update..

[thursday]

Okay first of all I've said some mean things about my ex on this board and real life friends. I want to apologise for that.

 

At first I was convinced she was turned into a selfish . One month and a half ago she just got into NC with her last words: "no liking, no time to see you again"(when she promised me 5 months ago we were going to see each other again and maybe even more..). I was litterally shocked, I actually fell on the ground because I couldn't handle all of the emotions. This lead me to think she never ever would contact me again and just doesn't care. Unbelievable to say the least. This is when I started hating/backstabbing her + being ultimately letdown in humanity.

 

Two weeks ago she contacted me again and I found out she never told me she was not going to contact me again. She just wanted the best for me (well she thought that was the best for me.. to hate her..). So she apologised to me being so mean to me. I apologised to her too because of what I've been saying about her... I felt guilty when I heard it and I still feel quite guilty now. I am however relieved I can trust people again.

 

I started with a vacation job @1 September. It's been horrible till now, I honestly hope these people will get karma bite their asses. They've been so mean to me because I'm a little slower than other people who start working there. I really did my best in order to do my job. Though I get backstabbed every day, it's really depressing sometimes. After a while I got used to it (well I hope.. I still have to work for one week).. knowing I have some good friends who support me at home. I don't know who to trust anymore around there..

 

Besides my depressing work I still feel depressed about the breakup, knowing it's most likely all my fault! I hate myself for being a bad boyfriend. I will never forgive myself. I can't ever face my ex again and that's what I told her too. I feel like she's really the only one that could've made me happy. She was all that what I searched for in a girl.. sweet, honest, cute, funny, active, shy sometimes, friendly towards animals, caring about other people (sometimes too much) & so beautiful too. I'm like almost crying now.. I hate myself.

 

I think there's some girl interested in me.. she's quite hot, friendly.. I might want to get to know her better.. but bleh.. it's not love at first sight as it was with my ex. I feel like: yes okay she might be interested in me, fine.. nothing special. In other words: no butterflies in my stomach lol..

I think it will never come back, this feeling of being so in love with someone. Wanting to protect her, holding her close in my arms.. I feel totally lost in this area of my life. I see girls all the time, thinking wow she's cute.. in the back of my head I know they just would not suffice to me. This might sound mean, but this really is bothering me alot. I miss the love/warmth I could give and receive to and from someone like my ex. I know it's very unlikely I will ever get this feeling again this lifetime.. but maybe in another?

 

I'm not doing very well after 6 months or something..

[NJRon]

Hey there, sorry it took so long to respond. Hope you're still hanging in there.

 

When we get hurt,, we can do some pretty bad things. Over time, you learn how to deal with hurt and pain a little better, hopefully, and start channeling it more productively and letting it go more easily. However, pretty well everyone I know, including myself, sometimes slip on that occasionally.

 

Instead of getting down because of what you did or didn't do, recognize that you are human. Humans come with faults. It's one of the things that make us so much more interesting than grasshopers.

 

With that said, if you want to help yourself, you might want to look at why you are feeling victimized. Both by your relationships and also by your job. Sometimes, it's because we feel as if we are losing control.. or unable to exercise control. The only thing we can control is ourselves... that includes our actions and our outlook. For those things outside ourselves, all we can do is seek to do the best we can with the gifts we have and be proud that we are doing that. Many don't even try to go that far and you seem to be trying... that's a great step.

 

The feeling of being able to love will come back. However, it will come back when you love yourself. That's where love is. It's giving, not receiving.

 

So, I wish you happiness and hope you are able to begin the work to really start appreciating yourself and accepting your strengths as well as your faults. They are what make you you. Do things that you are proud of on a consistent basis and you will be on the road in no time

[thursday]

Thanks for the reply..

 

I just can't seem to get better at all. Is this how a toy feels when it's batteries are dry?

 

My second (and last) week of work was better although I still hated 50% of the people working there (including the other job students of my age). Is it wrong to hate/dislike people? I just can't seem to stand people who backstab and go with the crowd on one or another opinion about someone. I hate prejudices and backstabbing.

 

When I started working there things were quite complicated for me even though the job was very simple (supermarket). Why?

