The Danger of Falling In Love Online

[RescueDiver]

Since one of my last cautionary tales was pretty well received, I thought I'd share another story from my past. This time on online-dating.

 

Back in the early days of cyber-dating a site some of you may have heard of was in its infancy. link removed was looking to build up its initial database of users and made an offer that I really couldn't refuse. Anyone joining up at that time would receive a FREE lifetime membership. Well, naturally I signed up. Because there were so few people on link removed at the time it was very difficult to find someone that you really clicked with. Few people had pictures with their profiles. Worse still the proportion of men to women was probably 80/20 at the time. Even with all of this against me I still managed to hit it off with a gal from Grand Rapids Michigan. At the time I had just graduated from college in Eau Claire so I was living there. A distance of nearly 500 miles separated us (almost 800 kilometers for the rest of the world).

 

Jessica, was going to college for physical therapy and had recently gotten out of a relationship. I think she was probably about 18 or 19 at the time (I was 23). Anyway, over the next several weeks we shared many long e-mail conversations. Now bear in mind, this was almost 10 years ago. There was no voice-over-ip (so no skype or anything like that), no instant messenger, no video conferencing, etc... The closest thing we had to IM was a unix-based program called "Talk". Some of you might remember that. Unlike IM, with Talk you could see the person typing. So, if they were a slow typer it took agonzingly long to get a response... worse yet, if they made a mistake or a typo, you got to watch them backspace and correct it.

 

I didn't even know what Jessica looked like in the early days of our cyber-relationship, but how easy it was for us to talk to each other was a good sign. Jessica on the other hand was able to see what I looked like right away as I had a picture posted with my profile. Anyway, we shared many of our deepest secrets and many emotional stories from our past. Eventually we even ended up having a netsex session. Not long after that Jessica sent me a few of her pictures. In spite of being slightly overweight (which she admitted up front), she turned out to be very attractive. Well, after that I pretty much started to feel the familiar sensation of falling in love. We both had begun expressing to each other how excited we were to meet and planned on meeting in Manitowoc, WI in a few weeks. As those weeks drug by our conversations became increasingly affectionate. Even though I knew I was falling for her too soon, I felt some comfort in that it seemed like she was falling for me just as fast. A few days before our appointed meeting Jessica asked if I minded her bringing a couple of friends along. In a way I did because I wanted to be able to just concentrate on her and not worry about having to entertain two other people. However, I did understand the risk she was taking going so far away to meet a complete stranger. Well, not a complete stranger, but you get the point. I told her that was fine as long as they paid their own way (I had already bought Jessica's ticket... which wasn't exactly cheap). She said that they would (it was her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend).

 

Finally the day of our meeting arrived. Jessica would be driving up to Luddington Michigan, then coming accross Lake Michigan on the SS Badger, a ferry that crossed the lake daily. It didn't really save much time on the trip (if any) as the trip accross the lake would take about 3 hours. But, it did save her a large amount of driving. For me, I had a 4 and a half hour drive to Manitowoc to meet her. The drive was agonizing as it was two lane road and horrible traffic almost the entire way. Upon reaching Manitowoc I stopped into the local visitors center. I was already running behind (and hoped the ferry would arrive late) and I didn't want to get lost. I also wanted to stop at a florist and get some flowers and didn't have time to wander around the city looking for one (remember... this was before MapQuest, Yahoo Maps, or Google Local even existed). I told the woman working at the visitor's center why I was in Manitowoc and asked her if she knew of any good florists. She did and gave me directions to that and then to the pier where the SS Badger would be. I thanked her and she wished me luck and said she hoped I found what I was looking for. Immediately thinking of Jessica I replied "so do I."

 

I stopped at the florist and bought a single red rose. Then thanks to the directions from the woman at the visitor's center I made it to the pier with relative ease. When I pulled into the parking lot for the SS Badger's pier I cursed... I had hoped to beat the ferry because I wanted to surprise Jessica with the rose. Unfortunately for me, the ferry had actually arrived EARLY! It didn't take too long for me to spot Jessica... she was standing there looking even more beautiful than in her pictures. So, I grabbed the rose, a jacket (it was VERY windy that day) and went to greet her. I introduced myself and gave her the rose. I had some corny line like "this bud's for you" all planned out but I was so nervous I forgot all about it. Jessica seemed very guarded, and didn't seem like she would be receptive to a hug so I let it go. We'd both envisioned leaping into each other's arms and sharing a long passionate kiss on meeting... I was a little dismayed that this didn't happen, but I figured she was probably just as nervous as I was. Jessica's friend Angie and her boyfriend Dre showed up soon afterward and I led them all to the used 8-year-old Jeep Cherokee I had purchased barely a month prior.

