Help decipher her email ????

[ibenhad]

XXXXX,

 

I did not waste 5 years...I do love you and you know that but I played second best for the past 2 years ( the whole FWB mistake - i added this for people to understand) and I don't ever want to go through that again! I am sorry! Always know that no matter what I'm here for you!!! I'm not going away forever! I just need to do some soul searching and also I don't want to cause anymore pain for you...

I will always remember all the amazing times we had together...xxx, xxx, xxx, xxx, xxx, xxx (xxx places and things we did) and so on!!! XOXO

 

I am extremely sorry!

 

XXXXX

 

Is she gone, is she coming back someday am I a fallback guy?

 

This was in response this email I sent. After she said it was over..... See below for my email that prompted this response:

 

XXXXXX

 

You are right you are too good of a person to have dealt

with my mess and you need to move on. I am sorry that you wasted 5 years of your life on me. Please be safe and go forward and make someone a happy man. You are the best baby and I love you and always will. Think of me now and again.

You are a wonderful person inside and out and don't ever sell yourself short. I will miss you and be thinking of you. Please try and remember some of the good times we had. It wasn't all bad. From our first night of passion to the most awesome recent dinner we had a good run. Loving you forever.

 

XXXX

 

P.S. Please know that I tried and put up a good fight and I am not ever going to give up but for now I must let you go. I will be waiting forever but you are worth it. I will keep a light on like the song says and I will return to that picinic table on (Date and time changed for anonynimity) every year @ xxx PM until I die and wait for you (where I asked her to marry me). My heart has known no other in the capacity that it has known us and to have been even blessed to be with you for 5 years is something I will cherish for ever. All my heart and soul till we meet again....

[NJRon]

In reading her response I think that she is pretty clear. She doesn't feel like the last 5 years have been a waste, but she has been very hurt over the last 2 years. She needs to do some soul searching to figure out what *she* wants to do.

 

She wants space in order to do that and needs you to 'let go' so that she can be sure that she isn't acting on guilt. If she comes back to you, she wants to make sure she is doing it for the right reasons.

 

You are doing the right thing by letting go with love. Give her space and also move on with your life. She will work things out in her head in her own time. I am sure that, when she does, she will tell you. Until then, it doesn't sound like she can.

[ibenhad]

So there is a chance with time she may come back. I didn't think this seemed so final. I will keep my head up but move on with my life anyway. Thanks for your help. I guess I must continue with NC as not to pollute her mind. I would love to just txt her like 1 time a month in order to see how she is doing. Would that be bad?

[sparkle1]

Oh my god.

 

That email you sent her was so beautiful...i so wish i had a guy who'd send me emails like that!

 

I think she needs space and time x

[sparkle1]

Don't text her in a months time. Respect what she wrote.

 

If its easier for you to keep up NC then say to yourself "i'll text" when it comes to a month....ask yourself "do i really need to text"

 

THis was how i've gotten throu NC....

 

I think you'll be pleasently surprised and she'll contact you....but only if you honour her request

[rightfromthestart]

"She wants space in order to do that and needs you to 'let go' so that she can be sure that she isn't acting on guilt. If she comes back to you, she wants to make sure she is doing it for the right reasons."

 

my 2 cents.

 

if i was the person she is referring to i would tell her this. u have always had space. and that the moment she left, i let go. and, i would tell her that she knows i know her so well, that she would never come back for reasons of guilt because she that is not healthy and related to the relationship - that feeling belongs to only her and she knows i wouldn't let her do so for that reason anyways. i would tell her stop and think about this guilt feeling and to think back to when she decided to leave and everything about that time and what occurred. and ask - did u feel guilty then? probably not - or you would have stopped what you were doing just as you are now. what i am saying, is don't feel guilty towards the other person - just accept the fact that what happened, happened. the only person you need answer is to yourself and no-one else. and i would tell her, the last thing she should be thinking about is having a relationship with the other person again because what this has all been about is not that...but supporting and helping each other grow and understand and not repeat mistakes. see, i can say this because the one thing my ex taught me was how to be honest with myself. and that is a gift that is more than enuff. so, i would say, the space is yours, become who u want to be, be with people that u love and nuture your mind, body and soul - and all that is required is that u love yourself and know that others see worth and require nothing in return. all the best.