 

I fear being prejudiced. This leads me to think like this at work: "what would the other persons be thinking of me?" ... consequence: I lose concentration on my job and forget rather important things or I get very nervous and do things too fast just to avoid the comment of me working 'too slowly'. This once made me extremely angry + low of confidence at the same time. Almost exploding of anger and crying of sadness. Fortunately I could still control it somehow. Since this last week I got more concentrated on the job instead of what people were thinking about me because I just couldn't care anymore, resulting in me performing better. Anyway it's still a problem I'm not easy with making new friends. I hate prejudices but it makes no sense because I have them too towards others in the sense of everyone has prejudices towards me because I'm so slow with everything in the beginning.

 

Before writing this I just broke down again and couldn't stop crying. I still feel lost without my ex'es presense. I feel lost, the comfort/laughter/feelings/future perspective she gave me once.. it's all gone & Never coming back. I feel like everything is closing in on me. Both financially and socially. I just don't seem to care much anymore about going out or anything. Why not? Because I came to the conclusion love is the only thing to live for in order to feel extreme happiness. The only comfort I have right now is music and this forum. It keeps me from suicide. I'm giving up on life. I don't like to pretend being happy when going out. Although I did went out today, just another try.. but no Nothingness is what fills me up. I can't be happy anymore. It might be a stupid thing to say, but it's just what I feel. I hate living a lie.

 

I don't want to search for a love which most likely won't ever show up anyway. I hate doing effort for being friendly towards people who are not friendly towards me. I hate thinking about how much my life sucks at the moment, knowing I've ruined everything. A second chance is only in the movies or for people who have lots of luck in their lifes. Most likely people who don't deserve it.

 

I don't think so I have low selfconfidence. I feel good as the person I am. I 'like' myself lol. I have some very good friends too, but it's not like I'm feeling better because of that. I just pity my life & because of the loss of that special someone I just don't want to fight anymore. She was so perfect in every way. She was the one and only girl that I will ever want to be with. I know I'm not an awfully bad looking guy and I can get other girls. It's just I don't care. At first I thought some flirts would get me out of my depression, but now I realize I was just thinking about how kissing & touching and sex felt with my ex. No girl will ever make me so madly in love/passionate as I was with her. It's just a winding route to nowhere.

 

The only thing I'm still interested in lately is hmm let me think:

Eating, (Lucid) Dreaming, Movies, Games, Music, Meditation/Out of Body Experiences, Being with good friends (the ones I know since kindergarten).

 

What I don't like:

Meeting new people (especially girls), Going out more than once a week, School, Thinking about my lonely & depressing future (which I do constantly), Obtaining my driver's licence, Sunlight, Thinking about how useless (physical) life is.

 

Some other things that keep me from committing suicide would be:

- family => my grandfather is dying (enough sadness already)

- friends + hope => don't know.. maybe somewhere they're a reason to stay, the might come better days once.

- scientific proof of other life in the universe, consequence might be seeing the downfall of religions worldwide, peace in this world.

 

Sorry for the long reply. Most things you read might sound to you like I was wasted when writing this. I was not (I actually stopped heavy drinking since some months because I know it might be easier to kill myself when drunk. But I would only feel guilty afterwards.. I'm just weird and needed to vent. Thanks!

[NJRon]

To start off with, I can identify with so many of the things you mentioned. I have had many of the same feelings and I have been in many similar situations. I can understand this feeling of wanting to kill yourself.. more from a fact of just wishing you could disappear... not that you actually want to die... but more that you just want the pain to end and you don't really know, at this time, how else to do it. Yet, at the same time, wanting to reach out in the hope that someone, out there, can offer something that will suddenly click in your head and allow you the strength to pull yourself out of this. No one wants to feel like this... it's healthy that you are looking for a way out of that rut... as opposed to looking to just end it.

 

People have emotional batteries. Yes, if you don't keep your battery charged and you allow situations and people to draw from it, your own batteries will become depleted. It will wear you down and, if you don't know how to recharge your own battery, it really places a starin on you and makes it difficult to even *Fell* like trying.. let alone actually trying.

 

One thing to work on is to figure out what recharges your battery. Escape does not recharge your battery, so I am glad that you said you stopped heavy drinking. All that does is makes you forget about the fact that you can't recharge your battery and, when it is over, you feel guilty for excaping and not doing what you need to do and.. at the same time, you are even more depleted.

