Worried...

[librarychick]

Things have been going great with the new bf. We've been together only a couple of months, but we're really connecting. (It's not just me who thinks this, he's made a few comments too.) Well, a few days ago I had a small "Insecurity Breakdown". I told him I was sorry about it and it wouldn't happen again. You know, old habits and all. (He broke it off with his ex fiance because of her serious insecurities.) He said it was fine, he understood.

 

The next day he called me after work and said he'd see me Wed night for our walk. (We go for a walk every Wed. night when he gets out of work.) Well, he didn't call last night. I called his house and his mother said he wasn't home from work, she was a little worried because she thought he was out with me.

 

So... I didn't hear from him. I called today from work and got the machine. (I didn't leave a message.) He called back 10 minutes later. He explained that he'd had a "bad day all around" yesterday and was in a really bad mood after work so he went out and got really drunk. He didn't sound like he wanted to talk about what put him in a bad mood so I didn't press the issue. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk tonight and he said yes.

 

Did I screw up by letting out a little insecurity? Could this just be bad timing, his bad mood just days after my little breakdown? Do I just act like nothing happened? Am I nuts for thinking that since he called me back, it can't be all that bad?

 

I know I'm just rambling now, but I just needed to get this stuff out. I'm coming up on the year anniversary of the day I left my cheating husband. I thought I'd handle this better, but it seems all these insecurities are creeping back up.

[DaDancingPsych]

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet! You had a bad day (insecurities snuck in) and he had a bad day, too. Maybe they are related, maybe not. I feel that you've given him some time to think through whatever is bothering him and that you're within your right to express your concern and your desire for him to share with you. Hopefully, he'll be ready to share!

[jdheinold]

i think you're just reading too far into his behavior. we all have our ways of dealing with stress. (bad days, insecurities) he decided to get drunk and hang out. sometimes when i have a bad day i just want to be alone, even if i had plans with friends. i'll shut my phone off and just veg. i'm not trying to offend anyone by doing so, its just what i feel like doing. of course i get the "oh man you missed a killer time last night" speaches, and its ok...i did what i needed and wanted to do for myself.

 

if you're really comfortable with each other, ask what happened tonight. he's had time to cool down. he's already agreed to go on your walk, and thats a good thing.

[amtjrtcet]

I agree, don't jump to conclusions. Guys can sense insecurity even when you don't have a "breakdown" in their presense. Blow it off, don't let yourself get upset that you had a little "slip up". Remind yourself that he is lucky that you want to be with him, and so what if he doesn't call. Don't call him. Let him come to you. That'll give you some security.

[librarychick]

Thanks for the stellar advice!

[Gold Hawk]

Just getting out of a "bad marriage" it would give anyone the willies getting into a new relationship. You need to sort through your baggage slowly but do sort it out.

 

And... yep. He just may have had a bad day. This is how he deals with it. Let it ride for a bit.

 

Just because you do something "every wednesday" or by route.... doesn't mean that either one of you can't break it up a little bit and take time for yourselves. Sometimes you need that alone time. Let him have it when he needs it. And hopefully he will respect you enough to give you your space as well when you need it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ironically, it's your insecurities which prompted this post about your insecurities!

 

It's more concerning in my eyes that he can't share what it is that upset him, not your *insecurity breakdown*.

 

Take it easy

[amtjrtcet]

Gold Hawk is right.....in my opinion routine is BAD in a new relationship. For one: it starts to get boring. Plus if the routine is broken, one side of the party (usually the woman) freaks out. I think the best way to take a new realtionship is one day at a time.

[Momene]

I would be wary that if this type of behaviour re-occurs, it's a red flag.

[librarychick]

I wanted to thank you all for your advice. We talked last night. He told me about the things that had been bothering him. (Without me having to poke and pry.) He's just been having a hard time lately since he's moved back in with his parents. I know where he's coming from since I did the same thing about 6 months before he did. So things are ok with us. Thanks for the reassurance and advice!

[Momene]

Well done and good luck.

 

I'll be ordering my bridesmaid's dress in a while.

[Batya33]

I wanted to thank you all for your advice. We talked last night. He told me about the things that had been bothering him. (Without me having to poke and pry.) He's just been having a hard time lately since he's moved back in with his parents. I know where he's coming from since I did the same thing about 6 months before he did. So things are ok with us. Thanks for the reassurance and advice!

 

I would however make sure that his habit of not calling you when he is upset even when you have plans does not happen again. Also, how often does he go out and get drunk? Does he do this every time he's upset? This is the time to get to know the real him - to do that, you must not focus so much on whether he likes you but on whether you like him and his values.

[librarychick]

Batya33, we discussed those things last night. He said it was not a habit of his to get drunk when he's having a bad day and he was extremely sorry for not calling me and it won't happen again. I know he's a good guy and that's why I believe him when he tells me it won't happen again.

[librarychick]

Batya33, we discussed those things last night. He said it was not a habit of his to get drunk when he's having a bad day and he was extremely sorry for not calling me and it won't happen again. I know he's a good guy and that's why I believe him when he tells me it won't happen again.

[Batya33]

Batya33, we discussed those things last night. He said it was not a habit of his to get drunk when he's having a bad day and he was extremely sorry for not calling me and it won't happen again. I know he's a good guy and that's why I believe him when he tells me it won't happen again.

 

I would say hold off a few more months -until you've known him 6-9 months, before deciding whether or not he is a good guy - I would say that about anyone not just him although when behavior like that happens early on it's good to make a note of it at least. I am not saying he's lying but his idea of what a habit is might be different from others or he might have forgotten how often this occurs.