Update...just Found Out He Is With Someone New

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

I just found out that my ex that I have been posting about here for the past two years is with someone new.

 

HE HAS DONE THIS AGAIN...If you read my previous posts this is the third time that he has been with someone else when we have broken up.

 

Please can someone help me through this.

 

I am so completely torn, almost 10 years & this is what he does. He is already with someone new & it has only been just over a month since he broke up with me.

 

I feel like my heart is in shreads & he doesn't seem to even care that I'm alive OR WHAT HE IS DOING TO ME.

 

I am still in NC and have managed to stay in NC for just over a month as those who are familiar with my posts will know.

 

 

I really don't know what to do. He did not even end things off with me properly (I DON'T EVEN HAVE CLOSURE FROM THIS) & said he loved me a few days before he broke it off and for the past almost 10 years he kept on saying that I was the only person he ever saw himself spennding the rest of his life with.

 

I can't take this anymore ...it has all been too much.

 

I have not spoken to him since we had that last fight & he has not called or anything for just over a month. But now I know why...

 

 

I want to call him now more than ever... I want to hear it from him, I want to know how he can do this after almost 10 years, I want to know HOW he can move on so soon within a month... I want to know how he could just stop loving me just like that...What should I do.

 

I DON'T HAVE CLOSURE FROM ANYTHING...I'm messed up more than ever.

 

HELP...If I call will he just have the upper hand on this? Will I seem weak. Should I even call?

 

 

 

Please give me advice on how to handle this...I don't know what to do. I JUST WISH I COULD disappear!

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[friscodj]

Hey LA, take a deep breath and collect yourself...this situation is not what you think I am almost sure of it...

 

He has not in any way, shape, or form, "moved on". One month out of a 10-year relationship? Are you kidding me? No way...

 

This "other woman" (like those that preceded her) is clearly a rebound, an escape, someone to cushion the fall...I'd bet money on it...

 

He was however probably "out" of the relationship with you before it "officially" ended. He probably tried to make the relationship work, hence his statements to you about his love and the future, but at some point came to the realization he was kidding himself for whatever reason. After 10 years of this, I imagine it really wore him out and perhaps he is trying to make up for lost time by living life in the fast lane with the ladies as he is doing now...

 

You said you want to disappear, so do it. You need to realize no one is stopping you from doing that. But it seems you seek closure on this too. If you want to call him do it for you to get some answers and not to get back together, because I believe your relationship ended for a very valid reason or reasons which if it is to work after a reconciliation, both you and he need to address the issues which caused the split...and clearly he is not doing that right now with these other women...

 

But calling him and getting answers from him guarantees you nothing. He's been out with these other women, how deep and profound of answers do you think he will have for you? How much do you think he has processed his feelings over this? Do you think he is all together right now? People don't just leave 10-year relationships and live happily ever after. This guy is probably emotional road kill right now...

 

He seems to be avoiding the situation of the break up to me, using these other women to replace the relationship he was in for so long and maintain the familiar lifestyle being in such.

 

So your best bet at closure in this will come from you and your introspection and analysis of the situation. Believe that because it is true. You don't need to hear anything from him, you've already "heard" it through his actions...

[friscodj]

All I'm saying is if they aren't a couple anymore (and he didn't cheat on her w/his new gf) then she can't go around saying "Well, he can't date anyone else, blah blah blah." If they're not bound together then he's free to date who he wants.

 

I mean if I had a gf and we broke up and she started dating someone new a month later yea it would suck. But assuming she wasn't cheating on me w/this new guy to begin with then how can I say, "She can't date him, how could she do this to me etc. etc." b/c we wouldn't be couple anymore. That's all I'm getting at.

 

I'm sorry for the pain the OP is going through believe me.

 

I don't think this is a case of arguing the validity of technicalities in the Relationship Court of Law, it's case of her feeling hurt and feeling like this guy has dropped her like a piece of trash and moved on with these other women...

 

Telling her she shouldn't feel a certain way because "technically" this or "technically" that is ludicrous... She feels hurt, she feels like her 10-year relationship didn't mean anything to the other person because he just up and started dating these other women, and she wants to get closure and move on from this...those are the issue here...

 

And who's to say he wasn't cheating on her either? Who knows...

[itsallgrand]

Ahh. It's the vicious cycle, and it hurts. Get together, break up, he runs to another woman, you wait and suffer alone, make up - - can you tell me a little something of this part? how do you two usually end up reconciling? what happens? - -get together, break up, he runs to another woman, you wait and suffer alone.....and here you are now.

 

I think you are still in love with him. To the point that you are so involved you can not see the situation objectively at all.

