Is he just using me?

[delicatechina]

I'll try to make this short...

I've been going with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We both fell in love with each other. He was my first love, and I was his first love. But we've had lots of downs. Anyways we broke up last week, because he claimed that I hurt him, because I made an irresponsible decision. (long story). And at first he was saying that we can't talk, that we just need to break up, and never see each other or talk again. I told him that I needed to see him for closure, and that I wanted a chain back(a necklace that said "Iman loves Lee 4ever, my name is Iman and his name is Lee)--he had kept the chain tied around the rear-view mirror in his car and he said that he can't see me, and that he'll mail me the necklace. Well I was upset about the break up, and so I called him a couple of days later. And he was very short with me. And then I called him the next day, and he told me that I was being annoying and that he needs time to get over this situation. So I stopped calling him.

 

Barely Two days later he called me and told me that he was going to come see me.I thought it was going to be a date, or something like that, but it wasn't. He drove 50 minutes to my college, and we sat in the parking lot in the back of the college and all he told me was that he came because I told him that I needed to see him for closure... Which was odd because I thought that, that A) he wasn't going to see me in the first place. And B) that I was annoying and that ne needed time to get over the break up. WE talked for a few minutes, and he gave me back the chain, and told me that we could still talk as friends, but that's all, and that he didn't know if we were getting back togehter. I told him that I did not want the chain and I gave it back to him, and then he told me that he was going to a party and so he had to go, and that he had came to see me because I was on the way to the party. I was pissed and hurt, but I got out of the car and let him to the party..

 

Two days later, he calls me again and asks to come see me. This time he takes me out for dinner and pays. And he holds my hand, and then we sit in his car and listen to love songs while we cuddle. He begins touching on my breasts, rubbing on my hair, making out with me, and talking to me like I'm his girlfriend. And then he got mad at me because he found out that I had deleted him from my phone. But hell we broke up, so thats why I did it!!! Anyways he then took me to a hotel, and paid. And we had sex the whole night. The whole time he kept saying, "We shouldn't be doing this. We're suppose to be friends". But we continued to have sex, and he told me he loved me, and called me his girlfriend like three times that night.

 

The next morning he took me out to breakfast, and talked to me like I was his girlfriend, and then to top it off he put that chain that said "Iman loves Lee 4-ever" back around his rearview mirror, when I had first seen him the night before, the chain wasn't even in the car!!! And on the way to taking me out to school. He was saying that he shouldn't have led me on, and that we're friends and thats all. And so I asked if we could be friends with benefits and he said no. He said that we can talk on the phone and hang out, but we can't kiss or go to hotels anymore. So then he dropped me off, and right before I got out the car I tried to kiss him, and he said "no we're friends", and then I tried to kiss him again, and then he kissed me back(passionately may I add).

 

I called him that night and asked him if we could be friends with benefits, and this time, he said "I don't know". instead of a flat no,

 

Basically he keeps changing his mind. One minute he says we're friends, and the next he treats me like I'm his girlfriend...

 

What do I do?

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I can see that you are struggling.

 

Oh Honey,

 

The first thing I thought was that you need to draw the line and stick to it. You know that you want to be his girlfriend, and not just a friend with whom he sleeps with and then drops. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you 100%, and your ex sounds very confused right now.

 

He made the choice to break up with you, let him feel the consequence of that choice, and what it means- that he does not get to have you in his life- he does not get to sleep with you, or kiss you, or call and show up when HE feels like it. Why is that ok for him to do?

[n83]

Wait I'm confused, you asked him repeatedly if he wants to be friends with benefits but you want to know if he's using you??

 

First of all, it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, but is having trouble letting go. Which is perfectly normal. The bigger issue is whether or not you both could handle friends with benefits, and I doubt you could. How would you feel if you found out he's trying to see someone else but still sleeping with you? I think you both have too much emotional energy invested in the relationship.

 

That being said, you both need to make a final decision.. and I honestly believe that if he doesn't want to be WITH you, then you need to figure out a way to let him go (aka NC) and move on. It will save you both a lot of hurt and bad feelings.