 

Jessica and I had made reservations at a hotel for the lot of us weeks prior when we planned the trip but check-in wasn't until 1 PM (and it was probably about 11:30 when the ferry arrived). So we stopped at a hotel near the pier and borrowed a phone book. Pizza sounded great to all of us so we drove to a local pizza hut. There we could all become friends Jessica's friend Angie said. I noticed Jessica was being awfully quiet. I could sympathize with being shy since I'm that way myself... but even I warm up after a little bit. After all, it wasn't like Jessica and I were complete strangers. We knew more about each other than most people did. Angie said that Jessica was just that way, even around her friends.

 

Over lunch everyone seemed to lighten up and we had some pretty good conversation going. Jessica's mood seemed to improve a little, but she barely ate anything. "Wow," I thought, "she's even more stressed out than I am." Jessica admitted to not feeling very well, which again was understandable. I hadn't been feeling very well myself earlier, but once I'd been able to relax a little I felt immensely better. By the time we finished up lunch it was after 1 PM so we would be able to check into our hotel rooms. We had all gotten up very early for the trip and by now all of us were very tired and in need of rest.

 

At the hotel we brought our luggage up to our rooms then went to Angie and Dre's room to socialize a little more. Finally Angie leaned over and whispered something to Jessica. I couldn't hear what she said, but something told me it was time to go. So I got up and Jessica and I left for our own room. Once we got to our room Jessica immediately went over to the bed, laid down and sighed. I felt really bad for her. She was obviously exhausted and not feeling well at all. I went over and sat down beside her and asked if she would like a back rub. Jessica looked over at me and said "first we need to talk" in a very regretful tone.

 

After planning the trip, Jessica and I spent many nights before we each went to bed talking about how wonderful it would be to finally be in each other's arms. We talked about all the sexy things we'd do to each other and so forth. Basically I figured Jessica was going to tell me that she wasn't ready to "do" anything yet which I didn't mind. I hadn't come to meet her for sex anyway... I had come to meet her because I wanted a relationship with her. Jessica said "I have something to tell you, and you're not going to like it."

 

Jessica went on to tell me that the guy she had dated for two years prior to meeting me had shown up the previous weekend. They had a long heart-felt talk and decided to get back together. I felt like I had just been hit by a train. "Why... why didn't you tell me?" I asked her. Jessica said that she still very much had wanted to meet me and knew that if she told me what had happened, or if she suddenly changed her demeanor over e-mail, etc... (even after that last weekend, she had continued sending some very racy e-mails) that I would get wise and not want to meet her. Well, she was right of course. Her boyfriend of course wasn't exactly happy about her going through with the meeting, but trusted her.

 

Well, basically in order to decide my next move I needed more information. Jessica really hadn't talked much about her ex- (which is why I had thought it ancient history). So, I asked her more about it. She said that before when they were dating there was a lot of pressure and stress due to their parents (curfews, etc... since she was under 18 at the time). Well, now that she was away at college, an adult, etc... they wanted to give it another try. Jessica said that they were both very much in love with each other, which I basically took as my cue that I now had no chance at being with her ever again. I told Jessica that I needed to go think about what I was going to do. Basically I wanted to go home, but that would leave the three of them stranded at the hotel. So, I took off for a few hours and went to a park to think (and let my emotions out as I was very upset). After a while I went back to the hotel. I decided that I'd try to be big about what had happened. Somehow in the back of my mind something told me that Jessica's relationship with this guy wouldn't last and if I ran out now, I certainly wouldn't get another shot. By the time I got back it was late enough for everyone to fall asleep so we all went to bed.

 

That night I obviously didn't sleep well at all. I doubt Jessica slept much better. The next morning I caught Jessica's friend Angie alone and asked if I could have a word with her. She agreed and we went and found a quiet corner out in the hallway and sat and talked. Angie and I basically talked about what had happened, and what should happen from here. Angie said that Jessica really wanted to stay friends with me and felt really bad about what had happened. I explained to Angie that my feelings for Jessica really went far beyond friendship. She suggested that I tell Jessica exactly what my feelings were and go from there. Which I ended up doing. I told Jessica that I forgave her for what happened and that I would like to try to be friends with her. I told her that I didn't know if that was possible, but I would try. A short time later I brought Jessica, Angie, and Dre back to the pier so they could get back on the ferry and begin their journey home. I bade them all goodbye and began my own long lonely drive home.