 

So... we need to focus on healthy ways to start charging your battery. Everyone is different. I can't give you specific advice on what *you* need to do to recharge your own personal battery. All i have found that really works for me are two things. One is practicing my own spiritutality and training my mind to view the world differently. The other is being of service to society. In this case, helping, to the best of my ability, to support othe rpeople. Not take on their problems... that is a drain... offering support and helping them to get where they want to be. There is a fine distinction.

 

As for hating/disliking people. That is normal, in the sense that most people feel that way. I have found that as I have started loving myself more... I have started liking others more. As I accept myself more, I accept others more. My walls start to drop. It is an interesting thing. This is one area that I truly beliee that once you start *truly* accepting yourself it becomes more apparent to you because you can tell you are being more accepting toward others. This is different than liking yourself. I always liked myself (even if I didn't always like what I did). But, loving oneself involves acceptance of both strengths and weaknesses and working to always do the right thing, yet accepting that you aren't perfect and not getting down on yourself for being human. Recognizing that you are trying to be a *better* person... not focusing on being perfect.

 

Those are my thoughts on some of these issues. I wouldn't focus on too many things at once. Pick only one or two areas that you really feel you would like to see change in. Personalize them. Don't say "I wish I had a better job"... say "How do I find more fulfillment with the job I have". as an example. And then... be willing to examine if you are doing the things everyday that are allowing you to look back on the day and feel a sense of pride. Even one small conscious effort to do something that adds to your pride in yourself will continue to build your own authenticity and your own batteries.

 

I hope this helps some and just think of some small ways that you can get started in a couple of areas... don't overwhelm yourself with trying to tackle everything at once. If you do, you are setting yourself up for failure. I fell victim to that many times and it is a hard thing to break.

 

Feel free to think about it and come when you want to share more or get some more feedback.

 

Best wishes!

[thursday]

To start off with, I can identify with so many of the things you mentioned. I have had many of the same feelings and I have been in many similar situations. I can understand this feeling of wanting to kill yourself.. more from a fact of just wishing you could disappear... not that you actually want to die... but more that you just want the pain to end and you don't really know, at this time, how else to do it. Yet, at the same time, wanting to reach out in the hope that someone, out there, can offer something that will suddenly click in your head and allow you the strength to pull yourself out of this. No one wants to feel like this... it's healthy that you are looking for a way out of that rut... as opposed to looking to just end it.

 

Thanks, you do understand what I mean.

 

People have emotional batteries. Yes, if you don't keep your battery charged and you allow situations and people to draw from it, your own batteries will become depleted. It will wear you down and, if you don't know how to recharge your own battery, it really places a starin on you and makes it difficult to even *Fell* like trying.. let alone actually trying.

 

Pfft trying to do what? Everything is really going to stay like it is right now, without my ex. At the moment I just think I will never even contact her again as friends. Although I really want her as a friend, the pain will be too much for me to handle (she is hot and can get any boy she wants, well not really "modelhot" but she has something special everyone will get attracted to if she wants). She was my first gf and although she is younger than me she has had several other bfs before me (no longterm relationships of course). I just think we are destined to be with each other, that if once we will be together again things will get better in every way. I think this is true because of the way we first met. It's not casual at all, I think it must have been the most unique uhm.. first meeting (?) that lead to a longtermrelationship in the world.

 

One thing to work on is to figure out what recharges your battery. Escape does not recharge your battery, so I am glad that you said you stopped heavy drinking. All that does is makes you forget about the fact that you can't recharge your battery and, when it is over, you feel guilty for excaping and not doing what you need to do and.. at the same time, you are even more depleted.

 

I never was a heavy drinker, but I got drunk at some occasions yes.. & there's nothing wrong with, it's fun to be drunk when you're happy. It's heaven. At least it was, when I was not depressed. I have had some bad experiences when drunk after the relationship ended and just choose not to drink too much anymore till I get relatively happy.

 

So... we need to focus on healthy ways to start charging your battery. Everyone is different. I can't give you specific advice on what *you* need to do to recharge your own personal battery. All i have found that really works for me are two things. One is practicing my own spiritutality and training my mind to view the world differently. The other is being of service to society. In this case, helping, to the best of my ability, to support othe rpeople. Not take on their problems... that is a drain... offering support and helping them to get where they want to be. There is a fine distinction.

 

Strange, if I get what you're saying than I must say we're very much alike.