[delicatechina]

Okay. I just wish I knew why everytime I begin to get over him, he decides to come back into my life and why he acts like we're still going out... I don't even think he means too, I just think he can't help it.. And then like he tells me things that he won't tell anyone else. For example he's getting his own apartment. And his cousin, who is his best friend, and who he tells everything to, doesn't know about it, but yet he told me. And he didn't even tell his cousin that me and him had sex or anything. And everytime he gets a day off, instead of seeing his friends he sees me... I mean it just gives me false hope I guess.

[amtjrtcet]

Hi China, welcome. I agree w/the others he is having a hard time letting go, and he does seem to be confused. You need to break communication with him. If he calls don't answer, don't call him. Both of you need space. If he really wants to be with you he will figure it out when he thinks you're gone. If he knows your so available and at his beck and call then he'll keep playing games.

 

You do deserve someone who wants to be with you %100. Don't settle for less.

[Siriana]

Run, run, run.

Why he was week and decided to sleep with you after beeing so determined about the brake up, I don't know. Noboady knows, except him. But one thing is for shure, he hasn't done this e for your sake, but for his own selfish motifs to feel better.

 

1. Stop asking him for FBW, ain't worth of pain it causes.

2. Stop talking to him, NC

3. Next time he wants to meet you - don't meet him

 

He broke up with you. Don't let him have sex with you or have you as a friend. He will ditch you as FBW and a friend when he finds new gf. And having sex with him will slow you down in getting over him.

[Hope75]

Okay. I just wish I knew why everytime I begin to get over him, he decides to come back into my life and why he acts like we're still going out... I don't even think he means too, I just think he can't help it.. And then like he tells me things that he won't tell anyone else. For example he's getting his own apartment. And his cousin, who is his best friend, and who he tells everything to, doesn't know about it, but yet he told me. And he didn't even tell his cousin that me and him had sex or anything. And everytime he gets a day off, instead of seeing his friends he sees me... I mean it just gives me false hope I guess.

 

It sounds like he is pretty confused about what he wants. But that doesn't give him the right to drag you back and forth, confuse your heart, make you hurt more, and make you question where his head is at. If you back off and tell him that being broken up means no more sex and no more 'benefits'.... maybe he will decide that he wants to work things out and come back the right and proper way and ask you.

 

But as long as he pulls this 'I'll sleep with you but I don't want you back and don't want to lead you on' business, it's up to you to protect your heart from being taken advantage of. He can't have it both ways if you don't let him.

[zrehman]

Hey,

 

In my opinion, he is definitley using you. He is confused and having withdrawl problems. He was with you for 2 years and no you guys are broken up, and its hard to start a whole new routine after being used to a certain routine, i.e. You two being together for 2 years and hanging out, talking, doing gf/bf things together. Obviously he is still sexually attracted to you, but if he says flat out, "We should be friends" than he is just using you for sex. The only way to make him shrivel up and come running back to you, if you want, is to NC him for a while, or if you don't like being used, tell him straight up what you want, and if he thinks its not a good idea. Tell him that you need your space to think about things and you don't want to see him until your ready.

[delicatechina]

This is the second time we broke up... We had taken a "break" in April, and then we had NC for two weeks, and then we saw each other had sex, and then we didn't see each other again for three months, because I came home for the summer from college. Anyways I didn't contact him for three weeks, and then I finally called him, and he seemed excited to hear from me. And then a week later, he told me he had been doing some thinking and he didn't think that we should be together, and that we should just move on. And I cried, and begged him to stay, and then at first he was saying no, and then he changed his mind and stayed with me, and we took it slow. We continued talking, but we weren't together. And then when I came back to Chicago for college in September we got back together. Then he dumped me a few days later because I got really drunk to the point where I had to be taken to the hospital, and he said that I have too much drama. And then he contacted me twice, after he dumped me.. So it's like he always is breaking up, and then wanting me back.

Not only that, but on several occasions, he's told me that he's going to the military, or that he was moving away, and each time he never did what he said he was doing, they were all attempts to scare me, or to test me out.. I mean he's so fickle, and always confusd. I don't know if this time is any different. Like does he not want me now, but is he going to want me later?

how long should I not contact him. Because I still want him, but I want to make him make a decision!!!! Either stay with me, or not...

