she loves me , but says she cant commit

[Jupiter]

Ive been posting here for the last few days. Me and my ex have been

doing the whole half way broken up grind, It goes up and down.

I tried to do NC but she broke it and wanted to see me.

So last night we hung out , talked , and she stayed here with me.

I gave her a back rub , we slept , then in the morning she held me

then before I knew it we were making Love.

However she has alot going on in her head and tells me she loves me and

everything is going to be ok. But she is not ready to commit to me,

we had a good relationship. We both did things to screw it up.

I love her deeply , she knows that. I believe she loves me too

She says she needs to be 100% sure before she commits , I understand

that and I dont blame her. However , I want her back so bad.

So what should I do , wait ?

I just wonder how long this seeing each other without commitment will last.

[annie24]

how long were you two dating?

[freelove]

Hey Jupiter,

 

I'm kinda in the same boat as you. Our relationship is awesome, but she needs the whole time and space thing, yet at the same time really sees a future with me. We're not together but have been hanging out, sex, the whole shebang. It's kinda tough not knowing where you stand and from the sound of things, being with her is something YOU really want.

 

I guess you and me need to give them that space so they can figure it out, yet it's also kinda like being in limbo and not knowing what to expect, which totally sucks.

 

I dunno man, I'm kinda stuck myself. I hope it works out for you!

 

Annie, please could you check out my latest post and tell me what you think!!

 

: "It feels right for both, then why are we confused or is it just me?"

[ConfusedasEVER]

I tried to do NC but she broke it and wanted to see me.

 

This babe, is your first mistake. You TRIED, however your heart did not let you, and she knows that this is a fact, and she's using this for selfish motives.

 

Annie posed an excellent question, 'How long were you dating?'.

 

There are several ways you can approach this.

 

1) Initiate a very strict no-contact.

- This guarantees you will NOT be hurt.

- This obviously has gained her interest, for whatever reason.

 

2) Come out and ask her what in the HECK her problem is!

- This may startle her, as it is unexpected. But, as you can see, you are the one suffering in consequence to her benign behavior. She is telling you that she is 'unsure', and whatever that reason is, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Until she figures out what unannounced reason she is hesitant toward the relationship, she will not cease this behavior and it will continue to hurt you.

3) Move on, completely count her out and renounce any future hope of reconciliation.

- This I can guarantee is the hardest but sometimes most effective strategy in dealing with an unsure Ex. It's the all vs. nothing scenario. Once she realizes that she could possibly lose you forever, then this may produce desperation, which usually leads to action.

 

 

... in short, this is hurting you. She can see this, and continues to do so despite this fact. Be it or not that she is showing selfish motives, you need to protect your HEART and your interests - and tell her once and finally that you need a definite answer.

[Jupiter]

we had been dating for 4 years

She says she needs to be sure , like If we get back together it should be

forever.

[Jupiter]

Well now we are going to a party together a mutual friends birthday party.

I am a little confused as to how to handle this one.

How should I act around her , I feel nervous , almoast like a first date

silly huh ?

Well any advice would be good, anything I should do that might help

her twards her desicion ?

[ConfusedasEVER]

Well now we are going to a party together a mutual friends birthday party.

I am a little confused as to how to handle this one.

How should I act around her , I feel nervous , almoast like a first date

silly huh ?

Well any advice would be good, anything I should do that might help

her twards her desicion ?

 

 

1) Do not mention the relationship.

2) Show mild interest, do not stare, or become intimate in any way.

3) Act within her comfort level, if you can see what I'm getting at. Act how she's acting. But don't make it known that you still have feelings for her unless she specifically asks.

4) GOOD LUCK. Take it easy.

[Jupiter]

Too late for that , she already knows I have feelings for her,

LOL I woke up with her this morning

[ConfusedasEVER]

Too late for that , she already knows I have feelings for her,

LOL I woke up with her this morning

 

Um, lol. Then why are you asking how to behave around her at a party? LOL, I'd say be yourself, because obviously if she's in bed with you, she's comfortable with that.

[Jupiter]

well , we spent all last weekend together , we made alot of progress and

at times it felt like nothing was ever wrong,

She spent about as much time with me as she could. She went back to

School on Tuesday.

She called me last night to talk , just about regular stuff, I thought that

we were "back Together", but she talked to my friends wife and told her that

we were "doing good, but not 100%" .

Hmmmm what should I make of that? Should I asker about it ?

I dont want to push the issue , she did ask me what I was doing this weekend

So Ill probably see her. She also told me she loved me before we got off the

phone. So its not all bad , but It did kinda bother me that she said its not

100%. Should it bother me? Should I bring it up ? I dont wanna blow it.

