why is my ex being so nasty to me!!

[kath123]

i have posted a previous thread about my situation but will recap my ex left me two weeks ago we have twins 9yrs he. I asked him to stay because i loved him very much but also said that if he really didnt think we had a future then i would let him go.This broke my heart and he has since addmitted that he has been seeing someone else (even more heartbreak for me).

However i have remained strong for my children and was adamant from the start that i wanted this breakup to be as painless as possible for the kids and have been nothing but friendly and civil to my ex even though it is tearing me apart.

During our releationship he was always very caring and kind even up to the last day when he was obviously seeing someone else, so i find it astonishing that all of a sudden he is being very mean with his words and attitude towards me when i have been the complete opposite and it is me who has been on and dumped by this person. He knows how much i loved him and didnt want us to break up so why he he hell bent on making this harder for me by his uncaring, nasty phone calls and messages.

PLEASE CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS!!

[debsea]

Because if he makes out in his head that you're a nasty person and is nasty to you then it eases his guilt. If he sees you for the lovely person that you are and the caring mother of his children he makes himself feel worse so he makes sure he doesn't. How do I know because I've had 4 years to work it out after 18years of good marriage which also ended suddenly because he'd met someone.

 

Try to make sure that when you see him be amicable but keep it short. It is harder to deal with the split because you will have to keep on seeing him but you will get there. And then most likely he will realise what he's thrown away.

 

Keep your chin up, and hang on in there, the old cliche is true, time will help.

[whoops]

so sorry about this it must be hard to deal with - Ithink you need to discuss the fact that you have a job to do in raising his childern and what he can do under the circumstances is at least be civil to you as you want your childern with him to have a secure background and not think mum and dad hate each other - show him what his naty behaviour is having on the kids and remind him that your jobs now are as parents and to be civil to each other so the childern are secure that mum and dad love them and that there is not hatred - point out if he doesnt do this what damage the kids will feel - he will understand - good luck and again ifeel for you but you are strong and doing well for your children i respect that and wih you the best.

[Vynde]

Because if he makes out in his head that you're a nasty person and is nasty to you then it eases his guilt. .

 

Debsea is right,

 

I can't compare my situation to yours Kath, which by the way I thank you for your post on my thread, but I can tell you that my ex is doing the same thing and I believe it's for the reason Debsea mentions.. Its there way of easing their guilt.

 

My ex after she told me she was leaving had nothing but bad things to say, even I sat in front of her and tears rolled down my face - I just took it. Why? I don't know, I guess because I loved her, and felt that if I got her upset, there would be no chance AT ALL of us working things out.

 

I think that it helps the separate themselves from us, and that method of being mean and trying to start fights makes it easier for them to handle and less guilty about what they are really doing.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I can't imagine. You sound like a very strong person Kath, and you have that going for you. Like everyone has told me, "one day at a time" focus on yourself and your beautiful children! They are the light

 

In the mean time, keep posting, updating, reading - We have the support we need here, and always someone willing to pull you up.

 

We are here - Hang in!

 

John

[moriarty76]

This is an interesting question and one my ex decided to email to me.

 

We are going through a seperation which does not involve a third party (I'm not having an affair and I'm not aware of her having one anyway) but things have gotten nasty.

 

It has got to the point where I cannot talk to her or her family because she is constantly changing any agreements and has not been reasonable with me since she walked out. I find her to be very deceitful and I cannot trust her.

 

She has accused me of being nasty to her and my reason for this is self-defence. If I listen and speak to her as a reasonable person, she uses it aginst me and makes my life more difficult - it's hard enough as it is trying to pay for a mortgage and bills on my own without her adding to my problems, so I shut her off.

 

Your circumstances are always different to everyone elses and I am not trying to stand up for your ex - it may just be that he is a twisted nutter who has psychopathic tendancies, but at times like this you need to be objective and put yourself in their shoes.

 

At the end of it all, if you can hold your head up and say, truthfully, to yourself in the mirror, "I have been reasonable through all of this", then you have done your best.

 

Good luck for your future.

 

John

[donebeingtheother1]

I have to agree... it easies the guilt... helps them to feel better than us.... put it on us.. it's our fault they left us... not theirs.

 

I remember I broke up with girl 5 or 6 years ago... we had dated for more than 2 years... she was so heart broke... I continued to put it on her the whole time. I wasn't nasty.. but not nice either. In the end she sent me a couple of letters... I read at the time.. and never made any sense of them. Then just of late... I found thoses letters and reread them... it all hit me at once.... It wasn't her that i was unhappy with... I was unhappy with myself.. for where I was, for what i was doing with my life... but i took that out on her. Selfish is what it is. Now being a better person.. I still see her... she is married... would have married me if I never broke her heart. I have told her about this... she addimitted that she felt I was wasting my life.. to some extent.. but she loved no matter what..she didn't want me to think I needed to change for her...

Know I now that I need to change for me... Felt really bad about taking it out on her.