Broke her heart now what do I do (LONG)

[ibenhad]

5 years ago I met a girl that worked with me. She was 12 years younger than I and it was not OK to date people you worked with. I had just gotten divorced recently at the time and we fell in love and moved in together. We had to hide our relationship from almost everyone. She took me to meet her parents and they (mom) didn't like me. Dad was OK. She didn't tell them we lived together till we were over. After 1 year I told her I was moving back into my ex-wives house and was going to re-address that relationship. That never happened. I moved back to my own room and whenever the ex asked if we could work on things I said I was still emotionally attached to the GF. I was also seeing the GF as friends with benefits. This lasted 3 years. The GF has been dealing with some serious depression over the death of a loved one and had been pulling away from anyone she loved for several months. She started to pull away from me and this is when I realized how much she truly meant and that I wanted to be with this woman. She also told me the only reason she stayed around this area for 3 years was for me. She also said she was now 27 and needed a title and wanted a child. When she first asked I said there was nothing I could do but 2 weeks of real deep thought and knowing I wanted to be with her forever I bought an engagement ring and asked her to marry me.

 

Now I was not yet out of the ex-wives house and promised the GF that I would be out as soon as I could. She said no that the timing wasn't right and then changed her mind to maybe. That was 7/10/06. I am now out of my ex-wives house and the GF has backed almost completely out of my life. She calls 3 -4 times a day and we talk but she never wants to see me. She had claimed she was overwhelmed and confused. Now she keeps saying I will go back to my ex again. I have been in my new place for 2 weeks and she has not even come to see it. On 8/6/06 she had my buy a 2700$ couch for us and the place? I don't understand. She says she loves me more than anything and that she cannot picture herself with anyone else. I am lost and do not know what to do. I have posted other places and they say just give her time and no pressure. I also try not to make things about me when we talk. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I know I hurt her and the living with my ex was tough for her, but I truly love her and will never leave or hurt her again.

 

I think I originally ran back to what she calls my comfort zone because she was very young and had many of the same issues my first wife had. I also think I was kind of mourning over my divorce and that I broke it off with her because I felt being old and her not telling her parents she would dump me anyway. So I broke my own heart to save myself. Really lost and just looking for any feedback I can get. Thanks for reading.

[NJRon]

Welcome to ENA. It sound slike you have had quite a few years of drama. From what you are saying, your girlfriend really loves you but, as you left at one point, she is afraid that you will leave again. In addition, I'm sure she feels a little betrayed by the fact that you said you were going back to your ex-wife to work things out, yet never let go of your girlfriend to really allow that to happen. So, your reasoning for leaving her in the first place wasn't really the truth.

 

It really hasn't been very long, versus 3 whole years of going through what you have gone thorugh. Your grilfriend seems willing to work with you here, but probably wants to take things slow. Just because *you* are suddenly ready, doesn't mean she is. Give her some time and make sure that you do everything in your power to create a safe and secure environment. You need to put in the work to *show* her you are really serious... words don't mean a lot.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[ibenhad]

Yes she does feel angry over that and I try to tell her I will never go back. She is deeply hurt and that hurts me. I finally realize the pain I put her through and I feel like s**t over it. I hope she comes around. We finally went to my job and announced the sort of engagement and it was like a coming out for us and I thought that would help some. She has come out to meet my friends and tell all them. However she is hesitant to tell her friends. Maybe she doesn't want them to know till she is secure so she doesn't look like an idiot if I go back. Which I will not do. I at one point told her I would never marry again and did not want children. That has all changed and I want that with only her. That should say something, right? Thanks...

[NJRon]

Yeah.. it says a lot.. but is yet to be seen.

 

She waited 3 years for you to get yourself together. You need to recognize that sacrifice and be prepared to return the same. On thing you showed was through the public announcement. That's a good first step. Beyond that... it's all words. Your suffering is not so great a burden to suffer for what you inflicted. Forgive yourself th guilt and get on with living... just go with the flow.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you here... you just need to be patient and continue *showing* how you *feel*... telling her is a necesity also, but will do nothing to build anythign... only action in line with your words will build trust. That's true for *every* relationship... friend to lover...