[Jupiter]

I thought we were back together , I guess I was wrong

[whoops]

what the hell are you doing playing with your emotions like this - here is the deal and i learnt the hard way 4 years not wanting to commit then felt like it they ran a mile so what i ssay is after 4 years and you dont know move on it aint the one for you - fine you love each other but sometimes marriage i assume you are talking about cant just be about love and they arent the right ones - fi you dont know then move on or you will regret it - find someone that does know or you werent meant to be together the timing etc is important for these events not just love and maybe you are not in the right place - sorry to be harsh but it just doesnt look promising to me it looks like you guys are not ready and need space and not each other perhaps

 

think about it logically if you were objectively looking at it what woudl you say?

[Jupiter]

Well here we go again.

another weekend of hanging out , kissin huggin and all that

She still wont be my girl , I just want her to want me lol

I dont know how long i can wait or should wait for her to figure this out.

this really sucks for me , She says she loves me but cant commit cous shes

not sure that my changes are for real or a front,

[friscodj]

Hey J-man-

 

Well, I've read your posts, have been thinking about this for a while, and have some advice for you:

 

1) I have seen situations like this work out. In those instances, both people were consistently committed to working on specific issues which caused the break. Either they worked on and came to an understanding on the issue or simply accepted it. They either went to counseling and/or they worked on things themselves but the common denominators are they identified the issue, worked on it (they didn't just "wait and see what happens"), and they worked on it together.

 

Realize there was a pattern which you guys were conditioned to in the relationship. This obviously is not a good pattern because it led to the end of the relationship. So if and when you guys do take out the shovels and jackhammers and start sweating and doing the work here making this work, be cognizant of the fact that it will not feel natural at first, things probably won't feel "right" because what you guys know as "right" is the way that led to the end of the relationship. So realize this, tell her this, and know this is a good thing.

 

2) You need to find out why she contacted you and what her motivation is here. You also need to ask yourself questions as well. This is huge. You should ask her if she "loves you" or is "in" love with you. Also ask her if she confused "missing you" and "hurting so much to be without you" with being in love with you and feeling like you guys belong in a relationship. My guess is, she thought the latter, but now that things are real again, she is finding they are not what she expected. Is she in this to ease her pain? What specific reasons do you have to think she will "come around"? Or do you feel she is trying to ease herself out of this or "have her cake and eat it too"?

 

And take her verbal answers and the answers her actions give you together. I also think it is important that you answer these questions for yourself. This is your life, this is your heart. We as Internet strangers can guide you, but ultimately you are the boss of yourself and your life and make the decisions for such.

 

3) During the relationship, she had her gripes with you and you with her. I looked back on my last relationship and remembered times whe she would tell me things, multiple times over the course of the relationship, maybe even in passing, and I was off thinking about something else or didn't really understand what she was really trying to say. It's really easy for both people to get complacent in a 4-year relationship. How does this apply to you and her? What things was she trying to tell you during the relationship that didn't really sink in at those times? And what are those for her regarding you as well? Let her know both sides of your answers here.

 

4) There is a fine line between "trying" and "jerking you around". You need to be honest about how you feel about this. We all don't see the very important communication components of her body language, her tone, or yours. You need to detach a bit from your feelings and look at this. If you feel like she is more interested in a "friendship" at this point (even friendship sprinkled with hugging and kissing) while your heart is deep in this like it is, or she continues to be wishy washy with you without really answering your questions or putting in real effort, that's not good and you need to trust your judgement on this and do what you know to be the right thing despite how you feel. The extent of how long you "wait" on this is entirely up to you and your level of patience.

 

So give this all you have, exhaust your options so you can 5, 10, 15 years down the road look back and say you gave this everything you had, without regrets. You can only ask the best of yourself given the situation with what you have and where you are in life. So do it...and expect nothing less from her either.

 

And remember you were doing good when you were gone. You don't need this relationship. Remember that...

[Daddy Bear]

you can't make a flower bloom by tearing open the bud. simply put: if you want this thing to flow, you have to have patience.

[Jupiter]

Sigh*

Well this post is really helping me ,please keep the comments coming,

Im getting confused again , she seems so distant to me , Im wondering

If NC would work again ? She would probably think it was weird for me

to just stop contact , It might mess up our progress though,

Im impatient , gettin tired of waiting,

[river dog]

If NC would work again ? She would probably think it was weird for me

to just stop contact , It might mess up our progress though,

Im impatient , gettin tired of waiting

 

Then tell her you're tired and bored and say goodbye; wish her luck. Then NC. If she wants you she will come back. It is very hard but ultimately a postive action on your part to get back some control and your self-respect, maybe even some respect from her.

[friscodj]

Sigh*

Well this post is really helping me ,please keep the comments coming,

Im getting confused again , she seems so distant to me , Im wondering

If NC would work again ? She would probably think it was weird for me

to just stop contact , It might mess up our progress though,

Im impatient , gettin tired of waiting,

 

What you should do first is get a grip on yourself, realize your life does not depend on this woman nor what comes of this situation, and life will go on. Get a grip so you can think clearly about this situation. This should give you some needed patience as well.

