Update

[kimber271]

My ex called friday, and was very nice at first. I had some valuables at his house still, so when we met to get my stuff (i know, i should have just left my stuff!) it turned bad. I guess I felt bad for him, and for not being around if he needed me, just as a friend. How wrong was I.

 

He was still in a depressive state, barely acknowledging I was around. I would say something, and he either wouldn't respond, or sound all depressed and give a one word answer.

 

I've been there for him since he went into this strange mood, yet he picks at everything I say or do. he's always been like that, but worse since he's been going through something.

I got up to go get some coffee, and he yelled at me to sit down and be still! He said, "do I have to manage EVERYTHING you do woman!?" I never asked him to manage me nor tell me what to do, in fact I wished he would just let me do what I WANTED.

 

NC is the best thing, even if there are a few things left at the ex's place. I showed in every way how much I loved and cared about him, but if I said or did one thing he didn't like, he would yell at me no matter what I'd done for him. It helped me see that no matter how much you love someone, you can't change them or help them get better if they don't want it themselves.

 

Im mainly venting, because he told me over and over how much he hated having to manage me, and felt he was having to take care of 2 people. He is a man who LIKES taking control, and didn't realize HE chose to control every situation. I'm still really hurt and confused, but with NC I think I'll forget this cruel man very easily. Thanks for listening and helping guys.

[rose2summer]

Well, he is clearly upset he lost control over you so now he is pouting and acting passive-aggressive.

 

He really isn't worth your time or effort, why put yourself in a position to be belittled and listen to his pitty tantrums. Throw him out like yesterday's newspaper.

[Chibby33]

Kimber - glad to hear from you again. I always wondered how you were. Kudos to you! Finish the relationship, cut all ties and run as far away from his abusive environment as possible. Everytime you think fondly of him, just shout "ENOUGH!!" Trust me I did that ranting many times I think some people at IKEA thought my kid's name is "Enough." Ha! Ha!

[kimber271]

haha. Thanks guys. =)

You've really helped. Letting it out really is a great form of recovery.

even though I shouldn't have gone back to get my stuff, it helped me in a way. It helped me see that no matter what I said or did, nothing would ever be good enough. I even discovered he was looking on Craigslist and emailing some girl with a nasty title. Who wants that!

Enough with this man! =)

[rose2summer]

Yes, kimber, you deserve so much better than this guy. He is clearly passive-aggressive by his behavior, and that's not someone you want to spend your time with.

 

I know it's tough now, but with each and every day you will feel progressively better, and he will be a shadow of the past. I am proud of your for your strength and acceptance that you deserve better than him. Hugs. Rose

[pooh-bare]

Now that you have your stuff back, there's no reason to ever put yourself thru that again.

[kimber271]

Yes, I never want to have to spend another day with him on edge, always having to watch what I say, or be put down for being younger. Never again will I be ignored for not doing something the way he wanted, or for no reason at all. No more verbal abuse.... I have to stay far away, and right now, I don't ever want to speak to him again.

I had to finally realize he was going to hurt me more each day I stayed with him.

Thank you again

[bella321]

Hi Kimber,

 

He sounds like a jerk... and it doesn't sound like you need "managing" at all at this point. Good thing you are rid of his negative baggage and can redirect your energy into making yourself happy!

[Chibby33]

Yes, I never want to have to spend another day with him on edge, always having to watch what I say, or be put down for being younger. Never again will I be ignored for not doing something the way he wanted, or for no reason at all. No more verbal abuse.... I have to stay far away, and right now, I don't ever want to speak to him again.

I had to finally realize he was going to hurt me more each day I stayed with him.

Thank you again

 

Read what you just wrote above Kimber. That doesnt sound like from someone who is "young" but who is obviously strong and refuses to take crap from anyone. Cherish this strength that is growing in you; do not ignore it but release its power to heal yourself. In other words, "you go gurl!!"

[joyce1412]

I showed in every way how much I loved and cared about him, but if I said or did one thing he didn't like, he would yell at me no matter what I'd done for him. It helped me see that no matter how much you love someone, you can't change them or help them get better if they don't want it themselves.

 

Im mainly venting, because he told me over and over how much he hated having to manage me, and felt he was having to take care of 2 people. He is a man who LIKES taking control, and didn't realize HE chose to control every situation.

 

that really spoke to me, kimber. my ex is 25 and i'm 21, and with the age differential he often felt like he had to be a parent for me, to take control, and although this came naturally to him and was something he chose to do, i think he got tired of it. now, i liked it to an extent--i'm one of those people who will take an hour to decide where to go out to eat unless someone makes a decision for me!--but when it came down to it, i would have rather had a partner that made me feel like i was his equal.