[ibenhad]

NJron thanks. I am going to tell her that I love her more than anything and that I am there for her but I am dying emotionally and I need her to stop calling. That my door is always open any time day or night that I am not leaving her and that I still want her to be my wife and have our children. Basically that I need time to get my life in order and the calls cause me to much emotional distress. Sound good?

[ibenhad]

Ellie2006 I agree but I guess what you said is what I meant. Make sense. I have to let her know that I am here for her but that I cannot take the emotional abuse anymore. If she wants to come see me and talk about where we are headed and such fine but these brief calls to keep me hangin on the line and waiting in the wings while she goes out almost every night to run from her problems is BS. If she wants to work on us fine if not have a good life. This is going to be hard for me because I don't ever want to lose her but I cannot be a doormat anymore. I need to be the strong man she loved/loves not the crying depressed wuss I have become. Only I can take that power back and everyone says she will wake up and see. I hope they are right.

[NJRon]

NJron thanks. I am going to tell her that I love her more than anything and that I am there for her but I am dying emotionally and I need her to stop calling. That my door is always open any time day or night that I am not leaving her and that I still want her to be my wife and have our children. Basically that I need time to get my life in order and the calls cause me to much emotional distress. Sound good?

 

You can't tell someone you love them more than anything and that you will always be there for them... but don't call anymore.

 

Why are you so desperate here? I sense that you are just reaching out, blindly. If you need to be alone, then do it. Cut it off entirely. If you want to be with her, then do that. But, I don't see what playing this game of running away unless she decides to drop her whole life (which she put on hold for you for 3 years) is going to gain.

 

I think I am missing something here. How is she acting now... in general..Both with you and in her personal life?

[ibenhad]

I guess what you are missing is I haven't seen her in almost 2 weeks. She calls me several times a day and talks very non anything to me and never makes an effort to hang out. Yet almost every night goes out to Karaoke. Im tired of being brushed aside and if Karaoke is more important than working on us so be it. She knows that the Karaoke is a big problem for me and often used to hise it from me as I thought she liked the guy who runs it. Which I have come to believe is not true but she still gets very decitful about it... No Im not going there tonight and then the next day Ill find out sure enough she went. It's always I just stopped out to sing a few as she does love to sing. I just feel as I have become a doormat and she knows that I willl be here waiting and crying and telling her I love her so she holds all the cards. She can do whatever she wants and my wuss * * * will just be here like yes dear no dear and I'm damn tired of it. She needs to stop playing me like this.

 

So if I tell her to leave me alone unless she wants to come see me and talk about us this may make her see whats she's missing. I also have to enforce that I love her and am not leaving her but that I will not be abused anymore. I am a human being and I have feelings too. You can't tell someone your working on things and never see them and run all over town everynight making them and yourself look like and A**H**E.

[ibenhad]

I forgot to add that right now I don't even feel as though she is treating me like a friend. The only reason she calls is so I stay hanging on. It's like I want to do whatever I want and I know if I just call him he loves me and that will be enough to keep him hanging. She can have her cake and eat it too. Well no more!!!!

[NJRon]

Keep in mind I am just an objective observer of the situation, so, while I can't know everything you know, I am looking at this from a totally different angle you are. So, I am just going to throw some things out there for you to think on because, it seem like you should be reflecting on the situation as a whole and how you can work on *yourself* ... and not how you can get what you want from this other girl, or anyone else for that matter.

 

You were recently divorced. Often, when people are recently dicorce, they are in pain and they reach out for someone not from their "whole" self... but out of need to ease that pain.

 

You lived with this girl for 1 year. I assume, given the timeframe, you were actually moving toward potential marriage with her. However, you felt it necessary to go back and try to work with your ex-wife. If this is the case, I am assuming that you had contact with the ex during your relationship with this girl. Duting this time back with your ex, you still maintained contact (and even relations) with the girl.

 

Then, the girl began to withdraw due to grief. And you decided you didn't want to lose her. She was slipping from your grasp and you decided to leave the situation with your ex, and get out on your own.

 

Now, after 2 weeks of being on your own, she is still pulling away and you are trying to get her to come back to her by demanding that she choose to get serious or not bother.

