am i being insulting?

[radiotone]

i've been getting into irregular fights lately with my girlfriend. the thing is though, it's all about her past. and how two completely different people we were in middle school/high school. i'm 20 and shes 20. i was a quiet un-social type who was afraid of the whole alcohol and drug thing. she was the complete opposite. a lot of friends, drank a lot - did drugs like smoking pot all the time and other stuff. so you can see the difference there..

 

the last argument started when i found out one of her ex-boyfriends messaged her on myspace. i wasn't upset that he messaged her, but it brought back the fact that they were off and on at one point. this was all BEFORE she met me, it was years ago - back when she was in 9th grade or something. and the thing i was upset with was that HE cheated on his girlfriend with her (my girlfriend). for some reason, my whole brain went into attack/lecture mode. i told her how i thought it was wrong of her to participate in someone cheating on his girlfriend. but then she said how she was single and how she didn't do anything wrong. but considering i'm such a nice guy, i thought it was wrong of her. at first she thought i was joking about the whole thing and called me a 'dweed' and 'dad' because i kept saying it was wrong. i don't know why but i felt like i wanted her to KNOW and FEEL like what she did was wrong. but obviously you can't do that.

 

she retorted saying how she doesn't fit in 'my perfect little box' and all of that. sometimes i get reminded of her doing all of this drug and alcohol crap she did when she was in high school and it really pisses me off for some reason. i just want to yell at her for being such an idiot and doing all of that stuff and thinking it was fun and all of that. she still recalls experiences today with me, ("oh yeeah, i remember that time. i was high on mushrooms"). it just really angers me. we've had fights like this before and i really hurt her feelings. she tells me how she grew up and how she doesn't do that stuff anymore at all and how it upsets her to know that i think she'll do that stuff again.

 

i just feel like i wouldn't want to be with her anymore if she does that stuff again. so i told her and she claims it's insecurity. but in all honesty, it wasn't because i just can't stand being with someone like that. so i think i'm entitled to decide whether i break up with them or not. but just now i realized i have an obsession with her past and how i've been having trouble accepting it. how much of a different person she was back then. sometimes it makes me feel we don't see eye-to-eye on moral issues. it's not like she thinks cheating on someone is right or anything. i just want to know for sure that there's people out there who were completely different years ago and have changed their ways and have stayed TRUE to that.

 

i also realize that when i talk about stuff like this i go off into MANY different little subjects and go off into tangents. so i'm sorry if i did that just now. thank you

[chai714]

Radiotone,

 

It seems like you're mad at her for her past, which isn't really fair. You can't hold past behavior against her today, especially since she wasn't your girlfriend.

 

She may or may have changed. In my opinion, it's not good to be in a relationship with someone whose past behavior you despise. Again, she claims she does not do drugs anymore but for some reason or another, you're hung up on her past. Forget about that. Every teenager has done things they have regretted or aren't necessarily proud of. I'm sure you have too. I would stop being so judgemental, get over her past and concentrate on the person she is today. If you can't do that, then for her sake end this relationship.

[texami]

well, as an 'old' lady, my comment is that you are being pretty hard on a 20-year old!! at this age you are both still trying to figure out what your beliefs and feelings are, you certainly shouldn't blame her for the past, but you also shouldn't blame her for not being just like you. you seem very convicted in what you think is right and wrong, and just because you are that way, don't be mad at her for not knowing. i would say MOST people do things in high school and well after that, as they grow and decide what they feel is right, they wouldn't do again.

 

if you feel you just can't get over it for some reason, then that's your decision, but don't blame her just for being young and making different choices than you did. not everyone has the resolve to be so in touch with thier morals and beliefs at such a young age. these things evolve our whole lives...