[gfj]

sound similar to my problems, I didn't give her the support she needed and it drove her down in her mind without me even knowing it.

In the long run the separation may be good, she at least cares enough to take some pain to find out for sure if you are meant for each other forever.

[whoops]

i disagree you need to know one way or the other after 5 years you should know - i found out that the hard way - you should break it for sure or you will go crazy holding onto hopes and not having the balls to deal with this now will only reduce you to a mess later - she will never know what she wants we constantly evolve and waiting for that to happen is not right you gotta move on - i am sorry but holding part of your heart just in case after 5 years is self destructive - harsh but believe me true - it is long time and you either hadnle theses thing together or you dont - she has chosen not to and so you must put the light out.

[gfj]

I totally agree whoops, you have to move on and do what you have to do, but I'm believe if it was a good relationship and both people agree but have other issues to deal with, move on but don't burn all your bridges. In my case she said she has no reason not to love me but she can't love anyone until she can love herself and respect herself, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love themselves.

[friscodj]

She sounds confused, hurt, and a conglomeration of 101 other feelings, like she is trying to separate but is still stuck in the past a bit. My feeling is, she's trying to go but the memories are keeping her around. The problem is, once the memories fade (and they will) I believe so will she...

 

And be careful with the weight you put to these emails, both hers and yours. Heartbreak can sure inspire one to say beautiful things. I've said a lot of beautiful irresistible things to women when I was beat down, "everything she ever wanted to hear"...but actions speak louder than words though and time is the loudspeaker. I've found you can say all the beautiful things and make all the promises you want but if a reconciliation happens, things go right back to the way they were...

 

In short, I am pretty sure this thing is gone like yesterday and not coming back. It's done. You keep it up with those emails (especially when the reality of this hits her) then punctuate it with some face time, you may "win her back" for a short period of time but that's it...and during that time neither you nor her will really be "back" anyway...

[iceman85]

I agree with frisco shes gone, when a woman feels neglected or like they were second best their never gonna come back. For you to hold on and eat up every email or communication with her is gonna keep you in the same bad place your at now. I know how hard it is. I held on for awhile, but it didnt do anything, you need to let go. If you dont let go you'll never get better. I can see that you loved her very much, what you wrote to her was touching and emotional. Unfourtantley no words no matter how perfect can bring her back.

[Shadows Light]

This started as a "FWB" deal??? She was on the tail end of a break-up and you were there to ... smooth the way? and it evolved from there?

 

Well... I'd say don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

She's asked for space.. she's asked for time...

 

I'd respect that.

 

She needs to find her heart and learn to love herself first. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself.

 

I wouldn't burn any bridges with her...but do go on with your life.

 

I have a pair of friends who were "FWB"... and no one was ever the wiser. Who'd have thunk it?? and yet they've both gone on and found love with other people.. and are "STILL" there for one another as friends albeit w/o benefits. They were able to discuss their relationship at some point on an intellectual level. Although he loved her very much... he did not love her as a life mate. There were things about her that drove him nuts. Things he couldn't ignore. On the other hand she possessed a lot of attributes as a person that he held near and dear. THEY salvaged thier relationship and went on to be.. great friends.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Im new here, been lurking for a while. Saw this post and want to comment:

 

I wouldnt give up hope but just make sure you go on with your life. Also - work on changing so you dont make the exact same mistakes again with this girl or another, whatever happens.

 

I dont think that you can lose if you stay with this and hold onto hope. I dont think that forcing yourself out of love is ever a good thing - it can be just as bad as going to fast in a relationship. Sometimes it happens naturally but you cant force it either way.

 

Personally Im ambivalent about nc but thats maybe because my ex moved to another state after we broke up and I want us to have positive communications now as I dont think his faith will be restored if the memory of the negativity and pain of the breakup is the last impression he gets. We talk every other week or so. We are going to meet again and see... Im being patient. To me its completely worth it.

 

My problem with NC is that I would worry that each person either only remembers bad things (because its easier to move on if you only think about the bad things) or that they only remember the good things and then want to come back but once theyre back there hasnt been any change and everything goes right back to what it was before. Im inclined to think that these couples in here that say they got back together because of NC actually got back together in spite of NC but thats just me. Some people cant tone it down and then in those cases nc might be best.

