emalkoc Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I dont know this is bizarre, but after reading this site I feel much better..I hope this is not too long to read! Gosh some many like having same experiences...I thought I was the only even to my threapist So I deciced to write to get your opinions! 15 mos relationship after both having divorced identitically about same time after 2-3 mos...Most say wrong idea! yeah... First, 12 mos is perfect and everything was going better than we both expected...I was in total of control of things, I mean give and take...But as soon as I started to think of marriage with her, I started pushing her away...I mean I started to give her hard time to see if she is going to accept or deny situations. According to my therapist, this is the baggage left over from divorce...afraid of making same mistakes and over analyzing and testing areas..Anyways, towards end of May, I had other troubles in my life, work and divorce....And she was leaving for Mexico for 2 mos for temp assignment..where things started edgey And we were talking about our future and we both loved each other, but I was afraid to make any commitment and I told her that I may be not around when she came back to town, because I was not sure I was going to get laid off and I want to move wherever jobs are...She made it clear that she does not want to follow a man because of job situation...and I seriously started looking jobs outside of state. And, we had some family issues, she wanted to spend every weekend with her family almost and I wanted to have some space during though days...This caused a 1 week break up in May but we quickly recovered...Anyways, she went to MExico with a bitter taste. But she felt that I ignored or dislike her family, which was not the case, since I always invited her to my house and always had fun...Anyways, she wanted to find some reasons to get out of relationship I guess.. While she was in Mexico, my work stabilzed and I stayed here and then thought about family engagements and I thought I can work on them and told her after month later. While all of this, we exchanged a lot of IMs, emails and phone calls, how much we miss each other etc...But, when I called then she said it is too late and she cried 2 hours and she said how could I done such a thing since she prepared herself for break-up..obviously we went in opposite directions. So she wants to move on because she does not believe I could change my opinion that quick about location and family...excuse! She came back to town 7 weeks ago and wanted to meet me quickly and I told her the same thing at that moment. She cried and she said she loves me but she cannot come back and I need sometime to settle on my decisions...bla bla...since then couple attempts and wants to keep friendship and wants to know what I am doing...Finally, I told her she has a problem with relationship that she does not want to work on them she said that she does not want because she tends to fix issues which she should not. When I confronted her there is no such a person without problems, she was confused Then, I cut the contact 3-4 days, she left a voice message crying she is OK if I dont want to talk to her anymore and she is sorry that she hurt me someways...Guilt... Then, I sent her a email that told her how much I love her and thanks very much, and the best for her message...and if she changes her mind to work on relationship, I am here! She responded with email and talked on the phone, I dont understand her and she is feeling confused how I could change so much. Since then, I sent her a joke email about fertility clinich failure and she responded back, she is having 2nd thoughts about this...The day later, she phoned me and left a message wanting to talk to me. When I called her, she said that she wants to come with me to therapist which I asked her several weeks ago and she had declined then, she did not want to go to a therapist with me. But this time, I asked her something changed in her mind because of this, she said she wants to help me out to see my problems better and she is basically responding to my request...That bothered me even more and I got little angry on the phone, I told her we better not talk anymore unless she wants to work on our issues and no more contact please...But I told her I will ask my therapist whether this is a good idea or not..Anyways, She said yes, and she will be coming with next week... I wonder whether she is doing this because she is feeling guilt and she is trying to justify her action by coming and proving to me and therapist OR She is really intending to come back and but she is so confused and she is having difficulty to jump from zero to relatioship and using this as an excuse...if this is the case, was NC bad idea since she was having fun talking to on IMs. I am not having contact since Thursday but this morning she IM'ed me again asking about the appoinment schedule and I sent her an email..She said she reserved the timeslot etc...And Take Care...I hate the take care which means friends only... Cheers Thanks everyone... btw...My therapist thinks after reading all our emails and IMs, we both love each other a lot, but she has some problems with our relationship regards to family issues..And she is confused and If I push her really hard, she may consider coming back but may not be good for the long term... Link to comment
rightfromthestart Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 wow...any advice i could give ya would just muddy the water.... it really looks from an outsiders point of view...that when presented with what she needs and wants, she pushed away...and u thinking u are giving her what she is asking for, and seeing her pull away, makes u try harder... i suggest you by a duplex and leave next door to each other and have a secret trap door between both homes so those frisky kitten moments Link to comment
