When there is no 'reason' for the breakup..

[shikashika]

... I find it really hard to move on..

 

I have been keeping NC, except for a brief encounter with the ex and a small email ensued... but nothing more than that fo the past 6 weeks since the breakup.

 

its easy for everyone to tell me to 'move on'... "forget about him"... or " dont' waste your time thinking about WHY"... or "think abotu healing yourself, don't worry about him"..bla!!

 

If I was a robot and had an on / off switch yes I could do this..

 

When I first asked my ex what the reason was he said " I don't know, I don't know".. then when I asked again, right in the middle fo the breakup he said" don't know if i'm nuts about you"...but then when i ran into him later and we had a little chat, he said, ' yeah of course i was interested... I just don't know what it was..

 

So I said, look, I'd really appreciate a reason, no matter what it was, why you just didn't dig me all of a sudden... and he starts giving me examples of his friend who was recently divorced or his brother's horrible breakup.. and they had told him they should have realised it from the start (I don't know why I'm being compared to some of his friends exes??... a complete insult as these women were nutty and me and my ex never even had a spat, or argument!) and he has these friends who 'knew' after two weeks they were going to be together forever... and he said " i want a relationship like that"

 

Well there is no use in me trying to 'reason with him.. it seems like i get a different 'excuse'.. and I know he's not going to give me it.

 

I just wish I had some idea. Everyone who breaks up seems to have some reason, like nagging, personality traits, distance, work... culture... he couldn't even give me anything... Ok, he feels we ddin't click.. but he didn't even try to MAKE UP some reason...

 

I really don't believe he doesn't know... he has said he really doesn't... he just expects this sparkly bowl of cherries for the whole time?? just because his friends 'knew' after 2 weeks , doesn't mean most people do.

 

I could never imagine breaking up with someone, and having no clue myself why i wasn't into them..

 

the NC is really difficult.. but i truly believe.. if i at least KNEW.. I could have a little cry and try to move on... never once begged or said 'give me a another chance'... or tried to reason with him...

[rightfromthestart]

if someone asks you why they usually wants to know how to become better at relastionships, get there other perspective...that fact that he is asking tells u he is secure....if the other person doesn't respond to your question, its could be for many reasons...or none at all. and when u think about it, if they don't respond, that is your answer

[Shadows Light]

He maybe telling you the truth.. he simply doesn't know. It may be all him for that matter and have nothing to do with you personally. Maybe, you are the greatest thing next to sliced bread... and he just doesn't feel worthy of you.

 

I had an ex... who broke up with me becaue he felt he wasn't WORTHY of me yet. It wasn't that years later, I found out that he'd been contemplating asking me to marry him. He'd talked to his father about it and his dad told him he wasn't a "MAN" yet and had no business thinking about marriage. His dad told him he needed to finish college and to be able to support himself first before he contemplated marriage to anyone.

 

I can see his dads point. He was right. Had he asked me to marry him ...THEN... I too was too young and too foolish and too blind in love .. I'd have said.. YES. With time comes wisdom.. and today I'd say.. HE!! no.. what in the world are you thinking???? make sense????

 

Your BF may also be being influenced by what is happening around him with relationships. I have a brother who is practically a EUNICH... why?? becaue he has nothing but the "Bad Relationships" that he see's from friends and family as an example. The way he feels about it is....

"OH HE!! NO... I don't need that head-ache" And "THAT" is his choice.

 

Whats the saying.. "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved or been loved at all"

 

When I tried to patch things up with my "X"... we were in counseling. And I offered up a "long laundry list" of things that drove me nuts about him. Which by the way was NOT the complete list..but it was a GREAT start. lol. And my "X" said... "Well you weren't the perfect wife either."

 

OK... so lets here it. WHAT can I do to change? What is there that I need to work on?

 

HIs answer... "I'm not like you.. I don't keep score"

 

So... we've since gone our separate ways. He's got a list of things that he "CAN" work on. And me?? well... I need to do the escavation by myself... and figure out where I could have been different. What I might do differently in the future. Because I do realize that I OWN 50% of this dibacle. My counselor said.. you may never know from him all the why's.. but he OWNS that reality... you can only own your own and go from there. "Let it go".

