How do you let go?

[ILovePasta]

How does a person let go of someone they love more than life itself? Even after you've stepped back and anaylized over and over in your mind all the things you don't like about a person, and the reasons why it wouldn't work in the long term, but you still can't picture life without them.

 

After you've reasoned out in your mind why a person does the things they do, and arrived to conclusion that they do it because they love you, but yet at the sametime it's done in a way that is not compatible for your liking.

 

My situation is similar to probably 99% of the people on this forum. The basic thing here is that I do very much love my gf, and I know she very much loves me. But, the things we fight about, the arguments and more importantly, how they get handled, make me realize in my HEAD there is no long term happiness for her and I. But we are so compatible in so many ways.

 

How do you let go of a person so perfectly imperfect for you?

[psu11]

But, the things we fight about, the arguments and more importantly, how they get handled, make me realize in my HEAD there is no long term happiness for her and I

 

this line really stuck out to me. and its the realization i came to in one of my past relationships. i stayed in the relationship a good 4 months after coming to this conclusion. now that i look back, i wonder why i ever did such a thing. if you dont think there will be long term happiness for the both of you, your only being selfish holding on the relationship. i think your more fearful of the short term pain the initial break up will cause the both of you. and the pain is just that....short term.

 

its been three years since i ended the relationship with the ex i was referring to above. the longer i stayed in the relationship the unhappier i became..so ending it was one of the best decisions i ever made...of course i didnt think so at the time, but you grow. i realized you cant hold onto something just because your afraid of change.

 

best of luck to you

cheers

[doyathink]

Some times love just isn't enough. you have to be compatible for it to work.

[ILovePasta]

*sigh*, in my head I know this could and most likely will be the case in the future. The hurt is 'short term' and a part of me thinks...rather, knows that down the road I'll look back on this and realize the same things you have. However, as a person living in the present, that foreseeable future seems almost as distant as the sun.

 

The question still remains, how do you let someone go? I suppose I already know the answer... and I don't know if Im strong enough to stick to it.

[ILovePasta]

Some times love just isn't enough. you have to be compatible for it to work.

 

Ah, the ever immortal debate....

 

Some say, "All you need is love."

 

Others say, "Sometimes love just isn't enough."

 

I wonder what God would say?

[DN]

Before you write this relationship off- what have you done to resolve these issues and how have you gone about dealing with them?

 

Good relationships involve compromise and negotiation - and that can be a difficult process to learn. Many people think they have already tried - when in reality they haven't either tried enough or in the right way.

[desertnomad]

I totally 100 percent agree with DN's post. Most people think they've tried but in reality they've hardly done anything constructive at all and only 'feel' that they have tried. I think there are alot of things that can be done like counseling or church groups or whatever that can help two people resolve their differences. I think a big part of it is just learning to communicate better with each other. That can really help if both people are willing to be honest and real. Nothings going to help though if both people arent truly committed to the relationship.

[ILovePasta]

Before you write this relationship off- what have you done to resolve these issues and how have you gone about dealing with them?

 

Good relationships involve compromise and negotiation - and that can be a difficult process to learn. Many people think they have already tried - when in reality they haven't either tried enough or in the right way.

 

It's been a 3.5 yr relationship with its natural ups and downs. We've done everything, but professional consuling to try and work through the differences that have arisen, but when you step back and look at things from the bigger picture standpoint, it really comes down to personality.

 

When she is angry, she says very hurtful things.... things that im sure she doesn't mean. I've told her many times, and still nothing. We try to compromise on our social lives, and yet in the end, it never really lasts. The main point being, concerns and wants in our relationship falls on deaf ears; from BOTH of us.

 

I think ultimately, we both are selfish people. Not in a materiastic way, but rather an emotional one.

[DN]

Well, if you are both selfish that is a problem that you will both have in any subsequent relationships - so maybe it would be better to get help to stop being selfish and save this one.

 

Try professional counselling - what have you got to lose?

[ILovePasta]

Well, if you are both selfish that is a problem that you will both have in any subsequent relationships - so maybe it would be better to get help to stop being selfish and save this one.

 

Try professional counselling - what have you got to lose?

 

For those who have actually had professional counseling...does it really work? I would assume the main goal is trying to pinpoint what the exact problem(s) are and then finding a workable compromise to fix them.

[talo]

You have mentioned compromise a couple of times here. What do you consider compromise is? What do you consider is comromised? Is it somehow 'not quite right' for you? Do you feel compromised after compromise? In other words do you feel somehow slightly resentful, bitter, that compromise has been necessary or required?

 

What has actually been compromised? Isn't it your self-image, your sense of 'who you are'?

 

And falling in love has done something to this image anyway hasn't it? I mean, when you are in love there is no self-image is there? So isn't love requiring that you lovingly (gradually) let go of this self-image?

 

And is this the problem? And is this problem really going to be fixed by compromise or letting go?

 

So whether you stay or go, the problem is still the same, isn't it?