 

i hate to generalize, but i think this is typical of men. they often DO like to be in control, and your ex probably did too. but because you're younger, it's easy for him to pretend like he HAS to take control because you don't know what you're doing without his guiding hand.

 

as they say, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. he doesn't realize what you've done for him and he won't change right now. hopefully when he loses some of the bitterness he'll take a step back and evaluate his behavior.

[Chibby33]

i hate to generalize, but i think this is typical of men. they often DO like to be in control, and your ex probably did too. but because you're younger, it's easy for him to pretend like he HAS to take control because you don't know what you're doing without his guiding hand.

 

as they say, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. he doesn't realize what you've done for him and he won't change right now. hopefully when he loses some of the bitterness he'll take a step back and evaluate his behavior.

 

In my case, I'm going to have to agree with you Joyce. My ex is 30 and I'm 38, but in spite of the reverse age difference, I always thought he pushed way too hard to being in control. That and perhaps he has Middle Eastern/Italian blood in him. I knew I was in trouble!

[kimber271]

Thank you all very much. I do have the control to not let this man negatively influence me anymore.

You all gave me some great insight too as to why he may act like he always has to be in control. Im the lowest maintenance girlfriend you could ask for. I was very easy going, so I left things up to him sometimes thinking it would be nice to do what he wanted. I would suggest things all the time, but often he wouldn't like that.

I NEVER asked him to guide me, and told him over and over to just stop guiding me and making these decisions for me, because I will be FINE without it. Oh well, I think he made himself miserable, I honestly do. Is that a bad thing to say?? It's like he would FIND things to nag at me about, and look for areas I was not perfect in so he could comment about that too. It was awful.

 

Thank you to all who have responded, and made me realize I do have the power in myself to remove myself 100% from this negative, hurtful relationship.

[joyce1412]

Im the lowest maintenance girlfriend you could ask for. I was very easy going, so I left things up to him sometimes thinking it would be nice to do what he wanted. I would suggest things all the time, but often he wouldn't like that.

 

i'm with you kimber, i let my ex make decisions because i knew he liked to do that, and if i don't really care either way what we do, then why not let him decide, right? but they get so used to it that anytime you want to direct things--even if it's not often--they get uncomfortable.

 

he's an alpha male, and the fact that you're younger probably made him feel even more like he ought to be in power. and he convinces himself that you need it, even though you don't think you do, because that's the only way to justify his behavior. it's very important to men to feel needed in some capacity, and he felt needed via your supposed neediness.

 

he needs some kind of unruly dog to boss around so he doesn't have to do it to his girlfriend.

[kimber271]

Joyce, you're right. I guess he felt some kind of inclination to 'manage' me, yet he would bite himself in the a__s by doing so. He contradicted himself more than I could count. He would tell me he was sick of making the decision for 2 people, that he hated I was quiet at times and didn't have input, yet would yell at me if I said or did ANYTHING he didn't agree with.

Now that I have spent a few days away from him NC, I see how disturbed he has to be to have done the things he did. If something didn't go his way, no matter how small or silly it was, he would throw me out or make me leave his home, then ignore me.

It's tough right now, as he was very dear to me many times, but I guess I can't think of those times. He has a side to him that no girl deserves to see..

[joyce1412]

Joyce, you're right. I guess he felt some kind of inclination to 'manage' me, yet he would bite himself in the a__s by doing so. He contradicted himself more than I could count. He would tell me he was sick of making the decision for 2 people, that he hated I was quiet at times and didn't have input, yet would yell at me if I said or did ANYTHING he didn't agree with.

Now that I have spent a few days away from him NC, I see how disturbed he has to be to have done the things he did. If something didn't go his way, no matter how small or silly it was, he would throw me out or make me leave his home, then ignore me.

It's tough right now, as he was very dear to me many times, but I guess I can't think of those times. He has a side to him that no girl deserves to see..

 

wow, that's the best reason for seeking professional help i've seen in a long time! he's going to continue to have this problem in his relationships, i imagine. that's the kind of deep-rooted problem that doesn't get solved easily.

 

getting yelled at and thrown out sounds awful! i can't imagine having to go through that.

 

when i got too nostalgic about my ex, something that helped me was talking to a girlfriend who hadn't heard all the gory details and describing some of the specific things my ex said or did. the normal reaction was, "WHAT!? what a jerk! i can't believe him! omigod! alkasdflkasfas! i hate him, he doesn't deserve you!" that kind of thing. seeing them react to him with such shock and anger helped ME see him through their eyes and get angry with him again, because in my head i was being way too easy on him. so maybe you could try calling a friend next time you're in need of a reality check.