 

Give yourself time. Right now you sound like you are in the "BARGAINING" stage of the Grieving process. You'll go through all 5 stages of grieving before you reach... acceptance.

[shikashika]

if someone asks you why they usually wants to know how to become better at relastionships, get there other perspective...that fact that he is asking tells u he is secure....if the other person doesn't respond to your question, its could be for many reasons...or none at all. and when u think about it, if they don't respond, that is your answer

 

sorry, maybe i'm missing something... but he isn't asking me anything!

 

so my answer is that he doesn't respond?!?

 

After one or two dates if you don't hear from someone.. ok. easy to let it go.. but when you've been in a relationship.. i don't get why he doesn't know... i really really don't!

[shikashika]

 

 

Give yourself time. Right now you sound like you are in the "BARGAINING" stage of the Grieving process. You'll go through all 5 stages of grieving before you reach... acceptance.

 

thanks!

 

out of curiosity... how am I in the bargaining stage? I'm not trying to win him back... I just want to figure out what went wrong... as i have no clue!!!

 

If i fail something, or get a bad result from anything.. i find it way easier to move forward... if i'm even given a teeny tiny inkling of what caused the problem

[shikashika]

thanks ellie,

 

that was the one time i was in contact with him... and i said in an email..

 

look, i'd really appreciate it if you could give me an explanation or reason as to why it didn't work out for you. Please take you time and get back to me when you can"

 

and he responded right away, " I honestly have no concrete reason.. i can't put my finger on it"

 

 

I really wish he just had cheated on me.. or thought i was annoying, or too short or my boobs are too small... or SOMETHING!!

 

I really don't have any idea at all

[rightfromthestart]

shallow it down...jagged little pill....hey, follow alanis's lead! lol

[psu11]

hey shikashika,

 

my ex broke up with me for the exact same reasons 3 months ago...he told me i was a great gf and that there was nothing wrong with the relationship. so after dating him for a year and a half, this completely came out of the blue..and like you, i was left with a ton of answered questions. i wanted to know where i went wrong...what we've could of done to stop this from happening...i had a million questions.

 

i pretty much did NC accept for the one time we were around mutual friends about 2 weeks after we split. we didnt really get into our relationship, the only question i asked him was how long he'd been contemplating breaking up with me...he told me not very long, AND HE DIDNT REGRET HIS DECISION...

 

that right there, was the closure i needed. he didnt need to give me any answers because i realized if he didnt regret this decision, he didnt deserve my mental energy over comtemplating what went wrong in our relatonship.

 

so my advice to you is...sometimes you have to leave the dumper with their uncertainities...for every unanswered question your ex may answer, there will be a million more unanswered questions that will pop up in your head...

 

i to, thought it would be easier to move on if there where trust issues or something that i could improve on for future relationships, but thats not always the case. use those qualites which make you a great girlfriend and for now, learn to put all that energy into yourself, and eventually..into someone who truly deserves what you have to offer. as for your ex...dont fight for someone who wont fight for you.

 

cheers

[talo]

If someone has left and says they do not know why, then you know why don't you? I mean, not knowing why is as good a reason as any other isn't it? I mean, even if he said such and such is wrong with you, how would that help?

 

If 'what is wrong with you' was a major thing, how can you change it? And if a minor thing, and he left for such a minor thing, then how much did he love you?

[shikashika]

^^ well no... not really...its like saying "because" is an acceptable answer..

 

if you were fired from your job, and asked 'but why?" and they said "i don't know"... would you be able to accept it as an answer and just move on??

[talo]

well no... not really...its like saying "because" is an acceptable answer..

 

Things do not happen for only one or even several thousand reasons, they happen because everything else happens or "because.....". Finding one or two reasons (or even several thopusand) for something happening is not the real reason.

 

if you were fired from your job, and asked 'but why?" and they said "i don't know"... would you be able to accept it as an answer and just move on??