 

All *I* see here is that for, at least, the last 5 years you have been used to controlling this girl. You kept her hanging in the wings while you went back to your ex, and, as long as she was in the wings, you felt no reason to change things. I don't know why you decided to not even try to patch things with your wife if that was your original intention. You cannot focus on one relationship while trying to maintain another.

 

Seeing this girl slip away, you decided to exert even greater manipulation of the situation by suddenly moving out and give her a ring. Professing your undying love (after 5 years of being strung along).

 

Now, it's 2 weeks later and she hasn't come running back to you to start your life together.

 

You are concerned about her possibly being attracted to someone else and you are thinking she may be deceitful when she denies it.

 

This whole relationship is built on a very strange dynamic of desire, attachment and control. From both of you. A person that felt love for themselves would not have allowed you to maintain this FWB relationship for 3 years while you were with your ex-wife. She should have cut things off when you made your decision to leave that relationship and return to the old.

 

You haven't even spent enough time alone during the last 5 years after your divorce to truly move on... you have just been waffling between who you should be with. Grasping at her, then your ex, then her again. I do not think you actually know how to love this girl, because your actions do not seem to reflect those that would come from a place of love.

 

I am going to urge you to take a serious step back and look at yourself. Why do you feel this compulsion? Why when she pulls away do you struggle harder for her to be closer? Why, when you pulled away, she struggled hard to be closer? It is not a healthy dynamic for a person, and especially not for a relationship.

 

This is all said with respect. While not having the exact thing happen to me, I have experienced this dynamic in the wake of my divorce. Not allowing the time appropriate to heal is a very detrimental thing. You are never able to really pull your head together and, instead wind up reacting to your environment in strange ways, focusing on others instead of you and, in general, not becoming the whole person you need to become so that you can offer love, instead of just desiring it.

 

As for your very last line, don't forget that for the last 3 years you have had your cake and eaten it too. It is now, after a mere 2 weeks you are demanding her to stop that.

 

Look to yourself. Not her.

 

Best wishes...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yet almost every night goes out to Karaoke. Im tired of being brushed aside and if Karaoke is more important than working on us so be it. She knows that the Karaoke is a big problem for me and often used to hise it from me as I thought she liked the guy who runs it. Which I have come to believe is not true but she still gets very decitful about it... No Im not going there tonight and then the next day Ill find out sure enough she went. It's always I just stopped out to sing a few as she does love to sing.

 

I absolutely agree with NJRon. In addition, the whole Karaoke thing smacks of control as well. You thought she liked the guy who runs it but now you realize that is not true. She just likes to sing. How adamant have you been about her not going to Karaoke? Maybe that is why she doesn't tell you. What is wrong with her going to Karaoke if she is just singing? If this is what she likes to do, why shouldn't she have her own interests. Maybe she needs some time to regroup. I am sure she was hurting pretty badly for the three years you were living with your ex-wife.

[ibenhad]

Ok I guess I need to clarify my post. I was divorced 5 years ago. Several months before I hooked up with GF. We moved in together about 1 year later. I did have contact with my ex in a very limited capacity as I still had some personal effects at her house (motorcycles and such) no physical contact though. Now the GF started this grief back in April or May and I was there for her and trying to help. I did not string her along for the 5 years but yes FWB for 3 years was along time. I am not trying to manipulate or control her and never have. She can take all the time in the world to do whatever it is she needs to do. I just cannot have my heart abused for 1/4 of a year while she goes out and has a good time everynight. She can do Karaoke for the rest of her life for all I care I just want to be the person she wakes up next to in the AM. I always knew she liked to sing but she was secretive and hid allot about how this guy picks her up everynight and drives her home. I am not the jealous type but we all know men have motives behind most everything they do with women. I do have a motive and that is to be in a loving caring relationship with the woman I love.

[NJRon]

I didn't read anything in your post that makes me rethink what I have already said. I do hope you are able to come to peace with yourself and decide what is right to you, and I wish you the strength to do it. Everyone needs boundaries. It sounds like you have decided what they are for you and now it's time to enforce them and be willing to accept the consenquences, for the greatest good.