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Just need to get some things off my chest I guess. I haven't been on in a while because of moving, computer problems, and my baby being born. I have been having some really sad moods because of post-pardum depression but no one around me thinks it's that bad. I've posted before about my boyfriend, and lately he has been so great, he's been "allowed" to stay over my house (i still live with my mother) and he is great with the baby. Right now I know this sounds kind of stupid but I truly believe my baby doesn't even like me. She cries when I hold her and my mom says that's because she knows how I feel, and how I feel is my heart is breaking.

 

My boyfriend has been expecting money for some time now because he got his finger ground off in a meat grinder at work in January. He finally got it today. He's getting a car tomorrow, and he told me a couple days ago that he bought me an engagement ring. He didn't really ruin any surprise or anything because I don't know when I'm getting it or what it looks like, he just was so excited he wanted to tell me and went on for like two weeks saying I want to tell you about something but I don't, which had me worried in the bad way. Anyways he also said that after that he called and found out how much his divorce is going to be. Only 600 if it's mutual or w/e.

 

Anyways, that's not really the problem, we've been getting along for SO long now and yesterday when talking to his cousin who loves him to death and likes us being together like A MILLION times more than him and his almost ex she told me things. I've told her before I know things so she will tell me things, plus she is not one to keep secrets you tell her something and expect it to be told. She told me that she knew of 4 people my boyfriend had slept with in the year or so we've been together. One is me, one's his wife, one's my best friend, and one is her sister, or atleast that's what she said. It's driving me nuts because I want to bring it up but I really really don't. I just I've told him over and over again I can't stand cheating, and right now the only one that hurts is hearing that he slept with my best friend. She's moved away and we don't talk even half as much as we used to, but I knew she liked him and I always had my suspicions but me and my boyfriend talked about her and those suspicions just a couple of days ago and he said he never slept with her. Now I don't know if I should believe him, the person who's lied to me before, or his cousin who has a history of just telling people it like it is.

 

I really can't marry him if he's like that. I was told when I met him once a cheater always a cheater, but I believe in second chances. Now this isn't just a post about cheating or I would've put it in infidelity. To top it off, I feel completely unattractive, I really didn't gain that much weight when I was pregnant but it's been three weeks and I don't feel fat but I still can't fit into my old jeans. I have HORRIBLE stretch marks, and even tho my boyfriends says I'm beautiful I don't believe it.

 

Plus, I found out today that my grandfather is dying. Well he's my step grandfather but he's the closest I've had to a grandfather. He was in ICU then got shipped to a regular room but he's still not doing good and they don't think he will make it overnight. As I write this my parents are at the hospital, and I have to watch my baby and my lil sister so I can't go see him.

 

There's more but I just don't want to type anymore. I never felt like I wanted to commit suicide but I'm starting to think it's not such a bad idea. I'm useless. I put on a happy face and walk away when I cry so no one sees my pain. I was in the bath today and felt like trying to drown, but I don't think you can do that because

 

..got to go my mom's home

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First your baby loves you. You can be sure of that one fact. Second you baby needs you so don't be thinking of doing anything stupid.

 

Normally I would advise you not to listen to gossip. However you seem to have a lot of faith in this person who has told you these things and there is your b/fs past behaviour.

 

So lets say everything she has told you is absolutely true. If that was the case what would you do? What would be your next move?

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I would leave him. If I didn't I would just be making myself feel completely worse and probably end up cheating on him in the long run even though I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, and I NEVER ever wanted to cheat on someone to make them feel the way I do. But I don't think he could understand what he's doing to me unless he feels that. I would say it wouldn't work if he didn't care about me. But the fact that that same cousin told me how much she knows he loves me makes me know that I could hurt him the way he hurts me. His cousin has told me that he loves me so much over and over and that he's never been like he is with me with anyone else, I've changed him. And remarkably she thinks that him being with three other women besides me IS an improvement. That worries me.

 

I know my baby loves me. I really just think I need to tell my boyfriend how I feel, whether I bring up what I know about or not. I need to tell him how depressed I felt while he was here. I felt like * * * *, I felt like I wanted to kill myself because even if I don't do it physically, I am getting worn down emotionally. I am killing myself from the inside out. The worst part I think right now is that I don't even have like ANY friends to talk to about this, I have to rely on this website and if my computer breaks down again I don't kno what I'm going to do. I try so hard to keep everyone happy and I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. I've let everyone down already...

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