Is it addiction?

[sunshine13]

I am in some real need of advice today. My b/f (on and off) for4 1/2 years broke up with me over a month ago. I was talking to my friends the day before he ended it and I was telling them how unhappy I was in the relationship. I am from the city and was about to move to the middle of no where and give up my job, friends etc. to be out there with him. It was definitely a one sided relationship. I did everything and he contributed nothing. . .wouldn't even hang out with my friends. I KNEW I was miserable. The night he ended it I was devasted!! I still get upset and think about it all of the time. I cry, I have not been good at no contact and tell him how much I miss him. I feel very lonely and all of that. Am I going crazy?? I was miserable!!!??? It was a terrible relationship. He had ended things about 10 times in the past. It is always the same thing. He dumps me and I go crazy. I know I don't want the type of lifestyle he lives and he was basically not good to me. I am holding on to the whole 4 things he might have done for me in the past. I don't get it. . .why am I even upset??? Am I just wanting something I can't have?

[Me_alone]

It sounds he wasn't very into you. First, who gives up everything for an on-off relationship? He broke up with you 10 times.

 

You are clearly investing your efforts with the wrong person. You need to let go of him immediately. You are upset because it feels like rejection. And no-one likes that. We just keep trying to prove ourselves worthy, and it just gets worse if you are with the wrong person.

 

Accept that he and you are not meant to be, don't try to rationalise it. There is no rationale. And then give yourself time to heal. The rest with fall in place.

[zrehman]

Hey cutie, listen ... Firstly, I will tell you that your bf sounds like a dirt bag, and you seem too sweet to deserve something like that. But I know break ups are hard, and sometimes someone might treat you like dirt, but no matter what you still LOVE THEM. So I know how you must feel.

 

But I personally think you should move on, because he is taking advantage of you in everyway, and you don't deserve it.

 

However, if you want him back, I think I know a way where you can get him to MAYBE change the way he treats you.

 

Strategy

=====

- I noticed that evertyime he breaks up with you, you go running back to him and tell him how much you missed him. Thats the first thing your doing wrong. Your not letting him feel or know what HIS life would be like without YOU. He knows by now that you are crazy about him and that you will ALWAYS be crazy about him and only want him in your life. We have to change his perspective on that.

 

- You built a comfort level for him. He isn't scared to dump you or lose you, because he knows you will come running back to him. We need to change this too.

 

- What you need to do, is completely CUT contact off from him. I know you might think this is the wrong thing to do, but its not, its more of a reverse psychology.

 

- He thinks that again you will come running back to him, but when he starts to realize, "Where is she? Why hasn't she called?", he will start to miss you and wonder what your up to. Its bound to happen. Now I can't say how long to cut him off for, but I would say that in 2-4 weeks, he will start to wonder what your up to.

 

- When he calls, ignore his calls, don't pick up. Just do not contact him at ALL. The only way you can contact him, is when he is on his hands and knees, begging to take you back. That will be up to you to decide, and if you do take him back, do NOT give him all of yourself, make him work for it. Still keep your guard up and still give him the feeling that you are fine without him in your life. Make him make all the moves, don't ever be like, "Lets hang out", make him do all the moves. It will be hard, but it will be easier, I promise.

 

I hope it works out for you. Best of luck!

[patience]

has this happened to you before?

have you been attracted to emotionally or otherwise unavailable people in the past?

[sunshine13]

I agree with you.

He pretty much lacks any sort of respect for me. It has basically gone on and off for the past 4 1/2 years b/c as soon as he knows that he has me back. . . he starts treating me like garbage again and takes off. I was in another relationship when we got back together this last time (with a great guy) and he came to me pretty much begging to take him back. I was stand-offish at first b/c I know how it goes with him. He "seemed" to make all of the changes he said that he was going to for about the first 4 months. Then once he knew he had me where he wanted me. . . it was back to the same old thing. I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING in the relationship and he could care less whether I was there or not. Any way. . every time he has broken up with me he REFUSES to speak to me . . . I get over it and he comes back. I seriously think there is something wrong with me that I take him back! Thank you for the advice!!!

[sunshine13]

No. This has never happened before. He is the only "serious" relationship I have had in the past 7 years.

[zrehman]

Well this time he probably will come back begging you to take him back, but you have to put your foot down! Tell him NO and make him work for it more, make him keep working for it. When the guy finally feels like he completely lost you is where he will really realize how good of a girl you are. You cannot take him back or give him any intentions that you will. I think in the mean time you should start seeing other people, keep yourself occupied and you might even find a great guy like you found before.

[arwen]

Seeing that you were in this relationship for quite a long time, I think you are missing 'having a relationship' rather than missing him.

[sunshine13]

Very good advice.

The one thing I haven't done is sit around and wait. I have done everything pretty much by the books. I joined a gym, went to the Ohio State game last weekend, I am going to Michigan with some friends this weekend, I am constatntly making plans and "talking" to other people. I get concerned when I start dating other people b/c that last "great" guy. . . . I broke his heart and he hates me for it. I don't want to do that to anyone again. It's not fair.

[patience]

on again/off again relationships are harmful to one's psyche...in other words, these kinds of 'relationships' will mess up your head!

 

have you heard of intermittent reinforcement? if not, google the term...

 

NC is hard to do, but in this case, I think it is essential so that you don't lose anyone of your own self in this mess

 

also google "ambivalent men"...you'll find info. about guys like him (they often do not change, even with therapy)

[Beec]

You might be wanting something you cannot have, and you might be addicted. Addiction to people in relationships occurs. What is love but an emotional attachment? When there are real ups and downs, it is more likely to become addictive. I must agree with the others, stay away from him, break the addiction.

[patience]

'love addiction' does exist

 

counselling is often necessary to break the cycle

[sunshine13]

I have already gone to counseling. It didn't help much. Generally I am a happy go lucky, fun loving person. It is just this relationship that tears me apart. I just think that it is back and forth, love hate thing that keeps pulling me in. The addiction seems to be just seeing if I can get him back. When he is there I don't want him but then he slams the door in my face and I want him more than anything in the world. Don't get me wrong. . . there were definitely good, loving, happy times in the relationship. I feel like I always need his "approval". It is disturbing b/c his life is not all that together. He is in credit card hell, lives in an apartment in a run down little city. I am not sure why I am constantly looking for him to want to be with me. Oh well. . .I am sure it will get better. Maybe I would have a lot more satisfaction to move on if I actually said NO to him once! I looked up the term "ambivalent men". . . . sounds about right.