My non-relationship...

[whatsagirltodo]

My boyfriend is very odd. I still call him my boyfriend...He calls me his girlfriend to everyone except me. We "broke up" about a month and a half ago. He said he's just not interested in a relationship. That he doesn't feel like he can be a good boyfriend. However, our relationship went on like we were still bf and gf but didn't define ourselves as a couple. He still introduces me to people as his girlfriend and tells me things that he told other people about his "girlfriend" (me!). Things have been fine, like we're still a couple, but we have had arguments about different silly things.

 

His story is: he is working full time and going to college full time. He lives an hour from me, his job, and his school (his job and school are close to me though, but he goes to class in the morning and works til 10pm - he can't sleep at my place, i live with relatives-he lives with his parents) He also has depression and doesn't make enough money to even pay his bills. He is 6 years older than me. He is shy and unsociable. He has no friends and only his immediate family (mom, brother, and dad that he really doesn't get along with-he is from another country, been living in the us for about 13 years)

 

My story is: I'm 20, have a career-never went to college, just got a promotion and now make $3.50 more an hour than my boyfriend - which i know bothers him since he is going to be 26 and is still in college (b/c he dropped out before). i have a lot going for me, and i enjoy my life.

 

I rarely call him, because his schedule is so sporadic. He voluntarily calls me nearly every single day.

 

However, we haven't done anything together in 3 weeks. I've seen him b/c he stopped by my place when i got my wisdom teeth out and i've stopped by his work.

 

 

 

 

We fought about some dumb things:

 

1. He always thinks i'm mad at him and will call me at random times just to ask me if i'm mad at him, because he says he can't think about anything else if he thinks i'm mad at him....

 

2. He insists i say "i love you" when we hang up - which we fought about for hours one day - but when he didn't say it to me the very next day, i got upset and called him back, and we fought for hours on the phone, at the end of which, he told me he loved me...tonite he called me and i was out to dinner with friends (at 9:30pm) after i spent all day at an amusement park (he was at work, and in a bad mood-and he didn't say i love you-but i didn't push it, i just said i love you and bye)

 

3. I have to get a procedure done at my gyno and i could possibly have precancerous cells or at the very worst, cervical cancer. I know that whatever it is i'm young and they'll probably just get rid of it. I don't need anyone to go with me, but i asked my bf to go and he said he didn't know if he could get off work (his boss is a huge jerk), i told him it was no big deal and i could just get my one friend to go. He threw a fit and kept insisting that he wants to be there for me and he feels like a jerk and was just beating himself up about not being able to take me.

 

 

I just don't know how to feel about this situation. I love him, and he tells me all the time he loves me. He calls me randomly just to tell me that. Sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in this situation because we used to have an awesome time together and then all of a sudden things changed and he became this dark, gloomy person that thinks i'd be better off with someone else because he's "just not good enough"...

 

The last time we were together though, we ended up spending three days straight together. I'm just confused.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Take care of yourself first and go to see the doctor with your friends if you could not go with him. I understand it must be terrifying to go there alone.

 

Are you happy with him?

He has low self-esteem which cause him to think that you are better off with someone else. He seriously need to build up his confidence as he is affected by depression.

[whatsagirltodo]

He just seems to be hot and cold with me and because of how things have been in the past I'm never certain what I should do. I don't want to regret dumping him completely, because we have been such good friends for a long time and he is like a part of my family - as i am his. I want to be with him and it seems like he wants to be with me-but the whole situation is confusing.

 

I really wish I would have gotten more response to this post. I guess because it was so long.

 

As for building up his confidence, he never wants to hear anything nice I have to say about him. He always gets upset if i compliment him and tries to tell me how my opinion of him is "wrong". That's not really an issue for me, as his depression is something I've learned about and can approach really well.

 

We talked to tonite and it was all "i love you" "i miss you" and it frustrates me b/c he had the day off and he said if he called me to come over he never would have wanted me to leave, (and then he never would have been able to study for his two exams tomorrow) and he kept asking if i was mad. which of course i did not care, since i know how stressful things are for him and i wasn't feeling so great anyhow.

 

Anyway, if anyone else can give me any insight, i'd really appreciate it.

[Tonk]

Sounds like a difficult situation to me. It sounds like his problems go beyond just self confidence and he needs to seek professional help if he isnt already.

 

Depression can be a very serious disease and depending on its level may need some form of therapy or even drugs to control.

 

It sounds like he doesnt love himself and so it is difficult for him to love someone else. I have friends that are in relationships like this and they can be put extra pressures on a couple. I dont know if there is support groups for people that are dealing with similar situation, I imagine there must be. I think if you care about him and want your relationship to continue it may be worth seeking such a group as you may need to talk to people in similar situations to really understand and be able to talk. as you will need this extra strength to be with someone who is so depressed.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

He seems to care for you a lot.

 

Having a girl friend come over before the exam day, there is no doubt that it is really hard to concentrate. LOL!

 

May be you could read some books like with a depressed person" or "how to coupe with depression". You could find some internet resource on the net to get some insight about how a depressed person feel. Normally they will feel gloomy and dull. I hope this could help.

[Momene]

I think your life situations are driving you apart and you can't make any plans until he graduates.

[whatsagirltodo]

Thank you Momene. Once again you hit the nail on the head with the very thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind - but I didn't want to make any assumptions.

 

I think we could have something great together if he ever gets his life in order. I just don't know if I should stick around never knowing when that would be and having him upset me all the time with his random hot and coldness...But I fear regretting not sticking it out and missing out on something that could be amazing.

[Momene]

In that case, set a time limit to see if things improve and, if they don't, it's time to dump.