 

Which brings me to this: Your email is beautiful and I totally support the meaning behind it but your choice of words is really dramatic...

 

Women tend to want to see if the guy can stick to his words. I dont know your story you mentioned an fwb situation and I wouldnt be surprised if some consistency and faith is what she needs from you. Hang in there, let her know youre still there but the promises of undying love until your deathbed - well I would tone it down. She might think youre a little full of it, please dont be offended. But especially if she feels you havent been treating her right and then once you break up youre all promises and roses. Its about what you do. Not what you say. You can promise her the moon but it dont mean you will deliver. Definitely think about whether you can keep your promises before you make them. If in fact you treated her badly then it will take you a lot of time to prove youre not going to do it again. Turning your back on her now would only prove what she already suspects.

 

I vote yes on texting her. I would keep it sweet and simple though. Just a simple "hi - I hope youre doing well" and maybe sometimes "just went to [some place] and it reminded me of you". Dont do it too often and dont do it if you think you cant deal with not getting a reply from her.

[ibenhad]

I have posted much on here about my plight. I just know that I messed up and need her to understand I never meant to and would never be so foolish again. The FWB was at her request. I really tried to end it and moved back with my ex. The problem was I never worked on things with my ex as I was too emotionally tied to this relationship. So for 2 years she feels like I used her for sex. Even though I had my own room and bed at my ex-wives house. I can understand her pain and hurt. I would never do something like this again to her and I know she is the one. I asked her to marry me 7/10/06 and she said maybe and still has the ring. Which as I have posted before I DO NOT WANT BACK!!!!!!

 

I just want her to be my wife. I love her with all my heart and soul and losing the best thing that ever happened to me is soooo hard. She said when I asked her the timing was bad because I was still in my ex's house. Then she said maybe and was at 98% what could have changed her mind so drastically as to end it? Sooooo lost...

[friscodj]

Oh my god dude, after reading this, it is very, very, very clear to me this thing is horresendously misguided. Do you think marrying her will "fix" everything here? Going to turn her "maybe's" into "YES!" Do you really think she loves you the way you love her?

 

You are living in a fantasy world with this, living in an illusion desperatly trying to "fix" the situation, trying to go back and right your perceived wrongs, trying to win a contest between your ego and your heart within yourself. You are dreaming, you are misguided in your intentions....big time...

 

I believe you have lost perspective of what love is, in that you are more obsessed "on a mission" with her and "fixing" this situation than in love with her. You have lost perspective on what a healthy relationships should be like, because it ain't like this. You are trying to marry her to keep her around, seem to be seeking an end with marriage instead of a means to another chapter in your lives together. If you did marry this woman, you tell me what you think the first year five years would be like (if it made it that far)...

 

But you know what? Shame on her. She is stringing you along in a biiiiiiig way. She is using like I have never seen. FWB, you ask her to marry you, she says "maybe" and throws numbers at you? If you throw numbers at someone, I'm sorry, but you do not love them the way a married couple should. Maybe she's doing you a favor by not marrying you, she's saving you the expense of a wedding and another divorce...

 

On top of this, you recently had a big episode with your ex wife, which I'm sure is still on your mind and in your heart. Are you "in love" with being married? I mean, you are essentially throwing a ring at this FWB girl.

 

I think you need to break free of every notion of dating and be alone for a while, a good year or so, and reset all of your emotional switches and buttons, because they are out of whack right now. Easier said than done? You bet, and I believe it will take some more time getting tumble dried in all of this to start to see reality and start taking steps to move towards the light...

[onelittleladybug]

Getting married is a huge decision. I dont think I even realized what was involved until I got engaged myself. So many new questions, so many things to deal with. Even just dealing with how family and friends react to it is a whole dimension. Theres you, theres her, theres you and her and THEN theres everyone else. You already know this Ibenhad since youve been down that road already. She might actually be doing the right thing in taking her time to think. Im going to read your previous posts about this when I find the time.

 

BTW are you out of your exes house yet?

