broken relationship with sister

[sadsis]

Recently, my younger sister and I got into an argument. Now she won't let me see my niece & nephews!

 

Last year when she turned 30, she started to change. She started smoking again, after stopping for 5 years, and drinking a lot. One night, she called me to come and get her after she & her husband had a big fight (they both were drunk). Even though I have narcolepsy (sleeping disorder) & it was after midnight, I drove the 30 miles to help her. Her husband's family & I were able to calm them both down, & they told us the drinking would stop.

 

Recently, I was babysitting at her house (which I do quite often). I was concerned about what shape the house was in- I actually couldn't remember the last time I saw it clean. I could tell by the empties that they were still drinking, although not quite as much.

 

The drinking bothers me because our dad was an alcoholic. He quit when my sister was about three years old. Although she seemed to have the strongest relationship with Dad, she has not talked to him for 4 years, since he remarried after our mom's death from a car accident.

 

My sister has always been strong-willed and never afraid to speak her mind. I knew if I confronted her, she would get angry & keep her kids away from me. I decided to talk to my nephew who's 7 and my niece, 5. I told them that I was going to talk to mommy about some things I was upset about, and that we might not talk to or see each other for awhile. I wanted them to know that I loved them & that grown-ups sometimes fight just like kids.

 

I also took the opportunity to correct a lie that my sister told them. She told them that their grandfather (our father) died, like grandma. My nephew told me this last summer. I felt he was too young for an explanation at the time, but I now want them to know they have a loving grandfather who asks about them all the time. I have an early childhood background, and I made sure they understood and were allright with everything I said.

 

Well, my sister ended up working late that night, and when her husband came home, I told him I had a talk with the kids about a few concerns I have. I didn't go into detail because I really wanted to address my sister.

 

I called my sister later to find out when I needed to babysit again, and she told me she could never trust me with her kids again. She claimed they were very upset & I should have known they wouldn't understand. I explained they were allright when I talked to them & I told them what I needed to. She hung up on me & we haven't talked since (6 weeks ago).

 

I have since sent her two emails, asking her if we could talk about this. I'm sure she just deletes them & I know she'll screen her calls. I sent her a nice, simple birthday card this week, but I'm sure she just ripped it up.

 

I'm sorry this post is so long, but the situation is very complicated. I would like to repair this relationship- but it has to be on both our terms. My biggest problem is how much I miss the kids. Next to my own, they mean the world to me!

 

Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for just listening-

[Annoyed And Bitter]

Sweetie, I think you made a mistake in telling her children anything. Despite the fact that you meant well, it wasn't your place to tell them anything. It was and is an adult situation that probably should have been discussed with your sister first, and with the children only with her consent.

 

I understand why you would be concerned. I would be too, honestly. Your sister (and probably her husband too) needs help. There are obviously some issues she has that should be addressed. But for the time being you cannot offer her that help, for obvious reasons.

 

My best advice to you would be to give her a little more time, without bombarding her with emails, cards, and phone calls. When you DO contact her, apologize for crossing the line with her kids. The only way out of this is to recognize and acknowledge your mistake....

 

Good luck