I like 'escaping' when meditating, also out of body experiences are really helping me. Is it that what you meant with 'practicing my own spirituality'?.

I'm also reading this book 'The Mind Accelerator' which helps me change myself, thus also changing my view on the world. Besides this I'm quite interested in helping other people (as far as I can). I will also donate some money to charity very soon (which I've earned at the supermarket of course). My parents however don't agree with me on these things.. They think these things I mentioned above are ruining me. Making me asocial.. blahblahblah.. Also I'm a vegetarian and they think it's nonsense too.. but at least they respect my choice now and my mother buys/cooks special vegetarian 'meat' for me nowadays (this has taken a very long time really).

 

As for hating/disliking people. That is normal, in the sense that most people feel that way. I have found that as I have started loving myself more... I have started liking others more. As I accept myself more, I accept others more. My walls start to drop. It is an interesting thing. This is one area that I truly beliee that once you start *truly* accepting yourself it becomes more apparent to you because you can tell you are being more accepting toward others. This is different than liking yourself. I always liked myself (even if I didn't always like what I did). But, loving oneself involves acceptance of both strengths and weaknesses and working to always do the right thing, yet accepting that you aren't perfect and not getting down on yourself for being human. Recognizing that you are trying to be a *better* person... not focusing on being perfect.

 

I see the logic in that yup, many of my walls have dropped too, but it's just a fact people don't like me & start saying stupid things, backstabbing. Well at least at the supermarket job. That's when I start thinking I'm too friendly and do even more friendly towards them in order to make them like me. In the end it doesn't work and I start hating them for ignoring my good will & seeing how stupid they really are. For instance, this other job student of the same age as me.. he's a racist (admitted it)/ popular guy because he has decent language, is 'Over'motivated for work and has "interesting" hobbies like DJ'ing & making music, he's also a fashion *****. Oh not to forget, he only follows the opinions of other people because he wants to be popular despite hurting other people.

 

However this work experience has made me much more aware of the fact that I can do things fast and accurately. I just have to stop thinking about other people's opinions on me. I can do everything someone else can. It's been a learning experience I guess.

[NJRon]

When I speak of your emotional batteries and the effect "people and situations" have on them.. I was not speaking of just your ex. That's just one person. If it is *the* one you are focusing on, then you are sending all your energy toward her and getting none in return... that's draining.

 

If meditating, OOBEs, introspection are your form of figuring out your spirituality, then yes... you are going in the right direction. Spirituality is a way to connect to a power greater than yourself, one that allows you the strength to live a certain way... ideally, to be of positive impact to others. But, you need to be able to have the energy to offer to others... so, if these methods help you get that, then great.

 

Don't let your parent's judgemental attitudes towards you be reflected in your view of others. They are seeing you through their own filters, just as you are seeing others through yours. Don't worry about other's views... work on your own filters so that you can try and see people as they are... with as little judgement as possible. When you start seeing people more objectively, then your identification with them grows... you realize they are just people... just like you and, thus, you are not alone. It provides a great foundation for compassion and empathy.

[whoops]

i still feel you are young theowrld i syour oyster priorites change

[thursday]

When I speak of your emotional batteries and the effect "people and situations" have on them.. I was not speaking of just your ex. That's just one person. If it is *the* one you are focusing on, then you are sending all your energy toward her and getting none in return... that's draining.

 

I'm not having contact with her anymore, she doesn't feel the same way (well duhh!) as I do. Maybe someday she will change her view, but honestly.. I think chances are slim. She can have anyone, why would she choose for me again? Hmm, well I think I'm one of the most honest people & that's what I think she's really interested in (she has had a horrible childhood in some way..), I also made her happy most of the time. She really did love me.. but then again she remembers me as a very pessimistic person and that's not what she needs. Actually I changed a lot in many ways, even though I'm so depressed at times.. there's only one reason for that: Regret.

 

 

If meditating, OOBEs, introspection are your form of figuring out your spirituality, then yes... you are going in the right direction. Spirituality is a way to connect to a power greater than yourself, one that allows you the strength to live a certain way... ideally, to be of positive impact to others. But, you need to be able to have the energy to offer to others... so, if these methods help you get that, then great.