emalkoc Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 hahaha! I like your answer...it is hard to read whether she wants to play this game or being direct...Some thinks she likes to play, some thinks she is not manipulating...But regardless, we are are not together...that's the fact.. Thanks anyways... Link to comment
Heartshock Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Hi Emalkoc, Okay, So your feelings start growing for this chick, and you emotionally head for the hills. Not unusual. It's natural for humans to protect themselves. And I'm sure anyone would understand your reaction considering the divorce. However, have you actually told her this in retrospect? Exactly what was going on in your head. Or more to the point, Can you tell her this? Can you have the Heart-to-Heart, Soul-to-Soul, the honest, the deep, the down conversation. Bottom Line, do you feel you can trust her? If NO keep on walking out that door. No shame in it, but you aren't ready to put in on the line with her. Maybe you have your reasons, maybe you don't, but fact is, this relationship isn't going to happen without out an upfront policy, and if it does it will wobble off the rails exactly as it did before. And for exactly the same reasons. If YES - The imformation you've put in this thread needs to be TOLD. You know what I saying? There you are, as she heads out the door to work in Mexico - you say, "Bye, Honey, have a swell time, and by the way I might not be in town when you get back." How was you expecting her to deal with the news? "Yeah, cool, its been swell, maybe see ya around." Her faith and trust in you has nosed dived. It's non existent right now. She loves ya but doesn't trust you as far as she can throw you, which is why she is flaking all over the place. As far as she's concerned you could take off at any time. Hell, the only reason your in town is cause your job worked out. So she thinks! Nothing to do with her right. Yeah yeah! You said ya loved her, but if another jobs comes up you'll be accross that state so fast her head will turn, and without a backward glance. You are now at a crossroads. And what a tough one. Take the relationship to the next level by praying to God you can trust her with the truth in all its glorious vulnerability OR move on, knowing that it was the wrong time, the past looms large and you are still working through that. Link to comment
emalkoc Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 Heartshock, you are right! I told her everyting what it was going in my mind several times in last 4-5 weeks, and that's why she is confused because my behaviour and what I was thinking were inconsistent...I understand your comment about mexico..I sabotaged my relationship! The reasons behind I did let her go while she in Mexico are very complicated. involves divorce artifacts along with child hood insecruities to loving her so much and dont want to hurt her anyways... But, the fact the matter, I dont want to move to another state anymore because I have finally settled down the idea this is my home after really sole searching...the reason I say this now because I declined a job in another state with 2x salary. And, she knows and learned that well too...Hence she has been trying to contact w/ me in last 2 weeks via IM or phones...Now, I cut her off because she keeps saying the same...She is giving tons of reasons we should not be together..but She cries when she leaves a message on my phone...go figure! my threpist thinks she very confused! damn right... Anyways, I am pretty much convinced that she loves me but she does not want to be together whatever reasons and she is using me as a backup until she is convinced someone else is not out there! ...You cannot just let someone go in 2 mos if you really really love...I speak from past experience. You will make whatever takes to work it out. before she went to mexico, she told me and wrote me that "if I ended up staying in town" we will work on our issues and should be together...duhhh! I suspect that she is with someone not serious but developing...She did say she had a friend in Mexico and only held hands...etc...IMO, she cheated, does not want to hurt me...because she thought we were off! so she is right logically...and she cried so much while telling about this guy when she came back and she asked whether I would forgive her or not... so anyways, my point is that I may have up and downs and she needs to understand that...same as hers. If it is meant to be, it will be at this point Thanks for comments! Eric Link to comment
emalkoc Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 We are back together as of yesterday She called me and she said that she wants to get back.. now I will have a lunch with her and start dating again from fresh start Hope everyine sticks to NC...works! Eric Link to comment
Heartshock Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Whoo-hoo! Congratulations Eric, I wish you all the best Link to comment
emalkoc Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Hey Heartschock! Thanks very much! I would advise everyone to make their points before starting NC...And make sure get out and enjoy until she or he will come back! because if they are really in love with you, they will! if not, you are still the winner because you are not with someone not in love! Good luck to everyone...and dont take your love and relationship for granted anytime! Cheers Link to comment
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