Need a little advice about my girlfriend.. please read.

[Paulb79]

Hi there.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 1 year 5 months now. Everything has been great. We always communicate well, and have never had a fight yet. Which I'm very happy to say!

 

But... since July 28th, 2006, since our son's been born, which by the way, He's doing A+, It hasn't been easy. Now everyone know's a baby isn't easy on a relationship because of the "tired/stress" factor, but to me it's no excuse for what I'm about to mention next..

 

We have always shared household tasks 50/50, everything was 50/50.

After she gave birth, I took care of my girlfriend for 5 weeks because she had complications, she couldn't have him naturally, and her cut got all infected and everything else that could possibly go wrong.. well it all did. Now she's ok.

Basically I took care of her, of my son 24/7, plus all household shores.. I mean everything, and I didn't mind doing it, she needed to heal and get back on her feet. Now she is back on her feet, well sort of..

 

Now I'm back to work, I work 12 hour shifts 3 to 4 days a week rotary shifts. She off till May 2007. I know taking care of our son isn't easy, I did it for a month basically by myself. But it seems to me, like when I finish my work week, she just hands him over to me, I have to stay up all night with him because she wants to sleep her entire nights while Im off, plus while I work, she does not cook for herself, When I come home after a 12 hour shift, I have to cook her and myself supper, I have to pick up and clean up after her. Like I'm talking Empty bottles all over the place, the kitchen is a pigs sty after Im done my work week, and Im the one who has to clean it all up, she leaves everything lying around, I mean everything she touches, takes out, she doesn't put away, the dishes are never done, and we have a dishwasher , the clothes aren't washed, I'm doing wash as we speak while she gone to her parents and I have my son here too. All the garbage cans are all full, even stuff falling on the floor, I'm going to have to empty them and take out the trash after Im done writing this cause it's gross, the floors are filthy, the toilet well.... ishhh... get the picture?

 

It seems like it doesn't matter how much I clean, how much I pickup after her, everything I do, it all ends up the same way in the end, and it's because of her, she won't help me out.. It's like taking care of our son is her only job, mine is to work all week and then work at home. Oh and did I mention when I am at home, it's "my turn" to change the diapers full of you know what.. hehe

 

It really dont bother me at all when it comes to my son, I'll do anything for our child, but after working all week like I do, is it fair for me to do all this all the time? I even try hinting to her that I'm upset and that she should do a little bit more to help out.. but it still hasn't changed...

 

Has anyone else has this problem, even If it's vice versa, it's the man that's a lazy... and the Girl does everything? Got any advice? Anything could help me out at this point...

 

Just don't say "You guys need to talk" cause been there, done that, and constantly hinting about it hehe..

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Have a nice day!

 

Paulb79

[Tigris]

Does she have a health visitor who comes to see if the baby and her are doing ok? If the answer is yes then contact her and explain what is happening.

 

Who's going to look after the baby when she goes back to work?

 

She hasn't got herself into a routine yet. Maybe talking to her Mother might help?

[Paulb79]

Does she have a health visitor who comes to see if the baby and her are doing ok? If the answer is yes then contact her and explain what is happening.

 

Who's going to look after the baby when she goes back to work?

 

She hasn't got herself into a routine yet. Maybe talking to her Mother might help?

 

Yes we did have a health visitor, but not anymore, she stopped coming over whe she got better.

 

Back to work, well, we have place already set up in a daycare center, my parents and sister help out alot too.

 

Talking to her mother is pointless as she is in a way, doing the same thing to her husband, but she is handicapped, so it's not her fault. Her father does everything for her mother, I mean everything, a little bit like me here, but my girlfriend is healthy. Her mother could force herself a bit more to help out her husband, but she dont.

 

I just dont understand her since the birth of our son.. she is flat out lazy. I will probably end up talking to her again tonight, but I dont think it's going to change anything.

 

And for a routine.. well she has a routine, take care of our son, only our son while im working, and not anything else, and when Im off, it's all up to me, and she becomes 150% more lazy, she whines alot, and If I dont let her sleep while im off, watch out ... All I can say is when Im off ...

 

At one point I tought she was having a depression.. but I dont know anymore.. She says no, she's ok, just tired..

 

So basically all of the above is not going to get me anywhere... But at least I can choose to smile and be happy even If Im a little stressed about all of this.

[Tigris]

Your girlfriend has been brought up by parents who have opposite roles. She thinks this is normal and she's following in their footsteps. Could you talk to her father about it? Would she listen to him?

 

I advise you to talk to your Mother about the situation. Explain what's happening and that you're having to do everything. If your Mother and sister went around together your sister could look after the baby and your Mother could say, 'I'll give you a hand to fold the washing.' That way your girlfriend will gradually get into the routine of doing the chores again.

 

I've never had children myself, but I have helped my sisters when their children were small. I looked after the babies/toddlers and they did their housework. They were very grateful for the help.

[Batya33]

Is it possible that she wants to get married and you don't and thereforeeee she is resentful of the situation?

[Paulb79]

Is it possible that she wants to get married and you don't and thereforeeee she is resentful of the situation?

 

hehe, actually.. I proposed to her when I found out she was pregnant, we are to get married in Sept 2007 hehe.. so nope

[Clementyne]

Maybe she is still depressed and does not know how to deal with it. Postpartum depression is normal, but in some cases in lasts longer than others. Maybe that could be something you guys can talk about.

 

Has she ever displayed this kind of careless behavior before? I mean is this who she really is or does it have to do with the fact that she has given birth to your son and that she has became a new mother? Sometimes when people get depressed, they just become careless. Perhaps going through the whole thing made her become resentful towards everything.

 

I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but you guys do need to talk. You don't have to talk about who does what and why she's behaving that way, at least for now. Instead, you can talk about how she's feeling, how things are going and comment and the changes you've undergone ever since the baby was born. Once you've diagnosed the problem, it'll be easier to solve it.

[jilligirl]

It's not that she's not helping YOU out.... it's that she's not cleaning up after herself!

 

If you keep on cleaning up after her, she'll continue with these habits. If it were me, I'd let the house get messy. Tell her you're going to take the baby out for a walk and when you come back that house better be SPOTLESS. (OK, that last one was a joke.)

 

Good luck with whatever you do. Did you ever ask her what she does all day besides feeding and changing diapers? Have you ever addressed this concern to her?

[Tigris]

Paul has things improved?