 

Focus on your life, your stuff, your happiness as well aside from this situation.

[Daddy Bear]

What you should do first is get a grip on yourself, realize your life does not depend on this woman nor what comes of this situation, and life will go on. Get a grip so you can think clearly about this situation. This should give you some needed patience as well.

 

Focus on your life, your stuff, your happiness as well aside from this situation.

 

enthusiastically seconded.

[CrossCheck75]

Jupiter, "patience" seems to be the prevailing prescription here, but I do feel that it fails to take into account the FOUR YEARS you've been awaiting this committment. If it had been four months, and things were otherwise great between you in terms of all other relational aspects, I'd say to be patient and just continue to nurture this thing as it progresses. In your case, however, nothing appears to be progressing after several years...

 

If I may direct you to my thread in Relationship Conflicts titled "Games, Revenge Within Relationships?" read and reflect upon what Friscodj had to say about "truth" and questioning thyself, then check out how MissM speaks of your mate's inability to "mirror the level of interest and committment." While our situations aren't identical, there is a common underlying theme here.

 

Four years later you need to post here about her unwillingness to commit?! You have to liberate yourself at some point. I am apparently considerably less patient than yourself, as I wouldn't tolerate the refusal to communicate or the feeling of being marginalized for one year. I'm at the 10 month mark and edging closer to a scorched earth ending in my relationship. Nonetheless, this is about you...

 

I'm sure you've tried everything over those four years EXCEPT one thing-- determining once and for all that she will never give you as much as you desire and demand from a relationship! Once you do, the healing can begin. Killing a cancer is anything but comfortable or pretty, but is necessary for self-preservation!

 

[dreamguy]

I'd go with option 3 recommended by ConfuseAsEver's:

 

3) Move on, completely count her out and renounce any future hope of reconciliation.

- This I can guarantee is the hardest but sometimes most effective strategy in dealing with an unsure Ex. It's the all vs. nothing scenario. Once she realizes that she could possibly lose you forever, then this may produce desperation, which usually leads to action.

 

That's the only option that makes your ex take a decision and the only option that let's you find out their REAL feelings for you when they dump you or give you the "I need time" thing.

Good luck !

[whoops]

sorry but once again - one who cant commit after 4 years there is no point with so many doubts to carry on. The world has given you the rationale as to why it cant go on and you may hurt now but it is the worlds way of letting you know she aint the one. The one is the person who says yes after 4 years.

 

I know i went through the same thing but we both couldnt commit and felt things externally were affecting us and we werent suited - it was good decision and maybe i should have made it earlier but at least it is done now and i dont regret it for second - i am happier with me and can move on and find someone else who is right for me then swimming in my own poo which is what you are doing to yourself

 

Stop emotionally picking on yourself this way and tell her it is over! She cant commit you are wasting your time and miss right is there out there ready for you whilst you waste time with someone not sure if she is coming or going and after 4 years as the wise people here tell me one should know which way to go.

[friscodj]

That's the only option that makes your ex take a decision and the only option that let's you find out their REAL feelings for you when they dump you or give you the "I need time" thing.

Good luck !

 

I'd be careful with using this approach as a tactic to "sift out" the real feelings. If you pull this gun, you better be ready to fire it or have it jam and blow up in your face.

 

If you really want to be gone from this situation, then be gone. Anything else is playing games.

[dreamguy]

I'd be careful with using this approach as a tactic to "sift out" the real feelings. If you pull this gun, you better be ready to fire it or have it jam and blow up in your face.

 

If you really want to be gone from this situation, then be gone. Anything else is playing games.

 

I guess I should have added that this option also means taking the risk of losing her if she doesn't cave in.

But when someone dumps you I think there are two options:

 

1) You follow them around and you most likely end up driving them away (So you lose).

 

2) You give them the space they need and again there are two outcomes:

a) They realize they really love you and come back (You win).

b) They realize they don't love you and they walk away (You win).

 

friscodj, I think you're talking about option 2b).

Well I think you still come out as a winner because you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't want you anyway. Better to have them walk away at the beginning then after marriage.

Besides you have to draw the line at some point in time. Otherwise your ex might string you along for years.

 

On a lighter note, I've read some of your replies and I think you give great advice.

[Jupiter]

Well She came over and hung out on Sunday evening. we had a good time,

watched a movie. She stayed until she had no time left and it got late.

This kinda showed me that she really did want to be there.

She had school the next day, but decided that she would just drive there early

monday morning , (She usually goes back to her appt on sunday evening)

So ... she is trying I can see that for the first time since the breakup,

she is making time for me again. This is a good sign.

She still doesnt want to officially get (back together) yet , but she is

warming up to me again , she kisses me and tells me she loves me ,

She knows i want her back , and she tells me everything is going to be ok.

She just wants things to happen naturaly between us.

In response to some of the replies ( we were commited to each other)

we were a couple for 4 years , it was great.

It was because of my depression that things went bad.