Is it possible to end a marriage well?

[baybrat]

Has anyone out there done it? What's your advice?

 

I'm not a fighter. I'm very non-confrontational. As a result I get walked on and taken advantage of. I need to get out of this marriage. I need a plan.

[cryingeyez]

what is wrong with your marriage, how long have you been married??

[baybrat]

I've been married this time 8 years (17 years the first time). Obviously I make poor choices in men. We've been in counseling for 6 months working on teaching him not to be such a bully. Now, within the past few days he's brought his financial mess to light. I have a previous post titled "Am I being generous or stupid?"

 

I feel like I just give, give, give to him and he still has the audacity to treat me like all I do is annoy him. I've been his doormat for far too long but I just don't think I can bear another divorce like my last one. It happened 10 years ago and is still tearing up my life.

[itsallgrand]

Are you in individual councilling or seeking some other way to deal with your fear of confrontation?

 

You can leave this marriage, and that might solve one problem for you, but you'll continue to have difficulties if you don't work on this root.

 

Do you still have hope for the marriage? Ideally: would you be single or with him?

[baybrat]

Good point itsallgrand. I realize I do have a problem. After all, we all teach others how to treat us, don't we?

 

We're going to counseling together but I'm not in love with him any longer. I know it died a long time ago.

 

I have convinced myself that I want to be alone. However, I have no idea what that's like. I've been married or living with someone my entire adult life. I have no extended family... no one that can help me out if needed. If I leave him I'll be completely alone. But I've got myself believing it's worth it. Is it better to be alone or with someone and miserable?

[mynatahsa]

Hello.

 

Looks like me and you are in the same boat.....alone without any family...just a big bully husband. My first marriage lasted 16 years, this one 6.

I'm ready to go....but only emotionally .....

 

I have been studying Buddhism lately and have been getting a lot of insight there.

 

For the most part though....I am struggling with it.

 

It seems there is no easy way.....but talking to him is like talking to a wall or a bomb......

 

I know I haven't helped you figure it out....but just wanted to say that you are not alone on this one.

[baybrat]

mynatasha, do you have children? If so, does you big bully husband bully them as well?

[NJRon]

If you really want to get a divorce, then pursue mediation. It can often be better than a protracted legal battle. You will both still need lawyers, but a mediator often leads a much more civil process of compromise.

 

However, I think you *really* need to be sure that you want to end the marriage first.

[mynatahsa]

My husband used to try to.....

they are grown now....I started young.

We got into many fights over my children.

His son was able to do anything and he made all sorts of weird rules for my kids.....or rather he tried to.....unsuccessfully.

 

do you have kids? Together or ??

[baybrat]

A mediator would be great if there was one available around here. I live in the deep south... it's only 1950 here. Just having someone to sit down with and that would say that I have a valid reason for wanting out of this marriage would be wonderful.

 

You know, now that I think about it... that's what I'm waiting for. Someone to say to my husband, "you messed up. You've been disrespectful and irresponsible and you wife has valid reasons for leaving you." And in a perfect world, my husband would agree and leave peacefully.

[mynatahsa]

that's funny. me too. I am waiting for him to say "oh my gosh!...what is wrong with me..."

 

and it isn't ever going to happen.

[itsallgrand]

So you aren't seeing anyone on your own, then?

 

I really think that is your best route, especially after hearing more.

 

best wishes.

[shes2smart]

Is it better to be alone or with someone and miserable?

 

Alone. No question about that in my mind. There are probably some who would disagree, but life's too damn short to be miserable for very long.

 

Put another way: Pain is necessary for growth. Suffering is optional.

 

Besides...if you're with someone and miserable you won't exactly be single and available if you happen to meet someone who you could be with and be happy. Then again...a prerequisite for that is being happy with yourself and your life first.....

[baybrat]

The kids are a disaster (they are between 14 and 18 ). I had 2, he had 1 going into this relationship. We don't have any together. The "all sorts of weird rules for my kids" sounds so familiar! He's like a tyrant. And his child always had good intentions or didn't mean it when she misbehaved. Mine were always out to get him when they did something wrong... it was a personal act of defiance against him. Now, his child hasn't spoken to any of us (including him) in 4 years. My oldest moved in with her dad last year and isn't speaking to us. There is one child left in our home. If anything happens to my relationship with her, I just couldn't go on living.

[mynatahsa]

I'm right there with you on that.

 

My boys got tired of it and went to their dads house too.

 

No kids here now.....

 

But they are grown 18 and 20 and living on their own....

 

talk about mental and spiritual anguish and despair....talk about hell on earth.....that is what it felt like for a long time.

[mynatahsa]

Also he did act like my kids were out to get him too. It was horrible.

[baybrat]

Do you not feel like that anymore mynatasha? Hell on earth I mean.

[NJRon]

I don't think you need to have someone say that to him. If that's what you seek, then you are just trying to validate your feelings. Don't look externally to validate yourself. There's no need to.

 

Have you tried doing a search online for a divorce mediator in your county? You never know.

 

However, a mediator will not be the one to say anything to your husband. That is left solely to you.

 

My only recommendation is that you retain a lawyer first. Before doing anything to precipitate the divorce. They will have some better advice for you on the legalities.

[mynatahsa]

No, I'm ok now.

 

I've accepted it.

 

I've learned detachment.

 

And only through that I am seeing past the situation.....or through the fog of emotion that has clouded my judgement in the past.

 

I've grown.

[mynatahsa]

Ok, sometimes I still do......it catches me off guard....and ya....I do.

[mynatahsa]

Whatcha gonna do???

[baybrat]

I understand the detachment... I've practiced it myself. I used to need anti-depressants to achieve it, but now I can manage it on my own. I just don't want to go on living this way. It's like I'm just letting life waste away... waiting to get thru another set of circumstances... hoping I can hold my breath long enough.

[rose2summer]

Hey BB,

 

I am sorry you are going through this,

 

He took you to the financial cleaners,

 

And he isn't fair to you or your children,

 

I think it is good to look at all of your options,

 

Before deciding if divorce is the right decision for YOU,

 

I wish I had some great advice to give you here,

 

But I support you 100% through the process,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[mynatahsa]

I know.....I feel like I'm wasting my youth.... or what's left of it....!!!!

It's like ....being on a merry go round....and everyones saying "get off" and your so dizzy you can't....so you sit down and everything is whirling around and you are waiting for it to stop....

and it slows down....and you think....oh, it's ok....then it starts back up...and you become addicted to it...

you know there is another reality .....

but you are used to your current reality.

You know you could do better.

And you wonder when you will.

You don't want to cheat. But wonder if you would be better off cheating....

but then couldn't stand the thought of being that kind of person either....

 

well, that's how I feel sometimes anyway....

...............can you relate????

[baybrat]

Rose, I see you have noted "55 days seperation"... did you leave your husband? How'd you do it?