Have I ruined any last chances??

[moonchild]

Hiya

 

Just a quickie

 

10 months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up due to long distance.He moved back home. He initiated first contact and we stayed in LC for about 7 months, 3 months where I went NC.

 

Then buy chance (fate), we bumped into each other again. Wanting to try again, but decided to keep it as friends and take baby steps, cause we don't know where life will take us.

 

I have been really hurt and sad about break up for so long and really wanted to make it work and he knows that. He says he really loves me, but nothing is guaranteed when we are so far apart.

 

Then 2 weeks later I get a call from a number, silence on the other side. Decide to call back and it was him. (I had deleted his no, so had no idea it was him)

 

Asked him why he called me and then he said "as I recall you called me".

I just wanted to check who had called so 'silently', so he said "his phone was in his pocket, might have accedentally dialled"

 

So I asked him to delete my no, so it doesn't happen again, chatted for a while and then he said I can call him whenever I want to.

 

I replied, I don't think so, just delete my no. He said ok (softly) and then I had to go.

 

It's been almost 3 months now and I haven't heard from him.

 

I didn't want him to never contact me again, just delete my no, so it doesn't happen accidentally and get my hopes up.

 

Guys, I don't know how to fix this problem.

 

I sent him an e-mail for his 21'st, 3 weeks ago, hoping it would open the communication channel, but still nothing....

 

I don't want to loose him, maybe he did intend on calling me, but was to shy to initiate conversation.

 

Maybe he did realise that he wanted to make it work and then I blew it, by asking him to delete my no. I was just trying to be strong

 

](*,) HELP

[RescueDiver]

Okay, I don't really understand. You don't want him to contact you, but want to be friends, don't want to lose him... but tell him to delete your number and not call and you wonder why he doesn't? I guess I'm having trouble understanding the dynamic of your relationship (who broke up with who and who wants who back).

[chai714]

You send him contradicting signals. You want to talk to him because you're interested but then you go telling him to delete your number?

 

How is this going to make him think that you desire to talk to him? If you told me that, I would get the hint never to call you again. Now do you see how he could be confused? You trying to protect yourself is now hurting you because you're closing the door on him.

 

To fix this problem, call him and apologize for having said that. That would be a good start.

[RescueDiver]

I agree with Chai, if you had told me that, I would've deleted your number and never called you again. I guess if you want to fix this, call him and tell him that you didn't want never to talk again, explain how you really feel and go from there. You could e-mail him too, but sounds like you did that already. If it's been 3 months there's a chance he may have moved on... I honestly hope he would have in that amount of time and I'm not sure why you haven't.

[moonchild]

I must admit that I have been very confused about the whole situation.

I would love to be with him in a commited relationship, although it would be a LDR and he is scared off by that fact, because they never work.

 

I accepted his decision and understand now that my actions over that last phone call were pretty inconsiderate.

[moonchild]

Rescue diver

 

He is a commercial diver and is off on a job for 3 months, so he hasn't had a chance to meet anyone else. He even said to me that time that he is not going to meet anyone else, because he is never around.

 

I have met other guys, but none are what he is. That's why I'm still holding on

[Juliana]

LDR can work. It doesn't matter if he phoned you, or if he sat on his phone (my brother went through a period of phoning people whenever he stuck his phone in his hip pocket; we just thought he was being really sociable). You obviously want to go out with him. Call him up and tell him you want to try. Worst case scenario: You go back to not talking.

[RescueDiver]

Wow, funny coincidence there. Alright, well, then what you need to do is find some way of contacting him phone, e-mail, snail-mail letter, whatever... and make your apology. Whether he will accept it or not and resume contact is of course out of your hands. Now, that still doesn't fix the larger problem about what the two of you can do about the long distance thing. I have been in more long-distance relationships than I have local relationships so I have some experience with them. The unfortunate fact about LD relationships is that both people have to be able to deal with it. No matter how good you are at dealing with the distance, if the other person can't... it's not going to work. It's not that LDR's don't work... it's more that permament LDRs don't work. I understand he's a commercial diver (I work for a local fire department and my diving is pretty much confined that that geographic area) and I know a little about that field (looked into doing it myself at one point). Can you tell me more about how his schedule works? I mean is he gone for three months and then back for a month... or does he just go from job to job to job to job? And is his "home" where you are when he's not off on a job or is that elsewhere?

[moonchild]

That's the thing, he had moved back home after working abroad, where he met me. He was very unhappy over here and I am still going to be here for the next 4 yrs, have some goals I want to achieve.

 

The thing is that we are both from the same area back home and that is where we bumped into each other in July. Fate, I believe, gave us another chance.

 

Thing is, he has signed a contract (don't know how long) to work 3 months on 1 off. He would go back home for that month and because he doesn't want to say no to jobs and doesn't want to disappoint me, if we had to plan holidays and stuff, we said we'll keep it as friends.

 

So no, he wouldn't be returning to me during his month off.

 

but then my balls up...

 

Guess I can only apologise, but I don't want to seem needy.

Guys don't like that.

Any advice on how to go about it, I think I may still ne semi attached to him, after so long I must be pathetic

[RescueDiver]

Ick... I don't know quite what to tell you. That would be rough going, if not impossible for four years. I'm not saying the two of you couldn't do it, but like I said earlier, both of you have to be able to handle it. I don't have any miracle cures for your situation... at least in the near term something would have to give... you'd have to give up those goals and move back for anything in the near term to work. Other than that, I guess just make the apologies like everyone has been saying and take it one day at a time... keep the lines of communication open and visit when you can. Not really much else you can do I suppose.

[moonchild]

thanks for all your input, suppose whatever will be will be

[RescueDiver]

Yes indeed... and of course "if it's meant to be, it will be." You can also make your own destiny but you can also only do what you can do. You could always try praying too. Has worked for me before.

[moonchild]

Hi again,

 

Still haven't sent a msg to apologise. The ladies have told me not to, until he replies to the birthday e-mail. Otherwise it will seem too needy.

 

So confused again.

 

I just wanted to heal abit and everybody said that I should ask him not to contact me anymore. Show him that I'm strong.

I did that the last time we met, but felt so sad and went back to him and told him I didn't want to leave it this way.

He said we could try it as friends, he does what he has to do and I do what I have to do and we'll see where life takes us...

 

Prior to that he was telling me that he didn't want me to hold onto him when I met a great guy. He has nothing to offer me right now and maybe in 4 yrs, when I'm done overseas, there can be hope. For now though he doesn't want to keep my hopes up, he doesn't want to disappoint me.

 

Mixed signals from him,so confused...

 

He said I was his first true love and will always have a special place in his heart.

He is such a great guy, but I don't want to be played along, even if it's just as friends, because I do want more although I know it is not possible right now.

 

AAAAAAAhhhh.......

 

Why does this have to be this way????