 

What difference would it make whether I accepted it or not? The only real difference being my state of mind. If my mind is not in an acceptable state, then it is likely that I will not find this acceptable. On the other hand if my mind is in an acceptable (agreeable) state, then it is likely that I will accept this.

 

Isn't this a matter of whether we wish to stay, or become, upset or not?

[icarus27]

shikashika,

 

Like in your case, my ex-gf could only say "I don't know, I don't know" when asked why she felt she couldn't go on with me. A lot later she was finally able to text that there was no spark between us.

 

I can sense how lost you feel with no concrete reason given at all. I have had a hard time understanding that sometimes one person in the relationship loses the feeling, the commitment that made it possible in the first place, starts to lessen. I am still not anywhere near understanding. For me, I keep thinking it must have been something I'd done, or I'd said, and my mind cruelly replays all the instances from the last few months when she was put out.

 

In all honesty, there was only one time when I regrettably did something to upset her on purpose - I was being petulant and went out to see a male friend rather than be with her one evening, because she had made too many commitments with other friends for two previous nights running at a time I'd said I wanted to see her.

 

Besides that comes a list of small misunderstandings that also preys on my mind. Ellie2006 said a wise thing - wanting to know so badly what went wrong can take the spotlight off what is really important for you and for me now - to heal, to be able to function well in the present and be able to look to the future. Alas, all this is still out of my reach right now.

 

I neither want to break NC to find out what my ex-gf thinks, nor am I really at peace in my existence now. In the end, i wonder if people like you and me just have to be able to accept the validity of going on regardless of not knowing what it was that went wrong. To draw a line under it.

 

Easier said than done. Like you, i felt strongly for my ex-partner. Over the course of a year she became central to my life. And yet we were both busy people with outside commitments, which ended up putting such pressure on us that it was hard to get quality time. We both made sacrifices, sometimes the other did not see it and that in turn bred resentment. No-one is sorrier than me that things became this way.

[psu11]

im curious...

 

in instances where "no spark" was the reason...is this feeling perminant? or do some couples split up for years and when seeing eachother again by chance..the spark is back?

[shikashika]

icarus27,

 

you sound like me... i guess i've always been a person who asks 'why why why'... really difficult for mr to move on if i don't have any clue... and yeah if they lose the spark... why don't they ever talk about it... say, hey there's something wrong here, and see what BOTH partners can do... to just all of a sudden say "yea over i dont' know why'... especially when THEY are the ones who initiated EVERYTHING!!!

[paulapalooza]

^^ well no... not really...its like saying "because" is an acceptable answer..

 

if you were fired from your job, and asked 'but why?" and they said "i don't know"... would you be able to accept it as an answer and just move on??

 

Ya, but, when we're fired we almost never go back to the place we were fired from. We move on. We don't ask our bosses to take us back.

[shikashika]

Ya, but, when we're fired we almost never go back to the place we were fired from. We move on. We don't ask our bosses to take us back.

 

true, but my thread is about no 'reason'... My boss wouldn't stand there crying saying I don't know I don't know why i'm firing you..

[talo]

We often want reasons for things in order to know how to improve. We want to improve in order to 'do it better next time'. This is one way of living.

 

Another way is to see that we are already fully improved (capable). That we cannot be any better, that we are ideal as we are for wherever we are. And we are feeling. This way, we do not follow reason, but feeling (and feeling is not emotion). This way we see that we are upset at the situation we are in and feel (for) ourself fully in this situation. Feeling ourself fully, the situation passes in its own time.

[heyduh]

why don't they ever talk about it...

 

the thing is ... they don't want to talk about it, they can't explain, because they don't know themselves!!

 

when people fall out of love ... its a feeling that they cannot explain, cannot rationalize and most often there are NO real logical reasons for this loss of love feeling ... and so they would prefer to avoid talking about it, and hope that you understand and leave them alone

 

you lost them because subconsciously you did things that (subconsciously) dis-attracted them ... some of these people may try to rationalize feelings by giving you reasons why (they think) they want to break up, but the fact is, if they do try to rationalize it, it is just that, ie. rationalizing something that they feel but don't really understand

 

get it? no? of course not .. that's why you are here

[talo]

Good point Heyduh. The person falling in and out of love really has no, or little, real idea (reason) for what is happening. And so any explanation (reason) given would just be a momentary thought which may very well not be true (valid) in the next moment.