 

Honestly, I don't see you calling him and attempting to find closure will work right now. It's too similiar to what you have done before: and what you have done before is bringing you pain. A relationship shouldn't bring this much pain.

 

I think calling him and asking anything of him right now would be like feeding an addiction.

He can't give you what you want and need right now, and it will hurt and sink you deeper if you keep reaching out for it.

 

What have you been doing during your NC?

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

Thanks so much for your reply's & the support.

 

 

I say 10 years, because it has almost been 10 years that we have shared. We went out for 7 years at first & then broke up, thereafter we have been on & off for the past 2 years.

 

So it has almost been 10 years that I have placed into this.

 

This is not the first time he has done this too. If you read previous posts he has hurt me over & over again. BUT THIS TIME IT IS THE WORST HE COULD OF EVER DONE.

 

 

Each time he just walks away, didn't even end off things properly with me & just walked away & a few weeks & his in someone elses arms once again.

 

 

Wlfpack81, Thnks for your reply but I am in no way saying that he cannnot be with anyone as we are no longer together. Its just how he has handled everything, all the things he has done & said, all the promises & etc... If you ever read some of my previous posts you will get an idea of where Im coming from.

 

He has hurt me beyond anything & this time has been the worst.

 

 

Sorry if I'm unclear but I just can't even type properly

 

 

 

LostAngel

[joyce1412]

i just wanted to say that i know how you feel, i found out not too long ago that my ex is probably with another. it hurt SO badly.

 

try not to think about what he may or may not be doing. it gets you absolutely nowhere, i've found. just tell yourself, "why should i care?"

 

and chances are this woman isn't a better match for him or anything like that. like frisco pointed out, someone jumping into another "relationship" like that is a BIG red flag that she is NOT the new love of his life.

 

please don't call him. it's only going to hurt you. i don't seeing you getting anything out of speaking with him.

 

stay strong!

[joyce1412]

Each time he just walks away, didn't even end off things properly with me & just walked away & a few weeks & his in someone elses arms once again.

 

in that case, the pink elephant in the room is--

 

why did you, and why do you still want to be with this guy?

 

he's hurt you so much, and has disrespected you. where do you draw the line?

[Closure]

$5 for using my name

 

OP, There is no way this guy has moved on this quick after a 10-year relationship.

 

I'd suggest he is rebounding and if it's the third time in a month then he is getting his dingaling played with and is playing the field.

 

The thing is, yes it's hard, yes it hurt's but it let's you know there's no going back and you have to start thinking about yourself and moving on with your life.

 

 

don't worry about getting closure that only comes from u anyway

 

and be positive

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

 

Just to clear things up it's not the third time in a month that he is rebounding. It is the 3rd person he has rebounded with during all the many times we have broken up in the past 2 years of being on & off.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

LostAngel

[Closure]

If you've been in a ten year relationship and he has slept with like four people, you included, maybe a few more i'd suggest this is just what happens when people get together too young.

 

It happened to me, I was in a six year and she'd never slept with anyone else, got cold feet and went and had sex with the world.

 

If you want brutal advice, let him go.

 

If you don't, hang around, still listen to what he get's up to and upsetting yourself.

 

Sooner or later you have to let him go, for the good of YOU.

 

Hi

 

 

Just to clear things up it's not the third time in a month that he is rebounding. It is the 3rd person he has rebounded with during all the many times we have broken up in the past 2 years of being on & off.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

LostAngel

[moonflowers]

LostAngel, I think I can sympathize... when I found out my ex had a new girl just four months after breaking up with me, I felt like I'd been dumped all over again. It's not a nice feeling, the thought of being "so easily replaced."

 

I know you probably find it hard to accept now, but at some point (probably sooner than you imagine), once you've really let go of the hope of getting him back, you will be able to look back on the happy moments of the relationship without pain and cherish them for what they are. I can't believe I'm saying this now, just two months after finding out about his new girl, but it's true, and it can be true for you too. The key is to let go.

 

Don't worry too much about being forgotten. I don't mean to say that your ex is pining for you, but he can't ever wipe you completely from his mind. No matter how "coldhearted" he is, as long as he's human and has a functioning memory, your ex will never again be able to feel the way he did when he was with you, because each and every relationship is different. His memories of you are unique and will always be, no matter how many other lovers he takes in the future.

 

In the meantime - focus on yourself. Stay firmly in your NC. Seek out a therapist or counselor if you need to. Read self-help books about rebuilding your self-esteem. Go easy on yourself and refuse to cave to the urge to look at his webpages / profiles. Do everything they tell you to do after a breakup, only more persistently. Be strong and commit to personal growth instead of taking the "shortcut" of a rebound relationship. Once you're committed to personal growth, you will never look back.