 

Over the next two months my contact with Jessica slowly began to die off. It took about the same amount of time for my heart to heal from the whole ordeal. Over that time I sat and wondered what I could have done differently and realized that there really wasn't anything. Sure, I could have tried to not fall in love quite so fast, but that was about it. As it turns out Jessica's relationship with her boyfriend "Mike" I think was his name, didn't last. But, by the time this came about I had long since moved on, and wasn't keen on reopening old wounds. How did I find out then? Well, four years later I stumbled accross her e-mail and wrote to her just for the heck of it. Much to my surprise she wrote back. We've talked over IM a few times since then.

 

Anyway, for those of you that are involved in a cyber-relationship and haven't met... do your best to keep your hearts in check... at least until you meet. Hopefully you will have better luck than I did.

 

Oh, for those of you that might be wondering... were there any signs that Jessica had gone back to her ex or that something might be wrong? Well, at the time I was so love-blinded I didn't really notice. But after this all went down I went back through my e-mails and noticed that the level of affection (lovey dovey, huggy kissy, stuff) dropped pretty abruptly right after the weekend where she and her ex- got back together. I didn't really notice at the time because I was working a lot of hours at the time and was really stressed out. I had also just begun my training as a firefighter so I had all of that on my mind as well. Apart from that, there was a marked difference in our phone conversations. She wasn't anywhere near as talkative, but that could be explained away at the time as pre-meeting jitters.

[Baby Carrot]

Hey Diver, thanks for sharing your story

 

I've been involved in online dating things as well.

 

When I was 17 I was a cyber junkie. I met several local guys thru the net. I was really irresponsible actually. Nothing good came out of it, so at a point I said "Enough, no more online dating/meeting again".

 

But I gave it one more try and ended up with this other local guy who I spent nearly 5 years with. Wish I had been faithful to my gut and stick to "no more online dating again" cuz it didn't end up well.

 

For some reason I kept believing that internet was a wonderful way of contacting people you can really click with. Which is of course, pretty naive. Im naive in other ways as well. Bottomline, naive people like me should STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM E-DATING.

 

This very year I met another folk online who I really had a lot of "chemistry" online with. We planned meeting, became very fond and horny for each other. It didn't work out.

 

Is very easy to focus on the wonderful conversations and nice words. But the thruth is, you don't really know the other person at all. We all tend to present the best of ourselves and hide the bad. Is natural.

 

But personally I'm fed up. I'm done with the nerves of meeting someone you really don't know, of discovering they DO NOT look as good as they pretended online, to be anxious about making it work the very same way you said it would work when you were chatting, and all the pre-meeting jitters as u say.

 

So, new rule for me: staying THE HECK AWAY FROM the mirage of meeting people online for romantic purposes.

 

Relationships are crappy and complicated enough without long distance, internet and a huge waste of time, money and electricity.

 

Cheers

[Honey_30]

im with you Baby carrot... im staying away from online romance too

[RescueDiver]

I guess I should probably add a little caveat here. I did eventually meet my wife through link removed so it can work. Also, the online-dating pool back then when this incident occurred was very small. There was a huge stigma about online dating back then. Basically those that did it were often seen as despirate or otherwise undesireable. There did seem to be a disproportionate number of women (from my perspective) that had some very serious "issues". There weren't very many people that posted photos and the ones that did and were attractive got pounced on like celebrities.

 

Alot has changed over the past 10 years as far as online dating goes. For the most part the stigma has gone away and it's become much more accepted. I see a lot of very busy professionals using the sites. So I don't want everyone to think it's all bad. There are pluses. For one it's nice to be able to sort through and find someone that you might actually have something in common with. For me, it was really hard to find available women that are into cars (which was one of the things that my wife and I both share an interest in) or many of my other interests. For those that are shy (again like me) it is a little easier to at least get an initial e-mail conversation going than it is in person. Then when you actually meet, chances are you'll have plenty to talk about.

 

There are downsides though, I have seen plenty of them in person. Yes, some people flat out lie about themselves (though I have only had this happen once). A woman describing herself as successful, athletic, and beautiful (as well as having supposedly several shared interests) invited me after a few e-mails to a cookout (she claimed to be a stellar cook as well) at her apartment with her best friend and her link removed date. She only had WebTV for an internet connection so she really had no easy way to submit a photo. Well, the first warning flag went up when I found myself driving into one of the local ghettos to find her apartment. When I got there I found that she had been VERY liberal with the term "athletic" as she used to describe her overall body-type and build. The same went for the beautiful part. Granted beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but I've seen beauty and this was far from it. I was also in for one of the worst meals of my life... she made some sort of strange ground/shredded chicken patty which tasted more like salmon than chicken. Anyway, I politely stuck around as long as I could and e-mailed her the next day and told her that I wasn't interested. That was the only time that sort of thing happened to me though in 10 years of online dating. For those that think I'm an absolute superficial pig... the conversation wasn't all that encouraging either... our personalities never would have meshed anyway.

