looking insecure, and like I don't trust her.

 

Last week, there was an incident where I got a call from a guy's number and heard her voice in the background. The guy hung up on me! This made me furious! I called back, and I heard a guy's voice say "He called back." She got the phone, and I just didn't know what to say to her. I knew that there was nothing going on, but something in me just didn't like that one bit. I took it all out on her because it was odd enough that she couldn't call me from her own phone. "Who was this guy and what in the world was she doing with him?" She was upset because she felt that I was acting like she was cheating on me. It made her very sad.

 

Apparently, he was a friend and she was calling me from his phone because she thought her minutes were running low. If that was really a test, then it sure was a sick one.

[Jabbe]

Perhaps you've been very busy and you have neglected taking care of your S/O.

 

Well, it may sound pathetic, but the majority of my days consist of me waiting to talk to her. We usually send text messages back and forth when we can't talk. She'll usually step out of class and run to the restroom risking getting in trouble just so she can talk to me. In the mornings I wake up just to send her a message to let her know that she's on my mind.

[Jabbe]

We talked about it more in the morning, and she was still denying that she had done anything on purpose. She also tried to flip the whole thing on me by repeating some of what I said to her last night. All I had to say was that it's in the past, I don't want to even think about it anymore, and that it should never happen again because I won't be dealing with that forever.

 

She was upset because I didn't tell her that I loved her before we got off the phone. It felt like I was impaired or something. I just couldn't do it. She asked me if I still love her, and I told her that I do more than anything. Right after that, she started crying and even went as far as to blame me for the way she was feeling when she sparked the whole thing. It's like she honestly thinks that I should accept what she does to me just because I'm a man and men shouldn't have emotions. She also believes that she never does anything wrong.

 

It's sad because when things aren't going her way, it's like she always wants to run instead of talk things out. When she finally sees that she's wrong, her first response is always along the lines of "Why are you doing this to me?" or "Why do I keep letting you do this to me?" Of course, I'm confused beyond everything because I know that I didn't do anything but have an emotional reaction to the way SHE TREATED ME. I'm not a robot, people.

 

We'll see what happens. I plan on discussing the fact of her not wanting to own up to the fact that she can actually hurt my feelings.