i finally done it

[sfindependent]

i took out my myspace. completely. at first i took her off my list, and then i found myself looking at her page more and more. so I said, enough. I dont have time to do that anymore. she said she gave her number out to a guy, and said to me she's moved on. I have to do that myself. I have other friends there but they all remind me of her.

 

strange, I feel like ive lost a limb. maybe ill spend more time hanging out here at this website more than before.

 

i hope i did the right thing.

[avman]

Good for you. It's a very cleansing thing going through that process. Delete her numbers from your cell phone, remove her from instant messenger, remove online contacts, etc.

 

You most certainly did the right thing. Congratulations!

[friscodj]

You done real good my friend. This post should be stickied because a lot of folks around here could take a note from this.

 

That "limb" you lost will grow back, guaranteed...

[sfindependent]

I called her and i told her i took out the page, i know i shouldnt. I asked her if she planned on calling me later on. And she said I dont know if you still want me to call you. so ill write her this, and just tell her to read my letter when she does.

 

 

"I do want you to call. But i dont want idle chit chat, i dont want coldness and i dont want pointless conversations leading to anger, jealousy and lies. The thing is, when you do call me (or even hang out with me), i want it to be constructive for us. be whatever constructiveness it may lead to, friendship or more, i do not expect things to get better at the drop of a dime and i undestand it may take a while to get thngs better, but i'll be stronger knowing im not alone. I want it to mean something to you and i want it to be genuine. I want you to want to get to know me better and trust me as much as I want to do the same for you. I want you to share your real self to me.

 

when you did tell me honestly, that you went out with the guys last night and with other people whom you didnt know, it bothered me. but when you told me you gave your number out to another guy someone you just met at a restaurant, i realized my real limit and what i really want from someone. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me and would rather other people to spend their time with. its understandable if u want to hang with your friends, and its always been cool, but when you would rather other people than me all the time, then thats a different story.I want faithfulness and friendship from my partner. when you said you wanted to meet other people, i thought it was worth staying for you just so that i can be there for you still for the more important things in your life like your family and your school and you because thats how much i cared. i am worth more than being put aside for a rainy day. i am worth giving another chance. I deserve to be treated with respect, and with value as ive said earlier. I deserve to be treated the same way i give my heart and commit myself to your happiness and security. I have not tried to hook up with other people ever since we broke up, despite what you might think. I took myspace out becuase I do not use it for any other reason other than email YOU and write my blogs. I do not use it for the same reasons I was using it before. I grew up and realized that the only person I wanted to get to know better and spend a great deal of time with by committing a great deal of myself to was sitting right beside me on the couch. I will not be defined by a few "about me" remarks and I will not depend on other people's comments and the number of friends I have on my friends list to define who i am. my actions and the way i treat the people who i love in real life is what would define me as a loving person. ive said a lot of things and wrote a lot of things that may not be believable to you anymore, i've contradicted myself alot of times and maybe even done things that you didnt expect me to do in the name of "love". but then again, you never believed how much i truly cared for you and your happiness and how much of a man I really am in upholding my principles beliefs and the things I really value in life.

 

when I do i want you to call? when you're ready to open your eyes and open your heart for me and what I do and who i really am."

[sfindependent]

I couldnt take her off completely. I cant delete her number. one of the things ive learned from this break up is keeping my word. I promised her mom i would keep a look out for her (she moved her for school and her whole family is from texas) and I told her ill take better care of her daughter. I also love her enough not to break off completely by ignoring her if she ever needed me.

 

and you know what, i dont feel as bad as i thought i would even if its just been a few minutes since i deleted it. i feel empowered knowing i can do something big like that. giving up myspace also means I wont know what shows she will be attending (our mutual friend posts up bulletins) because I will probably want to go there as well....

[caliboy_2007]

I couldnt take her off completely. I cant delete her number. one of the things ive learned from this break up is keeping my word. I promised her mom i would keep a look out for her (she moved her for school and her whole family is from texas) and I told her ill take better care of her daughter. I also love her enough not to break off completely by ignoring her if she ever needed me.

 

and you know what, i dont feel as bad as i thought i would even if its just been a few minutes since i deleted it. i feel empowered knowing i can do something big like that. giving up myspace also means I wont know what shows she will be attending (our mutual friend posts up bulletins) because I will probably want to go there as well....