 

Best wishes - you will survive.

[Bingo72]

Why do you keep taking him back? That's the problem, if you've been with him 10 years and this is the third time that should tell you something.

 

It sounds like he gets tired of the relationship with you and then goes out to get a 'taste' of someone new. What makes you want him back after he's been with other people.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh but you've given him ten years of your youth, if being with you so far hasn't stopped him from moving onto other people then why would he not do it after 20 years.

[Caterina]

No offense but you 2 aren't together anymore so he can date whom he well chooses (just like you). If your concerned that you were being cheated on w/his new girl b/c he got into a new relationship w/her so soon then that I can understand. But if it turns out he didn't cheat on you w/this girl then I'm sorry, you just have to deal with it.

You don't understand the pain of seeing someone you loved with someone else?

[RayKay]

LostAngel,

 

I have been following your story over the last couple years and I will say again what I have said before, closure is only going to come from within yourself...and only when you make the choice to move forward and on and leave this guy in the past.

 

I know you were with him a long time, but that is no reason to waste the last three years and even more of your life on someone whom is showing you over and over they do not respect you nor are they going to treat you as you deserve. The bottom line is he will KEEP doing this to you over and over as you are allowing that in your life...it is time to stay NO MORE and move forward.

 

Yes, it is painful seeing him with someone else, but unfortunately that is the nature of this on and off dynamic you now have together and it is also why you need to move forward - because as harsh as it is he is telling you over and over by actions you are NOT the one for him, and you are NOT a priority in his life...and honey YOU deserve better than that - and it will only happen with someone else at this point.

 

Even if he does crawl back, you need to move on...because experience has shown you it is only temporary.

[g44]

i'm just gonna go back to whatever it is i was

 

i can't keep hurting so many people

[Mr. Stealth]

dont worry miss.

fast relation short after a breakup mostly never stay long.

must have been that he has already plans to go away from you and that the other girl was already in the game for a while.

but dont worry a girl like you diserves better.

just hang on and you will find someone else.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

These last two days have been the most confusing yet. I have so many things running through my mind. I don't even know what to think anymore, except... HOW COULD HE DO THIS?

 

At one moment I'm okay, then I'm angry, then crying my eyes out. I'm just so emotionally mixed up that I just don't know how to deal with this.

 

When is this pain going to go away. I can't take it anymore. He has ripped me apart & seems to be fine with it all.

 

 

Right now I'm thinking everything with him was a lie, that he did not love me as he said he did.

 

 

How could he do this to us, after all these years...I just can't understand.

 

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[blender]

He didn't do this to YOU, he did it to HIMSELF.. it's his loss, keep saying this to yourself, no woman will cure him of this "life pattern"...

 

try not to think of it as "how can he leave ME so easily?" instead ask yourself "Do I want to be with a man who leaves women so easily?"

 

I answered your pm as well, just sent a reply, the rest of my thoughts are there for you, best blender

[blender]

P.S. reminder of what I sent you before...

 

both these emotions, LOVE and REJECTION mean the same to him, and that is "not very much". so do NOT give his "rejection" power, because his "love" doesn't seem to have any power anyway...right?

 

because the same goes for when he says "I love you" to you, he's NOT really thinking about how it makes YOU feel, it just makes HIM feel good at the time, he means it in the moment, he believes it, he wants to say it, BUT it's just another part of his pattern... just like the "breaking up" part, the "I love you" part, it's all a part of HIS pattern...he's not running away from YOU, he's running away from HIMSELF.

 

Because in order to "keep someone as special as you" in HIS selfish life, he'd have to make a choice to become a decent, mature, emotionally responsible, committed man.... and that's too scary for him and he can NOT do it.. his Life pattern is PROOF of this..

 

I hate to hear you hurting so much over this jerk, and I understand how much you "feel" for him, but remember keep considering the "facts" and know that those FACTS won't change, but your FEELINGS will pass in time, once you start to "grow" and change this "bad habit" that he has become.... and yes, it's so hard to break habits, but that is what this relationship has become... a bad habit... YOUR LOVE IS AUTHENTIC, his is "his version" of what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and that includes dating three other women during your relationship..

 

don't you think he's hurt them too? They have feelings too... and he doesn't care... he only thinks of himself and runs away whenever a GREAT GIRL like you, expects him to be mature, kind, loving, committed and mature.. he's a big baby... and you will be grateful this all happened at some point.

 

 

For now.. just breathe, trust that everything is happening exactly as it is suppose to and the best is right AHEAD OF YOU, not behind you....

[LostAngel]

Hi Blender

 

Thanks so much.

 

You are helping me so much.

 

I sent you a PM.

 

 

LostAngel