 

As has already been stated people tend to put their best face forward and yes they certainly do, and you have to make allowances for that and keep in mind that everyone has a dark side. So yes, the online dating world has improved... but it still may not be for the squeamish and it's not a miracle worker either. I don't care how many dimensions of compatibility places like eHarmony claim... you really won't know until you meet the person and actively interact with them. For that matter, personally I think eHarmony sucked. Their personality survey was really not very accurate and the people their system matched we with really weren't "my type". Worse still, you get VERY few matches and if you don't really match up with them... you're kinda stuck.

 

As long as I'm on the subject, let's see, I've tried link removed, eHarmony, AmericanSingles, FriendFinder, LavaLife (which I think used to be FriendFinder), Yahoo Personals, link removed, Tickle, and I think... that's it. Out of all of those link removed was by far the best. Yahoo Personals seemed to have the largest user base, but because of the way they run their service there is a huge number of fake profiles. You will find few on link removed but no where near as many as Yahoo. By fake profiles I mean someone farming e-mail addresses for marketing purposes, people trying to run scams (like the infamous Nigerian Money Scam), and people in Russia looking to move to the USA. I emailed more than one person from Illinois only to find out they were actually in Russia. AmericanSingles and FriendFinder were alright too (and I actually met a couple of people off of each) but their user bases are rather limited. The rest were just plain awful... so don't waste your time.

 

In the 10 years I did online dating (off and on) I had some really crappy experiences, but I also met a few very nice women and had some really great dates. So make your own judgement whether it's for you or not, but just make sure you know what you're getting into first.

 

By the way, the Jessica story by far wasn't the worst experience I had. It was probably number 3, the story about the girl I mentioned in this post was probably number 2. The number one mess was with a gal named Liz (a story I may share some other time, but it would require its own thread). If anyone wants to hear about that one I'd be more than happy to tell it.

[Honey_30]

i wanna hear the story liz story

[RescueDiver]

lol, ngeez... Okay, I'll start working on it.

[RescueDiver]

Here's the Liz story...

 

 

[rikka]

I just finished reading the Liz thread. RescueDiver, you have entertaining stories!!!

[sidehop]

I'm sorry to hear but also for those that's against it, I've always wondered what the the beginning & end was like. In online relationships you get to know the person inside first and yes people can be very deceiving but this can also happen outside the net.

 

Just because it didn't work out once or twice doesn't exactly mean that you'll never find anyone online nor you'll find someone special outside.

[audrey]

i had big problems with my mom when she found out i was chatting with a guy by msn. i knew her worries were totally based in all the bad news on tv about cyber love.

 

but i dont know why, i could really trusted him, not only cause the way we met(he saw my profile in the cyndi lauper fans page...not a page for looking for a date) but also cause he transmited a good feeling even the big distance between us.

now we're engaged, he's coming to visit me twice a year and i've already met his family and his country.

 

anyway, you have to be aware, you never know when its gonna be your fary tale story or a nightmare.

[Honey_30]

wow..and even after all these things you still went back to online dating?

i think i would have been put off for life.

[RescueDiver]

And that was the point of my post the other day. It wasn't the point of the thread to scare people away from doing it, merely to demonstrate the need to be mindful of the consequences, what sorts of things can happen, etc.

[sidehop]

And that was the point of my post the other day. It wasn't the point of the thread to scare people away from doing it, merely to demonstrate the need to be mindful of the consequences, what sorts of things can happen, etc.

 

Agreed. It's not different in any way when it comes to meeting. I think that's the scariest part about online dating & meeting someone for the first time. You just don't know what you're really going to get!

[zippitt]

Just to add a little more to that, I would have to agree that no matter of connection you have with someone online will determine what happens when you meet in person.

 

I do not have quite as much experience, maybe about 5-6 years of on/off online dating, but a lot changes when you meet in person. So don't build up this person in your head, don't wait too long to meet them.

 

For those people who doubt it's legitimacy. I have met my fair share of bad and good online dating experiences. I have yet to date anyone seriously from online, but I know many who have met online and are still married to this day. The only relationships I have had have been completely offline, but I am persistent and have faith that online dating is no different if you know how to read between the lines.