[ibenhad]

Had no idea she would say no/maybe back then. I do not believe marriage will fix everything. We love each other very much and need counseling. I believe marriage right now would make us even worse. We both need to work on issues together. Hence being in a relationship. TOGETHER... I only want to be everything in a man that she wanted from me. We have been in a relationship of some sort for 5 years. That is a long time to throw away. Im not claiming to have all the answers as I know I do not nor am I perfect but true love can conquer all and I truly love her and know in my heart she truly loves me. She has told me she is scared and overwhelmed by everything. I think only time will tell and I am giving that to her. I will be working on myself and am seeing a Dr. now to work on my issues. If I cannot fix the damage I will at least know I didn't give up and gave it my best shot.

[ibenhad]

Yes I have moved out of the ex's house. Onelittleladybug IM me I sent you my screen name.

[ramsickle1369]

Ibenhad, Stop Trying To Be What She Wants You To Be!!! You can ONLY be that person for so long. If you aren’t that person already, you will eventually tire out from the exhaustion and become you again. How can you make someone else happy when you are deceiving them?

 

You need to take some time and figure out who YOU are without ANY relationship. Only then will you be ready to pursue ANY relationship.

 

REMEMBER—a separation doesn’t mean it’s over. MANY, MANY people just need to evaluate how they feel independent from the one they love. Set her free. If she comes back to you then she’s yours forever. If she doesn’t, she never was yours to begin with.

[ibenhad]

Im really not trying to be anything but me. I love her and always have. The only reason I ran was because I was scared. I had come out of my second divorce (5 years ago) and she was very young and needy. I guess my ex wives house was a safe zone as we were like best friends. It made sense to me but killed my girlfriend. Im a guy what the hell did I know. So that lasted 2 years. I had already lived with the GF for 1 and dated for 2. So now 5 years goes by and she throws it all away when I offer her a life together. She said she was confused and overwhelmed and I don't blame her. I know who I am and I know what I want in life. I know I made a mistake and I just want to fix it. If it doesnt work at least I did all I could. I will not contact her as much as it hurts. But I will be there for her in a heartbeat should she need anything.

[friscodj]

You're certainly a man on a mission ibenhad. Keep the pedal to the metal on this man, go for it. Just remember we'll always be hear to lend an ear to you...

[ibenhad]

Not sure what I said that was sooooo bad but FRISCODJ thank you for the encouragement. I will wait as long as I have to for the woman I love. She loves me and I love her and someday we will be happy together. But then again maybe not. That is my wish and I will give her time and space and whatever she may need to try and make that wish come true. I love her with my total being and have never felt this way for anyone in my 40 years on this planet. 2 divorces didn't hurt this bad.

[friscodj]

I love her with my total being and have never felt this way for anyone in my 40 years on this planet. 2 divorces didn't hurt this bad.

 

Well, this says it all. This is your life and this is your mission. If you don't physically exhaust yourself with this, I'll find you and beat you!

 

I don't think you will be able to fully move on from something like this until you are completely and utterly "done". So keep going man, you can't lose here. Either you get back together and drink from your Holy Grail again be it just a sip or a fountain, or you will get closure through exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment and learn a hell of a lot about yourself, life, women and love in the process. Just don't knock her up, I hate to see children get thrown into situations like this...

[ibenhad]

So on Sat. night I went out and got a little lit up. One of her friends is at the bar and approaches me. I cry to her about how her friend ended it and said I think that she is seeing the Karaoke guy she always hangs with. Of course her friend sain no and I still said I think she is. I guess her friend told her and she txted me and said to leave her friends alone. I did not approach them they came up to me. Then her sister came on IM the other night and I talked to her and asked her to keep an eye on her sister becuase I was worried about her and she called me to yell at me about that. She said to leave her friends and family out of this. I just want to be sure she is OK as when she ended it in a txt message she said she was quiting her job and moving away. She does not even believe that I didnt approach these people. Why is she so angry with me? She must feel bad for doing what she is doing right?

[NJRon]

I think she might be upset because it doesn't seem as if you are letting go like you said you would. Keeping tabs, or talking to others about the situation when they are directly related is not good. It comes off as controlling and insecure and it not giving her space.

 

I understand that you feel it was ok, since you were the one approached, but it's not. You shouldn't be sharing any details with her friends or family and *definitely* not ask them to watch out for her.

 

She has been doing fine for quite a while, I think she can continue to take care of herself.