 

As seen here, there appears to be a reason we fall in and out of love; this being because we fluctuate from being needy to not needy; and this cycle continues with the neediness becoming less intense as we learn to not be so needy; ie the need for love (to be loved) becomes less intense. This lessening of intensity coinciding with a growing awareness of our own capability.

[loveisaparadox]

When you get fired from a job, there is usually some logical reason, like you came to work late too many times, your performance sucked, the company is making cutbacks ... But with love, I'm afraid there is no logic.

 

I broke up with a gf once, and I wasn't able to tell her why, I just knew I had to get away from her. Many years later, she asked me, "why did you break up with me then?" and I finally knew: it was me. Sorry if that sounds like a cliche, but I wasn't in a place where I was emotionally capable of continuing with the relationship. I also wasn't in a place where I was emotionally capable of understanding the concept of not being emotionally capable

 

So the good news: it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Let it go. You'll get an answer one day, if you still care.

[shikashika]

I dont' believe there isn't ANY logical reason..

 

If we HAD to... we could say WHY we feel out of love with someone, or what they didn't that we needed...

 

I guess if its coupled with the person never telling you EVER in the past that they had a problem with you doing this or that... or that they found something irksome or annoying..

[Shadows Light]

Sometimes in a long term relationship.. ie marriage. MINE. I could tell my X.. and tell my X.. and tell my X.. and nothing. All the arguments.. and all the BS.. and in the end.. he did the same thing.. "WHY.. why why why" :splat: and how do you go through that again... all of it. He wasn't receptive to it... and even in the end when I was telling him WHY..he didn't HEAR me. I'll bet you dimes to donuts if you asked him WHY today.. he'd tell you he had no clue or.. he'd lay all the blame at my feet. shhhessh.

 

IT WAS ME.

 

A friend of mine said to me.. "You are going to get very upset but it truly WAS your fault." How? "You put up with things for so long, you allowed things to go on and on and on..." not really, I did the counseling thing with him, I'd read every book written on saving my relationship.... I tried to stop it.. what was I supposed to do.. stick him in the corner and ground him like a child.

 

and he said..."Its your fault because you are the one that changed. YOU finally said... I can't live with this.. or live with that... YOU changed. He has not changed one iota since you left has he?" NOPE. Sooo... I guess it was me. Did he love me??? Yeah.... he says he does.. or did... so who am I to negate his feelings. I was the one who didn't want to subcribe to his BRAND of love anymore. It wasn't for me. So in the end... IT really was me.

[shikashika]

at least you tried to tell him...

 

Many of us.. me included... just a get a "I don't know"..

 

yes this is still driving me beserk!

[shikashika]

I know... I just think all my 'real-life' friends and family are sick ot death of hearing about it...thats all I talk about..

 

I really wish my ex had just cheated on me... or said" You are ugly and your boobs are waay too small"... then at least I could have thought "what a jerk"

 

thanks though...

[Shadows Light]

I know... I just think all my 'real-life' friends and family are sick ot death of hearing about it...thats all I talk about..

 

I really wish my ex had just cheated on me... or said" You are ugly and your boobs are waay too small"... then at least I could have thought "what a jerk"

 

thanks though...

 

Sweets... I know what you mean. I talked and talked and talked to friends and family before they finally.. couldn't fathom anymore. Its not that they don't love you or care... its just that they see you spinning your wheels and there "IS" no answer for what ails you.

 

I've learned that if I need to vent, dump, and hear myself talk so I can think my way through it.. I've gotta do it here.. or other forums.. or even go to a counselor. (someone paid to listen to me.. lol.)

 

You are not ugly... You are beautiful to many people and to a special someone still out there waiting to meet you. Your boobs are not way to small... to someone they might be "just right".. and one day be described as " the most exquisite champaigne glass to drink from." So quit beating yourself up and taking it personally.

 

There's a cool book you might want to look at... its called "The Four Agreements"... talks about taking things personally.