 

Also I really want to be friends with benefits with him, is this a bad idea?

[Siriana]

Yes it is.

[delicatechina]

But why? I just want sex. Why is it a badf idea to still have sex with him?

[Siriana]

No, you don't - you are here asking for advice and beeing worried why he can't made his mind about your situation. Beeing constantly back and forth. If you were completely cool with the situation you wouldn't be here. You would be just having sex without thinking about situation.

I guess it sucks beeing alone after brake up - but sooner or later you have to learn that. It is important to be able to be alone - later in life especcially. You can't always have someone as support. You need to learn how to stay single. Beeing without sex for few months is not a disaster.

But if you feel you're not ready to go trough the brake up alone, than do what you have to do. But remember you can't always do that.

[Hope75]

But why? I just want sex. Why is it a badf idea to still have sex with him?

 

 

Before you said that you wanted him back as a boyfriend- now you are willing to settle for just sex? Honey, don't you think you deserve someone who wants to be faithful to you and who LOVES and RESPECTS you and who wants to be with you and you alone... as a partner?

 

You deserve that- and he isn't willing to give that to you- why let him get the good stuff without a commitment when you know deep down in your heart that is not what you really want and deserve?

 

I can understand you wanting to keep that connection to him, but what if he moves on and meets someone new, while using you for sex, and then drops you to pursue someone else? He could be looking for someone new all the while sleeping with you, under the new 'agreement' you are proposing. Would that really make you happy?

 

I'm afraid you will get hurt by this- are you?

[delicatechina]

well of course I don't want to get hurt, but I've been doing some thinking, and I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but i really like sex... And he's the only guy I've ever had sex with. i don't want to be a hoe, and have sex with everyone I meet, so I'd rather have one consistent partner to have sex with, on the regular basis. In the meanwhile I'll still date around until i meet someone that I'm ready to have a relationship with, but me and him have a good sexual relationship...

[Hope75]

So, how would you feel if he were to move on and get a new girlfriend?

 

What are your feelings towards him right now?

 

I find it hard to believe that you would be able to separate your feelings of hurt and abandonment, as well as love for him so soon after your breakup. Not saying that as an insult to you, but as a basic concept of human nature... it would be very difficult to separate it.

[delicatechina]

I do love him, and I always will... I dunno. I'm confused now... I'm going to call him and talk to him about us and see what he says... And then make a decision based on that.

[Hope75]

I do love him, and I always will... I dunno. I'm confused now... I'm going to call him and talk to him about us and see what he says... And then make a decision based on that.

 

I think this is a better idea than to settle for less than what you deserve.

 

I know what it's like to cling to someone any way you can when they decide they don't want you anymore. It hurts, it's awful and it's humiliating. But remember that you are worth being with as a girlfriend and being with 100%... and if he isn't willing to give that to you, he's not the right person for you.

[delicatechina]

i feel sooo bad. Today my ex called me... He was angry because I have a caller tune "say goodbye", and when he calls he hears it, it's basically a song that talks about two people who have to go their separate ways. Anyways the first thing he said to me was, "you have to get rid of that song." And I laughed, and I'm like "why", and he's like "u know why"... And I ignored him, and I was like I'm going to dinner with a friend, becuase I was, and I told him that I'd call him back later. Now he had called me at like 6:00 today, because he wanted to come see me, but this time I didn't drop everything to see him. And I never called him back. I feel bad, because I'm so use to doing what he wants, and dropping everything for him and this time I didn't, and I feel bad. I don't want to hurt him, I love him sooo much.. How long do I have to keep my distance from him? And further more why does he get upset at me for having a caller tune that talks about our break up, when he's the one who dumped me!

[Siriana]

Because he's immature and likes the fact you're into him and because usually you drop everything just to see him, but you didn't this time.

[Hope75]

He can't have it both ways. He chose to break up with you, now he's feeling the consequences.. that's good. Let him sit with this for awhile, and see what happens.