 

I'm in the same boat with you. I read your letter and I was shocked of how much it would look like mine to my GF (she broke up last night).

 

 

Still crying and trying to deal with my own break up.

Good Luck, wish you the best

[hulk7280]

sometimes you have to love yourself enough to be able let go and ignore her.. because as long as she is still in your life and heart you will always hurt..

[sfindependent]

thank you! so i dont know whether or not to send that letter. eh. the horse is already dead, might as well kick it one more time.

[caliboy_2007]

bogswagen,

 

I'm broken hearted myself but my opinion: We deserve the best from our women and they deserve the best from us. Coming from my breakup, I did the best for her, stayed for her for 20 months, just to hear she is not "IN LOVE" with me but she cares for me. it was/is/will be devestating. I'd say send it but please talk to some more people before sending it.

[sfindependent]

i told her id rather be alone than be with someone who would love me a lot less than i do her.

 

which is sort of true. i do want to find my own way. but i have so much residual feelings, so much more i want to do withher and for her that i cannot seem to make ends meet at most times. I couldnt concentrate but now, after doing that, i feel a little bit more head strong! It might be small but it was worth something to me and it affected me the way I didnt want to. I'm sure she wud be putting a lot more "friends" on there but that's the whole reason why i dont want to be around that. its kind of like me going to the shows knowing she's there too. I dont want to see her flirting and kissing and what not men other than me.

 

just knowing what could happen makes me want to throw up.

[friscodj]

You say you "know" you shouldn't so why did you do it then?

 

And you asked her if she is planning on calling you? The problem here is that you are focusing your actions and motivations on her instead of on you.

 

The big thing she says "she doesn't know if you still want her to call you". This says to me she is trying to let you down easy, looking out for you by asking you this. That's my feeling.

 

So sending her that letter is going to prove fruitless. I think if anything she will take pity on you. The last thing I would ever want a woman to do is take pity on me because of my feelings for her. Is this what you want? This woman is gone my friend. Your letter is not going to make her open her eyes or realize anything.

 

If you want to send her a letter, I would send one that slams the door on this for good for your peace of mind. Walk away with your head held high knowing you sacked up and handled this like a man.

[stopit]

Did you send the letter?

 

Based on your previous posts, she just needs time and space to explore life without you. I wouldn't guarantee that this will make her miss you, but after all that the both of you have been through, you need to experience a life apart from her. Sending her that ultimatum of sorts is probably just going to pressure her more and make her feel uneasy and scared about the commitment you're asking her to give (without reason to believe that she'll give it in the first place, based on the fact that she's already giving her number out to guys; i.e. moving on). You already know the response you would get from that letter, you know your imposing leverage that you don't really have. Arming up more artillery by threatening no contact is just going to alienate her and compromise her offer for friendship with you (which you know you cannot settle for, which is good).

 

It's worth a shot maybe to kick that horse, but as the trainer of that horse don't you think it's a bit of a blow to yourself and your ego to see one last bout of blood squirt from that horse's open wounds? It's time to bury the horse properly, put it beneath the ground and out of sight and follow her lead and move on! You need time for yourself right now, time to grieve a bit and then collect yourself and continue with your studies and with your life. Treat yourself to your right to alone time and social time hanging out with friends, and just focus on yourself right now.

[friscodj]

It's worth a shot maybe to kick that horse, but as the trainer of that horse don't you think it's a bit of a blow to yourself and your ego to see one last bout of blood squirt from that horse's open wounds? It's time to bury the horse properly, put it beneath the ground and out of sight and follow her lead and move on!

 

Great analogy, I'm taking notes here...

 

And it sure sounds like you aren't convinced the horse is dead yet. It sounds like you are trying to beat the horse back to life to me...

[sfindependent]

ugh. friscodj, you have a way of breaking the truth. now i feel a lot more misreable than how i did this morning.

 

but you're right. setting up ultimatums is not the way i should do it.

 

i will try my best to accept this fate i have been dealt with.

[friscodj]

Hey man, I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I am sorry about that. I'm trying to get you to see a perspective outside of that perspective masked by your feelings.

 

Everytime I've been in situations like this (and I've been in about 6 or 7 in the past 15 years), and felt like you describe, people, friends, and family always challenged my perspective. I stubbornly refused to listen because I thought my situation was different, it was special and unlike any other situation like this ever.

