Almost 6 years

[Lovemydog]

Hi everyone, i'm new here and...well I guess I just need to vent and find some support and friendly listening ears. I am a 26/f and currently live with bf who is 36. We met 7 years ago and have been dating for 6 years. We've now lived together for 5 yrs. We talked about marriage a long time ago, pretty much from the start as it just came up. About 5 yrs ago right before I moved in he was looking at rings (he didn't know I knew obviously), but now 6 years later nothing. I don't know what turned him off but it's honest to God breaking my heart. I have asked him and his main "excuse" is that he wants to wait until he can afford all this extravagant stuff. I told him that's not what I expect and if it were up to me i'd take a 25c ring out of the grocery story vending machine. The thing is since we've been together we went through a very lucrative patch where we had more than enough money to do whatever we want (not in that place anymore) but even then he did nothing...so it can't be that he's waiting for the money to be there right? Well now yrs later I feel like my heart is breaking and i'm contemplating leaving him as much as that will tear me apart. I know it's always the first resort for people to say "what're you waiting for leave him" but it's just not that easy. I've thought about it but I really don't know where i'd go from there, I really do love this man but i'm starting to self destruct trying to figure out what is wrong with me that he doesn't want me or want to marry me.

He says marriage doesn't mean the same to him, to him it's a sign of wanting a family, which makes me sad too. I'm beginning to want a family and now i'm not sure that this man is even a family man because at 36 he doesn't have any urge to have a family, he just wants to work 24-7. I feel like he's never going to be ready to marry me until he has 9 digits in the bank and is too old to enjoy a future with kids. *sigh*

Anyone have anything friendly to say at this point, i'll take it.

A.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I think you need to be direct and upfront.

 

Tell him that you love him and want to grow old with him. But you also want marriage and kids and if he doesn't then you can't see the relationship continuing. There may be some sort of compromise - (number of kids, working arrangements, even a pre-nup) but at some point you need to decide how to proceed.

[melrich]

I agree with DN. You have a lot invested in this relationship, it is time to find out whether you should be investing anymore or he is just going to mosey along like this for the foreseeable future.

[hosswhispra]

I agree with DN.

 

I would imagine that after 6 years together and living together (for 5 of those years), he would know if he wants to marry you or not. He may be happy to keep things as they are---status quo.

 

You on the other hand, have a decision to make on whether or not you are happy with the way things are---and you may have to accept the chance that he may not want marriage, or children with you.

 

It may take some time to ponder all of this, but think through all of this as logically as you can. The decisions that you make about this may affect you in the long run. Think about what you really want; especially what you want in your long term future.

[bighair]

Hi,

 

I joined enotalone after my LTR of 7 years ended. I'm older than you...37. My ex is divorced and has one son. Our rel. ended in april of this year because my ex did not want to get married or have children...he said it could take him years to commit to marriage. i was crushed...he had been in therapy for a while.

 

you know...i waited for as long as i could and i couldn't stand it anymore. it had to end. he was never going to marry me. when it was ending i asked if he'd have a child with me and he said no. it was so heartbreaking.

 

i'm telling you this because i wish i was confident enough to leave my rel. 2 years earlier. i thought i would never find anyone else...and, well, i did love my ex and we had so much history.

 

i'm dating again and it isn't easy. i've met a man i like but things btw are a big slow going...i've posted on it...but, i keep my options open until i get a commitment from this guy. recently, i began to feel some hope for the future. it is possible to move on, and feel like you can love someone else.

 

you have to decide how long you're willing to wait. your partner may not be the marrying kind. my ex had a great deal of trouble planning for the future...maybe your guy does too. i don't know..you know him better.

 

decide how long you can wait, tell him of your dreams of marriage and family, set a time limit in your head and stick to it. i'm telling you that you can do it. you deserve to have what you want.

[moonbeam111]

This is your right to pursue your dream and get married if this is your dream. I don't think that nagging or putting pressure on him would work though. It's too bad that your relationship became toxic because you are not getting what you need and became resentful of him. He is not evil if he has decided that he did not want to have children or marriage.

Talk to him respectfully about his goals and your goals.

You also may want to visit a very good website for women in your situation link removed