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I didn't mean to


Lost1n7heDark
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I really didn't. But something happened last night that really just brought me down. I hadn't cut for a month and a couple of weeks. Things were going so well, a new school, a starting over point, a new relationship, etc. I thought everything was slowly getting into place. But last night, things just really blew over.

 

See, after my parents had found out about me cutting they left me alone. It used to be a lot of physical, emotional and mental abuse that I had to go through since I was a little child. I wont go into details, because I'm not here to whine about how my parents beat me. It is not an excuse for me cutting, it's just a fact. Anyways, I had always been used to it, but once they found out they left me alone. I think they were a bit afraid of me.

 

I must've gotten too used to the fact that they weren't as bad as before, that when my dad started treating me like a baby I got annoyed. I figured it was just a parental thing that he was doing so I left it alone. But then my mom just popped into my room randomly and started yelling at me. It started off as a normal conversation, but then she started bothering me about my life. I guess I shouldn't have, but I talked back and she really got pissed off. She told me to leave and find another legal guardian because she's sick of raising me and doesn't want to deal with it anymore. She said I should just leave everything here and go. And I hear that and I felt like dying because then I realize she never wanted a kid like me, she hates having to deal with me, having to raise me, she doesn't want me anymore, she's sick of putting up with me. And I just hate that it matters so much to me because it shouldn't but it does. And I wanted to kill myself and rid them of the trouble. And maybe she didn't mean it but it just killed me so bad cause she's never said anything like that to me before. The thing is, anything else she said would've been okay. She could've said the usual things, but she didn't. She said all that. And I'm not a crier, because I believe I've forgotten how to, so I couldn't cry.

 

I couldn't handle it, because they already think I'm good for nothing, so I took the best thing I had, which was the tip of a compass, and a paper clip, and I dragged them both accross the surface of my arm. My old scars started to open up and bleed, and for some reason it just didn't help as much as before. That's the thing that scares me the most. I didn't go any further because I was tired and felt so bad that I needed to sleep. But the thing that scared me is that it wasn't enough.

 

I'm afraid that someday I'll take it too far and that would just give my parents another reason to hate me. I'm sorry, I just really needed to spill all of this because I really don't have anybody else to talk to. I really don't know what to do anymore and I wish it didn't hurt so much.

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Lost,

 

I have a close friend who is a cutter and has the same feelings you do. That he is worhtless and why would anybody love him.

 

I couldn't convince him of his worth and i can't convince you of yours...but what i can say is that you decide your worth...so if you are in the drivers seat....why not believe your worth is immense?

 

The abuse..well ..i wouldn't mind hearing about it if you felt you needed to talk... there are a lot of people who have/had abuse in their life..and i'm sure we could use a little support from time to time.

 

The cutting didn't work last night- i wonder if it didn't work because you are beginning to learn that cutting doesn't make the pain go away.

 

If you are hurting, confide in someone, no matter how stupid your thoughts seem...talk it out.

 

I was feeling pretty lousy earlier this week..and ya know what? I called a friend and i talked it out...i told them all the stupid stuff that was going on in my head.

 

And you know what? The problem is still there..but I feel better.. .because it's not swimming in my head any more...getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

 

so let it out... - call a friend..vent here..whatever you need...just get it out of your head before you cut...ok?

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Pm me if you ever need to talk ok. I have been cutting for 3 years and am trying very hard to stop as well. So i would be really happy to help you.

 

Please don't think that because only one person posted no one cares. One good post is better then 10 without meaning.

 

You say that you have no friends you can trust. I used to think that to but i'd say start opening up to someone on here first. It might help you in more then one way as you'll also have a friend. Ok well i hope you feel better soon. Pm me whenever you want if ever you want and i'll get back to you as quick as possible. You can also email me on email removed good luck!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have been cutting off and on for a good 3 years now. My cutting progressed to the point where I became suicidal, took pills, and ended up in a mental institution for a day. My parents were just like yours, when I told them about the cutting they would yell at me, call me names, and make me feel genuinely bad about myself. I felt like I wanted to die, and the pills were my solution.

However, after I took the pills, something amazing happened to me, and that was that my parents started to care! I will never forget the day that my Dad, who abused me, my siblings, and my Mom for a good portion of my childhood, came up to me in the institution and just hugged me. He did not yell at me, or reprimand me, or call me crazy...he just hugged me. Your parents love you, trust me. They are just like mine, and they do not know how to deal with this situation. You need to take control for yourself. Only you can do it, and you need to move past the hurtful remarks. Underneath it all, your parents are saying these things because they care and don't know how to deal with it. Bottom line: They are afraid of losing you.

Not cutting anymore is something very difficult to accomplish, and I'm still struggling with it. In a way, I'm just the same as you. I recently just went away to college...new school, new relationship, new life, and everything was fine...but today I lost it and slipped. I felt so weird and horrible, and most of all disappointed in myself for doing that. I want to stop, but it's hard.

What I suggest is that you go into therapy, or if you are in therapy currently, stick with it. You want to stop, and that's the first step in doing so. The important thing is that you recognize it's a problem, and there are many people who don't. I think you should at least be proud of that. Finding someone to talk to is really important in stopping, because the reason we cut is because we have these overwhelming emotions that we cannot recognize and bring to the surface. I really hope I helped you.

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I think most people don't post because they don't feel equipped to offer good advice. I don't have experience of this and so cannot help but I will offer my prayers for you. It would be a good idea if you could tell your doctor and get into some kind of therapy. it doesn't seem like you can deal with this on your own at the moment.

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