 

After I received my beating by reality and my nuts finally turned themselves right side out again after the feelings faded, it became so clear to me how right these people were.

 

I'm trying to save you the agony my friend of getting your nuts kicked in...

 

Step one is realizing it is over. Denial is a huge barrier to overcome. Sometimes the truth stings at first but being stung is a lot better than dying a slow agonizing emotional death...

[now_better]

it sounds like you're going through a case of "life sucks", unfortunately, it really does sometimes... but when you're so far down, the only way to go is up. and people have given great advice, it's just so difficult to swallow the bitter medicine sometimes. delete her phone number, her e-mails, any pictures... anything that reminds you of her. put it in a box and give it to a friend (or throw it away depending on how drastic you want to be).

 

don't contact her. don't try to be her friend (you're not in the right emotional state to be her friend right now). let her go so you can let go of the pain. the sooner you do this, the sooner you'll be on your way to recovery. and it can often be a long road, so start today. let us know your progress.

[hosswhispra]

You done real good my friend. This post should be stickied because a lot of folks around here could take a note from this.

 

That "limb" you lost will grow back, guaranteed...

 

Thanks...this gives me hope too.

[sfindependent]

yes, i know i'm in denial. I've treated this girl so well and I admit, we started out at the wrong foot, but i spent a year trying to make up for stuff i wish i didnt do. but when she tells me "you're just a friend right now, you should make use of the time I spent with you" and starts going out with other men, and goes to parties when I only want to devote time with her. it doesnt make me want her back even more. i know she has a life to live herself, but I feel i've been seriously devalued and degraded by how she treats me, even if we're only friends, and I don't need those kind of people in my life, especially when all i've wanted was for us and me to get better with everything in life. I've struggled to change my ways and have done so for her, even when we were together, but then again, if she doesnt realize that, why would I want to stick around for someone like that?

[stopit]

In her defense, she hasn't done anything wrong. Somethings you just can't get over. It's a hard yet very real fact of life.

 

Just because you're qualified, doesn't mean you get the job. She's in a different place right now and that's something you have to respect. She hasn't wronged you in any way. She isn't cheating on you because she isn't with you and hasn't been for (what I remember to be, though correct me if I'm wrong) several months. The truth is, however harsh and blunt this may be, you have nothing against her. The devaluement you feel is a result of you setting yourself up for it (she's single and looking and that's okay - she's not doing it to spite you but because she's young and single and apparently looking). Maybe when you realize that the resentment you're feeling is unwarranted, you'll be able to heal faster.

[rmpavlock]

When you are trying to get over a break up, the best thing you can do is cut off all contact. It's one of the hardest things to do, but you will also get over it a lot faster.

[g44]

i was married for a long time and for reasons i will keep to myself i had to end my marriage and take the lumps of being the 'faithful one' yet the one that had to give somethings up because of her mistake. and the was hard but because we truly respected each other and worked together thru the bad stuff and never stopped communicating, we are the best of friends now and actually get along better than when we were married and there is never a time now where we feel anything up respect for each other. so, being friends after a breakup is possible. however, that takes two people and an understanding and commitment to respect the other purpose without thinking there are hidden agendas. i contrast that with how my last relationship broke up and it is night and day. and as much as i would like to be friends with this person [because i value her as a person - not as someone you play games with], i know now that we will not be anything other than two people that once had something great and blew it. and that is simply because at some point u have to stop letting yourself be devalued and when u do that u become not jsut who u were but more because of what u have learned and done afterwards. when u have pushed yourself to extremes and challenged your heart, mind and soul - u really grow as a person. when u can be naked to the world and allow honesty to show and stand up as u r covered in mud - and still feel good about yourself and what you tried to accomplish and did. that is when u soar and see the sky is blue not black. and the amazing thing that happens when u do that is your are immediately rewarded for that effort in ways u never imagined. so, for everyone out there that has put there faith in themselves on hold in order to follow a path that seems right, remember that there will come a moment when the light switch is turned on and instead of beating yourself up - you will see that everything u did to try to hang on has actually made u stronger because those who fight to believe are the ones that can share again without doubt and those who can't will share again in their own way, with someone other than you and they will be happy as well because we each go thru life in our own unique way. i wish everyone who has ever had a relationship fall apart too soon to give themselves a hug and a smile and be thankful for what u had, what u have become and where u are headed. much happiness and joy.