 

Then I must say I'm really going in the right direction. Today was my first day of school (new school, I graduated from secondary school..) and I actually felt quite positive towards everyone. Although there are lots of 'geeks' in my class I'm very happy they're not overmotivated and full of BS like most popular persons. They all seem very friendly and all in all I'm happy at the moment concerning my social/school life. I think I'm having a positive impact to others. I have the energy too & I think I really got it from meditating, reading....

 

Don't let your parent's judgemental attitudes towards you be reflected in your view of others. They are seeing you through their own filters, just as you are seeing others through yours. Don't worry about other's views... work on your own filters so that you can try and see people as they are... with as little judgement as possible. When you start seeing people more objectively, then your identification with them grows... you realize they are just people... just like you and, thus, you are not alone. It provides a great foundation for compassion and empathy.

 

Thanks, I actually feel a bit insecure about myself when confronted towards others and they ask you 'what are your hobbies?'.. then I think like this: "Oh no! That question.. I'm such a geek because I'm not like everyone else playing musical instruments in a band or alone or practicing sports in clubs.. I'm so weird". That's at least what my parents told me.. that I'm going to end up all alone without any friends if I keep being interested in the things I am right now. I do understand my parents' worries, but it makes me feel like a weirdo, an outcast. Although I do skateboard, jog in the park and go out with friends.. it just doesn't seem like I'm a normal person because of my other interests.

 

I do see people with very little judgement. I've never been judgemental. Really.. I can connect with lots of people. Doesn't matter who or what they are. Even people with a totally different attitude than me. I think I just overreact sometimes.. like with the vacation job, it was just weird and I sort of wanted to 'protect' myself against holes in my selfconfidence so the people who were not friendly towards me at work I just tried to break them down in my head unconsciously. When first meeting them I was really positive and everything, things just changed because I got to know them for who they really were (not positive). Well I did have some mates, but it was superficial and I hated the other people.

 

@whoops: what do you mean with priorities change, on what of my life?

 

Thanks!

[NJRon]

You don't have to have contact with someone to be directing all your energy toward them. All *that* requires is focus.

 

As you grow in positivity, release the negativity and start clearing your head, then, perhaps, when you re-read your post this one day, you will see the jugdement present it it. I'm not going to point the specifics out to you. I think it would be a good exercise on behalf of your own personal growth for you to find it yourself.

 

No one feels like a normal person until they start identifying accepting themselves as the way they are, and thuis normal. because, in the end, everyone is different... the only thing we have in common is we are all here together.

 

Keep going the direction you are going. i can tell that you have made significant strides in your growth. Keep it up and don't let anyone pull you down.

[thursday]

I don't want to focus on her, it's just that all of my motivation for life was thanks to her. Now every effort I have to make IS useless in my mind.

 

Although there are lots of 'geeks' in my class I'm very happy they're not overmotivated and full of BS like most popular persons

 

I know it sounds full of negativity, but really it's not. I just have a weird way saying everything is okay. I like geeks, I'm a geek myself .. that is what you meant right?

 

I'm still having a hard time accepting myself. Athough I know we're all unique in some way, the uniqueness in me seems to be negative/abnormal.. in the end I know I will get better accepting myself. However this won't take away the fact I have little to no motivation at all for living anymore.

[thursday]

Life seems so dull. Nothing to look forward to except some parties in the weekends. Everything seems so useless. Dreams are haunting me again. For instance last night I dreamed I was in my ex's house, just visiting.. seeing how everyone is doing there. I miss being there I miss everyone there soo much (including the dog). I would give anything to go back one year..

 

Well when I entered the house her dad opened but he was very negative towards me, very unfriendly, he wanted me out of the house but he didn't tell me. I then asked my ex's brother why his parents were so mean towards me & he told me my his sister was pregnant thanks to me! Very weird stuff.. I felt hated by them and wished I was dead. Pretty much like I have felt 3/4 of this year.

 

I feel like crap whole day long lately.. & those dreams made me feel even worse. I think I can't ever be happy again I really want to die. Everything seems so useless.. going to school, learning mostly boring stuff.. even if I graduate and find a job. It's like [i DON'T CARE!!!]. Life has become so depressing without her in it. I want to die but don't have the guts to kill myself or maybe there's still hope for me and my ex. Then I think of her being happily in love with someone else. These thoughts are making me feel soo miserable. I am crying a river I can drown myself in right now. I can't go on, I can't hold on to this life. I have everything, though I have nothing at all.