bro

[locee]

I am just trying to understand what went wrong and this forum seemed to have good insight. I started a relationship with a guy before I knew he was engaged, when I subsequently found out, I told him that we could not go on or that he needed to break up with his girlfriend/fiance of 10 years. He did do it and after a month we became an item (stupid me)..anyways, needless to say (as hindsight is always 20/20) he didn't take the time to get over her properly and would not break contact with her or tell her about our relationship. I even told him to go back to her if that is what he wanted. He didn't and stayed with me and said he really wanted to be with me and there relationship was one of convenience. Needless, to say after a year he broke it off with me and told me that he wanted to go back to his ex to see if things could work? I am definitely trying very hard to move..but I am just trying to understand their mindset. He just seemed like he wanted to move on with me and really wanted change in his life...and now I feel so stupid like I was a pawn in another couple's chessgame.

 

I know it is definitely over but I must admit that I just want to know if I was the only dysfxnal person in the mix. In the end, he made it seem like him and his ex had always been happy together, even though saying that she was self-centered and that he was a giver and she was a taker. In addition, he said that even though I am more giving he just wanted her and that he was very compatible with her. I guess in my own stupid world I find that hard to believe since he broke up with her for a whole year and went out with me. I think it is hard for me to accept also b/c she had him send an email to me that he doesn't want to ever talk to me ever again even though she said she might not take him back. What is wrong with me? How can a man love a woman like that so much? I sometimes wonder if it b/c I am not attractive enough (but I think I am ok)

 

In his last email to me he said that he loved this girl more than anything in the world and he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore if he wanted a chance to get back together with her. It has been hard for me not to be jealous b/c I just figure they will live happily ever after, but now I am beginning to realize it doesn't matter. But I won't lie, I hope he just realizes that just b/c he puts up this front of amazing humbleness and kindness that goodness comes from the inside.

 

any insight would be very much appreciated!

[babycristy456]

Well from what I read, this is what I think.

He was with you for a year, but he was with her for 10 and engaged to her. Maybe this was a test in their relationship. It sucks for the fact that this guy probably wasted a year out of your life, but just try to move on from him.

 

Maybe he realized that he made a mistake leaving her and wants to make up for it now. I think you should not try to interfere because he might end up getting really upset at you. Just let him work his thing out.

 

In the mean time, just try to move on and live your own life.

 

Good Luck though!

[Ash]

Why do you think you are dysfunctional? It sounds like you did everything okay to me. You told him to go back to her if that's what he wanted. The issues seem to mostly have been with him. You are right, he never really got over her in the first place. In essense, it's pretty much like he was already married and you were (I'm sad to say) an affair for him.

 

I'm sure you definitely made him happy for a while, and would likely have continued to do so, but he was forced to make a final decision whether he wanted to be with his fiance or not. Sounds like she put pressure on him about it.

 

In a way, he might have convinced himself he loves her more than anything because he was faced with the threat of loosing her forever. On the other hand, maybe he (wrongly) feels like you might still be there if it doesn't work out unless you've told him never to contact you again.

 

It does sound a bit like you've been part of some situation between the two of them, but don't feel bad about that part. Certainly don't feel stupid. I don't see how you could have known, or done anything differently. Don't blame yourself for any of this. I think you are the one with the kindness.

 

Tuck it under your belt as a (rather painful) life experience, and start looking to the future. You obviously are attractive in some (maybe many)ways, whether you seem to think that or not. Don't worry about that part of it. You did actually cause him to break up with his fiance for a whole year, and you didn't realize at the time there was somebody else. Isn't that a bit of a confidence booster?

[locee]

Thanks for both of your replies...I understand what both of you had said and agree. Unfortunately, it is hard for me to believe that people use others like that..I guess i am naive and for me it is hard to believe that two people could really be so in love when the only reason he started talking to her again was that she called him to tell him that she started having sex with someone else to make him jealous. This seems like really immature behavior for a 10 year relationship.

 

I guess I just feel had and stupid for investing so many of my emotions in this.

 

Do you think they are just co-dependent or do you think that just needed a break and i was it for them?

[babycristy456]

You never really know anything for sure. There are always "ifs" and "buts" and confusion in our minds. But I have to say that 10 years is a long time. I also would like for you to put yourself in her position. She was engaged, about to be married, and her fiance has an affair with another woman. He leaves her. Now he wants her back. What is she to do? I think I would put alot of pressure on him as well, because I would not want what happened b4 to happen again. How do you know she is forcing him to send emails and disconnect from you completely? Maybe it is his choice as well.

 

By anymeans, he told you that he doesn't want to lose this last chance with her. Try to understand him, even though he is a jerk and wasted a year out of your life. It is his decision. If he is not happy for the rest of his life, that's his problem. Just don't be a rebound girl for him. Don't let him think that he can come back to you if things don't work out.

 

Stand your grounds and let yourself be respected. Not some second choice.

 

Good Luck with everything and I hope it turns out for the best at the end.

[locee]

no- trust me I think he is the lame one no matter what this other woman is like--and I do feel for her--if it wasn't for me calling her she never would have known about all his lies in the first place.--and yes he makes his own choices!

 

But as far as them being engaged--they had been engaged for over two years with no plans to marry and I didn't even know until after he started something with me.

 

On a good note, a month ago I did tell him that if things did not work out to not ever contact me or try to come back to me b/c I must move on..so that I feel good about.

 

I think the hardest part is that I am definitely facing the reality--but man the reality is painful- It is hard to not feel compared in this situation.

 

I mean frankly I just want to get over the pain b/c I am definitely wanting to move on and hopefully just be happy with myself for awhile.

[Ash]

I doubt he really meant to use you. It may be that's what he ended up doing, but probably never meant it to turn out the way it did. But I can't say for sure.

 

We have to invest emotions into relationships if we are to get out of them what their full potential is. And we have to base that investiture on what we consider to be the facts at the time. If it goes wrong, there are always regrets, and what if's that haunt us for a long time. But I think that's just the way it is sometimes. With strong feelings come large hurts at the end, if and when the end arrives. People who don't want ot take the risk may never know how good it can be when it's great, but also are spared the distress at the other end.

 

Try not to feel compared. Or if you do, try not to think you came up second. Emotions don't work that way to most people. It probably isn't that she's better in many ways than you, more likely there's just more history, and over the years he has likely put a lot into that relationship. It's only natural that he has, considering the time they were previously together.

 

The fact you want to move on is very good, and the fact you've let him know you're no longer open to any further interest from him is good. You're putting it behind you, which is for the best. Hopefully, when the next great thing in your life occurs, it will work out better for you. Try not to hold back too much, but be careful for a little while until your feelings level out a bit more.

[digitaldiva]

This exact same thing happened to me. I have realized that I did have warning signs and did not follow my intuition a lot of times. I feel like I am learning from mistakes but I have a hard time not thinking of pushing him in front of a mac truck!!

 

Live and learn....